


Not Damsels, not Knights

by my_unlikely_hero



Series: Andriel works [1]
Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Depression, I'm so sorry, M/M, Self Harm, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, and Neil gets hurt, but Neil doesn't kill himself, of course he does, probably, riko goes too far
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 11:26:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 47
Words: 93,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8284174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_unlikely_hero/pseuds/my_unlikely_hero
Summary: Neil is not a damsel, Andrew is not a knight, Riko is not a dragon. Nobody gets saved. Not really. Or:Riko goes too far, and Neil is left in pieces.





	1. Chapter 1

AN: seriously, folks, head the warnings. If you've read any of my other fics, you know. This contains torture and rape. This is a rough and bloody one, so watch for triggers. You have been warned. 

 

“Lie down and put your hands on the headboard.” Riko orders. 

Neil obeys because if he doesn't, this would be Andrew lying beneath some sick rapist bastard. Obeying Riko is survival, not submission. Slowly Neil lies on his back and stretches his arms. Jean catches his wrists and cuffs them in place with what appears to be police-grade handcuffs. When he begins to struggle, Riko presses the knife down harder. Neil tastes blood, can feel it drip down his face. 

“I am going to make this as terrible as I know how. When it's too much for you, don't hesitate to cry.” Riko's breath is hot in Neil's ear. 

He sits on the bed, facing Neil. The few inches in height difference between them feels like Riko is towering above him. He stares at Neil with open desire-- desire to make him bleed and scream and beg. He hasn't even touched his victim yet, but Riko's pants are tenting at the crotch like he enjoys the power play. He's getting off on even just the thought of hurting the prey before him. 

“I am going to love hurting you.” Riko traces the outline of Neil's full lips with the blade. Neil has enough sense not to move. “I couldn't hurt Kevin, not like I really wanted to. He was ‘family’. You can't fuck family.” 

“You are one seriously fucked up individual.” Fear makes Neil lash out. Riko slips the blade into Neil's open mouth. He presses just enough to break the skin. 

“I hate you,” Neil says, despite the blade in his mouth.

Obeying Riko is survival, not submission. Slowly Neil lies on his back and stretches his arms. Jean catches his wrists and cuffs them in place with what appears to be police-grade handcuffs. When he begins to struggle, Riko presses the knife down harder. Neil tastes blood, can feel it drip down his face. His heart races in his chest. He quits struggling in favor of just testing the cuffs. The bed frame doesn't move. He's trapped. With the knife in his mouth holding Neil still, Jean strips him bare.

“Who is your king, Nathaniel?” Riko asks with that ravenous look. He grinds down on Neil's naked hips. 

“Fuck you! You're nothing.” 

Neil spits in his face, the only thing that displays the disgust he feels. For a moment Riko is still, like he can't believe what his prey has done. Slowly he wipes the saliva off of his cheek, eyeing it. He wipes it off on Neil's bare thigh, taking the time to stroke his skin. He grips Neil's jaw in a bruising grip, and pries it open to spit inside his mouth. He clamps his hand over Neil's lips so he can't cough it back up. 

“Hold his legs.” Jean rushes to obey Riko's order. Jean grabs an ankle in a bruising grip, snatching it as Neil kicks out in his struggle. He begins cuffing his ankles to the bed frame. Riko leans close to whisper to Neil. 

“I'm doing you a favor, Nathaniel. I'm going to give you a little insight into Andrew's past. Help you understand the psycho.” His breath is hot and moist against Neil's ear. “Though I'm not sure he'll want you when I've finished with you.” 

Neil's stomach turns at the implications. He had thought the rape threat was a bluff until now. “You're sick.” 

“I am going to make this as terrible as I know how. When it's too much for you, don't hesitate to cry.” 

Riko doesn't bother beating him-- Neil is already a bruised mess from Tetsuji's caning, and Exy practice. Instead, he pulls his knife from Neil's mouth. He starts at Neil's shoulders with his knife blade. His cuts are hurried and deep enough to need stitching later, but they weren't truly severe. Neil already bares scars from worse. 

Neil bounces between the unpleasant reality, screaming under Riko's blade, and flashbacks. He remembers being five years old, and his fathers face staring down at him with disdain. The Butcher was a murderer, not a torturer, but he made an exception when Neil had been bad. He used cut down the young flesh of Neil's soft back, and his shoulders, and his pudgy stomach. He hit him with hot irons and pans; had broken his fingers and toes when he did badly in his knife training. Neil tries to fight these memories-- he has to stay in the moment, with his torturer in the present. 

After Neil's chest was a bloody and stained mess, Riko moved down to his abdomen. Neil's stomach was tight and muscled-- he had a runner's body, but his muscles were built from playing with heavy Exy racquets. His skin was pale all over, a match to his natural looks, his red hair and freckles, his blue eyes; his looks betrayed his father's heritage. Neil looked delectable covered in blood, his blue eyes hazy from pain and injury and a good bit of shock. 

Neil's fists have been clenched into the wood of the headboard, but his wrists are rubbed bloody from the cold metal cuffs. Riko's knife begins cuts into the insides of his thighs, skinning the flesh away. 

“I am your king, Nathaniel. Beg my forgiveness. Beg me to stop.” 

“Fuck you! You're nothing.” Neil growls. Suddenly, he understands why Andrew hated the word ‘please.’ Neil knows he will never say the word again. 

It's not his best retort, but he keeps the tremble from his voice, hoarse from screaming. Riko ignores Neil in favor of stripping himself. Neil can hear the rustle of clothes, and a zipper. 

“Jean, grab his leg. Spread him.” Riko orders as he strips. Neil had all but forgotten that Jean was still in the room. He holds Neil's ankle in an iron grip-- not that Neil could struggle much. Jean wretches it up and out at an angle that was painful, despite Neil's flexibility. His hips begin to ache immediately. 

Riko arranges himself between Neil's spread legs. Neil can feel Riko's erection pressing against his rear-- too close. Neil trembles, but does not beg. Riko is hard and wanting from watching Neil bleed. Neil screams as he forces his way inside. 

Neil has never had sex-- has only kissed that one French-Canadian girl when he was 13. His mother had beaten him black and blue for it, too. Neil had considered himself asexual until Andrew had come barreling into his life. Neil had barely spared a thought to sex, but he never thought it would hurt so much. 

He screams like someone might come to his rescue. He screams himself hoarse, until his throat is raw and aching. He wishes he could be like Andrew-- cold and detached, taking it like just another obstacle in his way. 

Riko fucks him like his goal is to wretch every whimper and scream from Neil. Like he wants to bruise and tear Neil apart. It's a punishment worse than Tetsuji's caning. He savors every noise that Neil makes; at some point he cries out for a name that sounds curiously like ‘Andrew’, but his screams distort it. He does not beg. 

“When I am done with you, there will be no mistaking who you belong to.” 

 

He wakes suddenly, but the combination of pain, sleep deprivation, and confusion makes him sluggish. Neil is slow to realize, but quick to react, to strike out at the thing touching him. He's pinned on his stomach to the mattress, with a weight pinning him down. He knows what Riko feels like on top of him, enough to identify it again now. He tears at Neil's sweatpants and boxers, and takes what he wants.

Neil isn't safe when he sleeps. Riko likes catching him unawares, enjoys touching him, either to fuck him or just beat him, while he is soft and confused from sleep. He begins to fight exhaustion, and to stay awake to fend off Riko all night. Neil learns to wake up fighting, swinging like he had seen Andrew do so many times. It doesn't help much-- Riko always gets what he wants, in the end. 

 

Jean tries not to intervene, but obeys Riko when given a direct order-- ‘hold his legs’, ‘hand me that’, ‘hold him down’; some were worse, when Riko felt like playing head games, telling Jean to touch him, stroke him, kiss him. Jean would whisper in French, telling Neil how much he hated him. Telling him how easy it was, how clumsy he is on the court. How much or a liability he is. It's better than Riko, who tells him how pretty he is. How much he loves hearing Neil's pretty scream and seeing his pretty tears. He calls Neil a slut, a whore, the Jezebel of Exy. But worst, he reminds Neil that he deserves it; that he volunteered to be there. Neil agreed to this. 

 

“Who is your King, Nathaniel?” 

Neil doesn't answer-- his face is too bruised to use his words frivolously. It sets Riko into a Fury, that Neil dares to ignore him. His temper is easier to ignite today. ‘Tis the season, Neil thinks. 

Riko kneels on his chest to hold him down. Neil tries to buck the men off, but he's still cuffed to the bed. Jean hands Riko a tattoo gun and sets a black well within reach. The needle buzzes in Neil's ear, even above the rush of blood in his ears. He thrashes, trying to get away. Jeans nails tear into his face. Riko holds the needle threatening, above Neil's eye. He freezes. 

“If you don't hold still, I will blind you.” 

Neil doesn't dare to even breath. Riko tattoos the number to his cheek; it's both a promise and a collar that said who he belonged to. Riko enjoys fucking him more now. He gets off on seeing Neil's face finally tagged as HIS. After he has finished he hands Jean and Neil to the other Ravens. He tells them to use them as they want, as a Christmas gift. They leave Neil and Jean unconscious on the floor. After all, Neil's punishment is Jean's punishment, and the Frenchman is only property, too. It's not a very merry fucking Christmas. 

 

It only takes one of the Ravens to force Neil to the floor face first-- knees against the back of Neil's legs, one meaty arm braces against his thin shoulders. With his free arm he punched at Neil's back and sides until Neil stills and his kidneys bruise. Neil fights until he's weak and trembling. The other men keep Jean back, and Riko watched all of the backliners take turns with their little recruit. 

Neil's screams echo through the lockers for hours. Neil's voice is so strained it's barely audible when he looks up at Riko with tears in his eyes. 

“King.” 

The man fucking him laughs in his ear. Riko looks amused, but not pleased. 

“What was that?”

“King,” Neil tries to be louder, but it comes out raspy and wrecked. He stutters with every harsh thrust. 

“Beg me. Beg your King to make them stop.”

“K-King.” Neil forces the words through clenched teeth. His eyes are closed right, unwilling to look at Riko. “M-make them st-stop. King.” 

“Look at me when you beg.” Neil forces his eyes open. He tried to hide it, but Riko can read the pain and hatred there. And he doesn't make them stop. He laughs and tells Neil it isn't good enough and lets the backliners get back to abusing him. 

 

The three weeks-- no, that's not right, it's only been two weeks, Ravens run on different schedule from the rest of the world. Riko holds a folder and a pen to Neil. The Ravens press close, like the pressure will make Neil sign the contract. 

“Sign it.”

“Never. I'm a fox.” Neil's voice is hoarse from screaming, and he can't remember a time when even breathing did not hurt. 

Riko grins at him like he can taste Neil's blood. He already has, every time he bit into Neil's yielding flesh. His shoulders, chest, and back are covered in teeth marks. His ankles and wrists are shredded from fighting the cuffs at the end of every day. His back hurts, and he hasn't felt his legs in days, save for flashes of pain. He can barely raise his arms after today's practice. In short, he is ripe for the picking, and Riko and the Ravens have free reign as they try to make Neil sign the contract. They aren't afraid of breaking him now. 

“I was hoping you would say that.” Riko grins, manic. 

The Ravens have fun tearing Neil to pieces, like it's another team building exercise. Maybe it is. They beat him first, if not only because it was easier to manage him when he was weak and hurting. By the time Riko calls them off, Neil is unrecognizable from the bruising to his pretty face. He passed out from the trauma. While Neil was unconscious, someone strips him naked. Riko orders someone revives him with a pitcher of iced water poured over him. It's nothing like waterboarding Jean had been, but they don't have time for that. 

Riko cuts into him like a doll, cuts designs up and down his arms and legs, and finds a few unmarred pieces of flash on his shoulders and stomach. On his back, Riko carves his name into the space at the small of Neil's back, just where his ass starts to slope. 

They take turns fucking him. Riko is first-- he's number one, after all. The King. The rest hold him down and wait their turn. They all get one. Neil is certain that he must have torn something inside, but he can't tell if he's bleeding, or if it's Riko's cum dripping down his thighs. The rest of the team wear condoms, but Riko is privileged. He knows Neil had been a virgin before him, and doesn't worry about contracting a sickness. 

Neil fades in and out of consciousness while they dye his hair back to its natural color. They torture him for hours, trying to force him to sign the contract. It seems to never end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Nancy and Ash123, along with midnightreader. Because comments are my writing fuel, people!!! If you want more posts, more comments :D I'm also so open to a little friendly criticism and ideas and pointers. Thanks for reading!!!!

Eventually, it's Jean who drags him to wash the cum and blood off. He pulls Neil to his feet and carries him to the locker rooms to dump him on the floor of the showers. The water always runs cold but Neil doesn't notice. 

Jean stitches Neil together again, one piece at a time. He bandages his ribs and various injuries. He hurries to stitch him up and dress him. He forces Neil onto the plane, ordering him not to get lost. Neil nods, but his eyes are foggy and unfocused; due to a concussion, but at least partly from shock. He's still trembling, Jean can feel it even beneath his coat. The past 48 hours have been a horror movie. The kid was stubborn to still be on his feet. 

Neil doesn't remember the flight, but he wakes up at the airport. Thankfully he's in a seat, instead of the middle of the walkway. It takes a few minutes to remember where he is-- why he is hearing English instead of French or Japanese. 

His cell phone is dead, but he limps to the wall to charge it. Walking hurts, he wishes Jean was here to help him. Instead, he calls Coach Wymack. 

“I didn't know who else to call;” Neil's voice is hollow, even to his own ears, and raspy from screaming. God, standing hurts but he doesn't dare sit. He settled for resting against the wall. 

“Neil? Are you alright?” 

He doesn't know how to answer. This is as far from alright as Neil has ever been-- his ass hurts, and blood is making his boxers stick to his thighs. His stitches pull and his legs throb with every step. His arm is still sore from being dislocated, and his hips ache. He doesn't know how to answer. His smile is self-deprecating and awful. 

“No. No I'm not. I know it's kind of sudden, but can you come get me? I'm at the airport.” As soon as he agrees, Neil hangs up.

He had to set a timer on his phone, because he's afraid to lose time again. Then he drags himself to the curb to wait for his ride. He's already dozed off again when Wymack pulls up the curb. Neil can't pull himself upright, so he lets Coach help him. Thank god his legs have gone numb, and he can force himself into the car seat. 

He must look as bad as he feels, because Coach pulls Neil to his feet, and follows behind him like he expects a collapse. He might, if his legs weren't so numb. Wymack notices the limp, and feels a wave of dejavous from picking Andrew up at the hospital, after Drake.

Coach even opens the door for him. If he sits sort of sideways against the door, it takes the weight off of the worst of his wounds. The intimate ones Neil doesn't want to think about. Coach lets him sleep on the drive back to Palmetto. 

David knows not to ask, and he doesn't need to. He recognized Neil at the airport strictly because he was the only kid there at this time of night. He can see the bruises marring Neil's face, his black hair now auburn red and his brown eyes are now blue. 

The kid won't wake when Wymack parks, and he has to carry Neil upstairs. He's far too light for a sports player. It doesn't look like the Fox he knows. Neil's breathing is shallow, and from what Wynack can tell, Neil probably has a concussion. The coach sighs, and settles into his office chair to watch over his injured Fox for the night. 

He takes in the boys abused body, imagines the possibilities; Neil was his jumpiest player, wary of strangers. The boy who never mentioned either parent unless prompted, and then only in vague overviews. Neil, who had gone home to visit his uncle and came back limping like Andrew, and battered like he had gone too many rounds with a pissed off Matt Boyde. David pours and drinks a glass of scotch, and then another. 

Neil wakes up shortly after 11pm. Neil wakes up when Wymack sets the bottle of whiskey down. He struggles to sit up without putting too much weight on his backside. He looks up at Wymack with a guarded, cautious expression; as if he was in any condition to run away, right now. He may not look like Neil but he sounds familiar when he repeats unnecessary apologies, barely conscious on Wymack’s couch. 

“I'm sorry.” 

“He sounds like Neil, but he doesn't look like him. I'll take your explanation from the top, and without a side order of bullshit, thanks.” Worry makes his temper a little short. 

It takes Neil a second to register Coach’s words. His bandaged fingers tug at his red hair in a painful grip, but Neil doesn't recognize the pain-- not when everything else hurts so much. 

“No.” Neil rasps. His voice is still nearly incoherent. His face is stricken with hatred and alarm-- it's an odd look Coach isn't used to seeing on Neil's face. Any of the others, sure; his Foxes were all little balls of fury, somewhere deep down. But Neil has been mostly calm, if not reserved. This seems to be the first honest emotion Neil has displayed. 

Against his better judgment he helps Neil stand, which is alarming; normally the boy wouldn't let David within arms reach. He watches the boy sway and limp-- the hidden pain, the awkward gate, is reminiscent of Andrew’s recent trauma. 

Neil struggles to the bathroom. He barely remembers being held down, Jean scrubbing dye into Neil's hair. He had broken a mirror in his struggle-- his knuckles were bleeding through the bandages, under his gloves. 

Neil sees his father's hair, his father's cold eyes staring back at him. His knees give out underneath him, leaving Neil to crumble. He tries to hold himself up on the sink, but he isn't strong enough now. The Ravens seem to have really messed him up.

He's choking. Wymack watches his face drain of the little color left, and slide down the door. A pink trail smudges down the door where blood was beginning to spot through his jeans. He holds his hip and his ribs, but he seems to have forgotten how to inhale. Coach worries that Neil is going to pass out again. 

“Breath,” he growls, slapping the kid on the back. Thankfully, Neil inhales a labored, unsteady breath. 

Neil's thoughts are a swirl of panic and pain and hatred. He wants to yank his hair out in handfuls, but he knows his abused hands won't be able to grip tight enough. Now, without a disguise, his father's men would find him again. They would make the Ravens abuse look like clumsy child's play. Too many thoughts swirl in his head. It all feels like so much, too much. 

Wymack hands him a lit cigarette. Neil holds it in his hand like something rare and necessary-- like a falling man holds a thread. It hurts to breath, but he does it anyway; everything hurts, he can't remember a time when it didn't. 

Neil inhales too deep, feeling stitches tug; the smoke burns his throat. He coughs, hard. Some of the sloppier stitches tear. God, he feels torn apart. Actually, he is. Riko fucking cut him to pieces, had actually skinned bits of his thighs. Neil is literally in pieces.

It's funny, in some confusing, sick way. His coughing morphed into laughter, pitched oddly high and twisted, even to his own ears. He bites into his hand, hoping the pain might stifle the demented sound. It doesn't. Neil could feel himself nearing hysterics. 

“Neil, I need you to talk to me.” Wymack sounds urgent. Neil has to say something. 

“I think I pulled my stitches. I feel blood.” That's easy to say, it's familiar-- Neil can't count how many times he had said that while on the run with his mother. 

“Where?” 

Well, that's quite the question. He's bruised all over-- Neil keeps guarding his ribs, he thinks they might be broken. But blood? All down his torso, from Riko's blade and teeth-- he hadn't allowed the other six to mark him like that. His thighs were probably soaking through the gauze and wraps. He hoped his ass had stopped bleeding, but he thinks he can feel blood there still; he hopes it's his imagination. 

“Everywhere?” It's the closest Neil can come to admitting the truth. He hopes Wymack can read between the lines. 

Neil can't look at the older man, so he tries to unbutton his coat with his free hand. His fingers are stiff and swollen and uncooperative. Coach pushes his hands aside to fight with them himself. Neil takes off one glove with his teeth, still unwilling to leave his middle unguarded. He winces as his cheek twinges. Coach notices, eyeing the bandage on his Fox’s cheek. The man pulls the tape and patch off. Neil is too slow to flinch back. 

Up until now, David was under the impression that Neil had spent the holidays with his uncle. He had the sick thought that his family had done all of this to him. The new tattoo on his face said differently. 

“Neil, the fuck is on your face?” 

Bruises? Stitches? He doesn't feel stitches. He needs to look in the mirror again, but he can't find the strength to stand. His legs are still oddly numb. Coach has to pull him to his feet. 

Worse than the face on the mirror is the black number ‘4’ tattooed on his cheek. Matching Kevin and Jean’s. Matching Riko. Neil's instincts kick suddenly into overdrive, propelling him out of the room. His only thought is to get the brand off of his face. He will not be Riko's. He hears echoes of the boys voice ‘you are mine’. He had said it often. He had a thing about claiming Neil, it seemed. 

Pain makes him slow, but Neil reaches the knives before Coach can stop him. He fully intends to carve the disgusting thing from his face. He struggles when hands try to stop him. 

Wymack grabs Neil's wrist with one hand, and wraps around his arm and waist with the other. He slams Neil's hand into the table until the pain makes him drop the knife. The teen fights for it, but Wymach pulls him down onto the floor. 

It puts the man pressing behind him, touching him and holding him down while Neil struggled and screamed. While he had cried and begged. He fights to get to the knife as a weapon against his attacker now, the tattoo mostly forgotten on his panic. 

David can feel Neil shaking apart, even as he struggles. It has to hurt, fighting like he is, but he can feel the desperate edge-- like Neil is a trapped cat, he squirms and claws and screams, though his voice has nearly given out. It's infuriating and alarming. Neil is seconds away from a full-blown panic. 

“Hey! It's alright.” Wymach barks into Neil's ear, loud enough for the boy to hear him through his own screams and panic. Too late. 

Suddenly, it's like Neil is right back at Evermore. Riko is pressing down behind him, inside him, fucking him and carving to pieces. He can feel the Ravens holding him down as he fights to get away. His screams and Riko's laughter ring in his ears. He thinks he might be crying, but that could be blood. Or someone cuming on his face. But it doesn't smell like cum. 

Neil is being broken apart all over again, because isn't that perfect? He has only ever been pieces of a real person; being Neil Josten was the closest thing that he had ever come to being a whole person. Then Riko had carved him down into pieces all over again. 

“Neil!” Someone yells in his ear. 

Nobody at the Nest has ever called him anything except Nathaniel-- or slut, whore, etc. Neil couldn't be back at the Nest. He stops struggling. Coach is there, not Tetsuji. Not Riko. Not Nathan Wesninski. 

“Help me.” It's not quite what Neil means to say, but it's all he can force through his clenched teeth. 

Suddenly, it feels like David is physically holding the pieces of this kid together. Likes he's bleeding and shaking apart in his arms. 

“Let me.” 

Neil closes his eyes, and grounds himself. He's back at Coach’s place. This is cluttered, but safe space. There are no pressing black walls or ravenous Ravens. Finally his breathing slows. 

“What the fuck happened? Last I heard, you were spending Christmas with your uncle.” Wymack might puke if blood did this to Neil. 

“I lied.” It's obvious. Neil has to say more. Change the subject a little-- Andrew; the reason he left in the first place. The hope he held onto at Evermore. “Andrew is coming back to us on Tuesday, all right?” 

“What does Andrew have to do with this?” 

“Nothing.” Because Andrew has nothing to do with Riko and the fucked up things he did. Andrew should not be associated with that in any way. 

“That's not an answer.” 

“Sorry.”

Coach lets him up, only after he promises not to carve his face up. Maybe Riko carved enough out of him already. He lets himself be lead to the couch, away from the sharp and pointy objects. Neil can't move enough to strip himself, so he holds still and tries to remind himself where he is while Coach cuts the sweater off. 

Wymach judges his injuries with a clinical eye, unwrapping the mound of gauze and tape. He brings over a bowl and rag to wash the blood away. Neil tries and fails to hold the rag himself, so holds still while Coach works. 

The physical ache is familiar-- Neil has been beaten, shot, and carved open many times before; physical pain is nothing new. Jean had simply thrown him in the shower in the locker room showers in the mornings, Riko thought that the mess was part of the punishment-- Neil thought he had a kink. His mother had shown a little more care but not much. Injuries only slowed them down, and they could never afford to stop and heal somewhere. Wymack was just as practiced and shockingly gentle. 

The shame is new, though. Neil knows coach tries not to stare at the bite marks that litter Neil's back and chest, neck and shoulders. Neil has never felt a bone-deep shame like this before. 

David sees tears well in Neil's eyes. “One day we're going to talk about this.” 

“After Finals. After we beat the Ravens. Then I'll tell you whatever you want to know. I'll even tell you the truth.” Neil promises, but won't look at the man. 

“I'll believe it when I see it.” 

Neil drinks a few glasses of scotch from Wymack’s dirty glass while the man patches him up. Neil is having trouble remembering most of his time at Evermore. His thought were fuzzy even before the alcohol. 

“I didn't sign it. He gave me a contract, but I wouldn't sign it. He could make me. This doesn't mean anything. I'm still a fox.”

Wymack takes in Neil's injuries, his slurred speech, his tired eyes. The kid wants to stay up the five minutes until the official New Year, but after that he sleeps. David wakes him every so often to check on his concussion. 

 

The reunion had been awkward. Neil wears one of his old sweaters and long sleeve shirts but he can't hide the bruises on his face. Kevin's reaction was the hardest-- he paled, taking in Neil's hair and eyes rather than his bruised face. Kevin knows what Riko is capable of, has seen Riko tear Jean to bits and fuck the pieces. He knows what happened-- the uncensored version. 

Matt punched Kevin in the face and Aaron looks as indifferent as he always does. Nicky cries and makes a move forward that sends Neil cringing back out of reach. He can't hide the fear in his eyes or the limp in his walk. Neil should care more, because he's trying desperately to hide it and be fine, but he's just relieved that nobody touches him. 

Two days-- one day? His body is still used to Raven days-- after his return from Evermore, his body was still a painful mess, but most of the swelling had gone down. The bruises and cuts on his thighs and ass still hurt, but his hole stopped bleeding, for the most part. He still hurt down there, but it could be worse, he is only bruised and spotting blood. Thankfully, Neil had been allowed to sleep on Coach’s couch instead of climbing the ladder to his bed. 

 

Picking up Andrew was much less dramatic than everyone seemed to predict. Neil insisted on driving them there and back-- Andrew had given him the keys for a reason. He expected Neil to pick him up, so he did; even though his ass hurt all the way up his spine and his hips were cramping and his thighs burned. He thinks Nicky cries the entire ride to Easthaven, but Neil refuses to look. 

Kevin pulled him aside with pity on his face. He knows that Neil is Riko's property now, branded with a number. “I know how he sees you. I know it means he did not hold back.” 

He didn't. Riko had fucked Neil bloody and then ran him ragged and then beat him down to the floor, and then fucked him again. Over and over and over, for two weeks. On special occasions, Riko let other Ravens fuck him one right after another. Kevin didn't *know*, not like Jean or even Andrew did. Kevin could be so ignorant sometimes. 

They pick up Andrew. Neil limps along behind them, out of everyone's reach. He tries to hide the pain, but from the looks he keeps getting, he imagines it isn't working. Andrew notices, the observant little psycho. 

He pauses at the car, watching the pain in Neil's walk, the new hunch in his shoulders, the new gleam in his eye. He notes how Neil flinches whenever someone's comes too close or moves too fast or looks like they're even thinking about touching him. Sure, he doesn't know the specifics of what happened, but he knows it must be bad. The music Andrew turns up loud gives Neil a headache, but it's the least of his injuries. He's uncomfortable and too close to Nicky and Aaron on each side of him. He presses back and tries to remember to breath. Andrew tells himself he doesn't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? Next chapter featuring Angry Andrew? Or do you think he's desensitized by now? Let me know what you think! XO


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! You've all been so nice with your comments and pointing out the little mistakes!! So I'm rewarding you with another chapter :) let me know if you think anyone is ooc or something needs added or edited. I'm always up for ideas guys!! Seriously. I get lost without all the wonderful comments giving me direction.

Neil meets Andrew up on the roof, even though walking the stairs hurts and pulls at stitches. Andrew doesn't even look at him for several long minutes. Neil waits quietly. It's cold, Neil's shivers aggravate his injuries. He wishes he could have worn his new coat. Neil is tired, but he wants to be here with Andrew. 

“Come here.” Andrew breaks the silence after almost fifteen minutes. 

Neil hesitates. Walking and breathing hurts and Andrew isn't exactly a gentle person. Not that Neil is afraid of pain, or of Andrew. Not at all. He just knows that Andrew will know somehow, because Andrew is damn smart. 

“I'm fine.” Neil says, trying to stall. 

Andrew gives Neil an unimpressed stare. Neil sighs but takes a step forward. He expects Neil to flinch back, but he doesn't. He lets Andrew study his face. Lets him pry off all the bandages and examine the bruises and the black number tattooed on his cheek. 

“So did I break my promise? Or did you break yours?” 

“Neither,” Neil tries. “I'm fine. This is nothing.”

“And the bruises are nothing then? You're fine. Obviously.” Andrew stares at Neil with that blank, accusing stare. 

“It's fine.” Neil tries again. 

“This is not what ‘fine’ looks like. Don't lie to me. Tell me what happened.” 

Neil doesn't answer. He glares at Andrew. 

“Don't ask me that.” Neil warns. 

Because he doesn't want to say it. He knows Andrew doesn't *want* to know what happened. But he probably already knows, and is just looking for confirmation. It's stupid for Neil to be stalling, but he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to say the words. 

“I already did.” Andrew stares impatiently. 

“Why ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to? You already know.” 

“Then what are you afraid of?” 

Neil doesn't answer. He isn't afraid, but he doesn't want to say it either, not to Andrew who knows intimately what Neil has gone through. Or close enough. He stands there, breathing the smoke from Andrews cigarette and looking up at the sky. The stars are dimmed by the light pollution of the city, but there's no moon and no clouds. Neil doesn't know any of the star names or constellations. 

“I went to Evermore,” Neil hedges. Andrew looks thoroughly unamused, rolling his hand for Neil to continue. “Riko tried to make me sign a Raven contract. I didn't.”

“I want to hear you say it.” 

Except that Neil doesn't have a reply to that. So he stands quietly, comforted by the fact that it's only him and Andrew alone here. He snags Andrew's cigarette from between his fingers and eyes it. Andrew watches Neil eye the thing like he expects something. Neil brings it to his lips and takes a slow, experimental drag. The smoke burns his lungs. It's the first time he's ever actually smoked a cigarette, though he's had plenty of secondhand smoke from his mother and Andrew. 

“Riko raped you.” Andrew levels Neil with a dangerous look. He sound accusatory. 

“I went to the Nest willingly.” Neil replied softly. “I agreed to everything just by going. I thought I knew what I was walking in to.” 

“Did you say ‘yes Riko, you can fuck me’?” 

Neil shakes his head and looks away. He tries to keep his face schooled. Unaffected, like Andrew’s. But he can feel his mask crumbling. Neil wants to be left alone unharassed, but he doesn't want to be left alone unprotected. It's better to stay here with Andrew. He may shove Neil off the roof but he won't let anyone touch him either. 

“You don't swing, you didn't want Riko. Even if you didn't say ‘no’, that doesn't make it a ‘yes’. He raped you. Don't pretend otherwise.”

Neil doesn't know what to say to that. There isn't anything he could say that didn't sound like denial. Andrew lights another cigarette. 

“You weren't supposed to leave Kevin's side. Or did you forget?” 

“I promised to keep him safe. I didn't say I would hound him every step of the way like you do. I kept my end of the deal.”

“But not like this!” Andrew snaps. He eyes the bandages on Neil's fingers and grabs his wrist. Neil gives a little pained noise but Andrew grips tighter. He wants to hurt him. 

“Riko bought one of the doctors at Easthaven! Proust-- he would use ‘reenactment therapy’.” He left the rest for Andrew to decipher. 

It was the stupidest thing Andrew has ever heard of-- it nearly sends him into a rage, but he keeps his emotions in check. Neil is a fucking martyr-- he gave himself to Riko Moriyama for two weeks; three Raven weeks. 336 hours. Because he thought that meant protection for Andrew and Kevin. So fucking naive. 

“I don't need your protection.” His voice is flat and emotionless. Because if Andrew lets himself be angry he might hurt Neil. He wants to hurt someone, to make them pay for hurting Neil like this. But it's hard to stay calm when Neil left an asexual virgin and returns with bruises and a limp and… Andrew is furious. Neil is naive and inexperienced in anything sexual and then the Ravens fucked him up, maybe for life. Only anger can cut through the blue of his depression like this. Only Neil can make him feel this much. He hates it. He hates what Neil can make him feel. 

“You spent all this time watching our backs. Who's watching yours? And don't say you are, because you and I both know you take shit care of yourself.” 

“Worthless. Everything you did was worthless. Proust did what he wanted. It doesn't matter.” 

“I had to try. If I had the chance to stop it and did nothing, how could I face you again? How could I live with myself?”

The blondes eyes darken dangerously. Strangely, Neil doesn't flinch back when Andrew grabs him. He had been flinching from others, even Nicky and Matt, all day. He did not shy from Andrews grip on his arm. He can feel the bandages on Neil's wrists. His grip on Neil tightens, and he pulls him close. Neil follows willingly enough. 

Andrew twists Neil's arm behind his back and forces him down to his knees. He leans over Neil, close but not touching. He can hear the younger mans panicked breath, can feel him begin to shake, and he can tell Neil is fighting to control his reaction. 

Andrew feels cruel. He leans the rest of the way forward to whisper in Neil's ear. It presses him flush against Neil's back. “You tried to stop Proust, you're a fucking hero. Congrats. How many times did Riko rape you? Do you remember all of them? Can you count that high? Did he share you?” 

Neil's shakes double, Andrew can feel Neil tremble through his jacket. “It wasn't worth it. You went to Evermore for nothing. You let Riko have you, for nothing.” 

It only takes a second for Andrews words to kick in. Neil's surrender had been for nothing. Proust had gotten to Andrew, regardless. Oh no. No nononono. 

Neil's stomach twists, and Andrew is too close. Memories of Andrews hands clenched on the headboard beneath Drake blended with the Ravens and Riko. Neil can see his own hands clenched in a headboard again. 

Andrew lets Neil panic, watches the boy crumble before him. His breath quickens until he's hyperventilating. He fights against Andrews grip on his arm until the blonde thinks he might dislocate it. Only then does he let go, and Neil collapses to the ground. Andrew knows he crossed a line, but he doesn't believe in regret. 

Andrew doesn't care. At least, that's what Andrew tells himself as he looks at Neil's distant gaze and the violent tremors that rack his body. Blood begins to stain through the bandage on his wrist where scabs had broken open. Neil was already prone to panic attacks, they had all witnessed him daze out with certain phrases or actions. 

This was worse. Neil starts babbling in Japanese, with English peppered through-- enough to understand Neil is begging. Instead of making Andrew satisfied, it turns his stomach. Neil is holding himself. His hands fist in his jeans and he goes pale. There is nothing satisfying in the terror and pain in Neil's eyes. This does not feel like victory. 

The look on his face makes Andrew angry. Neil's eyes are distant and scared and pained. Neil had only returned the day before, he knows the boy must be in pain. He sees tears stain down Neil's cheeks. This doesn't feel like a victory. 

Andrew drops down beside Neil, careful not to touch him. He snaps his fingers in front of the boys nose. 

“Look at me.” He barks. It takes a few moments for Neil to register his face amongst what must be memory shadows. 

“A-Andrew?” He gasps. Andrew hates the way Neil's voice trembles; he sounds weak, but Neil Josten is not weak. 

He clasps the back of Neil's neck. “Sure as fuck not Aaron. And if I'm here, Riko isn't. Right? So calm the fuck down.” 

Andrew flicks at Neil's ear until he focuses on the blonde, but he is careful not to touch. Neil is still on the verge of panic, eyes wide and ready to run. He looks lost and haunted and hurting. Andrew knows that look, he hates that look. He has seen it in his own reflection too many times, years ago. He lights two cigarettes. He passes one to Neil. 

“Yes.” Neil whispers. 

That isn't what Andrew was expecting. “Yes?”

“Yes. Riko shared me with some of the other Ravens. When I wouldn't call him King. When I wouldn't take his number willingly. When he wanted to punish me for not signing the contract.” 

Andrew doesn't reply, just stares blank-faced. That was supposed to be a jab, not a guess. But it makes him sick-- not just because it's Neil, but because Andrew can't even imagine how much it hurt. Jesse had choked him to keep Andrew quiet, Stephen and Samuel had messed with his head, had forced him to like it. Drake had been strong and left bruises. But it was never as bad as a fucking gang rape. It was never so many men, and Andrew doesn't have anything to reference-- isn't sure how to make Neil feel safe again. 

Neil continues. “I lost count somewhere in the ‘teens. Sometimes he would wake me up and-- And I lost count.” 

Because he was trying to protect Andrew. 

Fury eats at Andrew. “I hate you. You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs.”

“I'm not a Hallucination.”

“Go inside and leave me alone.” Andrew says. Neil tries not to feel disappointed that he has to walk the stairs again because Andrew threw his keys down four stories to the ground. Neil goes to sleep.  
Andrew stays and scowls at the campus, chain smoking.

Andrew hates humanity. He hates it for all of the pain people put each other through. Andrew learned long ago that people would always hurt you; that's what people do. Just like now-- Neil was hurting Andrew without even realizing it. It hurts to think of Neil like that-- held down and fucked like some lifeless doll. Andrew punches the wall by the door, but it doesn't stop him from imagining Neil screaming.


	4. Chapter 4

Andrew and Neil don't ignore eachother, but they don't speak either. Andrew is too angry, afraid to lose his temper or his sanity and hurt Neil. Neil mostly sits quietly and studies Exy plays with Kevin for Coach. He doesn't avoid Andrew, but he doesn't seek him out. He understands that Andrew needs space and gives it to him willingly.

For the first two days Neil hasn't really slept. He naps in doses-- fifteen minutes here, a half an hour there. Never more than an hour at a time. Nightmares plague him, leaving Neil gasping awake and striking out. Thankfully Matt sleeps through Neil's nightmares. The third day at Palmetto passes before it becomes something of a problem. He's finally exhausted himself into crashing. 

Neil is twitching on the bed, legs tangled in sheets and long pajama pants. He dreams of his stay at Evermore. Of Riko making Neil call him King. Of being thrown to a horny gang of Raven cultists. Too many hands are on him, holding his hips down and spreading his legs. They're not laughing at him, this is punishment and they are Ravens. They tell him how pretty he is, how good he is at ‘whoring himself’, they taunt him. They list his failures on the court and in life. Riko's cock in Neil's ass and his knife in his shoulder. 

They had dislocated his hip somewhere between boys two or three, he thinks. It throbs, each thrust sending bolts of pain. His back hurts too, to a lesser extent. His shoulder has dislocated again, too. He's covered in blood and sweat and new scars. Riko cums on his face and passes him off to another player. Neil wants it to stop-- they pass him around again and again and Neil is screaming in Japanese for Riko to make it stop. 

Matt wakes to Neil yelling something in Japanese he doesn't understand. He jumps up to look for an intruder in their room, but it's just the two of them. He turns on the light to check on Neil. The boy is curled on his bed trembling, legs kicking out. Matt can see tears track down his cheeks. 

He calls Neil's name over and over, but he won't wake. There have been bags under his eyes for days now because he hasn't slept. This is an exhausted sleep. He grabs Neil's shoulder in a gentle grip to shake him awake. His roommate has never had night terrors like this before. 

Neil wakes up screaming and swinging. A surprisingly strong fist catches Matt in the chest. It knocks the air out of him, and sends him sprawling to the floor. Neil is yelling in Japanese and trying to run, but he trips over his feet still tangled in sheets. 

Andrew had woken at the first scream and came running into the room. It had been locked, but Matt stumbles to open it before Andrew can knock it down. The tiny blonde comes barreling into the room, looking murderous. He studies Neil-- curled in the corner, now. Away from the beds. He's talking in Japanese, but Kevin is still passed out in bed so nobody can understand. He sounds scared and vicious and desperate. 

Andrew turns to Matt and shoves back against the wall. Matts scowls back but his hands go up-- he knows better than to touch Andrew. Especially in the middle of the night when he's off his meds. Especially when he thinks one of his own is in danger. 

“What did you do?” Andrew asks, face dangerously blank. Matt can feel the point of a knife pressed to his stomach. 

There are too many people in the room with Neil, staring at him and blocking him inside. He does not see the Foxes, he sees the Raven’s faces again. They're trying to help Riko, trying to touch him and fuck him and hurt him. Adrenaline drugs through his blood and he wants to run but there are four men in front of the door. 

“Jesus! I didn't do anything, Neil was having a nightmare. I tried to wake him up and he just panicked. You know I wouldn't hurt him.” Matt sounds offended at the idea. 

“Don't touch him again.” Andrew turns to the rest of the Foxes gathered. “None of you touch Neil again. Not without explicitly asking, not without his knowing consent.”

Andrew takes control, of course. He orders everyone else out of the suite and into the hall. Neil is still panicked, half dazed from sleep and waking up scared. It takes nearly five minutes for Neil to look at Andrew. When he recognizes the face, the relief hits him too hard. His adrenaline turns sour in his stomach, and Neil is running to vomit in the bathroom. 

Andrew watches without interest or pity. The understanding in his eyes makes Neil start puking again. Worthless. Everything Neil had done to protect Andrew had been worthless. 

Eventually Andrew hauls Neil to his feet. It's been an hour and he knows that Neil has nothing left in his stomach to puke up. He hands him mouthwash and a bottle of water from the fridge. “You're done. Drink this.”

Andrew guides Neil to the living room and onto the couch. He can feel Neil's tremors like they are his own. He disappears for a moment, leaving Neil alone. Andrew returns with a soft grey blanket that Neil has no idea where it came from. He drops it on Neil's lap and turns on the TV to the discovery channel. After a few hours needed to calm Neil's anxiety, Andrew texts Aaron, who talks to Matt. Apparently the team, minus Kevin, had followed Matt and gathered in the girls suite. They were all worried about Neil.

It's Aaron who volunteers to trade rooms, since there was already four of them in there and they couldn't just fit Neil in somewhere. He's small, but not exactly collapsible. Nicky, of course, moves too, because Andrew doesn't trust him around Neil in such a fragile state. Nicky is loud and affectionate and has no sense of personal space. 

Andrew should have arranged this sooner. It was obvious Neil has not been sleeping, and he's begun stealing borrowing hoodies found around the dorms. Neil has a new tendency to wear sweaters too large to be his own; some they recognize as Matt’s, and one they know are Kevins. Andrew's or Aaron's are too small but Neil really likes Allison’s soft blue one with the fluffy fleece lining. Nobody has said anything yet because they know Andrew would cut an idiot, but Nicky drapes Allison’s jacket over the back of the couch for Neil to wear. 

So now the entire team is awake at two in the morning like this is a normal occurrence. Regardless of the time, the team helps move Aaron's and Nicky's things and then Matt helps Andrew and Neil move Neil's things into the other room. Andrew insists Neil gets the bunk below his own, because Andrew likes sleeping up high, despite the heights. 

The noise woke Kevin some time earlier and he comes in scowling horribly at Andrew and Neil, who had returned to the couch. Neil didn't want to sleep and Andrew fights the exhaustion his withdrawals give him. They try to fight sleep for a while but don't last as long as they'd hoped. 

Neil dozed on the couch after the others had gone to bed. Andrew took the liberty of texting coach that neither of them would be in to morning practice. They watched something on the tv in silence, until Neil's eyes drooped shut and he finally dozed off somewhere around five am.

Andrew reads his book, but keeps a watchful eye for any more recurring memories while the boy sleeps. Neil's head droops on to Andrews shoulder. He decided to let him stay there-- he tells himself that if Neil does not get at least a little sleep he will be spacey and even more annoying than usual the next day. And if he feels safe enough around Andrew to sleep, well-- Neil certainly needs his rest. 

Andrew wakes Neil when his phone alarm starts. It's Monday and his first class starts at 9am. Neil is slow to dress, locked in the bathroom, and only eats because Andrew throws a banana at him. He doesn't want to go to class, to be around so many people, too close, so soon. He would rather lie on the couch with Andrew. But He Is Fine, so he wears a dark long shirt and pants that aren't too tight. And then another shirt, because Neil's skin is still crawling. And then a jacket commandeered from Allison and finally Andrew helps him shrug on the coat Nicky got him for Christmas. Andrew's matches. 

Except Andrew's classes don't start until noon and he has nowhere to be now that morning practice is over…?

“Where are you going?” Neil wonders, in case he needs Andrew and has to find him. 

“I'm walking you to class.” 

“Oh.” That was not the answer Neil was expecting, but he won't complain. He knows better than to ask why, and he does feel better having Andrew by his side. They pass large groups of football and basketball players, and a lot of people are staring at the bandage and bruises on Neil's face. It makes his skin crawl and he shivers. He must have stopped walking because Andrew drags him forward with a handful of Neil's coat. People stop staring when Andrew's scowl takes final form into something that could be condensed into a weapon of mass destruction. One man trips over himself trying to get out of their way. 

Andrew drops him off inside the classroom where Neil can sit beside the door and turns Neils desk sideways so the back is against a wall. 

“Thanks.” Neil sits with a hidden little grimace as his weight presses against the bruises on his ass. 

“I'll pick you up after class. Don't leave without me.” Andrew orders. Neil nods and hunches down in his seat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little filler chapterbi hope you'll really love. Comments make me post faster! I love them!!! You guys are so amazing for reading thank you so much!!!

Neil knows it's a dream but he can still feel the hands on him, the knife in him, can hear Jean's angry voice in his ear. Andrew is there. But not in a good way-- held down by Drake, right next to him. The same bed, even. Their hands are clenched in the headboard with a white-knuckled grip, side by side. Their handcuffs gleam red with their blood. Neil wishes Andrew would quit laughing. 

Drake wears a Ravens jersey, and Andrew is cut open and bleeding from Riko's knife. Jean fucks Neil because Riko told him to, and it will be so much worse if he doesn't. None of this is funny. 

 

Neil wakes up gasping, his face wet, and Andrew is leaning over from his own bunk. His face isn't bloody and he isn't laughing. He stares as Neil bolts from the bed, out of the room. He can hear him retching into the toilet. Andrew doesn't care enough to get out of bed for no reason, but he does wait up for Neil to come back to bed. 

Except he doesn't. Andrew pulls out a book and reads for an hour. Neil still isn't in bed. Another hour passes and Andrew gets up. He finds Neil in the tub, water off. He's staring at the wall, but his eyes are far away. They're blue and very pretty, but foggy and unfocused. He shakes, arms wrapped around his knees, drawn up to his chest. He looks young and vulnerable and small, though his clothes hide every inch of skin. Andrew has yet to see any of the injuries. Neil has been changing behind locked doors and Abby always kicks him out when she comes to rebandage them. He doesn't show any kind of recognition when Andrew calls his name. 

“Neil. Neil!” Nothing. He doesn't even blink. Between the color change of hair and eyes, he's more subdued, more skittish than when he had first arrived. It's like Andrew is looking at a new person. This isn't the Neil he knows. The Neil he knows isn't a coward. But then again, he had always been a runner, a flight risk. Maybe since he couldn't run from his mind, he was letting his mind run away with him. No doubt it took him back to dark rooms at the Ravens Nest, or to his fathers abuse. 

It takes at least fifteen minutes to bring him out of it, because Andrew doesn't dare touch him. Not after everything that has been done to him, not after all the unconsented touches he's already had to endure. Instead, he dumps a cup of water of his head. Neil jumps with a little yelp and presses back against the shower wall. 

“Neil. Look at me.” 

Neil looks at Andrew with desperate eyes. Scared and still set to fight-or-flight. 

“You're hiding in a tub. From what? Kevin's snoring?” 

“I had a bad dream.” 

“And decided the shower was the place to be?” Andrew pretends to be obtuse to antagonize Neil into answering. Into staying here in the present with Andrew. 

“You weren't here. I couldn't see you, I thought-- I… I got lost for a bit. Sorry.” Neil all but whispers. 

“Get up.” Andrew isn't about to let Neil sit there and panic, all alone. He guides Neil to the kitchen by the hem of his shirt, careful not to touch skin. He drops Neil on the couch and turns the tv on to the discovery channel again. Andrew goes back to reading his book. They sit quietly and the next time he looks up Neil is staring. 

“You're staring.” 

“I'll stop if you want.”

“Why?” Neil knows what he means. Andrew is asking about *this*. How Neil is fine being alone and so close to Andrew. 

Neil shrugs and answers slowly. “He said he was helping me to understand you better. But I don't think it worked. You're still the same as always. Matt is too big and Kevin was a Raven. Renee is dangerous. Dan is always with Matt and Allison is always with Renee. And sometimes they're all too much. But you're still Andrew. Riko wanted to ruin you for me, I think. But it didn't work.” 

Andrew scowls. “Don't look at me like that. I'm not saving you.”

Neil shrugs. He's still staring but Andrew just rolls his eyes and goes back to reading his book. Eventually Neil drifts back to sleep with Andrew watching over him. 

He doesn't let Andrew out of his sight that day. It's Wednesday, but Neil skips classes. When Andrew wakes him again, it's for class but Neil shakes his head and stares as the blonde. Andrew gets it, he does. 

So Andrew cooks them French toast for breakfast because it's sweet and easy to make. Neil sits at the counter and tugs at his hair while Andrew mixes cinnamon into the eggs and milk. Neil thinks he probably adds too much. Andrew drowns his plate in a puddle of syrup. Neil's hands shake like an old man’s, so Andrew pours for him and drizzles a little syrup over Neil's toast, since he doesn't like sweet things. 

“Thanks.” Neil almost drops the fork a few times but he manages. Andrew is a surprisingly decent cook. They leave the dishes for someone to bother with later. 

“You should shower. You stink.” Andrew suggests. Neil is still in his sleep clothes, sweaty from his nightmare. 

He hopes a little routine might help Neil out of rut he's in today and he can go to his afternoon classes. However, Neil stands by the counter and doesn't move. His arms wrap around himself and fist on his clothes like he's trying to keep them. His eyes are a little wider, a little bright with some irrational fear. 

Neil knows he is being irrational, but he doesn't want Andrew out of his sight. His dreams had shaken him and he doesn't want to have to leave both Andrew and himself separate and alone. He stares at Andrew with pleading eyes, his eyebrows bunched together. 

Andrew sighs. He sees that today is unsalvageable, and resigns to stay in with Neil.

“Whatever. At least change shirts, you reek like adrenaline.” 

Neil hesitates. “Don't leave?” 

It sounds childish, even to Neil's ears. Andrew doesn't understand it, but he agrees. He gives Neil a look that says he's being stupid but indulges him anyway. 

Neil nods and makes his way to their bedroom. Andrew waits outside the door, can hear him changing. Neil has been trying to be considerate of Andrew and his psych, careful to hide the injuries from him. He doesn't want Andrew to see the bruises and stitches and hickeys and teeth marks that still litter his body. It's been nearly four days but he can still see every mark. He borrows Nicky's black shirt that stretches down his thighs and over his wrists. He also borrows the first jacket he sees; he thinks Matt might have accidentally left it here. 

They skip classes in favor of sitting on the couch with Andrews laptop. Andrew does his classes online. Neil catches up on his homework, and doodles little paws in the corners. He doodles Andrew's bored stare and a smoking cigarette. For lunch Andrew calls in Chinese-- some sort of spicy noodles for himself, and soup for Neil, because he refuses to order. 

Andrew scowls at the redhead. “Pick something already.” 

“Whatever is fine.” Neil shrugs, tugging at his hair again. 

“Pick something.” 

“You pick something. I'm fine with anything.” 

“No, Neil. It is not fine. If you don't order you won't get anything.” Andrew tries coaxing a decision from him. 

“That's fine.”

“You have to eat. Just pick something already, before I stab you.”

“I don't know. I don't care. Just get me anything.” 

“Fuck, Neil. Nobody likes a martyr. What's your problem?” 

Neil shrugs again and refuses to talk. Andrew finally gives up and orders a soup. It would be easy to force down Neil's throat if he tries not eating. Neil doesn't need to tell him that he feels lost today-- like he can't think, like he can barely move. Breathing is a chore. He's exhausted and unsure. His mother always ordered things for the both of them anyway. Maybe Neil is falling back into bad habits, but he can't find it in himself to care yet.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everybody that has been so amazing commenting so much!!! Seriously, it makes my day. You guys are so great!!!

Neil doesn't realize he's afraid of the dark for a surprisingly long time. Recently, Neil jumps awake some time between two and four in the morning. Neil runs to the bathroom to puke the adrenaline out and Andrew drags him back to bed. Neil stares up at the bottom of Andrew's bunk while the blonde drones about anything-- usually he relays the friendlier conversations he and Renee have. Sometimes he just rambles about anything. Neil learns to fall asleep to the sound of Andrew talking. Kevin snores, oblivious, in his own bed. 

Neil wakes up from a dream he doesn't remember. His head is foggy but not tired-- he can't go to sleep but he doesn't want to leave the bed. The air is thick and too dark around him. Neil can't tell where he is. It's too dark, he can't see. Neil doesn't know where is. 

The Ravens Nest was just as dark and compressing. Neil thinks he might be there but he thinks-- wasn't he back at Palmetto? Hadn't he already served his time? Hadn't he already suffered enough? But it was so dark and Neil's chest hurt. Palmetto had been a dream? Oh god, what if it had been a dream. God, Neil doesn't know where he is. Where is he?

*whereamIwhereamIwhereamI??

“Neil! Listen to me. You're in Palmetto, Fox Tower. You're with me. Breath, damn it. You're safe with me, we're in Fox Tower. You're in Palmetto.” 

“Wh- what?” 

“Fucking listen to me, Neil. It's Andrew. You're safe. We are in Palmetto. We are safe.” 

“Andrew. Lights-- the lights.” 

The lights flick on a moment later and Neil can see their bedroom clearly. Kevin flopped an arm over his eyes and went back to snoring. Andrew is still in his pajamas, but he's slipping his shoes and coat on too. His hair is messy from sleep and his cheek has pillow creases. He looks incredibly soft like this. He stares at Neil expectantly. 

“Coming?” 

Neil doesn't bother to ask where, Andrew likes to go up to the roof even when it's freezing out. Instead of taking the stairs up, Andrew helps him down the stairs to Andrew's car. He gets in without a word. He's still shaken from his dream, half-numb from disbelief that this wasn't a dream. Neil had been so sure he was back with the Ravens… 

Neil doesn't know where they're going and he doesn't ask. Andrew merges into the interstate for a few minutes and quickly takes an exit Neil is only vaguely familiar with. Andrew parks in front of Walmart and leads the way inside. Neil follows after, not a half-step behind the blonde. Andrew stops short of the door and Neil runs into his back. 

“Sorry.” 

Andrew just glares mildly before continuing on. Neil follows closely, but not like before. It's not like Andrew would leave him here, or let anyone hurt him. Andrew was his pit bull that growled everyone away from them, though there was hardly anyone in the store save a few insomniacs and night shift workers. Andrew leads Neil to the home furnishing section. He stops at an isle with night lights and looks at Neil with that unamused expression. And he waits. 

“Andrew, I don't need a night light. I've never had one, I don't need one now. I'm fine.” 

“I didn't ask. Pick one.”

“I don't need one. And my wallet is at the dorms, I didn't know you were taking me shopping in the middle of the night.” Neil snaps. 

“I know. Now pick one or I will.” Andrew eyes one that looks like a cartoon skeleton in a skinny black pinstriped suit with a large pointy collar. It has large gaping eyes and a black stitched mouth that's smile doesn't quite look friendly. Just no. That was creepy-- didn't it defeat the purpose of a night light? Neil grabs the first plain one he sees. It's generic white and plugs into the wall. It's got one on/off switch. 

Andrew completely ignores Neil's halfhearted protests in favor of wandering to the candy isle. He grabs two bags of chocolate and hands then to Neil to carry. They wander through the grocery aisles until Neil's arms are loaded with boxes of pasta and frozen pizzas, bags of chips, and ice cream. 

Andrew eyes the cakes and doughnuts in the bakery and stares back at Neil. “We should get a cart.” 

“You want *more* things?” Neil wonders in disbelief. 

Andrew just shrugs and they wander back by checkout so Andrew can find them a shopping cart that doesn't have stuff or squeaky wheels. It takes a few moments. They buy a case of Pepsi and Coke, some packs of cookies-- both prepackaged and raw dough-- and more chips and dip. Andrew grabs a variety of alcohol and Neil adds a case of water. Andrew continues to stroll the section for junk food but Neil tries to even it out by adding some fruits and the vegetables he doesn't hate. He adds lean hamburger and chicken to the cart. Andrew adds a cheesecake and two pies next to the cupcakes at the top of the pile. 

The checkout girl looks like she doesn't gets paid enough to care what they buy. She looks like she would rather be in bed. Her nose and cheeks are red, eyes bloodshot and she coughs with the first cold of the new year. As she scans everything Andrew contemplates going back for cold medicine, if only as a preemptive measure. But Neil pinched his coat as he passes by and gives him a look. Andrew rolls his eyes but stays. 

It's hard to fit all the groceries into the back of Andrew's car, and Neil winds up holding the cheesecake, pies, and cupcakes in his lap. He holds them up so they don't put a lot of pressure on his thighs where his skin is missing. It takes them a few trips to get the groceries upstairs, but Andrew convinces Neil to take the elevator with them. They finally make it to bed around five in the morning. They doze until Kevin's alarm wakes them up. 

They don't mention the night light again that day. Not until Neil comes back from the bathroom dressed in sweatpants and another long shirt and sees the stupid little light plugged in. Neil has been coughing all day and his head hurts, he's exhausted and just wants to sleep. Neil looks at Andrew, smoking a cigarette by the window. Kevin is climbing into bed. Neil decides it isn't worth arguing about. 

“Get the light.” Andrew tells Neil. He does, and Andrew turns on the night light. 

“Andrew what the fuck? Turn that off.” 

Andrew ignores him and climbs up the latter. 

“Since when do you need a night light? Seriously, it'll keep me up all night.” Kevin whines. 

“Not my problem.” 

“Come on, turn it-” 

“It's fine, Andrew. I don't need it, I can turn it off.” Neil sits up and begins coughing miserably again. 

“Don't be stupid. Both of you shut up and go to sleep.” Andrew growls from his loft. 

“It's annoying, it'll keep me up all night. Why do you even have it?” 

“Kevin, shut the fuck up before I cut you for being a whiney bitch.” 

Thankfully Kevin has the good sense to quit arguing. 

A few hours later when Neil wakes up with a gasp, he can recognize the room around him. Andrew had woke with him and listens to the boy catch his breath, but Neil doesn't run from the room. After a while his breath evens out again as he falls back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm having issues writing angry andrew? He's just such a controlled person. But in working on it. It may be an extra day or two before I'm happy enough to post it... but wish me luck!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys I was not expecting this fic to be so long! I had a crappy day so here's another chapter!! It's a low day, so fair warning that I didn't even really edit this before I posted... Comments are motivation!!

Neil wakes up with a headache and a sore throat. Andrew walks him to class but the lights hurt Neil's eyes and his cough keeps disrupting the teacher. He must look horrible because she pulls him aside to tell him he's too sick and sends him back to the dorms. Neil feels too miserable to argue. He doesn't really want to walk alone but he doesn't want to drag one of the other out of class and this early in the morning, most people on campus are sleeping or in class. 

Neil hurried back to Fox Tower and thankfully nobody bothered him. His stomach turns at the smell from someone's breakfast and Neil has to run to vomit in the bathroom. He heaves until his stomach is empty. As soon as his stomach settles he turns the light off because his eyes feel like they're melting from his skull. That's where Andrew finds him a few minutes later. Neil is slumped against the cool edge of the tub. His cheeks look flushed and his bangs stick to his forehead with sweat. 

“Neil.” Neil's eyes squint open. 

“What?” His voice sounds raspy. He breaks into a coughing fit. 

“You're sick.” Andrew scowls down at him. 

“I'm fine.” 

Andrew rolls his eyes when Neil starts coughing again. He leaves and digs through the first aid kit for the thermometer. Neil's eyes are closed again when he comes back. 

“Come on, open up.” Neil squints at him but obeys. 

“You have a fever.” Andrew scowls at the thermometer like it's the one to blame. 

“Sorry.” 

“Come on. Bed. Have you taken any medicine?” 

Neil shakes his head. He stands and sways, and stumbles back against the wall. His vertigo makes his head spin and making his eyes focus hurts. Neil groans lowly, feeling his stomach turn. 

“Can I touch you?” Andrew asks, taking pity. Neil is pale and sweaty and his fever is already high. He just nods and lets Andrew help him back to their room. He dumps Neil on the bed and grabs him a trash can to puke in. He looks for cold medicine but he doesn't see any. Because Neil wouldn't let him leave during checkout. 

“I have to go to the store. Want anything?”

“Don't leave.” Neil kind of rasps. 

“Too bad, baby. You need cold medicine and soup and crap sick people need.” 

“Sick people eat soup?” Neil had never been allowed to be sick before. On the road with his mother, he could never slow her down. She would buy them a bottle of medicine and rationed his doses so they wouldn't make him sluggish. 

Andrew rolls his eyes and chucks Neil's favorite fluffy blue sweater-- the one he has all but stolen from Allison. Strangely, she let him. Neil curls up with it on his bed and dozes while Andrew is gone. 

 

Neil dreams of being Stefan for a little while in Germany, waking up feeling like this in the passenger seat of some junker car his mother was driving. 

“Stefen! Wake up. Wake up!” She shouted at him in German. She felt his forehead and her stern face turned angry. 

“Are you sick? Did you get sick?” She demands, as if he did something wrong. Like he did it on purpose. She grabs his chin in a bruising grip and turns his head to look at her. 

“You cannot be sick! Do you hear me?” She slaps a hand across his face. Again and again until his ears are ringing. 

“You are not sick. We are not slowing down for you. Listen to me-- you are fine.” She hits him again for emphasis. “Say it!” 

“I'm fine-” ‘Stefan’ breaks into a wet cough. His mother slaps him until he can breath again. 

“Say it.” She demands again. 

“I'm fine. I'm fine.” He repeats it like a mantra until she stops hitting him. 

 

Andrew wakes him up and helps him to the kitchen. Now that he isn't puking his legs are steadier. Neil sits at the couch wrapped in the soft grey blanket and the fuzzy blue sweater. Andrew gives him a cup of cold medicine and microwaves soup for lunch. He had stocked up on the few things they didn't get at the store the day before. Andrew had not seen the snot nosed cashier. 

Andrew comes to sit beside him, and gives Neil his mug of soup. He turns the tv to some stupid Exy game he hates but he knows Neil loves. Neil only gets half way through the mug when he bolts to the bathroom. Andrew can hear him puking into the toilet, painful wretched that almost make him wince with sympathy. But if it were Andrew sick, he would want to be alone in his misery. 

Eventually Neil stumbles back out on shaky legs. Andrew helps him back to the couch. He looks miserable-- he swings between shivering and throwing his covers off. His face is grey and his eyes are unfocused on the screen. Andrew gives him another half dose, figuring he probably puked the first dose up. When he drifts off to sleep Andrew fetches his laptop to work on homework. 

 

When Neil wakes up again, he's sprawled on the couch alone. The blanket is kicked to the floor and there's a wet cloth on his forehead. Neil thinks it was probably supposed to be cold but it's not. He sits up and sees a blonde and black blur in the corner of his eye. Neil reaches out of latch onto the sleeve of Andrew's shirt but Andrew pulls away. 

"Drew?" Neil slurs. 

“I'm Aaron,” he crouches. 

“Oh.” Neil is disappointed, and Aaron takes pity on his pout. Neil looks pretty pathetic, pale and feverish and tired. It's The 

“Andrew! Neil needs you.” Aaron was here to grab a book left behind, not babysit a pouty Neil. 

Aaron yells too loud and Neil's head aches. So does his throat. He coughs weekly. Andrew comes back with another dose of medicine and mug of soup, both of which he feeds to Neil. 

“Thanks.” 

“Abby says you need to shower. She dropped by some antibacterial cream and more bandages and gauze. But wait until the medicine kicks in. I don't want you falling over in the shower.” 

Neil eats half of the soup again, but keeps it down with some effort. He also has a few bites of toast, which helps. Andrew gives him another cold rag for his forehead. When Neil feels steadier he lets Andrew lead him to the shower. He sits Neil on the lid of the toilet and leaves. He sits outside the door and waits. 

“Andrew? I need some help. I can't reach all of my bandages.” He asks hesitantly. He doesn't want Andrew to see the marks left from Riko. Abby had been coming by to unbandage him before he showered, and treat him again afterwards, but for some reason she trusted that to Andrew today. 

Andrew enters and asks permission before he touches him. Neil is covered in bandages. Andrew doesn't pause but he takes his time to study each injury as he unwraps them. His ribs are bruised if not broken, the whole front of his torso is carved to pieces and bruised black. His arms are cut and bruised in a similar manner and his shoulder is especially dark at the joint. 

There are hickeys, still dark after nearly a week. Worst are the bite marks on his chest and neck, bloody and bruised-- some are deep and stitched together. It turns Andrew's stomach. As it is, he can't control the instant rage that hits him like a wall, unrelenting. He reacts before he thinks, and punches the wall beside them. Neil stands frozen still, barely breathing. He gives Andrew a moment to control himself, to decide if he can stay or not. 

“Do you need to leave?” Neil asks hesitantly. His thumbs are hooked in the band of his sweatpants. He's giving Andrew an opening to leave before he can see the worst of it. 

Andrew's face is dark but he shakes his head. Neil slips the boxers and sweats off with an efficient kick. His legs are bluer than his torso and covered in so many bandages and tape he isn't sure where to start. One his is bruised dark just like his shoulder-- Andrew wonders and notes that. 

Neil peels some bandages off his thighs that are bloody and raw, a few inches wide almost all down his thigh. The flesh had been cut away-- skinned. He takes off the bandages he can reach, mostly shallow knife wounds. Neil holds his breath as he turns around for Andrew to peel the bandages off his back side. He tries to be quick. Most are cuts, and many stitched together. ‘Riko’ is carved shallowly into Neil's back. He peels off another large bandage stretching down the back of Neil's thigh, under his ass. It's Andrew's turn to freeze. Underneath are the words ‘Raven whore’. 

He tries to keep in control of the rage he feels because Neil is bare in front of him, injured and vulnerable. But the last bit of patience Andrew has snaps. Andrew growls, punching the wall again. Now there are two matching holes. “I'm going to destroy that for what he did to you. Every single one of those sick fucking bastards.” 

There aren't enough words to keep expressing what Andrew feels. He points a finger at Neil, standing wide eyed, clutching a towel in front of him. He opens his mouth like he has something to stay. 

“Do not dare tell me you are fine. And don't even begin to imply that you are somehow to blame for this.” 

Andrew stares in breaking into Neil's eyes with an expression he hasn't seen before. There is anger there, years of it, and conviction, but this is also as close to pleading as Andrew would ever get again. This was Andrew begging Neil to believe him, to know that this was not Neil's fault, that Neil did not deserve this. 

Neil nods. “Okay,” he almost whispers. His voice sounds ragged from coughing. 

Andrew leaves and pulls his phone from his pocket as he tries to remember to breath. Renee’s phone rings a few times, long enough for the shower to start. Andrew steps away from the bathroom door so Neil can't hear him but he can hear if Neil falls. He's already taken all the sharp objects out of the bathroom. 

“Hello, Andrew.” Renee doesn't sound surprised, nor expectant; she sounds as steady as she always does. It helps ground Andrews rage, just a little. 

“Meet me later.” Andrew demands. 

“Of course.” She says in the same tone, and hangs up. 

Andrew's knuckles already hurt from punching through the bathroom wall twice, but he can't get Neil's injuries out of his head. He knew how his own body had looked after such abuse-- bruises and bites and scratches. He expected knife wounds because it's *Riko Moriyama*. Andrew did not anticipate ‘Riko’ and ‘Raven whore’ written across Neil's ass. It's a small mercy that Neil doesn't have to see them. 

Andrew breaks the blender, a lamp, and a chair before he can see past the red mist on his eyes. When he can breath again he lights a cigarette and paces. When his hands quit shaking quite so much he snubs the cig in the sink. He sits outside the door waiting, listening to make sure Neil doesn't slip and fall. No doubt he heard the noise and is just buying time. Sure enough, Neil stumbles out wrapped in his towel. 

“You don't have to,” Neil offers. “I can call Abby, it's fine.” 

“Shut up.” Neil shuts up and lets Andrew painstakingly apply antibacterial ointment and bandages to every single scrape, cut, burn, and bite. Andrew studies each one, jaw clenched and eyes burning holes with his glare. He carefully wraps Neil's ribs so it doesn't hurt any more than necessary. Neil dresses in Andrew's sweatpants and reminds himself to do laundry soon. Maybe when he doesn't feel like death. The shower didn't make him feel even a little better. 

“Did you talk to Abby about getting tested?” Andrew asks as Neil curls under the blanket again. Andrew sets about cleaning the things he destroyed. He sees Neil nod. He looks tired. Andrew hurried his cleaning and lets Neil drift to sleep again. When Renee meets Andrew for their sparring session, Andrew had Aaron watch Neil. He knows the kid is an adult, but he didn't even know soup was for sick people or what kind of cold medicine, like he had never been sick. Andrew figured Aaron would be best, since he's going for a medical degree and he's much less annoying than Nicky. 

Aaron grudgingly agrees, only because he saw how shitty Neil looked earlier when he mistook him for Andrew. Apparently Neil was sick enough to mistake Aaron for Andrew, something he hadn't fallen for since that first day. So Aaron brings his homework back in and sets up in a chair next to Neil. He puts cold medicine and a bottle of water in front of Neil's nose as he sleeps. If he wakes up and needs anything it's within arm's reach. 

Neil sleeps like the dead. He doesn't move, barely breaths. His face is more gray than a few hours ago, and his face is red. Aaron wonders if Andrew even took Neil's temperature, but decided it isn't his problem. He settles down to his books and laptop for a while, and tries to ignore the occasional pathetic cough. At least, until a fit wakes Neil. 

He coughs weakly, sounding tired and ill. Aaron scowls at him and keeps taking notes. 

“Mom?” Neil croaks, sounding like shit. 

“No.” Aaron replied. Neil twists to look at him, but there is something desperate in his eyes. 

“‘Drew?” Neil slurs. “What's--”

“I'm Aaron!” Aaron snaps, patience gone. He had studying to do, he didn't want to babysit his twin’s not-boyfriend. The guy was 18, he could look after himself, sick or not. Aaron packs his stuff and dares to move Neil from the couch to the bedroom. He makes Neil stagger down the hall while Aaron follows behind with his arms laden with the cold medicine, tissues, water and trash can. He's sick of Neil's annoying cough, and he's usually the one to tell the difference between the twins and it's just-- it's annoying. Aaron is pretty sure Neil only went along with moving because he thought Aaron was Andrew. 

So, out of sight, out of mind. Aaron can study in peace. If Neil actually needs something he can yell and Aaron will hear. He'll be fine. 

Except that the blackout curtains are drawn and the door is shut and the night light is off, and it's dark. Neil's hands clench in the headboard because he's too dizzy to move and it--- it feels familiar. Pain and nausea and being stuck in a bed, unable to move. Neil tosses against the hallucinations of hands. His blankets kick to the floor. He falls asleep. Rinse, repeat. Neil drifts between fever dreams of the Nest, and staring at the ceiling wondering where he is-- wondering where his mother is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that. Another filler chapter I hope you enjoy. Please review, edit my craptastic spelling, I love comments!! Comments give me fuel to write more!! You guys are always so fantastic!


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Wow. This fic is longer than I expected. It's so easy to lose steam after my first chapters are out… updates may slow down. This is a short chapter, just a little filler because I've been doing a bunch of angst lately but I'm not so good at writing fluff, especially andriel fluff. 

 

Neil goes back to class three days later, when he can leave the dorm without vomiting. Andrew had bandaged him diligently every day, abe every day something broke-- at least, usually it was only one thing. He came back from his sparring with Renee battered but feeling marginally better. Neil had stopped bolting to the bathroom after nightmares, and stopped puking altogether after his cold subsided. 

Andrew should have expected Neil to get sick soon-- he had read that your immune system was low after a shock or trauma, and Neil's body was still trying to heal itself of the abuse. He was obviously feeling better when Andrew walked him to class that morning. In fact, Neil was dressing to go on a morning jog. Andrew scowled fiercely but slipped on his own shoes and coat. Alongside ‘keep Neil safe’ on Andrew's priorities list was ‘help Neil feel safe’. Andrew remembered how unprotected he had felt during his childhood. So they jogged in the dark around the well-lit Perimeter Road. 

He could tell the exercise and night air did Neil good. Though Andrew suspected the movement pulled Neil's stitches, Neil's lips were turned up in a smile as they jogged an easy pace. Andrew hadn't been letting Neil out in the week before, for obvious reasons. He had even given him a lecture about calling if he needs picked up from class for any reason. He reminds Neil that Aaron and Nicky would be glad to help. 

Andrew takes the shower first and then helps Neil unbandage. Kevin is probably at the gym, hiding from Neil like he has been all week. Andrew breaks a plate because he's also so angry after seeing the bite marks, and ‘Raven whore’. Angry enough he can't breath, and appliances are easy to replace. So are dishes. Andrew has it picked up before Neil comes back out, dressed in grey sweatpants, probably some long shirt, and that blue jacket. 

It's Saturday, so they shouldn't be surprised when Nicky shows up at the door. Neil gets it while Andrew showers. Nicky dumps a box of doughnuts on the counter and helps himself to a mug of coffee. Neil takes a long drink of his own because it's too early to listen to Nicky ramble. So Neil is it really listening when he hears Nicky say, “pretty boy.” 

Neil's hands clench in a full body flinch. The handle of his mug breaks in his grip and the mug shatters to the ground, spilling black coffee everywhere. Neil doesn't hear Nicky gasp, he hears Riko in his ear telling him how pretty he is. 

“Oh fuck! Sorry, Neil, I'm sorry. What did I do? Are you okay? Neil.” 

Andrew comes running out, soaked from the shower with soap in his hair and haphazardly dressed with a knife in hand. He looks at Neil and Nicky, at the shattered coffee mug. Back to Neil. He raises his eyebrows in silent question. 

Neil shakes his head. “I'm fine. Just don't-- don't say that again. Don't call me… pretty.” 

Nicky nods instantly, hard enough Neil's own neck ached in sympathy. He turns back to Andrew and nods that he's okay. Andrew scowls at them but returns to the bathroom. Nicky helps Neil mop up the coffee and sweep the debris.

“I'm really sorry, Neil. I didn't mean to.” 

“I know. It's fine. Why did you come over?”

“Oh!” Nicky grins. “Aaron and I want to go to Columbia. But only if you and Andrew go!” 

There seemed to be an unspoken rule that they only went out as a group. If Neil said yes Andrew will likely agree, but if Neil doesn't want to then none of them will go. 

Neil thinks about it. It's going to be dark, but there's also lots of lights around, and music, it wasn't like the Raven's Nest. There would be people there, but they usually got a table and between Aaron and Andrews scowling, nobody really bothered them. And it would be better to keep things as normal as possible. They always went out on weekends. He would start practice again on Monday, if Abby cleared him. Normality was good. 

“Yeah, okay. I'll ask Andrew later, I'll let you know.” 

“Really? Great! You're so great Neil! You're such a trooper.” Nicky ruffles his hair quickly, but Neil expects it so it's fine. 

“Thanks for breakfast.” 

“Toodles!” Nicky closes the front door behind him and Neil helps himself to another mug of coffee and a doughnut. He doesn't really like the sugar in the icing but he doesn't feel like cooking. 

“Neil!” Andrew yells from the bathroom. 

Neil puts his half eaten doughnut back on the counter. “Andrew? Are you okay?” 

“My clothes are fucking soaked. Bring me something dry.” 

Neil feels weird digging through Andrew's things but grabs the first things he can. Of course Andrew changes into something else befitting a club when he mentions Columbia. 

“Do you want to go?” Andrew asks.

Neil shrugs. “Yeah. I just want things back to normal as soon as possible. And I start practice again Monday, I hope.” 

Andrew studies Neil's uncertain face. “It's going to be dark and crowded. Drunk people are stupid people. Think before you answer. Yes or no?”

Neil rethinks his reasons. It feels a little like ‘sink or swim’ but he knows Andrew would be by his side the whole night. And the bouncers and staff all knew them by name, it was a fairly safe place. That's why the monsters went week after week for so long. 

“Yes.” Neil answers more firmly this time. He wants to feel normal again, not scared or hollow like this long week has been. 

Andrew lends him a long plain black shirt so his bandages don't show through. Andrew bullied Kevin out of the front seat of the car so Neil could sit up front without feeling trapped, or Nicky accidentally hurting him because he forgot Neil was actually a walking pin cushion. Kevin complains about back seats and night lights until Andrew shuts him up with a glare. 

Kevin and Aaron and Nicky sleep in the backseat during the drive and Neil wakes them when they hit the exit for Sweetie’s. They get a booth at the back, which Neil appreciates. Neil looks at the menu, but everything sounds even less appealing than usual. Andrew orders him a sandwich he only eats half of because of the blonde glaring warnings at him. In the end Neil nudges the plate to Andrew who rolls his eyes but finishes it for him. 

They drive to Eden's Twilight and let the passengers out at the door. Neil stays with Andrew to park. Andrew can see Neil's anxiety clearly, even in the dark. He pulls at his hair and his sleeves, as if stretching it to cover more of him. His hands are probably shaking. He walks closer to Andrew than usual

“I thought you were okay with this.” 

“No I'm fine.” Neil insists. 

“Contradictory sentence.” 

“It's fine. We always come here, it'll be fine.” 

Andrew shrugs and leads the way. The music hits Neil like a wall, pulsing through his skin. Aaron and Kevin have already found them a table-- had likely scared people away to get it, as it was in a corner. Neil stands next to Kevin with Andrew on his other side, close but not touching. Andrew has been careful not to touch Neil since after Christmas break. Neil finds he sort of misses Andrews hand, warm on the back of his neck. 

He didn't leave his spot between Kevin and Andrew all night. The blonde fetched drinks while Kevin got steadily more drunk. Andrew's glaring kept everyone from bothering them, from getting too close as they weaved their way to find Aaron and Nicky in the crowd. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but Neil wasn't overly fond of the club to begin with. But there had been no panic attacks, no violent incidents. It was nice to be getting back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS... anybody know any home remedies for aching scars?


	9. Chapter 9

Andrew wakes up first to Neil sleeping quietly on the other edge of the bed. He faces Andrew, his face is smushed into the pillow and arms tucked to his chest. It's probably the quietest sleep Neil had gotten since Christmas break. His face is smooth of may worry lines or anxiety and his hair looks messy and soft. 

Neil wakes up when Andrew stands.   
His eyes fly open with panic and he nearly falls off the bed in his hurry to get away. He almost runs before he recognizes the face in front of him-- Andrew's, not Riko's, not Jean's. 

“Andrew,” Neil says softly, like he's reassuring himself. 

Andrew looks messy from sleep; it makes him look deceptively soft, despite the armbands still on his wrists. Neil lets out a long breath of relief and stretches, giving Andrew a peak of toned abs and some scarring. He reminds Andrew of a cat as he stretches and sighs before following him out of the room. 

Kevin is still passed out on the couch and probably would be for a while yet. It wasn't even noon yet, and they had all of today and tonight to kill. Neil had been surprisingly calm about the night before, at Eden's. Of course, the twins’ scowling had helped to keep everyone away from their little group. Even Rolland had noticed the tense set to Andrew's shoulders, how he ordered more drinks for Kevin and less for himself. He hadn't wanted Neil to feel unsafe, as if Andrew drinking couldn't protect him. 

After a mug of coffee Neil dressed for a jog, and Andrew grudgingly followed after him. Neil went easy on him, not running as far as he wanted to and sparing the conversation. Still, they only stopped because Andrew made him. 

“You're going to pop a damn stitch and Abby's going to have to stitch you back together again. Is that what you want? Benched another week?” Andrew gasps between breaths. 

“You just don't want to keep running.” Neil teases him, lips quirked and blue eyes lively. Andrew had to admit, he did like the blue much better than the brown contacts. 

“I'll make you carry me back,” Andrew scowls. Surprisingly, Neil huffs a little laugh, grinning at him. The normality of Columbia and running and even the prospect of returning to practice Monday had Neil in the best mood Andrew has seen since before Christmas. Andrew certainly won't complain if aching legs is the price he pays. Apparently he needs the cardio anyway. 

When they get back Aaron and Nicky are scowling at the bare kitchen cabinets and fridge and Kevin is nursing his coffee and hangover. 

“Too late for brunch?” Nicky wonders, eyeing the group. 

“Shower first, then food.” Andrew argues, making his way to the downstairs bathroom. 

He showers quickly, and lets Neil in after him. His stitches still haven't healed, so it takes a while to unwrap and then rebandage Neil. It's the first time Andrew sees the slowly healing words and doesn't break anything. Upon quick inspection they appear to be healing well. 

“Will it scar? Whatever you keep staring so hard at, do you think it will scar?”

“They carved tags into you, but I don't think they'll scar. The name won't, it's almost healed. We'll have to wait and see about the others.” Andrew tells him in a flat tone. 

“What do they say?” Neil's voice shakes. It's the first time he's asked. Apparently Neil hadn't been told what Riko had cut into him. Andrew thinks he's been afraid to ask. Andrew doesn't want to tell him. 

“It doesn't matter. Whatever they called you, it's not true. None of it matters.” 

Neil sighs. “That bad, huh? Good to know.” 

“Just shower so we can eat.” 

Neil gets front seat again-- he wonders if it's a permanent arrangement now. Andrew drives them to buy a late breakfast. Or lunch? It was well after noon now, though Sweetie’s served breakfast all day. 

After they return to the house Nicky retreats to his room to call Erik, while the twins set up the video game console. Neil works on some of the school work he missed while he sick and Kevin reads a history book. For dinner they get some pizza delivered and Nicky and Aaron flick toppings across the table at each other. After dinner Nicky pulls a bottle of vodka from somewhere and sets up a row of glasses. 

“Truth or dare?” Nicky suggests, dividing the entire bottle into five glasses. 

“Juvenile.” Andrew drolls. He puts his music on the speakers because otherwise Nicky will, and that is unacceptable. 

Andrew takes the glass and claims the couch-- all of it. He stretches against the armrest with his feet straight out, hogging all of the seats. Aaron grabs his drink and follows after Andrew. Uncaring of his twin, Aaron flops into a beanbag, with Nicky right behind him. Nicky follows after and takes the other beanbag. Kevin scowls but sits on the floor. Neil considers his own glass, the only one left. He sees Andrew watching from his spot, and Neil decides to drink. He takes a swallow and joins the others. 

“Um.” Neil stares at the couch, and then the floor. Andrew, in an uncharacteristic show of kindness, bends his legs to make room so Neil can sit. And then promptly drops his feet into his friend's lap. He gives the blonde a look but doesn't say anything. Andrew takes a long swallow of the burning liquor, Neil tracking the bob of his throat. 

“How about never have I ever?” Nicky offers. 

Andrew eyes Neil again and quirks a brow. Neil takes it as a question-- or a dare, he isn't sure which. Either way, he shrugs. It's been a soft weekend, free of nightmares and practice and people staring at him. They're safe in Columbia, locked away with the ‘monsters’ and Andrew, and even a bottle of booze. It's been a good weekend, and Neil doesn't think anything could ruin it now, especially not one of Nicky's dumb drinking games. 

“Sure.” Andrew voices consent as if for everyone, but the other boys all of along anyway. Neil supposes it's more like an allowance for nonsense. Andrew doesn't need a reason to drink. 

“Yes! Yay!!” Nicky trills. “Okay! Okay, never have I ever worn jorts.” 

Aaron cackles and Andrew nudges Neil, and he drinks. He's the only one. 

Andrew nudges Neil with his heel. “Your turn.” 

“Oh. Okay, never have I ever,” he follows after Nicky's lead, but he isn't sure what to say. “Never have I ever been arrested.” 

Andrew drinks, and “never have I ever gone to a pride parade.” 

Aaron and Nicky both drink. “I drug Aaron to one once, our parents thought we were at some sports thing. We spent the weekend getting drunk and sleeping in the back of the car.” Nicky grins at the memory. 

Aaron goes next. His looks is calculating, between Neil and Andrew. “Never have I ever kissed a boy.” 

Andrew and Neil and Nicky all take a drink-- and wasn't that curious. Andrew knew Neil didn't swing. Andrew takes the turn asking. 

“Never have I ever kissed a girl.” 

Aaron rolls his eyes and drinks, Nicky drinks with an oddly bitter look in his eyes, and Neil drinks. Kevin drinks every time a question is asked, whether it's true or not. He isn't really playing, everyone knows he's just drinking. An alcoholic in the making. 

“Neil, take a turn.” Andrew says. 

“Never have I ever rode a bike,” Neil says, figuring it was an easy way to make the other guys drink. Instead, Aaron stares at him and Nicky gasps loudly. Kevin and Andrew seem unfazed. 

“What?” Nicky yells indignantly. “How is that even possible?” 

“When I was a kid my parents didn't pay attention to me unless I was bad. They didn't have time for stuff like that,” Neil shrugs. No, his father had been busy with an empire and his mother had been mostly absent, busy with her own work. Neil had only begun to spend any amount of time with her after they had ran. And after, well, they still hadn't had time to put into something like that. Neil preferred running anyways. 

“You poor baby! You are so deprived!” Nicky says. Neil shrugs again and everyone takes a long drink when they've finished staring at him. 

“Never have I ever crammed for a test,” Andrew smirks. Everyone drinks again. 

“Never have I ever kissed Neil,” Aaron says before anyone else can steal a turn. He's waiting to see if Andrew drinks, but to almost everyone's surprise it's Nicky who drinks. Neil shakes his head. The fool should have lied. 

“Something you want to tell me Neil?” Andrew wonders in that seemingly bored tone of his. Neil knows better. 

“It was a long time ago, it's fine.” 

“When?” 

“The first night at Eden's Twilight.” Neil admits. He puts his glass down, he's done drinking. 

“Nicky. Care to share?” 

Kevin gets up to find another bottle of alcohol and Aaron eyes them all carefully, waiting to have to pull his twin off of someone. 

“I just gave him crackers. You said to!” Nicky holds his hands up. 

“I meant slip some in his drink or something, not force your tongue down his throat.” Andrew moves to stand but Neil latches onto a fist full of the blondes pants leg. He catches Andrew's eye. 

“It's fi- it's okay, Andrew. It was a long time ago and he's learned his lesson. I've forgiven him.” 

Andrew scowls but doesn't hit Nicky. At least, not while Neil is around. He does down the rest of the liquid in his glass, and then from Neil's abandoned glass as well. He stands and leaves for the bedroom, putting an end to their game. Kevin had already searched the house for more booze and failed, now content to sleep on the couch. Nicky and Aaron also take this as their cue to retreat. Neil takes Andrew's door slamming as a clear rejection, so he sleeps in the living room. Kevin takes the couch so Neil curls in the chair.


	10. Chapter 10

Guys, I tweaked things. You'll probably notice. Roll with it? 

 

Monday starts again with routine. Andrew takes the monsters to the stadium. The Foxes set out with their morning warm ups and Neil finds Abby in Coach’s office with her medical kit. Neil strips for her and she examines the few stubborn bruises left still healing-- mostly on his knees from landing hard so many times. Some of the stitches are ready to come out, the older ones that Jean had stitched together. 

Abby clears him, though grudgingly and under conditions, and when Neil walks out to tell his team the news he's welcomed with a great cheer. He realizes it's good, being back with the Foxes. He's missed being with them here on the court, even for only a few weeks. They're so much softer than the Ravens; even Andrew, who is so careful not to touch Neil, so adamant on making sure Neil feels safe. 

At the end of the day they wind up on the roof. Andrew sits at the very edge and lights two cigarettes, handing one to Neil. Neil doesn't hesitate to ask a question he's been wondering for days now. Last week at practice, Andrew had aimed every ball thrown at him towards the Fox’s legs, resulting in lots of bruising and Wymack begging Neil's assistance in the matter--’ had called Andrew Neil's ‘pet monster’.   
Neil had asked Andrew to maybe *not* maim their teammates, and amazingly the blonde had complained to Neil about Coach acting outside his pay grade. Wymack had asked Neil about him and Andrew ‘becoming a problem’? 

“I want to play another round,” Neil starts. “What's outside coach’s pay grade?” 

Andrew turns and takes a while to consider Neil. He finishes his cigarette and studies Neil's face before he speaks. “When Coach signed up he promised to stay out of our personal problems. He said the board paid him to be our coach, nothing more, nothing less.” 

Neil frowns. “I didn't think I was a personal problem. You hate me, remember?” 

“Every inch of you. That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you.” 

A revelation hits Neil, hard. He wonders briefly if he's going to sway and fall of the roof because he's staring so hard at Andrew. “You like me.” 

“I hate you.” Andrew corrects him. He hates Neil because Neil makes him feel things, makes him weak. 

Neil has to remind himself they were four stories up. He breaths, reminds himself that it is Andrew there beside him. Andrew is fine, is more than fine. It's okay to have him this close. This won't hurt him. “You never said anything.” 

“Why should I have? Nothing will come of it.” Andrew sounds so certain, and Neil is suddenly a little disappointed. 

“Nothing?” 

“I am self destructive, not stupid. I know better.” 

“Okay.” Neil doesn't know what to say. There was nothing he could say to that. He wouldn't pressure Andrew where he clearly drew a line. Neil will be dead soon anyway, and he was damaged goods now. He wouldn't hurt Andrew with this, not like that. 

“It's your turn,” Neil offers. 

“I don't have to take it now.” 

With that, Andrew stands and leaves Neil alone on the roof. He stays there for a while, staring up at the stars and down at the lights and night life of campus. He must have stayed longer than he thought because Kevin texts him. The phone makes him jump, nearly off the ledge. Neil comes downstairs but Andrew obviously doesn't want to talk. 

 

Neil dreams about Jean again. Neil is handcuffed to a bed like always, already naked and bleeding from Riko. The Japanese boy has already used him, Neil is aching so badly. 

“He looks lonely, Jean. Go give Nathaniel a kiss.” Riko orders. He wipes his dick clean on Neil's sheets and goes to sit on his own bed. He watches closely as Jean steps forward. Neil is too tired, in too much pain to fight Jean. Any other Raven and Neil would fight but he understands that Jean doesn't have a choice here any more than Neil himself does. 

Jean's ‘kiss’ is barely a brush of lips. He always touches Neil like it burns-- as briefly as possible, as carefully as Riki will let him. 

“Put your hand on his throat. Choke him.” 

Neil is careful not to look at Riko or Jean, even as a hand wraps around his throats and chokes him. Instead, Neil stares at the black walls, the black ceiling. He tunes Riko out, doesn't fight Jean-- even as Riko orders Neil onto his stomach. Jean shoves his face into the pillow until Neil is choking on it, until he can't breath. He doesn't struggle until Jean just-- doesn't let him up. It feels like he's going to suffocate, like Riko might actually kill him. 

It hurts when Jean fucks him. Not because the Frenchman is rough with him, no-- Jean always tries to be as careful as he can be with Riko ordering the moves. It hurts because Neil is flayed open from Riki's knife, and already freshly fucked. He's overly sensitive and his cuts keep splitting open again every time he moves with the force of Jean's thrusts. 

Neil must have made a noise because Jean leans over his ear to whisper in French. He tells Neil to be quiet, to quit being so difficult. He reminds him that it's not only Neil's punishment, Jean hardly wants to be doing this. He can't even get hard, and Jean hopes for both their sakes that Riko doesn't make them keep going until Jean cums. But it hurts, it *hurts*. Neil wants to go home. 

 

He wakes quietly this time, eyes snapping open and searching out the light on instinct. Neil stares at the night light and tries to remember how to breath. It takes several long minutes before he can breath again. Neil listens to his roommates steady breathing, he thinks Andrew and Kevin are both sleeping. Neil slowly brings his knees to his chest and scoots until his back is in the corner and he can face the room. 

Neil thinks he should probably try to sleep but he just doesn't want to. Not when Jean's voice is still whispering in his ear. With Jean still stuck at the Nest with the Ravens. Neil feels strangely unmotivated to move, afraid to wake Andrew and just… unwilling to put forth the effort. Neil sits curled in the corner for hours, long past the time his toes fall asleep. 

Riko and Jean still torture Neil's mind. Every horrible second of Christmas plays and replays in Neil's head and he can't stop it. He stares at the night light because every time he blinks he sees Riko, can so vividly remember being on his knees before the King with cum dripping down his face and Neil can still smell it. He tries thinking of anything but his brain feels like it's shutting down. If he could move he might puke, but he just trembles quietly on the bed while Kevin and Andrew sleep. 

Kevin's alarm should have kickstarted Neil into action for the day. Even Andrew gets out of bed and grumbles his way to the bathroom. Kevin gets up to make coffee and breakfast and Neil just… operates. He stands because he knows he should, but he swears his whole body feels numb as he walks to lock the door and dress. Neil really doesn't want to take his shirt off, even behind a locked door, so he just slips a clean shirt over his sleep shirt. He doesn't mind the layers anyway. Neil only changes pants because he swears he can feel blood in his boxers… but they come away unstained. 

He's dressed for the morning, functioning-- if barely-- but he still sees Riko when he blinks. He's too nauseous to eat so he drinks his plain coffee. Andrew drives them to practice and Neil goes through the motions like he has everything to lose, because he still sees Riko when he closes his eyes, still hears Jean even as he sprints laps around the other Foxes. 

The strange mood follows Neil to class, and then carries into lunch. The Foxes have noticed Neil's strange mood but seem reluctant to say anything. After all, Neil is always quiet, always plays Exy like he needs it to live. But the changes are subtle. He doesn't even let Andrew at his back today, and he seems content to ignore even Nicky's attempts at conversation. 

Andrew throws a paper ball at Neil's head. Neil snaps his gaze up to stare at Andrew. 

“Stop it.” Andrew demands, kicking Neil under the table. Neil scoots away-- his mother used to do the same thing, but had taught him to never raise a fuss and attract attention. So he just scoots away and goes back to staring blankly at the blonde. 

Andrew throws another paper ball at him. It hits Neil in the forehead. Neil lets a long suffering sigh. Today, even breathing seems like too much effort. 

“You know, I'm not really hungry.” Neil stands to leave. “I'll see you guys at practice.” 

Andrew follows Neil out, escorts him back to the form. If Neil notices the extra space granted to him, he doesn't mention it. Andrew watches Neil from the corner of his eye but Neil doesn't notice. He's been stuck in his head, distant all day. Andrew has noticed, of course, but the best he can do is make sure the idiot doesn't walk into a pole or something. Instead of going to class, Andrew steers Neil toward the amphitheater. Neil follows Andrew to the rooftop. Neil sees that the lock has already been ruined, just like the one on top of Fox Tower. 

Neil sits on the ledge. He wonders what would happen if he happened to tip over the edge. 

“Thinking about jumping?” Andrew asks. Neil shakes his head slowly, still looking down at the campus. 

“Come here often?” Neil wonders. 

“Sometimes.” Andrew takes a careful seat next to Neil, careful not to touch. Always so careful to touch, when Neil knows Andrew's is the only touch he can stand. 

“You can touch me, you know.” Neil mumbles. He receives a curious look in return. 

“Before break, whenever I was anxious or-- I don't know, not right. You used to grab my neck, and it- it would help. But you don't now. Which is fine if you don't want to touch me anymore, I understand, but just-- you can if you want to.” Neil stutters. 

Andrew stares at Neil for a long moment. 

“You flinch away from everyone else. It's only been a few weeks since Evermore. Why would you say you were okay with me touching you?” Andrew asks ins level voice-- controlled, but not bored, Neil notes. Andrew stares at him with an intensity, waiting for Neil to-- what, fall apart? 

Neil shrugs, turning from the people below to meet Andrew's gaze. 

“You won't hurt me. Not like *that*, anyway.” 

Andrew nods in agreement. “Never saw the appeal of rape.” 

Neil flinches at the word, no matter how many times he hears it. 

“My test should be back soon, Abby says.” 

Andrew nods. That's good, though he doubts Riko passed along anything. He lights two cigarettes and passes one to Neil. When Neil speaks again, it's a whisper Andrew wouldn't be able to hear if he wasn't so close. 

“I don't feel real today. It's all… I feel numb.” 

Andrew knows that feeling. Most days, it's all Andrew feels-- numb or furious, with little in between. At least, until Neil brought him these other disgusting feelings he hasn't let himself have in so, so long. Slowly, so Neil can stop it if he wants, Andrew brings his hand the the back of Neil's neck and squeezes. 

“You are Neil Abram Josten. I'm not letting you go anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! I seriously love them so much!! They make my day :) anyway you guys are the best! <3 let me know what you think?


	11. Chapter 11

Neil has been wearing a bandage over the tattoo and so far it's been fine. The Foxes have been careful not to pressure Neil after that first time. Unfortunately, Andrew wasn't around at the moment. Class ended early and Neil made the mistake of walking past the girls’ open door. Dan spotted him and Allison snagged him from the hallway, dragging him in with her claws digging into his arm. 

“Josten! You've been avoiding us.” Allison accuses him. 

Neil shakes his head. He hasn't been avoiding them, he's just been busy with class, and Andrew hardly lets Neil go alone anywhere. 

“Hi.”

“And what's with the bandage?” Alison is quick to rip the thing off before she even finished her sentence. The inked number four stands dark against his skin. 

“Alison!” Neil yelps. 

“Are you kidding me?” Allison shrieks. 

Dan looks sucker punched. “Neil? Is this for real?” 

“He told me to transfer to the Ravens.” Neil shakes under their scrutiny. It's only a moment later that Renee comes out of their bedroom. Probably to investigate the yelling. “He said I could finish the year with the Foxes but that I would move the Edgar Allen in the fall. I couldn't stop them.” 

“So what, you're a Raven now? Is Kevin going back, too?” Alison scowls but Dan pulls her back. 

Neil shakes his head. “No, I'm still a Fox no matter what. I wouldn't sign the contract.” 

It had cost Neil a pound of flesh, but he hadn't signed with the Ravens. He's still missing a few days, some flashes of memory are just gone, especially towards the end. 

Dan scowls at Neil now, face pinched with frustration. She grabs his elbow in her strong grip. “You never had any plans to go home for Christmas, did you? That whole mess about your uncle flying to Arizona-- you made that up so we wouldn't ask too many questions or wonder about why you weren't going to New York with Kevin.” 

Neil can't speak, so he nods. 

“I get why you don't trust us completely. I don't like it but I think we've been pretty good at working around that all year. We haven't pushed you to give us more than you're comfortable with and we haven't asked why you're like this. So don't do this to us, don't lie to our faces. We're your friends, we deserve better than that.” 

Neil tries to pull out of her grip. “If we always got what we deserved, we wouldn't be Foxes.” He can't tell them everything. Only Andrew knows, and Kevin has an idea-- but he doesn't *know*, not like Andrew does. 

Finally she lets him go. The girls let him leave in peace and Neil stumbles back to his own suite. He stops in the bathroom to put a new bandage over his cheek to hide the tattoo and his reflection catches his eye. He's been avoiding the mirror for weeks, because he doesn't see his own face. 

Neil catches the cold blue eyes in the mirror, the thick auburn hair, the high cheekbones and cruel twist of full lips. Nathan stares back at Neil, all hate and malice. He's back in Oregon, with Nathan and Mary. He can hear the crack of bones and the dull ringing the pipe makes when it breaks his mother's ribs. 

He can hear her screaming to ‘run, Alex, run!’ 

‘Neil!’

“*Neil!*” A hand rests in the back of Neil's neck, squeezing hard enough to bruise. 

“Calm the fuck down. You are Neil Josten, a Palmetto State Fox. Nobody is hurting you. Calm down.” 

Neil is afraid to look away from the man in the mirror but Andrews fingers are gentle on his chin, turning Neil's head to look at the blonde.” 

“Breathe.” Andrew orders. 

Neil tries but it feels like his lungs aren't working right. It feels like he isn't breathing at all, like he can't get enough air. He can't make himself breathe and every stuttered breath makes his chest ache. His head starts to spin, Andrew starts to blur in Neil's vision. Andrew watches Neil hyperventilate, like the idiot can't remember how to breathe. He takes Neil's wrist and places it against Andrew's chest, taking his own steady breaths. 

“Listen to me!” Andrew snaps, keeping Neil's hand pressed over his heart with his own hand. “Breathe with me. Pay attention to every breath I take. Breathe in-- out-- in..” 

Andrew coaches Neil until the idiot is shaking but breathing. Neil's hand is fisted in Andrew shirt, keeping him close. Somehow they wound up kneeling on the bathroom floor glass shattered around them. Neil realizes Andrew is holding his other hand by the wrist. It itches. Neil looks away from Andrew to the source, to find his hand bleeding. 

“Kevin is going to be angry.” Someone says. Neil doesn't recognize his own voice, but Andrew didn't speak. 

“Let me worry about Kevin. Stand up, I'm getting glass in my knees.” 

Neil stands, but his not-bleeding hand is still clenched into Andrew's shirt like a lifeline. Slowly, he forces his fingers to relax. Andrew doesn't let go of his other wrist, though, and Neil lets himself be dragged to the kitchen. Andrew leaves Neil's hand over the sink and runs cold water over it. 

“Stay. Don't do anything else fucking stupid.” Andrew tells him, and leaves. 

Everything has gone numb again, like he's detached from himself. His head doesn't hurt, his chest, his bleeding hand. He flexes it to make sure it's still working. It does, it barely stings. 

Andrew returns with one of Neil's towels and the first side kit. The blonde is surprisingly gentle as he towels the water away and plays doctor. Neil ponders the chances of Andrew switching his major to become a doctor, like Aaron. Neil thinks briefly that he has the wrong twin in front of him but another quick glances confirms it's Andrew. Especially when after he finishes, he leaves the mess for someone else to clean and leads their way to the roof. He lights two cigarettes. 

“There are better ways of pissing off Kevin than ruining your hand. I'm supposed to be the destructive one.” 

Neil shrugs. “Are you taking a turn?” A turn in their truth-for-truth game. 

“Yes. Why did you punch the mirror?” 

Neil smells the smoke and thinks a while before he answers. Andrew lets him take his time. “I look just like my father.” 

“Have you talked to Aaron about what happened at Nicky's parent’s house?” Neil asks. 

“We don't talk about that. Pick another question.” 

“Is that a no?” Neil wonders. He pushes a little. He still feels numb, not even the smell of smoke can make his fingers feel the cigarette. He wonders if he would feel it if he burnt himself. If he fell the four stories down the tower. He feels so numb, he wonders. 

“Shall I ask Betsy about your new violent tendencies?” Andrew throws back in response. 

“You're one to talk.” 

“Hmm, maybe. Should I push you off the edge and see if martyrs bounce?” 

“Hmm, maybe.” Neil means to mock Andrew, but it comes out hollow and serious. 

Andrew takes a last long drag from his smoke before he nabs Neil's also, and snubs them both out. He takes Neil's wrist and stands, pulling Neil up with him. 

“Come on, let's go back inside. I'm going to let Kevin yell at you for injuring your hand.” 

Andrew drags Neil away from the ledge, back downstairs. Kevin isn't back yet so they change into clothes that aren't covered in blood. Neil moves sparingly, changing into the first clean clothes he sees as if on autopilot. He comes out with some books and sits next to Andrew on the couch with something that could be homework, except that Neil has been staring at the same page for at least fifteen minutes. 

Neil is dissociative all evening, nearly to the point where Andrew thinks about calling Bee. But then he thinks about Neil's trust and decides against it. Eventually Kevin comes in from practice, already angry at the pair for being absent. Then he sees Neil's bandages hand and sets off on a Day Exy Ultimatum. Neil sits on the couch, staring at Kevin but clearly not listening to anything. 

Andrew takes the distraction to hide his medication and all of the sharp object he can find. He locks everything in his safe box, away from Neil. Not that he's worried, but Neil is on a metaphorical ledge today and Andrew doesn't want to clean up after a dead person. Dead people are messy. When he has finished he lets Kevin yell a little more before he calls him off. They order in delivery for dinner and spend the night in, with Kevin pouring and Neil disturbingly distant. 

Andrew keeps Neil close for the rest of the day. If Kevin notices, he doesn't mention it and Neil doesn't seem to mind.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sort of forgot to add plot instead of pointless angst. I will be updating the tags to add a depression/ suicidal thoughts warning. You guys have basically suffered through, like, ten chapters of solid angst. You are so amazing!!! Thanks for sticking with me, so here is another chapter. Please comment!

Morning practice breaks the scabs in Neil's hands open again. Andrew wraps them again after they get back to the dorms. Neil's dissociation seems to have carried on into today, also. Thankfully Neil doesn't have many classes on Fridays, because Andrew doesn't dare leave Neil alone for long. Not today. 

“Andrew what are you doing?” Neil wonders as Andrew follows him into the classroom to take a seat next to him. 

“My classes bore me. Thought I would try yours, for a change.” Andrew says it like it's obvious. 

Neil accepts it and shuts up. One class blurs into the next and Neil doesn't bother taking notes. His head is still foggy, and his concentration is shot. The lectures go on one ear and out the other without retaining any information. Andrew notices but doesn't mention it, is relieved that Neil got out of bed this morning. Andrew remembers days, when he was younger, when he played sick so he wouldn't have to go to classes. He remembers entire days hiding in the nurse’s office or on the roof because he couldn't force himself to function but wouldn't stay home. 

Andrew is his guard dog. He sticks to Neil's side through crowded hallways and classes. Some of the professors dare to try and get Andrew to leave but he levels them with a blank stare until they give up. If someone looks too much like any of the Ravens, Neil unconsciously flinches away and Andrew glares at them until they're gone. Lunch is an annoying affair-- Neil refuses to choose what they order, on the rare occasion that Andrew lets Neil pick. 

Neil's classes finish early and they spend the afternoon studying and reading. Neil tries to put on an Exy game but Andrew steals the remote when he realizes Neil isn't even paying attention. Kevin is calling out bad shots and clumsy footwork, and usually Neil would join him. Today he stares blankly at the screen like his mind is miles away. It probably is, but Andrew doesn't dare ask where he's gone. 

Andrew steals the remote and puts on a Transporter movie. Predictably, Neil gets bored before too long and makes his way to the kitchen. Nicky comes over to order pizza with them and finds Neil still in the kitchen, staring at the stream of water in the sink like it's something to be mistrusted. 

“Neil?” Nicky touches Neil's shoulder with concern. 

Neil drops the glass he throws an elbow back into the ribs of his attacker and swings a fist before he recognizes the face he punches. The glass shatters the same time Nicky groans in pain. Neil is across the kitchen before he recognizes Nicky as *Nicky* and not someone who would hurt him. Andrew is there in a second, of course. 

Neil's face is white and Nicky is bent over double, trying not to heave. There is broken glass all over the kitchen floor and blood from Nicky's split lip. 

“Oh no.” Neil gasps, still staring. “Nicky, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I didn't see you, I'm so sorry, Nicky. Shit, are you okay?” 

Nicky winces but stands, one hand cupping his bleeding face and the other wrapped around his stomach. “It's okay, Neil! I'm fine. I shouldn't have snuck up on you, I'm sorry.” 

But Nicky doesn't look fine. Neil's guilt doubles. “I'm really sorry. I didn't see you, I thought-- I don't know. I just knew someone grabbed me and I didn't see you. I'm so sorry.” 

Andrew grabs a broom and starts sweeping the mess while the idiots apologize over each other. Nicky goes to clean his face and Neil hovers by Andrew. 

“I can do that.” Neil offers to clean the glass from the floor. 

“I'm not trusting you around anything sharp right now.” Andrew remembers how he, himself, was when he had gotten desperate. He had sliced open his veins and he doesn't want to give Neil the chance. 

“I'm not suicidal,” Neil scowls briefly. This apologetic bullshit is the most emotion Neil has shown in days. 

 

As bad as the day was, Saturday is even worse. Andrew wakes up to Neil talking in his sleep and wishes he knew Japanese and French. He resolves to pick up some books on the subjects and debates waking Neil. It's only three in the morning and Neil needs his sleep, but so does Andrew. He wonders if he should stop the dream now before it gets worse. Maybe then the idiot will have a chance to calm down and sleep a few more hours before practice. 

In the end, Neil wakes on his own before Andrew can make a decision. He can hear the little gasp Neil makes when he wakes in fear and the rustle of sheets when Neil kicks out at invisible threats. 

Neil thought he had forgotten how to cry over the years-- the last time he remembers crying is when he dug his mother's grave on the beach. He had dug with his hands as deep as he could, until they were raw and bleeding from the coarse grains of sand. But tonight Neil dreams about-- remembers-- being cornered by the Ravens and held down and… he remembered seeing Jean barely conscious on the floor next to him. In his dreams, the face had shifted to a familiar blonde. To Andrew being held down and ‘punished’. 

Neil wakes up with a scream caught in his throat, kicking out hard enough to pull at the wounds still healing on his thighs. It takes a long moment to recognize the room around him, glowing softly from the night light. Kevin snores and Andrew is, hopefully, still sleeping in his bunk. It's been so long since Neil cried-- not from pain, at least-- that he doesn't recognize the swelling in his throat, how every breath hurts. It feels like panic, like claustrophobia. Neil knows he can't stay *here*, in the room, so he leaves as quickly as he can manage. 

He runs to the bathroom first, but as soon as he walks in his panic redoubles. It feels too close to the locker room in Evermore, too close to Jean dumping Neil in the showers after Riko had finished with them. His feet lead him to the roof. It's not the same without the smell of cigarettes, but Neil can almost smell it anyway. 

Neil walks to ledge, close enough his bare toes peak over the edge. It's freezing and the snow hasn't melted, but Neil forgot his coat and shoes in his haste. He doesn't feel the cold anyway, just the aching in his throats and chest. His scars throb in time with his racing heart. He feels… *ruined* could be the word. Changed is a milder choice of word, Neil feels hunted and edgy and strangely violent because of it. Hitting Nicky had felt awful, but hitting *something* had been good. But his skin constantly crawls with the memory off too many hands touching him and taking. He feels used because of it, like their prints are stained on his flesh like the tattoo on his face. 

Everything hurts too much, from his freezing toes to his vicious racing thoughts and Neil just wants everything to be quiet for a moment. Palmetto is covered in soft white snow, it looks achingly peaceful. The quiet calm to the chaos in Neil's head. He wonders what falling would feel like. Not that Neil wants to kill his self-- his mother taught him better, had sacrificed too much for Neil to be suicidal. But maybe if he tempts fate long enough, standing on the edge of a four story fall, a surprise breeze will topple him over. 

Neil doesn't know how long he stands outside for, balanced on that ledge. Long enough for Andrew to worry about his absence. The blonde checks the bathroom first. In the past weeks Neil has been consistently hiding in the bath tub during his panic attacks. When Neil isn't there, Andrew searches the rest of their suite. Neil's shoes and coat are still by the door, so he couldn't have gone far. Andrew scoops the coat and shoes and goes to the roof. 

The door to the roof always clangs a little as it opens and shuts, but Neil doesn't seem to notice. He stands at the very ledge, and Andrew thinks this is it, the idiot is going to jump. Andrew drops the coat and shoes and runs to Neil. He grabs the fools shirt and drags him back from the edge. He lands in a pile of snow and stares up at Andrew with wide, surprised eyes. 

“What?” Neil wonders, numb. 

Andrew scowls and throws the coat and shoes at the idiot. “Killing yourself breaks our promise! It lets those sick fucks win. Is that what you want? Because if you're hellbent on killing yourself I'll save us all the trouble and kill you myself.” 

“I wasn't trying to kill myself.” 

“I don't believe you.” Andrew glares down at him still. 

Neil shakes his head. “I was just standing there.” 

Andrew stares in disbelief. Did Neil honestly not know he had been swaying dangerously over the edge? “It's not high enough to kill you, anyway. At best you would break some bones and never play Exy again.” 

That's true, Neil has already calculated the risk. How had he forgotten? Neil wants to laugh but it doesn't come out right. He chokes on sobs that tear at his throat, that sound as rough and broken as he feels. He holds his hand over his mouth out of some instinct that tells him not to attract attention-- even though it's only the pair of them alone on the roof. 

Andrew doesn't know what to do with crying people. Usually he just turns and leaves them, but he doesn't want to leave Neil alone. The fool almost jumped off of Fox tower, he obviously couldn't be trusted alone. He does what he can-- he stuffs Neil's frozen feet into shoes and forces the coat on him. He takes a cold seat in the snow and grips the back of Neil's neck. The boy leans forward until his head is pressed against Andrews shoulder. Andrew keeps one hand on Neil's neck in as close to an embrace as he knows how. Neil muffled his sobs and Andrew grounds him. 

They stay like that until Neil can breathe again. Through his coat he is still shaking from a cold he feels deep in his bones. Everything feels wrong. 

“When does it stop?” Neil whispers. 

“When does what stop?” Andrew wonders what Neil is feeling. He didn't used to be the suicidal type. 

“I can still feel them. Their hands and-” Neil stops abruptly and shutters. He presses his face into Andrew's shoulder. He can feel Neil shaking. 

“It's like… I don't know how to explain it. Everything still hurts but I'm still so numb.” Neil tries to explain. His words aren't right, but they're close enough. 

“Yeah.” Andrew nods, staring at Neil with perfect understanding. “If you figure it out, let me know. It's invaluable information to people like us.”

They sit in silence for a long time before Andrew speaks. “Make another deal with me. If you promise not to jump, I promise not to let you.” 

Slowly Neil nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! Seriously, comments make my day. I live an incredibly boring life and nobody even knows I write, so your comments are basically the only validation I get :) so tell me what you think! What do you love? What do you hate? Do I need to change anything?


	13. Chapter 13

Neil pulls himself together with metaphoric tape. He steels himself against flinching from Matt and Nicky, and tries to retain a sense of normalcy-- well, normal for the monsters. On Monday Abby calls to tell Neil that his tests all came back clear, and he nearly drops from the relief of it. Andrew is visibly relieved, also, though he's much more subtle. Neil drops his head down to Andrew's shoulder and takes a few free breaths. He's fine. 

Neil has days where he doesn't want to move, but he does. Days where he doesn't want to eat, but he does. Days where he wants to run, but he doesn't. Andrew is a constant at his side, a rock to lean against and a friend to keep him protected and distracted from the demons in his mind, and the ones in real life. 

They make it as far as upstate regionals and the rain didn't stop them from boarding a delayed flight to UT. They have to wait for a while, so Neil finds Andrew by the windows, staring out at the rain and the planes speeding past. He remembers something Andrew had said before. 

“When you said you were afraid of heights, you were joking, right?” Andrews silence is enough of an answer. “Andrew! You can't be. What were you doing on the roof?” 

He watches Andrew tap a rapid pulse against Neil's neck, in time with his racing heart. “Feeling,” Andrew explains. 

Neil prods at Andrew until the blonde glares at him. “What was his name? Your father, what was his name?” 

The breath freezes in Neil's lungs. He doesn't want to answer but this is truth-for-truth. “Nathan. His name was Nathan.” 

“You don't look like a Nathan.” 

“I'm not. I'm Nathaniel.” Neil admits. 

Andrew lets Nicky drag Neil off to a coffee shop, but only because Andrew can see the shop from where he sits and Neil promises to bring him something ridiculously sweet. As the flight attendant demonstrates the oxygen masks and seat belts and safety measures Andrew plays with a pen. Neil supposes Kevin is used to Andrew fidgeting. But he had told Neil the truth, and now he wonders if Andrews fidgeting is less boredom and maybe something like a low-key anxiety. Possibly a mix of the two, and maybe some twitchy energy from too much sugar in his diet. Neil eyes the coffee with suspicion for a moment. 

They had time to kill in a layover in Atlanta and Neil found himself being taken away by Nicky again. Neil found himself tracking Andrew's whereabouts, as if out of habit. Kevin was nowhere in sight but probably close, and Andrew was looking at a figurine shop, of all things. He risks being left alone while Nicky checks out, in favor of keeping Andrew in sight. Nicky drags Neil to stock up on junk food Kevin will surely throw a fit about. For a tense moment he loses sight of Andrew, and his anxiety shoots upward-- until he sees the blonde at checkout. 

Andrew copes using the pen again, and Neil doodles little fox paws on his hand until a flight attendant notices and passes him a piece of paper. It's quickly filled with bored little sketches. Neil pokes Andrew with his pen to get his attention. 

“Can I draw on you?” 

Andrew looks at him oddly. 

“Then we'll both get ink poisoning.” 

Neil just stares at Andrew like he is still waiting for an answer. “Why don't you ask the attendant for another piece of paper? Or a whole stack.”

Neil shrugs. “I don't want to bother him. He looks busy.” He was indiscreetly flirting with his coworker. Andrew sighs and offers his hand. Neil is soft and warm as he puts Andrews hand on his knee, bent up to Neil is half-curled on the seat. The pen is sharp but gentle and a surprisingly pleasant distraction from the flight. And if Neil doesn't really stop holding Andrew hand, well, neither of them mind and nobody notices. 

They wait at baggage claim for what seems like too long, and then they board onto a twelve seat passenger van. Between Kevin and Matt’s overly large forms, Allison claiming too much room, and all of their bags and Exy gear, Neil is pressed against Andrews side, nearly sitting in his lap. But they get the doors closed, and that's what counts. They wind up eating at an Italian restaurant, much to Andrew's delight, since he seemed to hoard sugar and carbs. 

The stadium is crowded with fans and security, but Andrew stays close by Neil's side. He goes so far as to guard to locker doors while Neil changes, since most coaches won't pay for dividers in the lockers. They warm up and Dan makes everyone wave to the Vixens and the Fox fans. Wymack is in the middle of his not so heart warming speech when Neil notices the crowd of black and red. It feels like the breath had been knocked out of him, as he zeroes in on Riko. His scars begin to ache and his vision tunnels. He actually steps back into Andrew, behind him, when Wymack snaps his fingers under Neil's nose. It doesn't take the team lib to find the source of their strikers sudden anxiety. 

“What are they doing here?” Matt asks, furious. The Foxes have hated the Ravens for a long time, but it had become personal after winter break-- after Neil had come back so incredible messed up. The Foxes had rallied around their youngest member, even if they didn't explicitly know the details. 

“I'll ask.” Andrew moves to pull away but Neil stops him. He hand unconsciously fists into the side of Andrew's jersey. 

“You are not allowed to kill anyone the first game of the season,” Coach scowls at the pair of them. “Worry less about him and more about your offense line, got me? Focus, Kevin. You too, Neil. Neil!” 

Neil is staring at Riko with something akin to horror. It makes Andrew furious, that Riko has so much control over Neil, now. Neil's hand is clenched as white as Andrew's jersey, and his eyes look far away. They don't have time for a panic attack. Wymack has to yell to get Neil's attention. His face is white. 

“I'm starting to think he likes me after all,” Neil attempts a joke because his team is looking at him with worry. Nicky fakes a laugh because that's what he does to ease the tension. 

“Who can resist a looker like you for long, right? You're lucky I'm taken, because damn. Maybe we can convince Erik to share me?” Nicky flirts, oblivious to the shutter that quakes Neil. Before Andrew can threaten to carve out his cousins kidneys, Aaron steps between Neil and Nicky with a scowl. 

“Would it kill you to leave the freaky shit off the court for once?” 

They argue, and Neil is grateful that the familiar bickering helps to ground him. That, and Andrews hand on the back of Neil's neck. He noticed Andrew moved to block his view of the crowd. Andrew is a great distraction, because now Neil is thinking about Andrew's apparent eidetic memory, and not of being held down in Evermore. Andrew was going to really *play* today's game, and it that was enough to boost Neil's spirits until he was bouncing on his toes, waiting to play. 

The first half was brutal. It had started rough and only gotten rougher. Dan was fighting with her mark, and the two were on each other within a few minutes. Neil was run ragged, but it felt good, despite the uncomfortable pull of new scars and stubborn bruises. By the end of the half, though, Neil didn't seem to mind his hurts. He was grinning at Andrew, who had only let two goals past him. Neil and Kevin had scored four goals, which put them in the lead against the Longhorns. 

Neil was in a good enough mood that he didn't even fight Abby when she did a quick check up on him, after a few rough hits he had taken. The Longhorns played outright dirty in second half, with two red cards and five yellows. It was a strain for the Foxes to keep their own tempers in check, but they couldn't afford to retaliate and risk benching a player. The Foxes win, with a seven-six score. It was good, until Neil was stopped by a reporter. 

“Neil, is it true you're marked for Court?” A microphone was shoved in his face. Neil knows he should keep walking, but so soon after a win, he feels daring. He looked behind at Andrew, who nodded his own encouragement. Kevin was busy with another reporter and didn't have time to object. 

“I'm sorry, did you say something?” Neil unstraps his helmet to give the reporter a view of the bandage on his cheek. 

“Rumor has it you've been invited to the perfect Court. Care to comment on that?” 

“Oh, you mean this.” Neil tears the bandage away. And then he really lays into Riko. Andrew finds it humorous to watch Neil vent his opinions in an almost civil manner that confuses the reporters. 

And then there was “...I'll never get where I need to be if I play for the Ravens. Besides, I could barely tolerate them for two weeks. I can't imagine playing with them for four years. They're horrible human beings.” 

And then Neil issues the challenge to see the Ravens to Finals. Andrew nearly laughs. Kevin nearly faints. His cowardice is finally enough that Neil snaps once they're in the locker room. Kevin easily has a foot on Neil's height, but it's worthless when Neil shoves him with all his strength. Kevin rebounds into the wall, and Dan and Andrew both let them have their moment. 

“Enough,” Neil all but growls in French. “Don't ever try to censor me again. I am not going to let him dictate how I end this.” Andrew is proud of Neil's backbone, especially after this rough last week. 

“You're going to bring him down on all of us. You don't think.” 

“You aren't thinking, either. You can't be afraid of him any more.”

“It's not a switch you turn on and off. You of all people know this. You didn't grow up with him. You don't get to judge me.” Kevin defends himself but Neil is too angry. He finds himself offended at Kevin's words. How dare he undermine what Neil had suffered over Christmas break? 

“You grew up with him as your brother, you were never really his victim, he needed you. He had other people to break, he never hurt you. Not like he did me or Jean or how many others. He never forced himself on you, he never locked you in a room so the other boys could take turns. Do not dare stand in front of me and say that you know better than to not fear him. Grow a fucking spine.” 

Kevin didn't have an answer for that, which Andrew approved of, though he hated not understanding what they were saying. He resolves to buy some language books when they return to Palmetto.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of fillers before some more angst! Yayyyyyy!!!! Muahaha

Andrew admits it's good to see Neil acting a little more like himself after the game. Apparently he had just needed a little Exy reboot. Fucking junky. The interview had gone over surprisingly well, because Tetsuji couldn't bad mouth Neil's performance. He was already marked for Court, and it would look undermining to insinuate Neil was anything but good enough for Perfect Court. He had stopped with calling Neil a loudmouth rookie with a bad attitude, which was all pretty much true. However, they didn't anticipate the retaliation from the Ravens’ fans. 

Saturday morning, Neil and Andrew wake to a desperate pounding on their door. Andrew's car was destroyed, his and every other car in the lot. Most had gotten away with broken windows and eggs, but Andrews. Someone had taken a sledgehammer to the sides, punching huge holes in the metal. Red spray paint read ‘traitor’ and ‘whore’. The last word made Neil's stomach drop. It was a common enough insult, but it definitely insinuated Riko was behind this. Of course he was. There was a dead fox inside. 

Aaron and Nicky take turns eyeing the disaster with disgust. It's Aaron who turns to Neil. 

“You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?” 

“I'm sorry,” Neil apologizes but he knows it fixes nothing. 

“Right. Seth was a one-off, then?” 

Aaron's words, along with the shock of the words on Andrew's car hood, are enough to send Neil flinching back. He doesn't have words to defend himself, but he doesn't have to. Alison backhands Aaron hard enough to send him stepping back. Andrew is on her in a second, twisting her arm to bring her to her knees. He chokes her down so she can't get up, can't breath. 

Renee puts herself between Andrew and Alison. “Andrew, it's just Alison, okay? It's just Alison.” 

Neil knows there is no ‘just’. Andrew had killed their mother for beating Aaron, he would not let anyone else lay a hand on his twin. He doesn't let go, even when Renee pleads with him. Everyone else is frozen, not daring to come close to Andrew. No one dares to challenge him. At this rate Andrew will kill Alison. 

“That's enough,” Neil whispers in German, but he knows Andrew hears him. “That's enough, Andrew.”

“You don't get to decide that.” Andrew answers back after a tense moment. 

“If you hurt you, you disqualify us. The ERC won't let us play with eight people.” 

“Your single mindedness is as nauseating as always.” 

“You promised. You promised to have my back this year and I told you where I was going. It's all the same at this point, whether you want it to be or not. So do you have my back or don't you?” Andrew refuses to look at him, seems to be ignoring Neil in favor of choking Alison. “Andrew, look at me.” 

Andrew glares up at Neil with such a dark look, it takes his breath away. He almost stumbles back, away, but it's too ingrained now that Andrew is someone to trust. Is someone who will protect him, who won't hurt him. 

“Fuck you.” 

Neil levels Andrew's glare with a look of his own, as if daring Andrew to take it out in him, not Alison. 

“Do you or don't you?” 

Andrew glares at Neil for one long moment. Then he lets Alison go. Aaron is staring at his twin like he's never seen him before, like he doesn't understand who this person is. Neil thinks Aaron is stupid, to keep mistrusting Andrew so much. Neil sees the fury is gone from Andrew's eyes, replaced with an empty look Neil hates. He has shoved the rage down so it can hurt only him, and Neil hates it. 

Wymack startles all of them with his approach. “What is going on here?” 

“Nothing,” Dan lies. “Just rethinking every time we defended our division to recruit the monsters.” 

“Hey, Andrew might have overreacted, but he has a point. She did start it.” Nicky defends his cousin. 

“You don't return a punch with a broken neck,” Matt scowls at the monsters like that's what they really are, Monsters. Neil knows better. Andrew is nothing that nobody did not make him to be. He is a guard dog, not a sadist. He was protecting his own. 

“Where you come from, maybe not.” 

“The real world?” 

“Don't. A privileged child like you has never seen the real world. Don't speak of it like you understand.” Andrew glares at the upperclassmen before giving Neil a look. Because Neil understands the real world, of how consequences are ten times that of the crime. Neil knows. 

“Nobody answered me. What's going on?” 

“Alison hit Aaron, so Andrew hit back.” It's that simple. Why didn't anyone else understand it? Andrew didn't ask for much, except to be left alone. Nobody touches him or his family and that was the only line he had. Still, people seemed to step all over it. 

“Pigs.” Aaron warns them, and steps closer to Andrew. 

After the interviews with the police and insurance company, Wymack drags Andrew off for a long lecture under the guise of lunch fetching. It leaves Neil alone with a group of people who care for him but don't understand. It makes it difficult to be friends with people who won't accept Andrew's boundaries. Neil sees them as untrustworthy, even if Alison was defending him. 

“Even Renee wasn't able to get through to him. What did you say to him to make him stop? If you aren't here next time, someone needs to know how to talk Andrew down.” 

Neil can hardly believe the stupidity. “Don't let there be a next time.” 

“Neil, in serious.” 

“So am I.”

Matt follows the girls to their room, and Neil follows Nicky and Aaron to theirs. Aaron looks at Neil with accusation and disgust. Neil is not having it, not after today. Not after such a close call-- if they had waited a few more minutes Wymack wouldn't have been able to stop Andrew and the police would have had to interfere. Neil doesn't want to think about what would have happened then. 

“You knew before I did why Andrew turned on Alison today. The only one who can stop this is you. Figure out what you have to do-- what you have to forgive-- to make him let you go.” 

Neil slams the door behind him. He can't calm down enough to visit the upperclassmen, so he goes for a run. Usually Andrew is with him, has been glued to Neil's side these past weeks. Neil doesn't feel comfortable alone in the road anymore, but he has keys to the stadium. He runs laps until his legs ache, until his lungs burn and his mind stops racing. He runs until he's exhausted, and only then does he stop to cool down. 

 

Neil finds Andrew on the roof with a bottle of vodka. He sits down on the ledge next to him. He doesn't consider jumping, this time. Andrew throws his cigarettes at Neil, who just lights one for himself. 

“Give me one good reason to not push you off the side.” 

“I'd drag you with me. It's a long way down.” Neil says. 

“I hate you.” Neil noticed the bottle is nearly empty. Andrew takes another drink. Neil wonders if he's drunk. “Ninety percent of the time, the very sight of you makes me want to commit murder. I think about carving the skin from your body and hanging it out as a warning to every other fool who thinks he can stand in my way.” 

He sounds eerily like Riko, and Neil knows he must have said it on purpose. Andrew had seen the skinned patches on Neil's thighs, left by Riko. Neil chooses on thinking about the other ten percent. 

“What about the other ten percent?” 

“I warned you not to put a leash on me.” Andrew sounds a little drunk. Not very. 

“I didn't. You out that leash on yourself when you told me to stay, no matter what. Don't be mad at me because I decided to pick up the other end of it.” 

“If you pull on it again I will kill you.” 

“Maybe when the year is up you will,” Neil admits. “Right now there's not a lot you can do about it, so don't waste our time threatening me.” Neil doesn't want Andrew to become Riko. 

“I don't think it was the money.” Andrew loses Neil there, for a moment. “Why they chased you so long. I imagine at some point they realized it was far more important to hurt you than to recoup anything they'd lost.” 

“If you say,” Neil doesn't understand it himself. “But you still won't hit me.” 

“The time is fast approaching,” Andrew warns him. 

“Good. I want to see you lose control.” 

They squabble their curious friendship away, and eventually Andrew vanishes Neil from the roof. He's on his way to their room when Aaron tackles Neil. He got in several shots to Neil's face, busting Neil's lip open before Neil can wrestle him off, and lands a few hits of his own. They only fight for a few minutes before someone is dragging them apart. Aaron thrashes, and Neil fights the people holding him. He hates that someone is holding him down, and his anger fights his panic. 

“Cool it. We've got enough trouble without dealing with your bullshit.” Someone tells him. Neil thinks his name is Ricky. 

“We're good.” 

Instead of waiting to hash whatever this was out in private, Aaron yells at him in German. About his girlfriend, or apparently the lack of. Kaitlyn had broken up with Aaron until he gets counseling with Andrew. That night, Neil barely sleeps. He dreams about Andrew, covered in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments help me write more! I love comments so much!! Even if it's to say that Andrew is often out of character. Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think!


	15. Chapter 15

Sometime the following Sunday, Neil was drug away from Aaron's hostile tension by Renee. Andrew walked with them to the cafe down the street for lunch and probably a ridiculously sweet coffee. Along the way Andrew and Renee picked up another conversation about another hypothetical apocalypse. Neil added in escape routes and supply stops, because running was kind of his expertise. They mostly agreed with Neil's choices, but he faded out of the conversation when it turned to survivors. Andrew had his few chosen but Renee would have collected survivors. 

“You wouldn't go back for anyone?” 

“I can count them on one hand.” Andrews hand is still smudged with ink where he had let Neil doodle on his skin again after this morning's anxiety attack. 

Renee vouches for Wymack but Andrew disagrees on account of Abby’s liability. But Neil can't relate to any of it. He's used to cutting ties, dropping his life and picking up another. Neil is used to shedding skins and had never really had actual friends to miss. Even now, with the Foxes, Neil knows it would be instinct to drop everyone and run, if the world came to an end. It was an ugly truth Neil had learned to accept about himself. He briefly wonders how long he would last without Andrew, in this hypothetical zombie apocalypse. 

Renee leaves to talk to Jean on her cell. Apparently she has been in contact with him since Kevin passed his number to her. Neil hopes it will distract Jean from Riko, maybe it will give Jean a reason to fight and leave Evermore. Renee could save him if Jean let her. 

When Renee returns, Andrew takes to throwing bits of tater tots at her. At first she blocks them with her phone, or bats them down to the table. Andrew almost smiles when she catches some in her mouth. Renee dips one in Andrew's ketchup and tosses it back at him. He catches it with a bite and Renee laughs. Neil finds himself relaxing around Renee for the first time, even smiling at the pair of them. 

Neil thinks to Andrew's ruined car, and the stash of cash on his safe. He makes a note to talk to Andrew about it. His chance doesn't come until they get back to Fox Tower. Renee goes upstairs but Neil stops outside.

“Andrew,” Neil calls. The blonde stops and waves Renee to go upstairs. “Have you heard back from the shop? Matt got a call this morning saying his truck would be ready for pickup tomorrow. Allison should have hers back Saturday morning. Can they fix yours?” 

Andrew just turns on a voice message on my phone. It's from the mechanics shop, telling them the damage was even worse than it had first seemed. The car would have to be replaced. And it was Neil's fault for mouthing off. The message ended and Andrew sat on the trunk of the rental car. He lit two cigarettes for him and Neil and looked as impassive as always. Considering how picky Andrew was about his car, Neil i  
little surprised . 

"You're going to have to replace it. If the insurance company won't cover a replacement for your car, take the difference from me. You know I have enough for it.” Because Andrew had stolen and snooped through Neil's binder the first month at Palmetto. 

Andrew blows his smoke into Neil's face. This close, their legs tough from thigh to ankle. Andrew smells like cigarettes and the dessert he had ordered. “I am uninterested in your charity.” 

“It isn't charity, its revenge,” Neil insists, nudging a little with his knee. “It was t my money in the first place, remember? I told you my father skimmed it from the Moriyama's. If you take some for your car, you're making Riko pay for what they destroyed.” 

“Revenge is a motivator only for the week willed,” Andrew says. Neil thinks that's bullshit, because he knows that Andrew is planning how to make Proust disappear. Andrew ever talks about what happened at Easthaven, but Neil knows. They don't need so many words between them. 

“If you believed that, you wouldn't be planning how to kill Proust. I'll help if you need me to.” Neil hates saying the words, has already killed and buried too many people. But this is Andrew, and its al partially Neil's fault. If he hadn't convinced Andrew to go with them to the Hemmick’s, Andrew wouldn't have been raped by Drake-- again. Aaron wouldn't have swung the racket, and Andrew wouldn't have gone to Easthaven. Neil wonders if Andrew can ever forgive him for that. 

Andrew stares at Neil with this unreadable look. Neil lets him stare and finishes his cigarette. He actually half-heartedly smokes this one because it's windy and keeps threatening to blow out. Neil finds himself smoking more often, now. He finds that he likes the way his lungs burn. 

Andrew props his smoke between his lips and reaches slowly to Neil, giving him time to pull away. He doesn't, lets Andrew grip his neck below his jaw. He makes Neil look straight at him and blows more smoke into his face. 

“This is not revenge. I warned him what I would do to him if he touched me. This is me keeping my word.” Andrew waits for a reaction, anything that might come from anyone else. The Foxes had nearly panicked in the lockers when he had eluded to what had happened to dear Tilda. But Andrew sees only acceptance and understanding in Neil's blue, blue eyes. He makes himself pull away from Neil before he does something stupid. Neither of them are ready for that yet. 

“Ninety one percent,” Andrew tells him, unimpressed. Both with himself and Neil for his lack of reaction. 

“Just take the money. You bought the last car with someone's death. You can buy this one with someone's life-- my life. That money was going to buy me a new name when I ran away from here. Thanks to you, I don't need it anymore.” Neil will probably be dead before he gets the chance to run again. 

Andrew, ever difficult in his acceptance of anything, denies around the smoke in his mouth. And then, “make a Neil deal with me,” Neil says. Sometimes Andrew feels like a demon, bartering bits of their souls. 

“What would you take for it?” Andrew wonders, only because Neil never asks for anything he knows Andrew won't give. He's good like that. 

“What would you give me?” 

“Don't ask questions you already know the answer to,” Andrew says. Except Neil doesn't understand. Sometimes he can be such an idiot. Andrew would give Neil almost anything he wanted. Anyone else would take it-- they have before, just taken what they wanted and left Andrew bleeding. But Neil is different. 

Andrew waits for Neil to decide his price. His fingers tap on his leg, an unfamiliar beat. Neil could ask to reinstate team movie nights and dinners. But he had been willing enough to do that without bribary, last Halloween. He decides he wants Andrew to accept the money for the car, and to quick the cracker dust. 

“I'll give you the money tonight.” It was easier to deal with Andrew when Aaron wasn't around, was with Matt and Nicky in their room. Aaron had often come over to play video games, but since their last fight he had stayed away. Andrew still hadn't gotten the full story. Something about Neil sticking his nose where it didn't belong, causing problems between the two. He was tired of being left in the dark. 

“Perhaps you'll explain to my face why you're suddenly so interested in my brothers life.” 

“I'm not.” 

“Without the lies,” Andrew warns. Neil has a bad habit of lying, but he has been getting better about lying to Andrew. Just, sometimes he needs a reminder. 

“I'm not. I can't stand him, but we're out of time. You two are holding us back, I had to start with one of you. Since everyone bets on Aaron and Katelyn, I thought he'd fight for her.” Mostly the truth. 

“Wouldn't that be an interesting change of pace. See also: a waste of energy and effort,” at least he was still a smartass, even without the drugs. “He might try, but he won't win.” 

“You have to let him go.” 

“Do I?” Andrew challenges him, but Neil doesn't back down. 

“You'll lose him if you don't,” Neil warns him. Neil drops from his seat beside Andrew and returns inside, his side feeling cold without Andrew.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the chapter lag, everyone!! Here's another. Just getting some canon plot out of the way. The next chapter is almost finished, and plenty angsty-- please please please comment below!!! <3<3

Neil Josten turns twenty years old on March 31st. Nathaniel Wesninski turns 19 today, January 19th. Neil has this sense of foreboding gathering in his stomach. As a child, his birthday had been mostly for the public's sake-- to make them look like a normal family. 

 

Behind closed doors, his presents had been burned, the cake thrown away, and Nathaniel beaten. Once his father had used the hot poker to burn his ribs, once he had doused his son's arm in alcohol and set fire to it, laughing. He had often tossed Nathaniel to Lola, as if knife training was the same as babysitting. On the run, his birthday had been ignored. Neil learned that he much preferred it that way. 

 

It was a Friday, and they had a home game scheduled against Belmont. It was nice to run off his anxiety in morning practice. He went to class, but his head was in the game, not in class work. They didn't have afternoon practices on game days, so Neil napped. Hours later the Foxes gathered in the locker rooms and Neil went to grab his gear. His locker opened with resistance, and then a ‘pop!’ 

 

Blood exploded all over Neil's locker, splashing onto his jeans and hoodie and shoes. The smell of it chokes him, and Neil's world spins around his locker. His uniform is all soaked and dripping in blood. Someone grabs Neil from behind, trying to drag him back. Neil's control is lost in a moment, and he struggles to get free. His panic doubles as he fights to get away. 

 

“No! Wait, no. Stop, stop!” Neil yells, though experience tells him it's useless. 

 

Neil screams and suddenly Andrew is there, shoving Matt away from Neil. He grabs the strikers ruined sleeve and guides him away from the mess. He has to hold Neil back from either scrambling to his ruined gear or running-- Andrew isn't going to let him do either. He's also going to punch Boyde in the face for grabbing Neil like that. Seriously, who is stupid enough to grab someone as fucked up as Neil, around the waist, from behind, to drag him away? Matt fucking Boyde is, that's who. Fucking moron. 

 

“Nicky, go get Coach.” Andrew orders. 

 

Neil elbows Andrew too, and runs back to his locker, his shoes sliding in the mess. He empties his locker with trembling hands, oblivious or uncaring of the blood soaking into his clothes, staining his hands. His face contorts into something between rage and agony as he shoves his fist through his locker. He rips the bag away and throws it, and swings his fist back to punch the lockers again. Andrew grabs his wrist before the fool can injure his hand. 

 

“It's ruined.” Neil's voice shakes. “It's all ruined.” 

 

Wymack enters, with Nicky closely behind. Coach freezes at the sight of all the blood. Of Neil, kneeling on the floor, covered in blood. Andrew is holding Neil's arm still, can feel him tremble with rage and anxiety. 

 

“Is it yours?” Coach demands, striding up to the pair. The striker is on the precipice of rage or anxiety, hyper focused on his ruined gear and not the horrifyied reaction of his teammates. Neil babbles about his ruined gear, so Andrew answers for him. 

 

“It's not his.” Satisfied that Neil won't self destruct now, Andrew drops Neil's wrist and returns to his locker. 

 

That's not the worst of it, Neil realizes quickly enough. ‘Happy 19th Birthday Junior’ is written in blood on the tile walls. Neil panics, his vision spinning in black and red and ‘runrunrun’. This has to be a joke of Riko’s, taunting Neil. But the Foxes have seen it, will put the pieces together that Neil isn't who he says he is. That he's some runaway, living here on borrowed time. 

 

Andrew sees the look on Neil's face, recognizes it, and comes forward again to wrap a hand around the back of Neil's neck. It's comforting, grounding. Neil comes to himself to hear Wymack talk about the police. 

 

“Coach, you're going to have to leave then out of this one, okay? Lets just get through the game. I'll clean it up afterwards. No one else has to know.” Neil says, as calmly as possible. Andrew knows better, can see how shaken the idiot is. He has questions for Neil later, oh yes he does. 

 

“Give me one good reason not to cancel the game and call security in here,” Wymack threatens with that worries scowl of his. Neil worries him-- constantly. He always looks ready to bolt, eyeing the exits and the people around him, always walking on his toes like he's ready to bolt at any second. The kid is obviously hiding from someone, obviously on the run. So ready to protect whoever he can, to let himself be lead away to be torn up in Evermore. David has seen Neil lean against Andrew, of all people, like the little Psycho is the only thing holding him up. This kid is going to drive him to an early grave. 

 

“I can't give you that yet. I told you to wait until May.” Per usual, Neil is a ball of mystery and annoyance. 

 

Andrew watches the fool argue, and take the towel from Matt. Instead of cleaning himself of the blood drying on his skin, he uses it to wipe the words from the wall. It's obvious the words shake him more than the blood itself. Neil must be used to seeing himself bloody by now. He says something to Kevin in French. 

 

“Can you play?” Kevin asks in English. 

 

“I'm pissed off, not injured. I'm not going to let this keep us from winning tonight. Are you?” 

 

Kevin turns to the team. “Get moving. We have a game to win.” 

 

Matt and even Wymack are stupid enough to argue. As if the police will find anything. As if the fucking pigs will be able to find any prints, beside Neil's. Useless. 

 

“I will give you one chance,” coach scowls down at Neil, who steps back from him. “If I think your head isn't in the game, I'll pull you so fast you get whiplash and Dan will take your place. Do you hear me?” 

 

“Yes coach.” Fucking junkie. 

 

. Andrew waits with Neil in the lockers, because he refuses to leave Neil alone so shaken and vulnerable. He had showered and stripped of his clothes, and was trying to make Matt’s towel cover his scars. At least the words on his backside have healed and didn't scar. Andrew takes pity and throws Neil his jacket to cover up with. The sight of those long legs peaking out from beneath Andrews hoodie is going to tease Andrew forever. Matt brings back the jersey some time later, still wet and vaguely pink. They can play it off as a pre-game prank. 

 

“Neil, are you sure you're okay?” Dan asks as he passes her. She has to good sense not to touch him. 

 

“I'm sure we have a game to win. Worry more about that and less about me.” 

 

Andrew watches Neil force his panic down. He sees that stubborn mask slide into place as Neil forces himself into the field. He plays like his life depends on it, not caring if he runs himself into exhaustion by half time. He looks nervous, eyes darting around between the exits and the people in his way of them. Second half is better, when Neil has Coach's permission to run his fool self ragged-- and of course, he does. Neil darts around the Foxes and Terrapins alike. He doesn't begin to lag until the end of the game, and they still win 8-5. 

 

The Foxes rush to meet Andrew at the goal for their celebration cheer. Nicky goes to latch onto Neil, but the striker dances around so Andrew is between them. He nudges Neil with the end of his racket. They get to the locker commons before Neil remembers the mess inside. Coach, the sappy fool, doesn't give his striker the chance to worry about such trivial things so soon after a win-- a win they never would have had last year, without Neil. 

 

Neil, who always has the right answers for the strangest situations. Who knows that nobody will ever turn up any prints that could connect Riko to the vandalism, or the creepy blood letters in the wall. 

 

“You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, junior? They'll never find proof that Riko was behind this, but they might find you, right? That's what this is all about, right? Your looks, your languages, your lies-- you're running from something or someone.” Aaron states the obvious so the naive ones can catch up. Aaron is an asshole. 

 

A dark, haunted look flickers over Neil's face. A look that Andrew rarely gets to see in him, the one that piques his interest in the mysterious little liar. The one that hints at the fire beneath his forced calm exterior. Neil is more like Renee than he thinks. Then the dark look passes, just a flicker in his eyes, and anxiety takes over. Neil's voice doesn't shake when he speaks, but it's a near thing. 

 

“You know, I expected low blows and backstabbing from the Ravens. I thought the Foxes were better than that. No, don't you dare take your issues with Andrew out on me. I know you're mad at me for getting Katelyn involved, but you're going to have to get over that.” 

 

Andrew sees that this is Neil, standing his ground and drawing the line. Andrew leans back to watch the show. Neil is properly angry, and it's such a nice change of pace. He has been leaning against Andrew for weeks now, this is a definite step forward. It's good to see Neil stand on his own again. Even if it is against Aaron, but the little shit deserves it for being a coward. Andrew smirks a little when Neil says as much. Andrew is even kinda proud of the feisty little ginger. That is, until the argument starts to involve Andrew. 

 

“You don't want me to be right, because if I am, it's your fault she's dead,” Neil says in that cold voice. 

 

“No. It is always going to be her fault,” Andrew has to correct the pair. 

 

He wonders why nobody seems to understand that. Aaron had accepted Andrew protection, sure. But it was Tilda who couldn't keep her damned abusive hands to herself. Even after Andrew had warned her what would happen if she hurt her son again. That made it her own fault, when she chose to ignore Andrew's warning and chose to abuse her son. It was only ever Tilda’s fault. 

 

“She didn't kill herself, Andrew!” Aaron snaps. 

 

“I told her what would happen if she raised her hand to you again. She had no right to look so surprised.” 

 

Behind him, the Foxes all gasp-- all but Neil, he notes. Neil is unaffected by murder and blood-- Andrew wonders why. Obviously there is a little monster inside him, too, just like himself and Renee. But Andrew wants to know what kind of monster. He wants to see Neil's demons come out to play. 

 

“That's not why you did it. Don't lie to me.” Aaron presses. He's so obtuse. 

 

“She was nothing and no one to me. Why else would I have killed her?” 

 

Neil waits for the twins to break into fistfighting, but Aaron sounds wounded when he speaks again. 

 

“You wouldn't even look at me. You wouldn't say a word to me unless I said something first. I'm no psychic, how was I supposed to know?” 

 

“Because I made you a promise. I did not forget it just because you chose not to believe me. I did what I said I would do, and fuck you for expecting anything else.” 

 

Neil sees a flicker of that rage in Andrew's eyes. The same look he had on the roof the day Neil picked him up from Easthaven. It's anger and betrayal. Neil thinks that Aaron has no right to sound so wounded. Not when Andrew had made a promise to protect him, only to be hated. Neil wonders why Andrew even bothers with protecting people anymore. He tries, and tries, and is only ever scorned for it. 

 

Andrew's hands are flexing against his thighs like he can feel a throat between his grip. Neil thinks he should probably step between them again, before the twins kill eachother. He puts a hand in front of Andrew's face, daring to block his view of Aaron. His eyes flicker to Neil's face, and then the rage is gone in an instant. Shoved down and replaced by that wall of forced apathy. Neil would rather Andrew hit him for interfering, than to repress so much. 

 

And then Allison is changing the subject back to their little runaway. “What does Riko have on you?” 

 

“He knows who I am.” The words hurt to say, and he can only imagine how mother screaming in his ear. She would beat him for admitting anything at all-- among the long, long list of other mistakes. He can hear Riko in his ear, feel his hot breath on the back of Neil's neck, calling him Nathaniel as he fucked into him. 

 

“Neil's family has a reputation. Riko is trying to use it against Neil.” Kevin elaborates when the striker does not. And now everyone knows. They all know that Neil is some lying kid, hunted and wanted by Riko and so many others. They know he's just some runaway, but they let him stay. They even let him come back to the dorms. Andrew drives, too angry to notice or care about Neil's anxiety. In his pocket, his phone vibrates silently. The number is blocked, but the text reads ‘49’.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I broke my damn finger today I'm so sorry!! updates are gonna take a hit. But hopefully not too much. I'll try to be good but I'm a little low on inspiration. So messages of all sorts are so much loved!!!! Usually I get around to correcting the typos my lovely readers point out to me so even those are greatly appreciated. Seriously guys, you're all so great. Tell me what you think!!

Andrew walks Neil to his class. Yeah, he would prefer to sleep, but Neil obviously doesn't want to have to walk alone, not when he still presses himself against Andrews side when they pass men with dark hair, or people who just look at them too long. 

 

Neil picks his usual seat in the back corner within reasonable distance of both exits. Andrew doesn't bother staying since it isn't one of *those* days. Neil had woken with Kevin's alarm, instead of a nightmare that morning. He had dreamed, of course, but it hadn't been anything new. Nothing to keep him up all night, anyway. Practice had gone well-- the time at Evermore had taught Neil a few passing tricks and had strengthened his endurance. He had missed the court while Abby had him benched. 

 

Neil takes notes when his phone vibrates. He suspects it's a text from Nicky, probably something inane, like his morning cartoons or a cute boy in his marketing class. Maybe it was just a bunch of emojis and exclamation marks, like the last few. He waits until the professor releases them to check. Andrew isn't there, and he had been upset last time Neil had left without him, so he waits. Neil leans against the classroom door and opens his phone. 

 

The number is blocked, and Neil debates opening it. The hallway is crowded with grumpy morning students but Neil can only stare at the screen. He doesn't want to open it in public but he has to know what it is. Maybe his fathers men have found him. Neil sips into the bathroom across the hall, which is blessedly empty. He locks himself in the farthest cubicle and opens his phone. There are several texts, from the same blocked number. They have attachments. Neil opens the first one with caution. 

 

It's a picture of Neil, lying on the floor of the Ravens locker floors. His naked skin looks pale against the black tile. On the small screen of the flip phone, it's hard to see the stitches but the blood is red splotches and the bruises are nearly as dark as the floor. The second is a close up of Neil's face, laying sideways against the tile. His face is covered in blood and cum and bruises and the number four. He drops the phone and runs. 

 

 

 

Andrew looks for Neil in his classroom and down the hallway. Not finding him there, he checks the bathroom across hall. It's empty, thankfully, though Andrew searches the stalls anyway. He shoves the doors so they slam against the dividers. On the floor of the handicap stall is Neil's phone, the screen a little cracked but mostly whole. Andrew looks at the picture left on the screen-- it was a close up of Neil's face, marked and soiled. His lips are bleeding from where he had bitten through at some point. His eyes were distinctly distant, even through the small screen, ringed red and puffy. 

 

Andrew goes back to look at the number, only to find it blocked. There's another photo attached, of Neil naked and prone on the floor. There was blood all over his back and thighs, bruises covering nearly all of him. Below the pictures was a new text: ‘don't want you to forget your place’, it read. Obviously from Riko. Andrew smashes the phone against the floor, and stomps down with the sole of his boot until it is unsalvageable. 

 

Andrew wonders where the idiot would run to. He checks the dorms and the library, the roofs of Fox Tower and the amphitheater and every other nook Andrew can think of. After an hour, he calls Nicky. 

 

“Have you seen Neil?” 

 

On the other side of the line his cousin sounds surprised. “Uhm, no, why? Isn't he supposed to be with you?” 

 

“It seems he has been misplaced.” Andrew scowls, looking up and down the road. 

 

“You lost him?” Nicky screeches from the other end. “How do you lose an entire person, Andrew?” 

 

“Shut up. Go get Aaron and Kevin and make them help look.” Andrew orders him. 

 

“He isn't answering his phone?” 

 

“No, it's broken.” 

 

“Oh shit! Oh no, why would he do that? What do you-” Nicky babbles in that anxious way of his. 

 

“Just do it. Call me if you find him.” 

 

Andrew drives around the roads for several hours, looking for the runaway. It's past lunch by the time he finds Neil. He spots a familiar shock of red hair down the road. He jumps when Andrew lays on the horn in one long wail. He rolls down the window as he pulls beside Neil. 

 

“Get in.” The boy hesitates but does so without argument. Because it's Andrew. “The next time you pull a runner, bring your fucking phone. You didn't even break the thing right, you're lucky I found it and not someone else.”

 

Neil stares for a moment, eyes wide with panic again-- they're red, like he's been crying. He looks ready to bolt from the car again, so Andrew locks the door. Neil stinks like sweat and anxiety. 

 

Neil stares at Andrew in shock. Andrew had looked for him, had found the phone. He would have looked at the screen-- he had seen the photos. The thought turns his stomach. Is this how Andrew had felt, back in Columbia, with everything lay bare before everybody? Neil doesn't feel like discussing it. He takes a page from Andrew's book and turns the radio up. He spends the drive back to campus staring at anything but Andrew, and chewing his lip bloody. The driver taps an anxious beat on the steering wheel. 

 

Once they get back to the tower Neil locks himself from everyone. He walks right past Nicky and Aaron and into their suite. Andrew waves off his family and follows after him, locking the door behind them. 

 

Neil grabs a handful of clothes and his towel before he locks himself in the bathroom. His legs buckle a few times, and his body is trembling from all the running. He should probably eat something, but he needs to be alone right now and he can't lock Kevin and Andrew out of their own bedroom. 

 

The shower hits him like a wave and not a weak stream. His legs buckle one last time and he lets himself sink to the floor. His chest begins to ache and his legs have been numb for a while now. He closes his eyes and sees his own face staring back, dirty and bruised. Memories of Evermore assault him. Of Riko, carving into Neil with such glee. Whispering in his ear, ‘when I'm finished with you, everyone will know who you are, Nathaniel. And they will all know you are mine.’ He can feel hot breath on his cheek. He wonders where Jean is, why he isn't hearing French whispered low so Riko doesn't hear. He only ever tells Neil how much he hates him, how clumsy and useless Neil is. But it's better than what Riko is growling in his ear. Where is Jean? 

 

Neil stays locked in the shower long after the water would have gone cold. They live in a dorm room, after all. Andrew doesn't worry, because he has all of the nice, sharp, pointy objects locked away, out of Neil's reach-- literally. Andrew had climbed on the dresser and shoved the lock box in the ceiling tiles. Try and see the little fool reach them now. Fucking roadrunner. 

 

So Andrew doesn't begin to worry until it's been nearly two hours. The water has definitely run cold by now, and Neil isn't usually one for pouting. Running, yes-- that's why Andrew hid the knives and things. But not hiding. Andrew was the one that was good at hiding. But it's been hours now, and Neil is not known for thinking things through before he acts. Andrew can hear the stream of water as he bangs on the door. 

 

“Neil.” Andrew calls through the door. 

 

There is no reply, and no key for the damn door. He rams his shoulder into the door until it flies off the hinge. Neil is curled around himself in the bottom of the tub, shivering and kinda blue from the cold water. He's impossibly still, unmoving even amongst the noise Andrew made. His eyes are closed. Andrew shuts the water off. 

 

“Neil. Get up.” He doesn't. 

 

Andrew leans forward to press a finger to Neil's throat-- to check for a pulse. At the touch, the boy jumps back with a groan. Neil's eyes finally flicker open, still rimmed red and so hopelessly empty. Andrew hates it. He wants to see the fight that he had on Friday-- anger is better than this apathy. 

 

“Get the fuck up.” 

 

Andrew drops a towel on Neil. It's a struggle to make his limbs move, stiff from running and the cold water. Andrew stares at Neil as he trembles and towels off-- making sure Neil doesn't collapse again, he realizes. Andrew also looks for injuries, nearly expecting to see bloody lines on the inside of Neil's wrists, mirroring Andrew's own scars. He doesn't find any fresh wounds.

 

Most of the injuries from Evermore are scarred over, well on their way to healed. The words have all but vanished, leaving only faint pink lines that will probably fade with time. Some of the bites have scarred, the worst of them on his shoulders and neck. Riko had bitten into Neil like a starving man. 

 

Andrew hands him clothes one article at a time. There are soft sweatpants and a shirt neil doesn't recognize. Andrew even fetches the fuzzy sweater he had borrowed from Allison weeks ago. It's big on his lithe body, the sleeves slipping over his hands and the hem down to his thighs. It's soft and warm and just heavy enough to help Neil feel secure. The color is a pretty baby blue, not even close to the black of the Ravens uniforms. 

 

Andrew sits Neil on the couch and shoves a chair under the knob of their front door. Kevin will be stopping by soon to get them for practice, but Neil doesn't need to be forced into such bodily contact today. Not when he's cringing away from Andrew, pressing himself against the arm of the couch in effort to put as much space between them as possible. Andrew puts on Animal Planet for background noise because he refuses to watch Exy. 

 

Neil is still shivering so Andrew brews a pot of coffee. He knows Neil won't eat today unless Andrew makes him, knows by now that he won't input on what they order for takeout. Andrew takes the liberty of ordering Italian and brings a quart of ice cream and a spoon to the couch to wait for delivery. When the coffee has finished brewing he brings Neil a cup, black with no sugar. It turns out coffee goes great with caramel ice cream. 

 

“Did you see them?” Neil asks quietly. Andrew knows Neil is referring to the picture on his phone. 

  

“Yes.” He won't lie to Neil. 

 

“I'm sorry you had to see that. Thank you for coming and getting me.” Neil had been miles from campus and too exhausted for the trek back. 

 

Andrew shrugs. “We're even now.” He means back in Columbia when Neil had busted down the door in the Hemmick’s house. When Neil had seen Andrew pinned and bleeding beneath Drake, had covered him with a sheet before anyone else could see him bare and damaged. Besides, Andrew had already seen Neil naked and injured before the photograph. Had doctored every knife wound and bite mark. The words and bites had been the worst of it, while Andrew had still bore bruised teeth marks on his own wrists from Proust. 

 

Andrew pays for dinner when it comes and they eat in a hurry. Exy practice will be over soon and Andrew would rather avoid Kevin's bitching for now. Neil picks at his own dish until Andrew huffs and puts it in the fridge for the idiot to eat later. He beckons for Neil to follow him, but he stays on the couch, simply staring blankly at the blonde. Apathy looks bad on Neil's pretty face. 

 

Andrew stares at Neil for a moment, considering. “I'm going to grab your hand. Yes or no?” 

 

Neil's hand moves as he says “yes.” His voice is hoarse from disuse. Andrew links their fingers together and pulls Neil to his feet. His hand is cold and a little clammy, probably still feeling the effects of his earlier… whatever that was. Andrew grabs their coats with his free hand and leads them to the roof. The sky is nearly dark already, and the night is starless and cold. Andrew shakes a cigarette pack out of his coat pocket and lights two. 

 

“It's your turn, you know,” Andrew reminds Neil. It's his turn in their little truth-for-truth game. 

 

“Oh. Um,” Neil has to think of what he wants to ask. He settled upon one. “Why did you stay in that house with him? You could have called your social worker or the police or you could have run away. So what made you stay?” 

 

“Cass, my foster mother. She wanted to adopt me. Andrew Joseph Spear, she said. And I wanted it more than anything else.” Andrew turns to Neil then. “Tell me the names of every player that touched you.” 

 

Andrew's voice is flat, emotionless. But to Neil it sounds dark and dangerous. He wonders if Andrew will add them to the list, beside Proust. 

 

“Riko, Evans, Smith, Johnson, Louis, Grey, Beck, Woods… and Morou. But he-- it wasn't that bad. Riko made him. And he was always… well, he tried to be gentle. As gentle as Riko would let him be. And he kept the others away from me, when he could.” 

 

“What he ‘tried’ to do means nothing. He touched you when you didn't want him to. That's rape. He had a choice.” 

 

“Jean couldn't say no. I got to leave, but he has to stay with Riko. I don't blame him for what he did.” 

 

“You know, that sounds dangerously close to Stockholm Syndrome. Do not defend him to me.” 

 

Neil makes a frustrated growl. “No! It wasn't like that. It was-- he…” Neil pauses. He doesn't want to say what Jean did, not aloud. “He just helped, okay?” 

 

“I'm sure he did-- helped hold you down, helped you get to practice, helped you from bleeding out in the dorms.” 

 

“No, he-- he…” Neil has a hard time saying the right words. That Jean had been the one to stretch Neil if someone other than Riko was going to fuck him. So that Neil wouldn't tear too much, would still be able to play. It wasn't a worry if it would only be Riko, but before the ‘Christmas party’, Jean was to make sure Neil wasn't left irreplaceable. 

 

“Jean made sure it wouldn't hurt, if it was going to be more than just Riko. It wasn't so bad, sometimes. He was as nice as he was allowed to be. Riko didn't want me… ‘torn up’, he said.” Neil admits slowly. The cigarette in his hand trembles. Andrew tosses his own to the ground below and lights another. 

 

“So he prepared you before he threw you to the wolves. To the Ravens, rather. Just because you didn't say ‘no’, doesn't make it a yes.” 

 

“Just don't hurt Jean.” He doesn't say ‘please’, but it's a close thing. He knows how much Andrew hates the word. 

 

“Maybe.” Andrew puts out the cigarette and goes inside. Neil is tugged along, his hand still laced in Andrew's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry about Jean... but he's a victim here too, I promise he isn't a bad guy. Please tell me what you think? Do i need to add/delete /edit anything? Where do you want this story to go? Is there anything specific you want to see? Let me know below or pm me :) you guys are fantastic!! Thank you so much for reading!! Sorry for the craptacular updates.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this one was fun to write. It's a little long. <3

Andrew doesn't sleep that night. He stares up at their ceiling, vaguely yellow from the cheap night light. Kevin is snoring in his bed, the first to pass out from alcohol intake. Neil sleeps fitfully-- he doesn't toss or turn, doesn't move at all, but he mumbles in languages Andrew barely recognizes. He did actually start to learn some Japanese but Neil is too quiet and mumbles are hard to decipher. He recognizes his own name, though, whimpered in sleep. 

 

“Andrew.” 

 

The blonde ignores it, for now. He slips down from the top bunk and sits by the window to light a cigarette. He smokes it slowly, studying Neil's face. It's scrunched in discomfort, his body curled protectively around himself. The light casts shadows across his cheeks and lips. He keeps mumbling, a little louder now. He can understand some of the words. 

 

“Stop. You'll kill him. Please, please,” Neil makes a strangled little sound. Andrew lights another cigarette. Kevin sleeps, oblivious. 

 

“Andrew!” Neil yelps, springing up. He's wide awake now, untangling his legs from the blankets. His eyes search around the room, taking in the light and Kevin's sleeping form. His eyes settle on the blonde by the window, on the burning embers. 

 

“Present.” Andrew quips. 

 

“What?” Neil takes a few steps forward so he's standing close to Andrew. Close enough to see him tremble. 

 

“You talk in your sleep.” 

 

“I don't.” Neil says, but it comes out like a question. 

 

“You do,” Andrew insists. “You were mumbling in Japanese and said my name.” Among other things. 

 

“I had a bad dream.” Neil sounds so incredibly young. 

 

His voice is voice rough and hair mussed from sleep. His eyes are still droopy, and he rubs a hand across them, as if to prove Andrew's thoughts. He looks exhausted and shaken. Andrew offers Neil his lit cigarette and lights another for himself. He disabled the fire alarm in the bedroom the first day they moved it, he doesn't worry about the smoke and it seems to comfort Neil. Neil, who takes a puff of the stick, something Andrew has seen more and more of, lately. He looks exhausted-- Andrew understands. 

 

“A nightmare about me?” 

 

Neil shakes his head, pressing just a little closer to Andrew's side.

 

“They were hurting you.” ‘They’ being an undistinguished form that could have been either Nathan or Riko. Neil just remembers blood and Andrew and screaming That someone had been cutting into Andrew like a pincushion. Neil was used to that kind of torture, had grown up with it. Andrew had not. 

 

“Yet here we are, safe and mostly whole, if not a little fucked up.” Andrew draws another breath through his cigarette and Neil takes a moment to let the smell calm his nerves. 

 

“Are you okay?” Neil asks after a long moment. He's slowly pressing himself closer to Andrew, close enough now to feel the warmth of his body against his side. 

 

“It was just a dream, idiot.” 

 

“No, I mean-- yeah it was a bad one but that's not what I meant. Why are you up so late? Did I wake you up?” 

 

Andrew stares at Neil's face. Neil keeps staring at Andrew like he's afraid one of them will disappear. Like Andrew might leave if he blinks, like Neil might wake up and find himself back in Evermore. Back beneath Riko or cuffed down to the bed all night. 

 

“I'm *fine*,” Andrew mocks Neil. Neil just nods and presses a little closer. Andrew wonders if he knows he's so close. He wonders how he became so vital to Neil's mental health. He wonders briefly if this-- whatever ‘this’ is, will become a problem. Andrew exhales slowly again, watching the smoke dance in the dim light. It caresses around Neil's face and disappears into the dark. 

 

“I think you should see Betsy.” 

 

Neil stiffens immediately, shoulders going tense and spine going rigid. He began rubbing at his wrist, where the handcuffs had left scars. He even takes a step back, and Andrew knows he made a mistake. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Fine, enjoy your plethora of issues. I'm going to sleep.” 

 

Neil watches Andrew flip the stick out the window and climb back up to his bunk. He considers returning to his own bed, but decides against it. He is awake now, unlikely to catch any more rest tonight. He would just lay in bed and think too much, remember too much. He goes to the roof instead. He sits on the edge and looks up at the sky, watching until the stars turn slowly into sunrise. 

 

Andrew and Kevin sleep in but Neil slips into his running sweats and shoes and his bandana. It's cold at first, but he warms up as the sun rises higher and he runs farther. He runs until his legs ache and his lungs burn. His bandana and shirt are damp with sweat. He turns around when he's too exhausted to think about everything. His legs are numb by the time he nears the campus. He doesn't see the car slowing down beside him until the horn honks. Neil jumps and prepares to run until he recognizes the voice yelling at him. 

 

“Get your fool self in the car.” It's Coach. 

 

Neil climbs in. He drives them to grab breakfast to go, and then to the stadium and leads the way to his office. He sets Neil to work looking at new recruits for next year. The upperclassmen were graduating and needed to train their replacements, plus they needed to add bodies to their lineup. Playing with only the minimum number of players was risky. Neil eats breakfast and sorts files into piles for Kevin and coach to review. He had almost forgotten last night's panic, and he isn't tired, as though he hadn't stayed up all night. 

 

And then Wymack says, “by the way, is making you vice-captain next year.” 

 

Neil's calm skids to a halt, his heart races in his throat. That can't be right, Neil isn't a leader, he's nothing. He'll be dead before then, by Tetsuji or his father's men. Especially now that Riko has taken away his dyed hair and brown contacts. He looks just like his father, it won't take long for his fathers men to find him. It takes Neil a second to breathe. Wymack should be asking Kevin or Matt. He says as much. 

 

Coach thinks Neil is the only one that can unite the team? Because he can sometimes persuade Andrew to not lob balls at, or kill, their teammates. His bar is really low. He says that Neil is special, but Neil Josten doesn't even exist. It's just another name in a long list of lies and he'll die a lie. Wymack says he doesn't care who Neil used to be before, but that's only because he doesn't *know*. If he knew who Nathaniel Wesninski really was, he would know better than to say that. He doesn't know that Neil had been trained to be deadly, had been handed a knife before he could read, and handed over to Lola to train. Nathaniel had killed people, on the run with his mother. They had left a trail of bodieys as they ran. 

 

“I- I have to go.” Neil all but runs from the room. 

 

He sits outside the door, legs rubbery but the need to run is coursing through his chest. He wants to run back to the dorms, pack his bag and leave. If he runs now he won't stop again. The Moriyamas will send men to fetch him and he'll be given to Riko. He sinks to the curb and rubs at his wrist. His mind is racing at him to runrunrunrunrun, his skin is crawling at the thought of returning to Evermore. 

 

“*Neil.*” Andrew's voice stresses in his ear like this isn't the first time he's said it. 

 

Neil doesn't remember getting his cell out, or dialing Andrew's phone. He pulls his phone back to check that he isn't imagining things, and Andrew's name is on the screen. Neil called him a minute ago. He doesn't know how he came to rely so much on the other. He hates to think of how he will leave Andrew behind when Neil's past finally catches him. His only consolation is that he will take Mathan and the Moriyamas men down with him. And Andrew doesn't care about Neil anyway-- he promised protection, but Andrew himself has said he doesn't want anything. At least when Neil dies Andrew will be okay. 

 

“Come and get me from the stadium.” Neil's voice is quiet and shakey. He still runs at his wrists. It's starting to hurt a little. The pain helps ground him. The silence on the other end of the phone changed tone. Andrew hung up on him. Neil waits and tries to remember to breath. He thinks about the keys and the nightlight and the promises and the reasons that Andrew was giving him to stay. 

 

The rental car pulls in front of Neil and Andrew steps out. Neil looks up at the blonde but doesn't stand. The apathy helps ground Neil. Andrew was something predictable and safe and strong enough for Neil to lean against at times like now. 

 

“I don't want to be here today.” Neil admits lowly. He doesn't feel right in his skin-- trapped, hunted. Everything was too close. 

 

“We were almost to the interstate,” Andrew invites. 

 

Since he had turned around to come get Neil, he wouldn't say no. Not when Andrew had gone so far out of his way. The blonde gets in and Neil sits behind Kevin, who is sitting in the front seat. They don't ask what's wrong so he doesn't ask why they're going to Atlanta. They listen to Andrew's music for two hours but otherwise sit in silence. Safe on the road with Andrew and Kevin, Neil lets himself doze. The phone ringing wakes him, but they pull into a car dealership a few minutes. 

 

“Get out or stay here. Those are your only choices.” 

 

“I'll stay.” Neil assures him. He knows Andrew means that running isn't an option. 

 

Neil considers staying and napping in the rental car while Andrew shopped. He knows nothing about cars and really doesn't care to. But he doesn't want to be left alone and vulnerable in a public place. The salesman is old enough to be Neil's father, with balding blonde hair and a long face. Andrew pulls Neil over by the sleeve of his coat. He keeps Andrew at his side as they shop for over an hour. Andrew finally selects something black and sleek and incredibly expensive. Neil is pretty sure he selected it because it was the most expensive car in the lot. A Maserati, the older man says. 

 

“I'll drive the rental back.” Neil offers. He feels better, but he thinks he wants to be alone for a while. 

 

“Kevin?” Andrew wonders. 

 

“Let him ride with you. I have nothing to say to him.” Kevin will want to talk about Exy and Neil just wants everything to be quiet for a little while. 

 

He follows Andrew down the interstate. Around lunch time they stop at a fast food place conveniently located in a gas station. Andrew picks a booth so his back is to the wall. Neil orders the largest black coffee they have. Kevin was widely silent as Neil stares into space and Andrew admired his new car out the window. They stop in Greenville to return the rental car.

 

Neil expects to be relieved at the sight of Foxtower, which had started to become something a little like ‘home’. But he feels tired-- hollow. He doesn't want to be here, either, but he told Andrew he wouldn't run. So Neil keeps walking past third floor, leaving Kevin behind. Andrew follows him up and lights cigarettes for them while Neil jimmies the door to the roof open. Neil takes his cigarette and walk to the edge, sitting with his legs hanging precariously over. He hopes a strike of fear will reset this mood he's in, the feeling of runrunrun and anxiety. It doesn't help. His skin prickles, too tight. 

 

Andrew sits down beside the idiot and holds up a key-- the dealership gave him two, and he thinks Neil should have the other. Maybe it will give him a reason to stay, or maybe it will help with that need for freedom he has. Neil stares at the thing with the same terrified expression he had with the phone Andrew had bought him. He drops the key between them, an offering. 

 

“A man can only have so many issues. It's just a key.” 

 

“You're a foster child. You know it isn't.” 

 

And just like that, Andrew is shocked yet again by how deeply Neil understands him. Andrew hadn't had a single key until Nicky bought the house in Columbia. Cass hadn't needed to give Andrew a key because she was there to let him in. She dropped him off and picked him up at school, and she was always home to let him in when he came back from the bookstore or wherever he had spent the day hiding from Drake. He hadn't needed a key. Living with Aaron, the twins had shared a key since Tilda had always conveniently forgotten to get Andrew a copy. And none of the foster homes had seen the need. As long as Andrew was out of sight, it didn't matter. 

 

“I've always had enough cash to live comfortably, but all the decent places asked too many questions. There are background checks and credit checks and references. Things I couldn't provide on my own without leaving too much of a trail. I squatted in Millport. Before that I stayed in decrepit weekly hotels or broke into people's cars or found places that were happy being paid under the table.” Neil admits this slowly, and Andrew can tell it costs him. It was no wonder the kid could sleep everywhere. Still, Neil continues. He traces the key delicately , like it's something dangerous and delicate. 

 

“It's always been ‘GO’. It's always been ‘lie’ and ‘hide’ and ‘disappear’. I've never belonged anywhere, or had the right to call anything my own. But coach gave me keys to the court, and you told me to stay. You gave me a key and called it home. I haven't had a home since my parents died.” 

 

This kid is a walking damn tragedy. He looks up and stares at Andrew with something he could ‘wonder’. Something he's only read about in books when he was young and stupid and just wanted someone to truly love him. The honest kind, not the perverse twisted form of lust they called ‘love’. 

His heart quickens, and Andrew hates this feeling. He hates how Neil makes Andrew feel, how he makes him *want*. Who flinches at buying himself clothes or phones or anything, really, yet gives Andrew thousands of dollars for a new Maserati. He doesn't know that Andrew had dreamed of having a fancy car and nice clothes and food every night, growing up in a series of abusive homes. 

Neil is too good to true, too good for something like Andrew. Andrew's hands are made for destruction, for bruising and breaking and punching. He wasn't what Neil deserved, he was not soft. Andrew was a weapon that pain and desperation had made. 

 

He grasps Neil's face in a nearly bruising grip, but he still doesn't flinch away. He makes Neil look away, out to the campus below. Anywhere but staring at Andrew with that impossible face. 

 

“Don't look at me like that. I am not your answer and you sure as fuck aren't mine.” 

 

Andrew didn't get a ‘happily ever after’. He was a realist, and didn't trade in fairy tales or love. 

 

“I'm not looking for an answer. I just want-” Neil stops and flounders. “I'm tired of being nothing.” 

 

Neil's words come out soft and broken, hitting Andrew in the chest like a physical blow. Andrew had hit this point years ago, had cut himself to pieces over it. He understands perfectly what Neil feels right now-- how empty and tired and *wrong* everything feels. And Andrew hates that Neil feels it too. 

 

Andrew doesn't do *feelings*. He never stood a chance, since that day he picked Neil up at the airport that day so many months ago. Since that first time he say Neil sober and thought, ‘oh, this one is interesting’. 

 

“You're a Fox, you're always going to be nothing. I hate you.” 

 

“Nine percent of the time you don't.” Neil sasses. Damnit, it's like Andrew made this kid in a machine or something. He's damaged and careful and fierce and so goddamn mouthy. 

 

“Nine percent of the time I don't want to kill you. I always hate you.” 

 

“Every time you say that I believe you a little less.” 

 

“No one asked you.” 

 

Andrew has been thinking about Neil for a while now-- how careful he is with Andrew, how much trust he puts in him, how Neil actually makes Andrew feel appreciated and understood. He leans forward toward Neil, his hand coming up near Neil's neck. He stares at Neil's lips with want. 

 

“Tell me no.” He needs a reason to stop. 

 

Neil doesn't entirely know what he's agreeing to, but he doesn't want to say no to Andrew. He wants whatever Andrew can give him. “Yes.” 

 

Their kids is not gentle or kind. Both of these men are fighters at heart, cannot give in easily. Their kiss is a clash of lips, a little clumsy from Neil's lack of experience. But this isn't like Jean's barely-there, feather light brush of lips to apeas Riko. This is Andrew, who kisses like it's a battle to be warred. It's heavy, and drowning and good. 

 

He hesitates near Andrew's face like he wants to hold him but he remembers just in time, *don't touch*, so he grasps his coat sleeve instead. Andrew tastes like cigarettes and too sweet candy he had eaten on the drive. 

 

The touch is a trigger that shoots a little jolt of fear through his heart, and Andrew pulls back. He's changed his mind. They have been held down and raped, both of them, less than a month ago. This is too quick, too much for Neil, and Andrew's heart is racing from the contact. Neil doesn't know what to feel, surely. His only sexual experience was Riko and the other Ravens that had dared touch him. Neil doesn't know any better. He wants Neil away from him. 

 

“Let go. I am not doing this with you right now.” 

 

He shoves Neil away from him and lights a cigarette. He needs something harsh to soothe the feelings of lips against his own. He's so nervous now he crushes the cigarette on accident and has to light another. Which Neil steels, of course. Andrew lets him. He curls a knee to his chest, feeling vulnerable and raw and angry. 

 

“Why not?” Neil wonders aloud, naive. 

 

“Because you're too stupid to tell me no.” Because it's too soon after Riko. 

 

“And you don't want me to tell you yes?” 

 

Neil knows him too well, sometimes. Knows that Andrew doesn't know how to have good things in his life, and Neil is *too* good. And he doesn't deserve Andrew to be pressing Neil's boundaries because Neil is inexperienced and either doesn't know there *are* boundaries, or he doesn't know where his lie. 

 

“This isn't yes. This is a mental breakdown. I know the difference, even if you don't.” Andrew feels the urge to wipe the kiss from his lips. He feels dirty, taking from Neil when he is still so obviously not okay. He's angry with himself for giving in. He knows better than to press before Neil is ready. And yes Neil stares at Andrew with that wondered gaze again, like Andrew is something special. 

 

“The next time anyone calls you a monster, I may have to fight them.” Because this is Andrew stopping on Neil's behalf. Because he thinks Neil isn't ready. 

 

Nobody has ever defended Andrew before, especially not like Neil has. “Ninety-two percent. Going on ninety-three.” 

 

They sit silently for a long time, their lips tingling. Neil's chest loosens for the first time in days and his exhausted catches up with him. He snatches his keys from the ground and turns to Andrew. 

 

“Hey. Thank you.” He needs Andrew to know everything is okay. 

 

“Go away before I push you off the side,” Andrew threatens. He wonders if Neil kissing him had been a suicide attempt. 

 

“Do it. I'll drag you with me.” Neil even smiles, just a little. He hasn't smiled in days and the sight of it now, knowing Andrew was reason for it, makes the blonde’s heart flutter. 

 

Alone in their room, Neil studied his new key. Again and again, Andrew gave Neil reasons to stay, to let Andrew try to protect him. He thinks about how that makes him feel, how Andrew makes Neil want, and feel wanted, even briefly. Before, Neil had little to no thoughts toward sex in general. But now his mouth is tingling and he can still taste Andrew on his lips and he likes it. There may be a lot Neil doesn't know on the subject, but he does know that this is different from anything that happened at Evermore. The kiss had been something good. 

 

His cell phone buzzed, pulling Neil from his head. The text read “48.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo did you like it? You can thank Jovarte for the kick in the ass to finish the chapter. Ummm forewarning the next one might be a little, uh, painful. So enjoy the schmoop and love while you can :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next are for the amazing iMOCKusALL. :)

AN: I'm so sorry. I got carried away. I feel rotten. This is badbadbadbadbad. Read at own risk. Check out the updated tags. 

 

 

The buzz of a needle floats through Neil's dreams, the sting at the back of his thighs and hands holding him down. He aches from the sleep deprivation and three weeks of abuse. Ravens hold him down to the table so he can't move. Riko could probably get drugs that worked better, but he wants Nathaniel to struggle, to hurt, to be traumatized and bruised. He wants Nathaniel to be afraid. 

 

Neil had fought as they drag him from the showers to here, but it did little good, except giving some Ravens black eyes. He gives up when they pin him to the table. He's tired and hurt, and he's already had the ‘four’ put on his face. This somehow bothers him less than having his hair back to his natural auburn. Besides, Neil is leaving in twenty-four hours. Riko did make a joke about this tattoo being a goodbye present, of sorts

 

Riko doesn't tell him what the man tattoos on his backside, and forbids Jean from telling him. Guessing from the intimate placement, Neil can guess that it's nothing good. He wonders why Riko would have him tattooed where nobody would see-- he doesn't know it's meant to hurt Andrew, he doesn't understand that Riko saw the way Neil looked at Andrew, even if Neil hadn't understood the feelings himself. 

 

The man says nothing as he tattoos something on Neil's ass. Riko says, ‘I want everyone to see it when they fuck you.’ The pain of the needle is nothing more than an irritation, compared to the rest of his flayed body. 

 

After about an hour the tattoo artist pulls away with a nod to Riko, and Neil is hauled from the chair by his hair and down the maze of hallways to Jean's room.He's cuffed to the bed, face down now. Neil can feel the blunt tip press against him, and he leans forward as if to postpone the inevitable for just a few more seconds. 

 

Riko holds Neil still and forces his way inside and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. But it still hurts. Riko wraps a hand around Neil's throat as he bottoms out. He squeezes until Neil quits kicking out and thrashing. When Riko fucks him, he leans forward to tell Neil how pretty he looks with his words tattooed on Neil's ass. How much he likes when Neil screams and how good he looks when he cries. He hardly shuts up as he thrusts, panting, ‘you're mine.’ 

 

Neil is relieved when Riko finally cums with a violent sound. Everything that follows puts Neil closer to freedom, regardless. He pulls out with a wet pop and slaps Neil on his new tattoo, making Neil bite into his lip to keep from crying out. 

 

Then Riko orders Jean to kiss him. It only happened a few rare times when Riko was feeling particularly cruel. Even in the dream, a part of Neil remembers that this is nothing compared to Andrew's kiss. Jean glares at Neil and whispers in French that he hates him. 

 

Riko tells Neil, in front of the room, ‘You deserve a reward for being a good boy. Taking what I give you without fighting, learning your place. You are showing improvement, Nathaniel.’ The leer he gives the pair of them is anything but reassuring. 

 

‘Jean, give Nathaniel his reward. Make him cum.’ 

 

‘No! Don't, don't fucking touch me.’ Neil pulls at the cuffs until he bleeds freely down his forearms and over the sheets. 

 

Jean covers his mouth, hissing for Neil to just ‘shut up and take it.’ To make it easier for them both. Neil squirms when Jean touches him, but his arms are bound above his head and his legs are being held. The other Ravens enjoy the show. Neil keeps begging behind Jean's hand, and his fingers press down hard enough to bruise, as if to choke the noises down. 

 

‘Stop crying and take it. Hurry up and finish before he makes us do something worse.’ It's hard to feel aroused when Neil doesn't want to be touched, but Jean’s hand is practiced. Neil's body responds to the touch, even if his mind is screaming *run*. 

 

 

 

Neil wakes up full of fear and adrenaline, striking out at remembered assailants. His hand punches the bottom of Andrew's bunk, and the blonde wakes up in a similarly violent fashion. Neil freezes and can't move while he tries to remember where he is. The walls are a sort of muddy yellow from the light Andrew had bought him. His hands aren't cuffed but his wrists hurt, he isn't bleeding but his scars ache. His heart is racing and he's shaking all over in a cold sweat. He can feel the ghosts of hands on his skin and he sees Evermore when he thinks. The sweats he sleeps in are uncomfortably tight, his erection straining and painful. 

 

He feels sick. Physically ill, and disgusted by his body's reaction to the dream. He hadn't liked it in the nightmares, and he hadn't liked it in reality. He wants out of his disgusting body, wants to claw the crawling flesh away. Instead, he runs to the bathroom to puke. He heaved violently for long minutes, until his stomach is throbbing and empty. 

 

His skin, his ebbing arousal, feels wrongwrongwrong. He's afraid to touch himself, like his hands might burn his own skin. He feels sticky and filthy, like he's still dirty from body fluids and Riko. The thought sends Neil heaving again. 

 

His erection is softening but his flesh still feels hot and *wrong*. He crawls into a cold shower and tries to force the thoughts from his mind. He tries to forget the feel of hands holding his hips down on the table or the floor or wherever else. Hands in his hair and on his chest and everywhere else. The buzz and burn of a needle on tender flesh. He can still hear Jean in his ear, telling him to quit crying, to quit fighting and making it worse. To just hurry up and cum already so Riko doesn't make them do worse things. Neil tries to stay grounded, but it's hard to remember where he is when he feels so dirty *wrong*. 

 

 

 

Andrew wakes violently, with a fist in his back. He strikes out and punches the bar on the edge of the bed with a resounding curse. Neil bolts from the room before Andrew realizes it was just the idiot having a nightmare and striking out at his own boogiemen. He couldn't fault the boy for that. 

 

He checks the phone for the time-- they've been asleep for two hours. Another hour passes and Neil hasn't returned to the bedroom. Andrew starts to think he probably isn't going to sleep tonight, either. It had been a rough weekend. It looks like it was going to get rougher. 

 

The light in the bathroom is on, but the door is closed. At least it isn't the roof. Andrew knocks, but doesn't get an answer. He hears the shower going again, and he frowns. Neil hasn't ran to hide in the bathroom lately, he frowns at the setback, but thinks it was probably to be expected. 

 

Neil is curled on the shower floor, fully dressed with the cold water running over him. Deja vous. Andrew turns the water off and kneels beside the tub, but doesn't touch. 

 

“Shit. Neil. Neil, damnit. Listen to me-- you're safe at Palmetto. I'm here, and you're hiding in the fucking bath tub, and you're safe. Neil. Neil. Neil!” The redhead stays in the shower, shivering and soaked and unresponsive. The stubborn shit. 

 

“Abram! Abram, look at me. Abram.” 

 

Neil's eyes slowly squint open and flicker over Andrew's face. He stares like he doesn't recognize the face in front of him. 

 

“Neil.” Andrew reaches forward to grab Neil's neck, but he flinches back. Violently so, nearly smacking his head against the shower wall. 

 

“Don't!” Neil sits up to press into the far corner. 

 

He doesn't see *Andrew*. Neil sees someone that wants to touch him, to hold him down and hurt him. It takes several long minutes of Andrew speaking in circles, telling Neil he is safe, nobody is going to touch him, it's just Andrew. Eventually the black fades away to blonde, the black eyes turn to Andrew's hazel. 

 

“Andrew.” Neil chokes on his breathing. “Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.” Neil repeats as if he's reminding himself that it really is just Andrew with him. He hasn't moved from the tub. Andrew wants to help Neil, to pull him to his feet or to ground him. He offers out a hand that Neil flinches away from. 

 

“No! Don't. Don't touch me.” Neil says it softly, like an apology. Even now, he remembers not to say ‘please.’ Andrew wonders if they made Neil beg, in the Nest. 

 

Andrew doesn't want to hear apologies. He wants to find every single person that has hurt Neil, and rip their throats out-- starting with Riko. He settles for taking care of Neil, starting with dry clothes. Andrew returns to the room to grab his own clothes for Neil, rather than waste time searching through Neil's drawers. He also brings the idiots favorite jacket and a towel. He dumps all of it on the sink and scowls until Neil gets out of the tub. He leaves the striker alone to dress. 

 

They sit on the roof for a few minutes but Andrew thinks of how long Neil stood under the cold water, and his wet hair was now most likely frozen. Neil doesn't seem to mind, but he stays out of reach and doesn't take the cigarette Andrew offers. Neil feels like his skin is oozing, contagious and wrong, and he doesn't dare to touch Andrew. He feels like if he gets too near, his stained skin might stick to Andrew. So Neil keeps a distance between them until Andrew takes pity and leads them back inside after he finished his cigarette. 

 

“I want to take a turn.” Andrew says when they settle into their respective beanbags in the living room. Neil looks at him and waits. “Why the bathroom?” 

 

Andrew knows what it is to hide from people trying to hurt him, to be too small to fight back. He used to hide beneath beds and under porches, in closets and sheds. Even under the sink cupboard, on one terribly memorable occasion. Never bathrooms, much less one that he never locked. 

 

“After Riko was finished for the night, Jean was allowed to help me to the lockers, to shower. Sometimes Riko kept me handcuffed to the bed all night, until next practice. He would crawl into bed while I was sleeping, and-- and I knew it was over, for a while, when Jean took me to the showers.” 

 

Neil takes a long while to think of a question he wants to ask. “What do the tattoos say?” Neil whispers. 

 

He's afraid of the answer, but needs to know exactly what is on his body. Neil has survived brands and cleavers and bullets-- some words in tattoo ink should be nothing. 

 

“They don't matter.” Andrew says immediately. 

 

“I thought this was a truth game,” Neil challenges, scowling. 

 

“That is the truth. Whatever those sick fucks call us does not matter. What Riko calls you doesn't matter.” 

 

He heard Andrew say ‘us’, and briefly wonders what Andrew has been called. He knows better than to ask, though. 

 

“It's his name, isn't it?” Neil guesses. “He tattooed his name on me so nobody would forget.”

 

“It doesn't matter,” Andrew insists. 

 

Neil huffs and stands. He thought he was okay, because he knows Andrew won't touch him, not after Neil said not to. But even being in the same room as someone is making Neil shake with the need to run. Usually Andrew doesn't count, not really, but the blonde is being frustrating and Neil is still upset at himself for his physical reaction to the nightmare. He doesn't want to be around anybody right now. He grabs his keys beside his shoes, which he slips on. It's not yet four in the morning, but Neil grabs his coat. Andrew makes to follow, and Neil shakes his head. 

 

“Don't. I'm fine. I just need a few minutes. I'll come back.” 

 

Andrew lets him go with a scowl. Neil runs and runs and runs. He runs until he's sick, until his legs are numb and his lungs burn and he dry heaves. Only then does he make the slow trek back to the tower. The sun has risen high in the sky, and Neil thinks it must be about noon, but he can't check his phone because it's dead beside the charger in his room. 

 

Andrew and Kevin are gone by the time he gets back. Nicky is there waiting, instead. 

 

“Aaron is being all pissy about Katelyn, so I thought I'd come see you! Hi Neil! Also, Andrew wanted me to let him know what you got back. Where did you go all morning? It's nearly one!” 

 

Nicky rambles on as Neil drowns himself in a bottle of water from the fridge. His hair sticks to the back of his neck with sweat, and it feels like fingers on his crawling skin. It's been months since he's had a haircut, his mother would never let him grow it out, especially now that it was his natural auburn color. Too much like his fathers long mane. Usually his mother cut his hair, but… but now it's gotten too long. It's too easy to pull, too easy to grip and drag Neil's face down to someone's crotch. He can barely restrain the shudder. 

 

“Nicky? Do you have a mirror I can borrow?” 

 

“Sure! Of course I do. They would probably revoke my gay license if I didn't own a mirror-- like, a hand mirror, right? You don't want Alison's Vanity mirror or anything, do you? Stupid question, I'll be right back.” 

 

Nicky brings the mirror and leaves, and Neil digs a pair of scissors from a drawer. In the bathroom, Neil throws a towel over the large mirror so he doesn't have to see himself as he grabs chunks of long hair and snips at random. He looks too much like his father. He tries to leave it long on top, to try and cover his blue eyes. He snips the sides and back away in choppy motions and he only stops after he feels no particularly long strands. 

 

He sweeps the hair from the floor and takes a calming breath before he rips the towel from the mirror. He strips out of his clothes and faces his back to the sink mirror, and angles the borrowed hand mirror to examine his back. He's covered in knife scars old and new, and there are several half-moons where he had been bitten. Lower still, he pulls his boxers aside to reveal black and red ink on his ass. ‘Raven whore’ and ‘Riko’. 

 

Neil drops the mirror. He forgets his discarded clothes, and the glass he steps in. He runs for the kitchen because he has to get these marks off of him. He doesn't want them, he needs them off, away from him. He needs to cut them off. His hands shake as he slams drawers looking for the knives. It'll be worth the pain if he can just get the things *off of him*. 

 

Where are the knives? Or a broken shaving razor, but all they have is electric-- how had Neil not noticed the sudden disappearance of all the sharp objects in the suite? 

 

Andrew. 

 

Andrew would have hidden them away because Kevin doesn't think beyond Exy. And the easiest place to hide things would be the ceiling tiles. He doesn't know how much time he has before someone comes in, but he needs the words off of his skin, if he has to get a lighter and burn them off. Luckily it only takes a few minutes to find the box hidden in the ceiling tile above Andrew's desk. 

 

Neil upends the box and grabs the first knife his hand can reach. He takes the blade to the flesh of his rear, twisting hard to see. The first cut hurts a little, slicing a little deeper than he meant to but that's okay, because the blood is easier to look at than the words. As long as it gets Riki's voice out of his head, ‘whorewhorewhore’. The slapping of flesh against unwilling flesh, and Neil's own screams. Him and Jean screaming while everyone laughed. His tears caught on a bloody mattress. Neil cuts a little deeper, uncaring it his blade is a little off the mark, taking extra flesh instead of just the words. 

 

Something slams into Neil's side hard enough to knock him to the ground. He keeps his grip on the bloody knife handle and swings. Still caught in memories of Evermore, he doesn't recognize Andrew. He kicks out, not wanting to fight with the knife-- he doesn't want to become like Nathan. He fights with fists and feet and teeth and claws. He fights like a cornered cat, hissing and growling to ‘get away, don't touch me!’ 

 

“Neil!” 

 

Neil punches Andrew in the face before he recognizes the voice. He drops the knife and takes quick steps back, away from scene. He stands frozen, knife in hand, looking over Andrew for injuries. Wounds that Neil had given him. 

 

“I'm sorry. Andrew, I’m sorry. Are you okay? Did I-” 

 

“Shut. Up.” Andrew growls.

 

Neil shuts up. Andrew strides over and pulls the knife from Neil's clenched hands. Neil lets him take the weapon and throw it to the side, away from Neil. Only now does Neil realize he's crying-- not loudly, just little tears that slip down his face unnoticed, and the little hitches in his breath. 

 

“What is this particular breakdown about?” Andrew demands. 

 

“Raven Whore.” Even Neil's voice shakes. 

 

“And you thought you would add to the collage of knife wounds?” 

 

“I want them gone. I need them off of me, I am not his whore!” 

 

Andrew watches Neil shake apart, tugging at his badly cut hair and scratching at his wrists. He looks wild eyed and ready to run. The tears are subtle, broken little things that make Andrew sick with understanding. It had been so long since he cried he thinks he's forgotten how, but he remembers crying that first time when Steven made him say ‘please’. He remembers screaming so Jesse had to choke him to be quiet. He definitely remembers Samuel calling him a whore, telling him how much Andrew ‘liked it’. He had not. 

 

So Andrew understands why Neil is breaking now, seeing the words tattooed on the most intimate parts of his body. That doesn't mean Andrew will coddle him, because right now he hurts from sparring with Renee and Neil had landed a few good hits, too. The thought of physical contact makes him angry and disgusted, and he doubts Neil would feel good about it either, considering everything from that morning. 

 

Neil's scars are all on display and his boxers are soaking up blood. Andrew understands he can't touch Neil right now, even to ground him. Instead, he cleans up the mess. 

 

He starts with picking up the box of knives. Neil kneels on the floor, trying to breath and Andrew leaves with the box. He knocks and enters the girls’ suite when Renee answers. There's blood smudged on his hands from contact with Neil, and of course Renee notices when he shoves the box to her. 

 

“Get rid of these.” 

 

“Is there a body, as well?” She asks in that solemn way of hers when she doesn't force that little smile onto her face. 

 

“No.” 

 

With that, Andrew turns and leaves. He texts Abby that Neil did something stupid, and she will need her medical bag. Then he makes his way to the car. There is nothing he can do for Neil at the dorms, nothing that will help, anyway. He needs space. Time and space. Andrew drives away from Palmetto as he dials a number on his phone. 

 

“Bee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo? Too harsh? Maybe. I think my soul shriveled up a little writing this. I seem physically incapable of writing anything but angst. Is there anything you guys wanna see written? Am I still in character? I think I'm making Andrew too soft. Let me know!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half for iMOCKusALL

Can you believe it's already 20 chapters?? This is nuts!! When I did this I had guessed 5, 10 at most. Yet here we are! Thanks everyone for sticking through the brutality and angst and horror. You guys must be masochists for putting yourselves through this fic and I love you all for it. 

 

 

Within an hour, Betsy had the address of Wymack’s tattoo artist. Discreet, she had said. Andrew walks into the shop and spends time casing the place-- a lock and blinds on the door, beautiful artwork on the walls, pictures of finished tattoos and sketches of new tattoos. The man behind the counter wasn't old enough to be the ‘Cassie’ he was looking for. And definitely not a female. 

 

“Sup bro?” Counter guy nods at Andrew. 

 

“Cassie is expecting me.” 

 

“Oh! You must be the dude that dude called about. Sweet! Yeah, she's in the back, man. Just follow the sound of Rock, dude.” 

 

Andrew follows the sound of Dirty Deeds to the source, a back office with walls cluttered in more art and wedding photos of two women. One of which being the brunette behind the counter. She was short and sort of round, covered in tattoos which he took time to study. ‘Don't Jump’ was written on one scarred wrist, and ‘Be Brave’ on the other. Storm clouds and sharp streaks of lightning cover an entire arm, shoulder to wrist. The other arm is filled with crawling rose vines thick with thorns. 

 

Andrew walks up the woman and pulls a knife from his sleeve. She freezes as his blade presses against her stomach, yet doesn't panic. She gives Andrew an appraising yet fearless look. 

 

“You must be Andrew.” 

 

“I need some cover up tattoos done, in very intimate places. To cover scars and a few words. Discreetly, do you understand? Don't say anything, just nod.” 

 

Cassie nods once, a look of understanding slides into place. Apparently this isn't the first time her life has been threatened, not such demands made. It's annoying, how calm she is under his gaze. 

 

“Good. I'll bring him in tomorrow.” 

 

He expects some sort of argument, but Cassie nods again. “Noon? Or earlier? This could take some time, depending on exactly what you want covered, and if your friend needs anything specific.” She seems to have picked up that the tattoos are not for Andrew. 

 

Andrew thinks about Neil's panic and self harm, and considers taking the entire day for this. 

 

“Nine am,” Andrew corrects her. 

 

She nods again, serious. “I'll clear my day for you.” 

 

“And you don't say a word about it. You don't talk to Wymack about it, you don't discuss it with your employees, or anyone else. This doesn't get to go on your portfolio, or your art wall. Got it?” 

 

Up close, it's still hard to tell that those are scars on the insides of her arms, not lightning bolts she stylized over them with. She was good, he would give her that. 

 

“Well, how big are the scars? First of all.” 

 

They go over vague details until Andrew is satisfied. How big the scars are, what shape, how thick the scar tissue is, how old. The same with the tattoos. He tells her they're words on thighs, vague enough that she can work with it. He mentions the crescent scars on Neil's back and she looks thoughtful. 

 

“It won't be a problem, as long as the individual signs off on all the paperwork. I promise to make the appointment as subtle and painless as possible. Though I do recommend your friend brings headphones or something, if they trigger easily. Some find that the music helps distract them from the needle buzz and my music isn't to everyone's taste.” 

 

Andrew keeps that in mind. 

 

“No drinking tonight- it thins the blood and I won't work with a drunk person. Got it?” 

 

Andrew nods once. 

 

She gives Andrew an appraising look, stomach still against his knife, close to being gutted. She nods once, serious and unafraid. “I've worked with victims from all walks of life and all sorts of wounds. I'll take good care of your friend, and nobody will know a thing. No judgment here, no questions, or wandering hands. No bullshit. If I mess up, you can kill me before David gives me a lecture.” 

 

The words aren't joking as he'd expected. He sees why Bee passed Cassie’s address, in particular. Coach and Matt probably knew several artists, but Cassie seemed to mind her own business. The woman gives him a card with a cell number scrawled on the back. She sets the appointment under ‘Scary Blonde Guy’ in case her staff recognized the name from the Exy team. She really was discreet. 

 

Back at Palmetto, Neil was sitting sideways on the couch with a plate of spaghetti mostly untouched in front of him. He glances up when Andrew walks in, tracking his walk across the room to the kitchen. Abby must have brought groceries and cooked while he was out, because there is a pot of noodles and sauce still hot on the stove. 

 

“How bad?” Andrew asks about the wounds as he sits down with a heaping plate. 

 

“I'm fine.” 

 

“No you're not. That's not what I asked.” 

 

Neil shrugs. “Didn't need stitches. I missed.” Neil means that he missed hitting the tattoo, he had cut too far above it too mar the ink. The rest of the night is quiet. Neil keeps out of arm's reach, from both Andrew and Kevin. 

 

 

 

Neil doesn't sleep that night, so he catches up on work he misses when he's too anxious for class, when he skips with Andrew. Kevin's alarm goes off and Neil dresses for morning practice in a haze. His skin feels… off, still. Wrong. It feels like he's floating along in his body, numb. It doesn't even hurt when Alison checks him to the ground on accident. In the showers, the water is hot enough to sting, but not like it should. Everything feels distant and faint, almost as if through a fog. 

 

Neil dresses for class in jeans and Alison's jacket that she hasn't even asked back. Of course, she bought a new one in pink last week, so she obviously doesn't need it. Neil figures he might keep it until she asks for it back.

 

Andrew is waiting in the kitchen, sharpening his knives. He takes one look at Neil and shakes his head. He searches through Neil's clothes for a pair of baggy grey sweatpants and thrusts them at the striker. 

 

“You'll want these.” 

 

Neil changes in front of Andrew without pause. He should probably be concerned about his apathy today, but he can't bring himself to even feel embarrassed now. Andrew doesn't seem to notice, anyway. 

 

He stops Neil from grabbing his coat and backpack. “We’re playing hookie today.” 

 

Neil nods along. He doesn't think he's said anything since he woke up, but if his team noticed, they said nothing. He lets Andrew lead him to the Maserati and slouched down on the seat. He stares out the window while Andrew drives them downtown to stop in front of a little shop called ‘Ink Therapy’. The name does not sound promising, but Neil follows Andrew inside. A short girl, probably close to thirty, waited at a counter stacked with portfolio binders. 

 

“Scary Blonde, and company. Good morning.” She's obviously seen Andrew before. 

 

“I'm Cassie,” the woman introduces herself to Neil but stays back and doesn't offer her hand. “Andrew saw me yesterday about some tattoos you might be interested in.” 

 

“Uhm.” Neil glances at Andrew, who just hands Neil a binder to look through. 

 

“I did most of my own, too. I had some scars to cover, if you want to look closer.” Cassie offers in a way that seems unassuming. She offers a forearm filled with dark clouds and bolts of light. “You can touch, if you want. Just be gentle, they still get sensitive, sometimes.” 

 

Neil shakes his head, content to look. Behind him, Andrew locks the door and pulls the blinds closed. He steps toward Cassie with a dangerously blank look on his face, fingers edging at his arm bands. 

 

“Remember our agreement,” he threatens her. She sees solemn, not as shaken as people usually are when Andrew threatens their life. “Don't say a word.” 

 

Cassie nods once, serious. Andrew stares at Neil until the boy sighs and slowly takes off the jacket. And then his shirt, revealing twists of scars. Cassie barely looks beyond a clinical eye. 

 

“Which do you need covered? Or which ones first, should I ask?” 

 

“These.” Andrew turns Neil around and points to several bites. Andrew wants them gone just as much as the words on Neil's ass. They remind him of his own triggers, of Proust biting bruises into the scars on Andrew's wrists. 

 

The scars are thin but jagged, easy to cover. They're smaller than her palm. Cassie nods, considering them. 

 

“How sensitive are they?” 

 

Neil shakes his head. “It doesn't matter, I want them gone.” 

 

“Okay. So we will start here. You can put those back on for a while. Do you want anything particular over them? Have any ideas? This is your body, Neil. I won't do anything unless you give me go ahead.” 

 

Neil shrugs. He hadn't put any thought into it. 

 

“Fox paws.” Andrew says for him, and Neil knows immediately that is what he needs to get. Andrew sees Neil doodling paw prints all the time, on notes and homework and Andrew’s skin. The woman looks at Neil for confirmation and he nods. 

 

“Okay. You want me to draw some up or print some?” 

 

“Neil can draw them,” Andrew says in an insistent voice. The woman smiles and hands over some paper and a pen for Neil to draw with. 

 

“You can do them all different, or I can use the same stencil for them. Whatever you want.” 

 

Neil doodles out an outline of a thin paw with sharp little claw marks. “Can you make them orange?” 

 

“Absolutely. You're the boss on this, you know? Whatever you want.” 

 

It's almost odd, hearing those words. A month ago, nobody had listened when he had said ‘no’, when Neil had begged them to stop, please, stop. Now it was all about what Neil wanted-- he was covering marks he hadn't wanted with some that he *did*, with tattoos that Neil is designing and choosing for himself. It feels oddly empowering. More so than when he had tried to skin the words off. He is not defenseless, he is not weak. It was supposed to be a sacrifice Neil made to keep Andrew safe. The bastard had lied, but that did not make Neil weak. 

 

“Give it red claws,” Andrew adds with his lips quirked minutely. It's the closest thing to a smile Neil has seen since Andrew came off his medication. Neil shrugs. Then he nods. He kind of likes the idea. His Foxes are fighters. 

 

“So there's our starting point. Did you want to do these first, and maybe come back when you want the tattoos covered? Or do you want to try and-,” Cassie offers but Andrew interrupts her. 

 

“Today.” Andrew says. Neil has to agree-- it's best if he gets everything over and done with, rather than to drag it all out. 

 

“You sure?” She looks pointedly at Neil now. 

 

“I'm sure. I just want it done.” 

 

“Okay. So let me see.” 

 

Easier said than done. Andrew is fingering the knives under his arm bands, staring and waiting for the tattooist to make a mistake. Neil takes a fortifying breath and lowers his pants and boxers as low as he dares. 

 

“Okay.” The woman sounds angry, rather than shocked or pitying, and her voice is still mostly level. She must have a lot of practice in scars of all sorts. 

 

“Those won't be hard to cover at all, the ink is already faded from not being properly taken care of. Did you know you're supposed to use Aquaphor on these? I'll give you a bottle to bring home,” she tells Neil. 

 

“And you,” she says to Andrew. “You make sure he uses it. Now-- what do you want over these?” 

 

Neil doesn't know, and Andrew doesn't suggest anything this time. He looks around the room for long moments, pondering. Cassie and Andrew both seem content to wait for him. 

 

“Delphinium for bold and Hydrangea for perseverance.” Andrew surprised them both by suggesting flowers. 

 

“I think he just called you mouthy and stubborn.” The woman smirks but it doesn't look unfriendly. More, teasing. 

 

“Flowers?” Neil wonders when Andrew had learned the meaning of flowers. They never meant anything to Neil. “No. something else.” 

 

“Do you want to get started, and think on that one for a little while? These will take at least an hour.” 

 

Neil nods. He doesn't really care what goes over them, just that the words are covered. Neil's hands shake as he pulls the back of his shirt up-- she makes him perch on a table but thankfully doesn't make him lie down. She seems to understand what a bad idea that would be, whether by experience or something Andrew might have mentioned earlier. The disinfectant is chilly, but Andrew stands protectively in front of him and the woman tells them what she is doing every step of the way. 

 

Neil cringed when the needle starts up, hands jumping in an aborted movement to strike out. 

 

“Yes or no?” 

 

Whatever Andrew wants, it's a yes. Andrew catches Neil's hands and holds them in a tight grip that's almost painful. 

 

“Let me know if it gets to be too much,” she warns behind him over the buzz of the machine. It sounds like Riko saying ‘Don't be afraid to cry when it gets to be too much.’ 

 

“No!” Neil yelps. 

 

Andrews hands keep Neil from lashing out but he jumps from the table. He spins to face the threat and puts Andrew behind him, protecting his back. Cassie turns off the needle gun and Neil can hear Andrew again. 

 

“Breath, Neil. You're okay. You're in some stupid tattoo shop in Palmetto. Breath.” 

 

Neil nods after a moment, staring at Andrew to ground him. “I'm fine.” 

 

Andrew stares blankly at Neil for a moment before the blonde nods, too. He grips Neil's hands tighter, and allows Neil to squeeze back. 

 

“I'm fine. Go ahead.” Neil says to the woman. She lets him know when she starts the gun back up, and before she takes it to his skin. Andrew stares at her, waiting for her to make a wrong move or some sort of mistake. He's still watching Neil's back. 

 

It doesn't hurt as much as before, probably because he isn't fighting against hands and Riki's blade against his flesh. It's not so bad, with the music playing overhead and Andrew glaring in front of him. It gives Neil things to center himself with. He thinks about what he wants to cover the words. He knows better than to cover the number on his face-- Riko had warned him against it. But he hates the thought of the words on his skin. It makes his flesh crawl. Neil is nobodies whore, he does not belong to Riko. He belongs to nobody. 

 

He hadn't lied when he said he didn't swing. He only wanted Andrew. Just Andrew. Curious, he had searched the Internet at the library about his sexuality. Demisexual, is what he had settled upon. There were a lot to choose from-- he supposed he thought of himself as asexual before he met Andrew, but Neil had never been allowed to make emotional connections with anyone before. 

 

Neil wonders if Cassie could cover ‘Raven Whore’ with the Demisexual pride flag. It's a little bland, with some grey and white he hopes can cover the dark ink. 

 

“Would a Demisexual flag cover everything?” Neil stares at Andrew, careful to remain still. 

 

“Hmm.” The woman pauses to think for a moment. If she did it large enough, the white would be above the lettering. “That could work. Which side do you want it over?” 

 

“The left.” The side that says Raven Whore. It seems fitting. 

 

“Okay. Any ideas for the right side yet?” 

 

“You could do a gravestone, because he's dead the next time I see him.” Andrew says in a dangerously flat tone. Neil shivers at the protectiveness Andrew holds for him. Neil gives his hand a quick squeeze. 

 

“A Fox. I'm a fox. I'll never be a Raven-- I'll never be Riko’s. Not by choice.” Neil says it so softly that only Andrew can hear the words above the whirring of the needle gun. 

 

“Exy junkie.” 

 

Neil shrugs. Better to be a Fox junkie than a Raven. The needle stings over his still tender scars, but for once this is a good kind of pain. It's a pain he chooses for himself and the difference makes it bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I love your reviews and comments so so much!!! I'm trying to avoid Neil going to Bee, because he just does NOT speak the woman, in the books. And Nora's extra content. Maybe I will but it will be... vague? Brief? Whatever Neil occasionally chooses to tell Betsy will only ever be sparse.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada!!!! Some filler. And a little stress relief:)

Tuesday was fine except Andrew was paired with some buzz-cut asshole who claimed he wanted to be a cop so he could carry a gun. The project would be due on Monday and he only had to sit next to the fucker during class, so he won't bother planning a grave sight for the bastard. 

 

Instead he does his work in glaring silence and tells Conner to fuck off when he gets too annoying with his incessant chatter. He was worse than Nicky. On Wednesday Conner has the balls to grab Andrew by the shoulder on the way out of the room, and Andrew punches the fuck in the face. He doesn't bother Andrew for a while. 

 

Neil, on the other hand, is decidedly less easy to deter. He sticks to Andrew like glue when he can, not that he minds. At least, he doesn't mind until Alison basically drags Neil away after evening practice on Wednesday. 

 

“I'm sick of looking at that choppy mess. I've already made you an appointment with Genevieve. You're going whether you want to or not-- bring your monster if you must.” 

 

“He's not a monster.” Neil says, evading her reaching hand. 

 

“Whatever. I'll swing back by in a few minutes-- go change.” She flicks her nails at him. 

 

Neil showers and steps out for Andrew to help with the Aquaphor on his tattoos. He dresses in a long shirt with the blue jacket and let's Andrew know where he's going. Andrew stays because Neil doesn't even bother asking him to come with. He should be fine with Alison, and a haircut shouldn't take long. She drives them to a salon and demands a girl named Genevieve. A haughty looking woman walks over in heels nearly as tall as Alison's, looking sleek and fierce. She looks Neil up and down in appraisal. 

 

“You know that's a girls jacket, right? Like, for women.” 

 

“I'm not paying you for fashion advice,” Alison snaps. “That's why I'm here. Shut up and give this boy a pretty undercut. Don't touch his bangs or his boyfriend will kill you.” 

 

The woman glares at Alison and leads them to a chair. He hands the jacket back to Alison, it's rightful owner. He briefly wonders if she will keep it, or if she will give it back to him. Neil forces himself to sit and allow the hairdresser to stand behind him. It's hard to trust having someone so close to his back, towering over him with sharp metal. Neil's hands are clenched in his jeans and he watches the woman move behind him in the mirror. 

 

“Boy, did you do this? It looks like you went at your hair with a weed whacker.” She purses her lips, glaring hard as if his haircut offends her. 

 

For some reason, the comment brings a twinge of embarrassment to his chest. The Foxes hadn't mentioned it until Alison, earlier. He thought it must not be that bad. He had foolishly taken the scissors to his hair mid-panic, in some desperate attempt to reclaim his body. Because he could sometimes feel the ghost of hands pulling at it, calling him pretty. Not because he was crazy. The woman looks down at him through the mirror. 

 

“Hey! You don't talk to him like that. In fact, I don't care if you're the best hairdresser in town, if you say another word to him I will ruin you. Now leave-- I don't want to see you again. Send someone competent, you judgmental bitch.” Alison gives the woman a scathing look as she walks away, but keeps from making a bigger scene, for Neil's sake. 

 

Five minutes later an amused looking man walks over to help them and passes Alison a knowing wink. “Girl, it's about time someone said it. Now-- how may I help you two dolls?” 

 

“Make red look pretty. I'm thinking an undercut. He likes his bangs, but maybe just a little trim on top. And we could change the color too?” The last part is aimed at Neil. He's surprised that Alison noticed how he avoided his own reflection. He wants to take her offer, but he knows better. After a moment, he shakes his head. 

 

Alison huffs, her eyes narrowing. “Maroon?” 

 

Maroon was close to the natural Auburn color Riko had it dyed. Different enough that it doesn't remind Neil of his father, and close enough that Riko shouldn't notice. He nods. Alison watches Phil, the hairdresser, like a hawk. He's much more respectful of Neil's space after he flinches at the first touch. His hands are careful in Neil's hair, buzzing the back and sides short, and leaving the top shaggy enough to cover his eyes, even after the trim. They dye it a few shades darker, the hint of purple making all the difference. Still, he barely glances in the mirror to check. 

 

“So, the tattoo is new,” Alison mentions as they leave the salon. She hands the blue jacket back to him. She must have caught a peak of it earlier. 

 

“Yeah. I got them Monday. Andrew made me an appointment.” 

 

“More than one? You said *them*. What did you get?” Alison sounds more invested in his tattoos than Neil is. 

 

“Fox paws.” 

 

She nods, grinning. “You just won me fifty dollars.” 

 

Neil shakes his head-- he doesn't want to know who was dumb enough to bet against Alison. 

 

 

 

Thursday morning practice goes well. Everyone tells Neil how pretty his hair looks, and Andrew keeps both Nicky and Matt from coming close to rub it. Dan lets Neil run to his heart's content, and by the end of practice he feels better than he has in days. Andrew likes his hair, Neil can tell from the sideways glances Andrew spares him as they walk together, in the way that Andrew asks ‘yes or no’ before he runs a gentle hand through Neil's bangs. Neil thinks about the kiss and wonders how he could get another. 

 

Somewhere between class and the walk to meet Andrew at the cafeteria, Neil hears a voice talking not far away. It's the name that gets Neil's attention. Some tall guy with a bulbous nose and squinty eyes is talking to his friend. 

 

“Yeah, that little fuck Minyard punched me. Feisty little bitch.” 

 

“Rejected!” His friend laughs. 

 

“He just needs someone to hold him down and give him a good fuck. Show him where he bel-” 

 

Neil doesn't let him finish the sentence. He walks over and swings a fist up into the guy's face. He feels flesh give under his mouth, and the boy stumbles back. Neil can't hear the yelling past the blood rushing in his ears. He swings again, knowing the guy to the ground. Neil pounces on him, swinging. He gets in a few more hits before someone is dragging him away. 

 

Neil fights against the hands holding him back. He kicks at least a few people in the stomach and he doesn't stop fighting until someone catches his flying fist and he recognizes the voice in his ear. Renee. 

 

“Neil, it's okay. I'll just bring you to Andrew. Is that okay?” Neil nods and lets Renee pull him away from the gathering crowd. 

 

He chances a look back. The guys face is bloody, his nose crooked and lips swelling and busted open. It doesn't look like he will be talking so freely any time soon. Renee leads him to the dorms rather than the cafeteria. She texts Andrew and brings Neil a wet cloth to wash his hands with. He changed into a shirt without blood on it before Andrew comes back. The blonde slams the door open with a scowl. 

 

“What did you do?” He stalks up to Neil and takes the bag of ice off of his hand to examine the swelling bruises. Of course Kevin comes barreling in behind Andrew. 

 

“If you hurt your hand and can't play--” 

 

“Kevin, shut up. Renee, take him away before I kill him.” 

 

Renee ushers Kevin out. Something she says keeps him from coming back in. 

 

“He deserved it.” Neil defends himself before Andrew can accuse him of something. 

 

“You're an idiot.” He figures that if Neil started throwing punches, it was probably well deserved. 

 

“Did he insult your Exy racquet?” Andrew asks in that dry tone Neil recognizes as sarcasm. 

 

“He was talking about you. I didn't like what he was saying.” 

 

Andrew glares, and squeezes Neil's hand painfully, so the bruised bones grind together. Neil takes a sharp breath but doesn't say anything, and doesn't try to pull away. 

 

Neil is always too quick to throw himself in front of trains for Andrew. He's a fucking martyr and it's driving Andrew crazy. He doesn't know how to handle it when someone takes a stand for him. Not once has anyone fought for Andrew, or tried to protect him. He isn't sure he likes it, Neil being hurt on Andrew's behalf. 

 

“You do not defend me.” 

 

Neil shrugs. “You protect me. It seems like even trade.” 

 

“That isn't our deal.” 

 

“I know. But I don't care. I would do it all again, if I had to.” 

 

This kid is unreal. “Idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think?


	22. Chapter 22

On Friday, they play against Kansas. That means an all day drive on the bus. After the game, the unknown number texted him ‘42’. 

 

The following Wednesday, the real win happened. Aaron and Andrew went to talk with Betsy. Neil's chest flutters with satisfaction at seeing his scheme work, and hope for what the Foxes could become once the twins overcame whatever was between them. Aaron avoids them for the rest of the week. Andrew looks mostly unaffected. 

 

They don't go to Columbia on Friday. Nicky and Andrew play some creepy video game while Neil holes up in the bedroom to watch Exy plays with Kevin. The scrutinize UVM for faults they could exploit in the game. 

 

Nicky barges in two hours later, and demands ice cream. Neil idly wonders if Andrew put him up to this before deciding it didn't matter. He's half way to turning Nicky down when his phone buzzes…’35’. When he looks up again Andrew is hovering behind Nicky, looking down at Neil with this particular look. It reminds Neil of Nicky, telling him Exy would never be enough. That Exy couldn't give you inspiration or love or pick you up from the airport in the middle of the night. Andrew doesn't need Exy. Right now he needs ice cream. It's Andrew that has given Neil the courage to stay and build something close to a ‘home’. The least Neil can do to repay him is to fetch ice cream at midnight. 

 

“What flavor do you want?” He asks Kevin, which is obviously a yes to their midnight adventure. 

 

Kevin pouts, but Neil doesn't care right now. Kevin will still be alive in May. Neil won't be, and right now he wants to be with Andrew. Fuck what Kevin wants. 

 

They don't talk to each other but that's okay. Nicky calls Erik and talks for most of the drive, anyway. Andrew fills the basket with pints of ice cream, like he's hoarding some for later. Neil knows they won't last through Monday. He noticed that Andrew prefers the chocolatiest ones. When they return, Kevin is in their room and Nicky gets up to fetch some movies from Matt. 

 

Andrew sits quietly. Neil stares at Andrew's hands rolling the ice cream to soften it. He wonders if now is a bad time to take a turn.

 

“Question.” He waits for Andrew to look at him before he continues. “When you said you didn't like being touched, is it because you don't like it at all, or because you don't trust anyone enough to let them touch you?” 

 

“It doesn't matter.” Andrew avoids the question. But Neil needs to know. He wants to learn what it takes to earn another kiss from him. 

 

“If it didn't, I wouldn't ask.” 

 

“It doesn't matter to a man who doesn't swing.” Andrew says, dryly. 

 

“I don't because I've never been allowed to. The only thing I could think about growing up was surviving.” It's the truth, close to the grey area where he has left Andrew in the dark about things. His mother had beat him for kissing that girl, if he even looked at a woman too long she would punish him. But Andrew was safe, Andrew would never do the things the Ravens had done. He was safe to think about, to look at and admire as long as Andrew let him. “I trust you.” 

 

“You shouldn't,” Andrew corrects him immediately. Neil knows Andrew is a fighter, will cut someone from groin to throat if he had the reason to. But Neil wonders when Andrew started thinking that he wasn't trustworthy. 

 

“Says the man who stopped,” Neil reminds him. During their rooftop kiss, Andrew had pulled away, fearing that he was pressing Neil too far. He was afraid of taking advantage while Neil was shaken and fractured from his time at Evermore. 

 

Neil continues, “I don't understand it, and I don't know what I'm doing. But I don't want to ignore it just because it's new. So are you completely off limits, or are there any safe zones?” 

 

The last thing Neil wants to do is hurt Andrew, even inadvertently. Especially inadvertently. True to fashion, Andrew snarled at anything good. 

 

“What are you hoping for, coordinates?” 

 

“I'm hoping to know where the lines are before I cross them. But I'm open to suggestions if you want me to go get a marker. That's not a bad idea,” Neil teases. 

 

“Everything about you is a bad idea.” 

 

Neil is too good to be real. He's like some dream, or a character Andrew had only ever read about in books. Too damn good to be real. He feels like he's still on the drugs, sometimes. 

 

“I'm still waiting for an answer.” 

 

“I'm still waiting on a yes or no, I actually believe.” 

 

“Yes.” Neil leans forward and waits for Andrew to close the gap for a kiss. 

 

“It's fine if you hate me,” Neil says. And it's true. As long as Andrew wants this, it's fine. Andrew is nearly a sociopath, he won't care when Neil dies in a few months. He stops when Neil wants him to, and doesn't hold him down. Andrew is safe to explore these new feelings with, for now. 

 

“Good because I do.” Andrew hates Neil 90% of the time-- he hates that Neil has worked through the armor Andrew had built around himself. He hates that Neil can make him weak. He hates that Neil was willing to sacrifice himself to keep him safe. The other 10% of the time is some indescribable feeling that Andrew doesn't want to let go of. 

 

Neil lets Andrew push him down to the carpet. One hand gently holds Neil's wrists above his head in a beg for control. Andrew's eyes ask the question, and Neil nods. This is okay. Neil knows he can pull away, that Andrew will listen if Neil tells him no. So he lets Andrew take the control he needs in order to make this work. 

 

“Stay.” Andrew tells him. He kisses Neil again, hard and unyielding and warm. 

 

Neil had nearly forgotten how good it felt to be touched without feeling pain. He had forgotten what another body felt like, warm and hard against his own. Andrew's lips are soft and his mouth thorough as he searches Neil's. They kiss until Neil's lips are numb and his hands tremble-- they shake nearly constantly, anymore. They have to pull away when Nicky returns. Neil understands now why his mother kept him from getting too close. Kisses with Andrew were incredibly distracting. 

 

 

 

The rest of the week is tense. The game on Friday is their death match against UMV. It starts rough and gets rougher. The second half, Kevin and Neil are up against a fresh backliner and were struggling. Neil's tail had six inches and forty pounds on him. When he checks Neil, he skids along the floor. Finally, it's Nicky that makes everything snap. Andrew calls him over and speaks where nobody can hear them. 

 

Neil is too busy with the game to pay attention, but from the side of his vision Nicky trips up his rival with an obviously illegal move. When the player stands again, he comes at Nicky with his fists. Andrew is there in an instant to separate them with his racket before Nicky got hit. Matt and another Catamount intervened before the guy could take a swing at Andrew. Neil thinks Andrew might have enjoyed a fight to alleviate the boredom. 

 

Nicky walks off the court with fists raised in triumph and a splitting grin. As Andrew intended, they lined up for a foul shot. Andrew bats the ball to Neil and he bolts down the court like his father is on his heals with his favored axe. He fired at the goal just before he collides into the wall. The goal lights red and Neil ignores the pain. He jogs down to Andrew to call him out on Nicky's move. The mix of adrenaline and Andrew makes him grin. The Foxes win. 

 

 

The celebratory party at Abby's was fine. Matt, Nicky, and Alison commandeered her speakers and Aaron shot flares his way whenever he got the chance. Neil goes outside to find Renee and Andrew. Renee leaves and then it's just Neil and Andrew on the hood of the maserati. 

 

Neil hates the apathetic pout that rests on Andrew's face. “We won,” he feels the need to point out. It doesn't change the look on his face. “Would it kill you to let something in?” Would it hurt to let himself feel something other than anger? 

 

“It almost did last time.” 

 

Neil winces as he realizes his mistake. He almost reaches for Andrew before he remembers not to. The black bands cover his scars, but Andrew had cut himself to pieces trying to keep Cass Spear. In an effort to cope with what their son was doing to Andrew. 

 

“This is different. The only one in your way now is you. You really could be Court one day, but you can't get there if you won't try.” 

 

But Andrew doesn't want to talk about Exy. Neil and Kevin seem incapable of understanding that Andrew doesn't care. Exy is another dream too good for Andrew to have. He is destined to live in the gutter former. Aaron had said it before: Minards don't get higher than rock bottom. Nicky interrupts and Neil misses his chance. His phone vibrates a text alert. 

 

‘28’

 

This time Neil is angry enough to text back, ‘Enough.’


	23. Chapter 23

Coach kept the team on their toes until Thursday when the reporters showed up. Kevin was so charming it made Neil want to laugh, but instead he avoided the cameras as much as possible. Of course, it wasn't his fault a microphone was shoved into his face. Then they asked him about the Ravens. And then about Riko. 

 

And then Neil says, “I think they should start by demanding Coach Moriyama's resignation.” 

 

Kevin makes a disturbing noise and dashes to the lockers. Neil doesn't see him for the rest of the day. Neil suspects he hides at Wymack's. That leaves the suits alone to Neil and Andrew that night. 

 

They debate about the Moriyamas and the possible outcomes and retaliation for Neil's loud mouth. 

 

“The thought that you unintentionally conned them into this corner is intolerable, as it means you are stupider than even I gave you credit for. Is you did it knowingly, however, you're cleverer than you led me to believe. That means the Ravens aren't the only ones you're playing with. One of these is the lesser evil.” 

 

“Not everything is a con.” Neil says. It's obvious Andrew doesn't believe him, and Neil doesn't blame him. In their world, nearly everything is a lie. “Which one is the lesser evil?” 

 

“I'm undecided.” 

 

“That's helpful. You could just ask.” 

 

“Why bother? I'll figure it out eventually.” 

 

That Andrew doesn't trust Neil is only mildly hurtful, but only because Neil can understand what Andrew has gone through. The blonde grabs a beer from the fridge and clicks the tab at Neil's cheek. It's been over a week since their last kiss. His fingers are chilly from the can as they reach up to cup Neil's cheek. Andrew gives him plenty of time to pull away but Neil stays. 

 

“Yes or no?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

Neil shoves his hands deep in his pockets at Andrew's pointed look. He leans into Andrew's kiss, letting the blonde bite at his lips and caress with his tongue. Neil lets his mind go blank, the entire world shrinking to Andrew's kisses. His knees shake under him as he is kissed senseless. Andrew's hand presses gently on Neil's abdomen. He lets himself be backed against the wall, protected by Andrew. 

 

His phone buzzes the daily countdown and Neil throws it away from them. He chances a kiss to Andrew's neck to focus their attention back. Andrew shutters and pushes him back. Hands rub his back, down to his hips, back up to his shoulders. Andrew had his hands on Neil's skin before, but this was different. This wasn't because Andrew was nursing wounds or taking care of his tattoos. This was new and intimate and felt like sparks across Neil's skin. 

 

Neil thinks he wants to nap Andrew's skin like Andrew knows his. He wants to find the softest spots, and the pieces that make him shake. He wants to learn him in a way he hasn't considered before. Neil is used to being touched, to touch bringing pain. But Andrew makes it good, and Neil wants to explore this new territory. 

 

As if Andrew could read his mind, he pulls Neil's hands from his pockets and leads them to his head. 

 

“Just here,” Andrew warns him. 

 

“Okay.” Its as good as a promise. 

 

Neil threads his fingers through Andrew's soft hair. His touch is soft at first, and he learns he can guide Andrew into more kisses. He's enthusiastic, but seems content to just kiss. It gives Andrew the power to lower his hands to Neil's jeans. He flicks at the hem with meaning. 

 

“You can tell me to stop,” Andrew has to remind him. Sometimes the idiot can be a martyr. 

 

“This is okay. This is good. It's you, Andrew.” 

 

Andrew glares at him like he can't believe him. How can a boy who ‘doesn't swing’, who was raped only weeks ago, be okay with this? ‘Because it's him’, of all reasons. Neil can't be real. 

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because it's you.” Neil says like it answers everything. 

 

“You were a virgin. You weren't even interested in sex and that was before Christmas. That sort of thing tends to scar your psych, nine out of ten psychos would agree.” 

 

Neil nods. “But it's different, right? Consenting sex and what Riko did. I mean, if it really hurt Nicky wouldn't be so obsessed with it. So it has to be different, from what the Ravens did. I don't think that counts. Besides, you wouldn't hurt anyone, by in that way. You would just stab me, and get it over with.” Neil's lips even quirk up. He seems remarkably sure about this theory of his. 

 

“Okay. But you say no, and I will stop. Don't pull any of that martyr shit.” 

 

Neil nods, his mouth pressed like he's trying not to smile. “Okay. Yes.” 

 

Andrew kisses him again before he flicks open the button and zipper on Neil's jeans. His hand is rough and warm as he strokes Neil is quick, efficient movements that make Neil keen. Neil's hands tighten in his hair, and their kisses turn sloppy and hard. The hand twists across Neil's slit and he cums with Andrew's name on his tongue. 

 

Neil doesn't want to be left alone after, but Andrew pushes him back and locks himself in the bathroom. The euphoria is shattered by this sick feeling of unexpected dread. Neil is left alone in his filthy boxers, his legs still shaking from his orgasm. He lets himself slide down the wall. Logically, he knows that Andrew just needs some space right now. 

 

But that doesn't stop Jean's voice from whispering though his ear, *I hate you. Hurry and finish before you make it worse.* jeans hands on him, gentle like he doesn't want to touch. Other hands tearing at him, bruising him and holding him down. Jean, dumping Neil in a shower and then leaving him alone so he can shower himself too. 

 

The tremors expand over his body as Neil is stuck in louped memories of Evermore. He doesn't realize he's sat there for longer than it takes Andrew to finish himself off, shower and dress. He finds Neil where he left him, eyes clenched shut and cheeks wet. His hands pull at his own hair. 

 

“Neil.”

 

He waits for Neil to look at him. It takes a few minutes for Neil to respond. His eyes are wide and watery in an unconscious way. 

 

“You should have told me to stop.” 

 

Neil shakes his head slowly, still pulling at hair hair hard enough to tear pieces out. 

 

“Stop that.” Andrew hands are careful on Neil's wrists, pulling his hands away, where he can't hurt himself. 

 

“Never make yourself push past your limits for anybody. Especially not me. Do you understand?” 

 

Neil nods. His voice is thick. “It wasn't you. I mean-- that was good. Great. I just-- I remembered Jean. After. Being left alone was too much. I'm sorry.” 

 

“Tell me next time, instead of thinking yourself into a panic attack. Go take a shower. You smell.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy a fluffy filler before all he angst begins :)

The day that Kengo gets admitted to the hospital, Neil's head is a storm of dark thoughts. He think is his father, probably pacing with the news. Andrew is quick and dangerous. Last year Neil had been willing to let him try to keep Nathan at bay, so long as Neil could play Exy. Now, he isn't so sure that he wants Andrew in the way. 

 

He doesn't want Andrew hurt. Not ever again, not if Neil can help it. He had gone to Evermore in effort to keep Andrew safe. Neil was living on stolen time, he was a dead man walking. Neil is expendable. Andrew is not, not anymore. 

 

He stares at Andrew. They're curled on the couch together, as much space as possible between them. 

 

“Problem?” Andrew asks, even though his eyes are closed. He seems so unconcerned. 

 

“No… Andrew. Last summer you made me a promise. I want you to break it.” He's getting used to asking, and getting what he wants now-- in general, not only with Andrew. Before, Neil's opinion had hardly mattered-- his mother chose where they lived, where they ate, what they wore, when they slept. Now Neil has people that listen when he asks things, Andrew in particular. 

 

“No.” 

 

“You said you'd stick with me if I kept Kevin south, but Kevin doesn't need me anymore. He chose us over the Ravens because as a whole we're finally worth his time. There's nothing else I can give you in exchange for your protection.” 

 

“I will think of something.” Because if Andrew doesn't have a reason to keep Neil close, he will have to let Neil go. And for some reason, the thought bothers him. 

 

“I don't want you to. I need you to let me go.” 

 

“Give me one good reason.” 

 

“If I'm hiding behind you, I'm still running. I don't want to end the year like this. I want to stand on my own two feet. Let me do that. None of this means anything if I don't.” 

 

“The last time I left you alone, you went running to Riko. I'm not letting that happen again.” 

 

Andrew has had nightmares about what Riko had done. His dreams have always betrayed him, twisting reality and memories into nightmares. Neil, small and screaming beneath too many men. Drake, larger than life, telling Andrew how pretty his boyfriend is. Real Andrew knows he isn't anyone's boyfriend, he has no claim on anything; But Dream Drake twists the word into something like longing. Or hunger. There's always so much screaming, in his nightmares. 

 

He dozes off on the couch-- they both do. They curl into their respective corners and fall asleep to the smell of the coffee maker. Andrew wakes with someone's alarm, to find Neil startled awake across from him. Andrew closes his eyes and lets himself sleep again, knowing that he's safe here, with his knives reassuring on his wrist and Neil dozing in front of him. He is pleased when Neil falls back to sleep beside him. They're safe here. 

 

________________________

 

The Foxes were scheduled to play Nevada on Friday. Neil was busy with first morning practice, then school, and afternoon practice. They are dinner as a team, though they still tended to gravitate to their separate groups, with Neil floating somewhere in the middle of it all. They had stopped walking him to classes by now, and had therefore stopped asking *why* they had needed to walk Neil to classes. After dinner, Neil and Kevin returned to the court for more drills, where they often stayed late. After, he would meet Andrew on the roof where they gravitated to decompressed from the day. And makeout. 

 

He would find Andrew with a cigarette and a bottle of alcohol. Sometimes the night was still cool enough to wear coats, but they often wound up being shed in favor of touching. Andrew was warm enough for them both, hot hands under Neil's shirt and hot tongue in his mouth, and eager ‘yes’es. He let Neil tangle his hands in his hair, and stroke along his shoulders. Every new little thing Andrew taught him was good, was presented with ‘yes or no?’ Every move was done carefully, though not gently. Andrew was all rough edges; gnashing teeth and bruising hands, the smell of cigarettes and the taste of whiskey. 

 

It's mostly kissing and careful touches until Thursday. When Neil dates to dream about a future where his father is dead and Neil is *alive* and he's free of the Moriyamas. He dares to dream of Colorado, of summer road trips and vacations with Andrew. 

 

“This isn't worthless,” Neil dares to say. 

 

“There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.” 

 

“And I am nothing.” Dozens of names across twenty two cities in sixteen countries; a ghost. A dead boy. “And as you've said, you want nothing.” 

 

Andrew doesn't know what to say, his mind is tangled in angry little knots. Fuck Neil for always knowing what to say; for daring to understand Andrew. For making Andrew want him. For making him weak. He's too good to be real. 

 

“That's a first. Do I get a prize for shutting you up?” 

 

“A quick death. I've already decided where to hide your body.” 

 

“Six feet under?” 

 

‘Smartass,’ Andrew thinks. “Stop talking,” he says. 

 

_________________________


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few angsty chapters. Sorry.

On Friday morning, Andrew and Neil are woken by Nicky pounding on the door, frantically. Neil answers with a little frown. Nicky doesn't comment on how cute Neil's messy hair and sleepy eyes look. Actually, Nicky looks as serious, and as sick, as he did that day at the Hemmick house, when he had seen Andrew in that bedroom. He doesn't say anything, just thrusts the phone to Neil. 

 

“I'm so sorry,” Nicky whispers. It looks like he's been crying. It looks like he's close to tears now, his eyes welling and red. 

 

Andrew takes it from Nickys hand. It takes some scrolling to understand what he's seeing. An anonymous post filled with graphically uncensored photos of Neils time in Evermore. Andrew scrolls through them with that same bored expression, if only because he wants to know exactly what he will be killing Riko for. 

 

“Let me see,” Neil puts his hand out for the phone. Andrew doesn't care enough to not, so he passes it over. Neil lived through it, after all. He should be able to handle a few photos. 

 

“Neil, you might not want to-” Andrew pushes Nicky out of the room and slams the door in his face. 

 

Neil stares hard at the phone. He makes himself flip through all of the photos. There are only four-- Neil on his knees, Neil on his hands and knees, bent over to accommodate the man in front of him and one behind; Neil on a bed. One photo is so painfully explicit that it hurts to look at. Neil covered in bruises and hickeys and cum. 

 

They're obviously stills taken from a video. It's edited to Neil is painfully clear, but the Ravens are indistinguishable. There are no faces, no tattoos, no birthmarks or telling freckles. Even the background is edited to unrecognition. Neil's tattoos are gone, his hair is still black. There's no way to tie the men in the photo to the Ravens. The Foxes striker is the only recognizable thing, and even that isn't a pretty picture. They're posted on a porn site. 

 

Posted online.   
For everyone to see. 

 

Oh god. Neil clutches at his hair. He is going to lose his scholarship. Not even Coach Wymack would keep someone as fucked up as Neil after this. They're going to tear up his contract and kick him out. He'll have to sign with the Ravens, or risk running. He wouldn't last long on his own, the Moriyamas would kill him if it looked like he was running away. Or his fathers men would find him. 

 

Nobody but the Ravens will take Neil now. He has to go back to Riko. Maybe if he packs and leaves right now-- no. He had promised Andrew no more running. Wymack had promised that he would never give up on him. Now, Neil had to trust that Andrew was enough to have his back, that Wymack would keep his word. But would the rest of the Foxes even want him? 

 

“Neil.” Andrew glares at him. 

 

“I'm fine.” He remembers to breathe. The phone screen has gone dark in his hand. 

 

Andrew's phone rings. “Coach. If you're calling to inform me of our latest crisis, you're too late.”

 

“I need to talk to Neil-- and everyone else. Bring your monsters to the court. Team meeting in fifteen minutes.” 

 

Andrew takes the phone and wakes Kevin with a glass of iced water, and then drags him to the court in wet clothes. 

 

“What the fuck, Andrew?” Kevin bitches. 

 

“Coach called a team meeting.” Andrew throws nickys phone at Kevin. Growing up with Riko, he doubt this is anything Kevin hasn't seen before. This would have happened before, probably to Jean or some of the younger Raven recruits. Possibly even to Kevin-- if Riko would break his hand, what else would he do?

 

It takes Kevin longer than it should, to comprehend what he was seeing. Andrew blames it on the sleep, but is impatient nonetheless. Understanding and horror paint over Kevin's face first-- and then something like guilt or shame. He drops the phone. Andrew picks it up to pocket it. 

 

“Something you want to say before we join the other vermin?”

 

Kevin shakes his head, now bowed low. He follows Andrew obediently. He doesn't look up to look at Neil, at all. Neil silently shrugs on his blue sweater and pulls at his bangs-- darker now, maroon not Nathaniel's auburn. Nicky fetches Aaron in exchange for his phones safe return. Neil is sure to claim the front seat, as was becoming the norm. 

 

The monsters beat the upperclassmen there. Coach is in the commons between locker rooms with the news on tv. He mutes it when Andrew leads the way in. 

 

He looks at Aaron and Nicky. “You two can wait outside. Hold the others up until someone gets you.” 

 

“Yes coach,” Aaron drags Nicky away before he can do something stupid, like try to hug Neil, and have Andrew cut him. 

 

Wymack turns to his two most problematic players now. He considers Neil for a moment, tense like waiting for a physical blow. But notably not flinching. 

 

“Do you want Andrew to stay?” 

 

Neil nods. “Yes.” Then he tugs at his hair. 

 

“Okay, so you've seen the news. I've already called the College President, and we have our lawyers looking at taking the pictures down. 

 

“Look, kid. I'm going to assume that all of this mess has something to do with the Moriyamas, and Christmas break. And I'm supposed to stay out of your personal lives-- my job is to be your coach, to make sure you go on that court in one piece. Neil, I need to know if this is going to affect your game.” 

 

“No, coach. I'm fine.” Neil's voice is hollow. Andrew hates those words, but he isn't surprised. Junky. 

 

“I don't know how, but I'm going to take your word on it. For now. But if you need taken out of the game, we can arrange something. You should probably go see Betsy, but I can't make you.”

 

Neil waits for more, but there isn't. “Oh. You're not kicking me off the team?” 

 

“Kid, you're not the first sportsman to have a sex scandal released.” Wymack looks old, stressed. “And I doubt that this is quite the same. I don't know what happened at Evermore, but you can keep your secrets until May. What you tell the press is up to you. You know they're going to ask all about it, the bastard leeches. And I'll back whatever you have to say. We're your team, Neil. We've got your back. None of the dirty tricks the Ravens try will work, as long as you don't sign on the line.” 

 

“Thank you,” Neil says in shock. He had come in prepared to watch his contract shredded. 

 

“Go on, get the others. We need to discuss how our team is going to handle this. We need to get this under control before the press explodes.” 

 

Slowly the rest of the Foxes stumble in, in various degrees of dressed. They're only functioning so well this early because of their concern for Neil. By now, Nicky had shown the photos to those who dared to look. They all look at Neil with solemn faces, and even Nicky and Matt kept their hands to themselves. Then they look to Andrew, standing protectively behind Neil a hand on the back of his neck. He glares mildly at the others, daring them to say something stupid so he can gut them. 

 

“Neil,” Nicky whines like he's going to start crying again. Aaron holds him back. 

 

“Neil, was that taken over Christmas? Is that real?” Allison demands. She knows all too well what photoshop can do. She looks floored when Neil nods slowly. Kevin is avoiding everyone's looks towards him. 

 

“Neil, are-- sorry, dumb question. Is there anything we can do?” Dan asks. 

 

“Like sue whoever put Neil's naked ass on the internet,” Allison threatens, voice cold. Her words are painfully blunt. Neil flinches back into Andrew hand. 

 

“What do you need from us?” Matt turns to Andrew now, instead of coach. It's obvious who is in charge of Neil's health. “We can walk him to class again, or--”

 

“Neil is excused from class today, I'll take care of it.”

 

“I'm fine. You don't need to-” Neil starts, but Andrew shushes him. 

 

The team doesn't need it explained that the photos are from Evermore. That things were much worse than the pictures depict. That it wasn't some bdsm party, it was rape. It goes unsaid. They don't need Andrew or coach to tell them to rally around Neil. They'll do whatever they can to help their strange little Fox. 

 

They know that the news will be crawling the campus today, hounding the Foxes with questions. They agree to let Wymack handle the attention, agree to ‘no comment’, despite the rage building on their friend's behalf. At the accusations that the team would do that to Neil. At the people who implied Neil wanted it. They know how the pictures looks, but did no one even look at Neil face in those photos? 

 

Neil and Andrew would let Wymack handle it, for now. He would lie low and pretend it didn't effect him. He knows Riko posted it last night in hopes of unsettling Neil before tonight's game. This is a cheap trick to knock Neil off his feet-- which means Riko is nervous about the Foxes chances of winning. Of having to face them in championships. 

 

Coach lets them leave after everyone promises to keep their mouths shut and to stay away from reporters. They all walk back to the tower to get ready for class. Andrew tries to stay for class but Neil shrugs him off. 

 

“I'm fine, really. You won't be able to play if you don't show up for class today. Coach has enough on his plate, with those photos. He probably won't appreciate you skipping class, on top of everything.” 

 

So Andrew shrugs and leaves. Kevin still refuses to meet Neil's eyes, and follows after him even though his class doesn't start for another hour. Neil is left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think?? daiseycastiel gave me the kick in the ass I needed to finish this bad boy up. Please please comment! I love all of the comments!!


	26. Chapter 26

… guys… angry Neil?  
MUAHAHAHA!

 

In the dorms, Neil tries to go back to sleep, but his heart pounds in his chest, his palms are clammy, and his mind races. His nerves are too sensitive, and his skin is too tight. His hands are shaking, trembling fisted in his sleep pants like they might fall off if he doesn't grasp them. It's the memories that force him out of bed. The mattress feels suddenly too hard, and he has to run at his wrists to make sure he doesn't feel the sting of the cuffs there. 

 

He's tired of feeling like this-- held down. Tired. Trapped. Is this how Andrew felt? He hopes not, but the scars on Andrew's wrists tell him differently. 

 

Everyone knows. His team knows that he let Riko cuff him down and fuck him. That nearly half of the Ravens have fucked Neil. God, he can still feel their hands some days. Can still feel other things, forced inside him. It makes him shake. If they don't win, Neil has to go to Evermore, or run. And now he isn't sure he would survive either one.

 

Neil wonders if he should kill himself before Riko can rape him again. He told Neil in graphic detail what he planned to do once Neil became a Raven. And he would react well to the Fox tattoos all down his back side, from shoulders to thighs. Riko would probably skin them off like he had done he insides of Neil's thighs. The skin had grown back thick and rough, a strange combination of numb and overly sensitive skin. Some days they burned. Some days they were completely numb. 

 

Neil wants to go to the roof, but doesn't dare. Not without Andrew, not while these dangerous thoughts threaten to push him over the edge. 

 

He wants to run, but he doesn't want to draw attention with his Exy hoodie, or the blue one Allison had ‘given’ him. He slips out of bed and into sweatpants. He borrows one of Andrew's hoodies. It's a nondescript black, that hangs off his body with a hood to cover his face. He can't find a pocket to keep his cell, so he leaves it on his bed. 

 

He pulls the hood up before he leaves, and nobody really bothers him. He laps around perimeter road, hoping to find splice in routine. When that doesn't work, he goes a new route off campus. He jogs for as long as he dares, right before a game. When he returns to the dorm, he has about a dozen texts from the Foxes, and two from Andrew. The last text had been sent only a few minutes before, only the Foxes asking him to lunch. Neil knew he would need fuel before the game, so he showers and redressed as quickly as possible. The air feels wrong against his skin, the bareness too associated with vulnerability and pain to be comfortable. 

 

So Neil throws Andrew's hoodie on the bed and finds a long sleeved shirt and soft jeans. He borrows Andrew's hoodie again, because it needs to be washed anyway and Neil's are all orange. It's too warm out for a coat now. His scars are tender today, but the weight of the heavy material is comforting. 

 

The Foxes are in a far corner of the cafeteria. The staff is serving pasta, on account of today's game. They're too busy with work to care to look at Neil, but the few heads that recognize him swivel to follow him. People whisper to each other as he passes. He gets halfway through the room before it's a problem. 

 

Neil's head is bowed to the ground, so he doesn't see who stands up when he passes by. He does feel a large hand smack his ass with force enough to push Neil stumbling forward. 

 

Neil hears, “nice ass, pretty boy.” 

 

Neil turns sharply, swinging his arm and the plastic tray with him. He uses his momentum to smack the tray against the side of the asshole's head. It smack with a cracking sound, the cheap plastic breaking in half. The guy falls, and Neil leaps on him with angry fists and a cold smile. 

 

The crowd is stunned by Neil's sudden and violent reaction, and the striker lands a few solid punches to the man's face before arms wrap around him, trying to pull him back. 

 

Neil swings an elbow back, feels it connect with soft flesh-- a chest or a stomach. He's dropped, only for someone else to grab his wrist. Neil strikes out with a fist, and then an elbow. He knows he hit something vulnerable by the pained noise behind him. 

 

He elbows someone, and arms wrap around his waist from behind. Neil throws his head back, hitting someone's face. The mumbled curse sounds familiar. Hands fist in the back of his hoodie to yank him back, but then he drops and nobody is touching him. Andrew is in front of him, still the perfect face of apathy, even dropping blood from his lip and nose. 

 

Someone starts yelling for a nurse or something, security maybe, and Neil let's Andrew haul him up and out of the room with a hand fished in his own stolen hoody. He only lets go of his chest to grab his wrist, as if Neil needs lead along. Finally his patience with even Andrew ends, and he yanks his arm away. The blonde has a strong grip in the sweater and it nearly tears, instead of Andrew letting go. 

 

“Andrew.” 

 

The blonde ignores him, and Jews dragging him along, now with more annoyed glances and persistence. 

 

“Andrew, stop.” 

 

Andrew lets his arm drop, but they're already outside Fox Tower. 

 

“I'm fine. He didn't even got a hit in, it's fine.” 

 

Andrew scowls and raises his own hand. Neil copies him. His knuckles are red and swelling, and bleeding down his fingers and up his wrist. He just noticed how much his hands are shaking. He clenched them into fists so it stops. He follows Andrew upstairs in silence. To their suite. To the kitchen. Neil sits on the countertop and lets Andrew find the first aid kit and clean the blood off his own face. 

 

Andrew doesn't ask if Neil is okay-- he would get that annoying ‘I'm fine’ bullshit. And anyway, Andrew mostly understands. Well, not really, because Andrew never had photos posted for everyone. But Nicky and Aaron and Neil had seen the aftermath of Drake. He knows that after years of secrecy, it felt like a rug had been yanked from underneath him, once everyone knew, and had seen for their own eyes. 

 

Neil had seen Andrew naked and bleeding and vulnerable, and had hid him from sight. Andrew knew he couldn't hide Neil away, but he could help Neil control the fallout. He could bandage him up afterwards, and make sure he doesn't feel as helpless and alone and Andrew had felt. Or as Neil had probably felt, coming to Palmetto for the first time. 

 

It has not escaped the team's notice that Neil has regressed, since his return from the Nest. They noticed how Neil was standing carefully out of reach again, how he looked ready to run, kept measured distances to exits. His trembling hands were new, though Andrew had read that was a common symptom of PTSD. He had wondered why his own hands had never shaken. 

 

The upperclassmen come knocking after only a few quiet minutes. Andrew is washing the blood from Neil's hand and has to stop to answer the door. 

 

“Is he okay?” It's Renee, of course. The rest of the team stands behind them, waiting. Kevin won't meet anyone's eyes. 

 

“He'll be ‘fine’.” Andrew taunts. 

 

“Can he play tonight?” Kevin asks, daring he glance up only for a second. 

 

“Yes. He doesn't need you lot mother hening around him.” 

 

“Were his team, Andrew. We're his friends, he needs us right now.” Matt scowls down, but Andrew is as unaffected as always. He blocks the doorway. 

 

“He's going through a really tough time right now, and we're worried.” Nicky whines anxiously. 

 

“He can take care of himself. We all saw.” 

 

“We saw him take down a basketball player with a lunch tray, yeah. He probably gave the guy a concussion.” Allison drawls. “Anyone willing to bet?” 

 

“Go away.” Andrew scowls. 

 

“No! He is our friend, too, you little monster. We have every right to see him right now,” Dan says, standing tall. 

 

“It's fine, Andrew.” Neil calls from the kitchen. “You can let them in, I'm fine.” 

 

Actually, he feels a little better than before, minus the guilt for hurting Andrew. He feels angry. He's ready to take on the Tornadoes, to show Riko that *this* is where Neil belongs. He's covered Riko's name and scars, and he won't let these tricks work. He will face Riko on court, and Neil will win. He will never be beneath Riko again, in any form. The Tornadoes and other teams only stand in their way. But the Foxes will win. They have to win.


	27. Chapter 27

Angsty Fluff Filler :) 

 

 

They win against the Tornadoes, by one point. Neil does not sleep well that night. 

 

The monsters spend Saturday and Sunday in Columbia, practically banished from campus until Monday, thanks to Wymack's issues with the press, though it seems that winning the game had helped convince the school not to yank Neil's scholarship. Andrew gravitates toward wherever Neil is, a guard dog at his back. It's grounding, comforting, because he lets Neil fight his own battles, but watches Neil's back. He is careful to keep between Kevin and Neil, now. And just as careful to keep at the back of the rooms, of the groups walking, so that neither of them have people behind them. But Neil is on edge, regardless. It adds to his exhaustion, to the point where Allison and Nicky both comment on the bags under Neil's eyes. 

 

The next week was spent avoiding reporters. Alison had thrown someone's camera when they tried to interview her. Neil had taken to being escorted to class again, as to not cause a scene. Matt had punched someone that had made thrusting motions to Neil when the strikers back had been turned. The ride slurs and gestures follow Neil across campus, and only stop when he's in his suite or on the court. 

 

At the last game, Neil had been called a whore, a fag, a disgrace. The Tornadoes had slung insults at Neil the entire game, and it had only gotten worse towards the end. Neil had expected red cards to be thrown for roughness, but the Foxes had fought desperately and had kept their cool. Neil barely sleeps all week, his dreams tainted by memories of pain. 

 

On Thursday, coach orders in several large pizzas and the Foxes sit down to watch Edgar Allan face off against Maryland, and then the Trojans played USC right after. Kevin watches the Ravens obsessively, hardly eating. He shushes anyone who talks-- Nicky, Allison, Matt. He shushes Neil once, and it's the most contact the two have had all week. The Trojans match, though, has Kevin on the edge of his seat. Everyone knows he's an extreme Trojan fan, has Jeremy Knox posters on his wall, but he watches like he'll cry if they lose. It makes Neil wish that the Trojans would lose, so Kevin could feel as shitty as Neil does. 

 

Neil is beyond tired. He's exhausted, from waking up in tears, from running to class, and hiding from the general population, and the reports still sniffing around. He's got students flipping him off and cursing him out and calling him awful things that ring in his ears. And Kevin hasn't looked Neil in the eye since last Friday. Even Andrew is tiring of it. 

 

As predicted, Kevin goes off on a tangent about how the Foxes aren't good enough. The team is fraying with last Friday's ‘news’ and the opponents they will have to face on the court. Kevins dismissal is like a spark to Neil's tindered temper. He refrains himself from jumping at him, and reaches behind Andrew to clap Kevin on the back of the head, mid-sentence. 

 

“No one wants to hear that right now.” Neil scowls. 

 

“If you hit me again-” 

 

“You'll what?” Andrew is tense between them. Doubtful that Kevin will do anything, the coward, but willing to protect Neil right now, if need be. He knows that Neil is itching for a fight. If Andrew intervenes now, he won't have to later. 

 

The week after is better, despite midterms. News of Neil's photos has come and gone, and the students mostly over the initial shock. Neil is still battling nightmares-- he wakes up with screams caught in his throat at least twice. He wakes up in tears that woke Andrew up, with the blonde throwing things to wake Neil up. He hides in the bathroom after two of the worst dreams. 

 

On Monday Andrew walks Neil to class. Some asswipe with superiority issues bumps into Neil very much on purpose. He grabs Neil's elbow, as if to help him ‘keep his balance’ after nearly bowling over him. Except he doesn't let go. 

 

“You're hot, come by my place tonight. Bring your boyfriend, we'll bend you over and share you.” Asshole grins like he's just said the smoothest of pickup lines, instead of demanded that Neil bend over for him. 

 

Andrew is quick, but Neil is closer. He punches the bastard in the mouth, and then knees him in the ground hard enough to collapse him with a screech. And then Neil steps over the asshole, on the way back to his class. 

 

Andrew's eyebrows raise minutely in silent question. 

 

“I'm fi- I'm alright. Really, Andrew. That's the least of what I've dealt with.” 

 

 

On Wednesday, he crawls out of bed choking on bile. His stomach is churning with sour adrenaline and the memory of the Ravens holding him down. He remembers teeth biting into his shoulder, and hands bruising his hips, and a cock spearing him. There had been blood-- too much for one person. Jean had been there, screaming. Andrew had been there, too, pointedly silent. 

 

Neil throws himself out of bed, shaking and exhausted and just too tired. He retches in the bathroom for a while before he calms down enough to curl on the living room couch with the soft blue jacket and the blanket from the back of the couch, and an old Exy game on tv. Last years championships, he thinks. 

 

Neil is alone long enough that he thinks Andrew must have fallen back asleep-- he was learning that Andrew can sleep through most noise, but will wake up with movement. Neil suspects it must be from growing up with other foster children being noisey. Neil is painfully alone with his dark thoughts, the Exy a poor distraction. To his surprise, Andrew comes shuffling in. His sweatpants are too long, which makes Neil think they must be his. 

 

Andrew sets about making coffee wordlessly. He grabs the ice cream from the freezer, and a spoon. He flips the blanket up and sits close to Neil, offering a spare spoon. Neil is too shocked not to take it, and takes a tentative bite. It's too sweet, but Andrew sharing his ice cream is not something to be turned away lightly. 

 

“Did I wake you?” Neil wonders, voice cracked from retching. 

 

“Yes.” Andrew, ever blunt. But he doesn't make Neil change the channel, doesn't take the ice cream away, doesn't move from Neil's side. 

 

Andrew finishes most of the ice cream on his own. When he's done, he moves Neil's legs across his lap and covers them in the blanket. He twists so they're side by side, and takes out a book from under the couch. He's a silent warmth against Neil's side, safer than even his mother had made him feel. He drifts to sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For AleynaMinyrd and everyone else that send me lovely comments about NDNK! I love you guys so much! The comments are great. :)

Neil is out of bed by five am, loaded and on the bus before 6. They stop for lunch at a sandwich shop when Dan and Matt's collective ADD got the best of Wymack and Abby. Andrew is still careful to stand between Neil and Kevin while they eat, though the two had mostly gone back to normal, save for the few strange glances Kevin gives Neil. Andrew steals probably half of Neil's chips, and he lets him. Andrew offers a pickle in return. 

 

When they load back on the bus he sits by the upperclassmen to discuss strategy. He looks expectantly at Neil, but is waved off. Sitting next to Kevin means leaving Andrew alone at the back of the bus, something he know Andrew won't mind. But it bothered Neil regardless. He ignores Kevin's mini tantrum and takes his abandoned seat, right in front of Andrew. 

 

His phone buzzes in his pocket one last time. The number is still blocked, and today's count is down to 0. Whatever happens, happens today. He looks back at Andrew, who stares out the window. 

 

Andrew stares out the window, uncaring whether Neil sits next to him or not. Of course, he ignores the little thrill he gets when Neil chooses the seat in front of him. He watches the town pass by, reminded of a little town he had been in for a few months, under the ‘loving care’ of Samuel. Love that had been twisted and one sided, and driven by the love of ‘power’ not ‘lust’. Of course, Andrew doesn't really know what Samuel had thought or felt when he raped nine year old Andrew. Only that he had called Andrew a whore, had told him Andrew must have wanted it. 

 

Neil's stare isn't like theirs. It doesn't make his temper prickle, doesn't make his skin crawl. He lets Neil get his full of whatever he's looking for. 

 

Neil stares like he's trying to memorize everything-- the slope of his nose, the peaks of his cheeks, the color pattern of his eyes. The way his lips don't look as unyielding as the rest of him.

 

Neil had agreed to let Andrew protect him at the beginning of the school year. Had agreed to let Andrew try, because Neil had nothing to lose. Now, though, he realizes that he could lose *Andrew*, the only thing he *needs* to keep. Whatever happens today, he doesn't want to lose Andrew. 

 

“Hey.” The idiot says. Andrew clears his head before he turns to Neil. It takes a moment, so he turns slowly, stalling. Then he stares back at Neil, who is still searching Andrew's face for something-- good luck with that. Andrew had learned early not to let emotions escape. But still, the look on Neil's face is annoying. Andrew doesn't know what Neil is looking for. 

 

“Stop.”

 

“I'm not doing anything.” Neil blinks at him with too-innocent eyes. Big and bright and so incredibly blue. 

 

“I told you not to look at me like that.” 

 

“Is it exhausting, seeing everything as a fight?” 

 

Not nearly as exhausting as Neil is, lately. “Not as exhausting as running from everything must be.” 

 

“Maybe. I told you I'm working on that.”

 

“Work harder.” Andrew is unimpressed. 

 

“I can't unless you let me go. Stand with me, but don't fight for me. Let me learn to fight for myself.” 

 

Oh. So that's what this is all about. Andrew wonders if Neil can smell trouble, or if he really is ready to fight for something. “You never explained that change of heart.”

 

“Maybe I got tired of seeing Kevin bend. Or maybe it was the zombies.” Neil knows better than to say ‘maybe I want you.’

 

Still, Andrew just stares blankly. Neil explains the conversation with Renee, about collecting survivors. Even Andrew had his protected few he would fight for. Neil had nobody. But now he thinks he would like to turn back for Andrew, in such a case. Otherwise, who would watch his back? Nobody had before, Kevin too cowardly and Aaron too selfish. 

 

“I didn't say anything then because I knew I would look out for only me, when the world went to hell. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you.” 

 

This idiot is too good to be true. He says he *wants*, but Andrew knows Neil is a runner. 

 

“You wouldn't. You're a different kind of suicidal. Didn't you figure that out in December? You're bait. You're the martyr no one asked for or wanted.” 

 

Neil isn't sure he's that good of a person. Being a martyr implies that Neil was hurt in someone's stead. But Andrew had been hurt, anyway-- regardless of Neil's ‘sacrifice’. “Only one way to be sure, right?” 

 

“You'll regret it.”

 

“Maybe, maybe not.” Neil allows. 

 

Andrew's first instinct is to keep saying no. Because the last time Neil tried to stand on his own, he took himself to Evermore. 

 

Andrew knows that Exy is almost enough to keep the junky around, but he wonders. If Neil is serious about breaking the deal, Andrew doesn't want to force Neil into it. He wants Neil to stay with him because he wants to, not because of a deal Andrew is forcing him to keep. And Neil has brought their deal up twice now. He dares to defend himself, even as his knuckles are bruised. 

 

Andrew shrugs and looks back out the window. 

 

“Don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face.” 

 

“Thank you.”

 

They sit in silent together for several long miles. They're barely half way to Belmont, and the interstate is boring asphalt and cars. It's a nicer drive now that Neil isn't staring out the windows to watch for familiar faces, familiar vehicles following them. His mother had tried to stick to back roads and highways, too. They had driven through small towns with no crosswalks or stop lights. Places they were never noticed, because they were nobody. Neil glances under his fingernails, half expecting to see blood. And then the subtle smell of burning hair lingers in Neil's mind. 

 

“I've been through here,” Neil says to fill the silence. Andrew looks up from the window. He listens silently as Neil rambles about as much as he dares.

 

He tells Andrew about the small towns, the coast, the back alleys he had run through and the bus bunches he had slept on. He talked about going hungry for days, about how he paid for IDs when his money had run out. He talked about how he got some of his scars, some of the fights Neil had barely won and the people he had killed trying to save himself and his mother-- of course, he doesn't actually mention Mary. He didn't have to censure himself from Andrew, the blonde listened with interest but was careful not to interrupt. Neil only had to edit out any mention of his mother, but the rest was true. Andrew couldn't care less about the blood on Neil's hands. 

 

He tells Andrew about Evermore. His apathetic stare takes on a harder edge then, but he doesn't say anything. Neil confesses the guilt he feels for Jean. How Riko had stopped forcing Ravens into Jean's bed, until Nathaniel had arrived. How Riko had enjoyed seeing Neil beg on Jean's behalf. How Jean had hated Neil for all of it, had blamed him for drawing Jean back into that kind of torture. He tells Andrew how Jean was used as leverage against him. He doesn't go into details, but he tells Andrew how many men had been at the ‘parties’, and how Jean was always so lifeless during them. 

 

Eventually Andrew opened up about his own life. He told Neil about stocking the bathroom in the Columbia house with Gatorade and protein bars and locking Aaron inside to deal with the detox. He tells Neil about Nicky moving back from Germany for the funeral, and how Nicky had kept the twins from Luther. About working at Eden's, and Sweetie’s. 

 

They stop a few hours from Bighampton for a break that Neil takes to stretch. Andrew slides into the bench seat, pressed close to Neil. 

 

“Renee says the upperclassmen are betting on your sexuality. They're split down the middle,” Andrew tells him. “Or, they were until the photos came out.” 

 

“It's a waste of time and money. They'll all lose. I've said all year that I don't swing, and I meant it. Kissing you doesn't make me look at any of them differently. The only one I'm interested in is you.” 

 

It shouldn't please Andrew to hear this. Yet it does. “Don't say stupid things.” 

 

“Make me.” Neil smiles a little, challenging. He lets Andrew pull him into a kiss before the get off the bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I've prewritten to ch33, and I've gotta say... I'm thinking about stumping another huge bucket of angst. But I'm also thinking about having a nice Raven!Neil fix. Thoughts??


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO UPDATES IN ONE DAY??? What is this magic?? 
> 
> Comments get you updates :)

The parking lot is decked in Bearcat colors, green and white. The stadium is patrolled by police and security teams, to help keep the rough crowds at bay. Though, Neil still hears the slurs thrown his way as they walk to the lockers. Calls of ‘Exy whore!’ and ‘slut!’ and ‘faggot!’ echo around him. He ignores it, because they're just words now. After hearing the same insults, over and over for days, they begin to lose their effect. 

 

Nicky and Allison flip them off and shout back, and Matt cautiously wraps an arm around his shoulders. Neil walks with Matt on one side of him and Andrew on the other. Andrew deflects a cup Neil didn't see thrown at him. 

 

They have an hour that Neil spends stretching and rereading the Bearcats lineup. Wymack keeps the tv off because every Exy sports station is talking about Neil's photos. The reporters seem frustrated that they can't get any replies from the Foxes-- all week they've been replying with ‘no comment’, refusing to give the media anything to work with. 

 

The Bearcats are a more balanced team than the Tornadoes. It takes everything the Foxes have, to hold their own during the first half. Neil pushes himself as hard as he can, to run faster, throw harder. He nearly gets red carded more than once. At halftime Coach threatens to leave Neil here-- an empty threat. He knows better now, than to think that Wymack would do something to purposefully hurt him. 

 

It was Dan to nod her encouragement. She understood that that they were losing ground, down two points and up against fresh players. The Foxes only need a few more points to advance, but Neil had promised they wouldn't lose any games this season. Neil wants to show everyone that he isn't letting the Ravens tricks keep him down. They need to win this. 

 

Andrew is as apathetic as always, and Aaron leaves when Neil approaches him. 

 

“Last month you shut the Catamounts out. Can you do it again tonight?” Neil dares to ask. He knows that Andrew *can*. It is a matter of if he *will*. 

 

“I don't see why I should.” 

 

“I'm asking you to help us. Will you?” Neil asks like that will make a difference. 

 

“Not for free.” 

 

“Anything,” Neil swears. He trusts Andrew not to ask for more than Neil can give. And tonight is too important to worry about such technicalities. 

 

Andrew shuts down the goal with purpose. He doesn't let a single ball through, regardless of the tricks the opposing team tries against him. They duck and swerve and try every trick shot they know, but Andrew blocks every single one. Not only is he shutting down the Foxes goal, he's egging their back liners on, cursing them out for letting so many strikers through. Andrew's participation helps to rejuvenate the Foxes. Matt's grin is wide and bright, like Andrew hadn't just called him a lazy bastard. 

 

Kevin scores their winning goal in the precious last seconds of the game.The court breaks into a brawl. Allison and Matt and Nicky are fighting with their marks. Kevin starts towards them but Neil stops him. If Kevin gets involved, Andrew will follow, and then there will be bloodshed. More than there is now, anyway. 

 

The Bearcats are shouting crude remarks to the Foxes, the words digging deeper than Neil cares to admit. He does his best to ignore them as he drags Kevin to Andrew. It takes Wymack and the Bearcats three coaches, plus the refs, to pull the players apart. Since Wymack doesn't reem anyone, Neil figures it must have been defense. 

 

It's Neil's turn to handle press with Dan. Coach gives them a warning to watch their mouths, and Andrew lets Neil stand on own. He does linger to watch the interview, though. As predicted, the first questions are for Neil. 

 

“Mr. Josten! Neil! What do you have to say about the photos of you posted online?” 

 

“Nothing. I'm not here to talk about that, we're here to talk about tonight's game.” Neil says firmly. His hands begin to shake. He grabs fist fills of his running shorts to steady them. 

 

“So you don't care to dismiss the rumors about the Foxes, or their initiations?” 

 

“Initiations? No, they don't do ‘initiations’. The Foxes don't believe in torturing their players.” Neil shakes his head. 

 

“That's right. We're a family, we would never hurt each other.” Dan adds. “Now, if we can talk about tonight's game-” 

 

“So there were not your teammates in the photos? Who were they? Fans? Prostitutes?” 

 

They think Neil *wanted* that? To be cuffed down and used? The photos may be damning, but they were also suspicious, and nobody seemed to care because it was dirt on Neil Josten. As long as they had their gossip, they didn't care to investigate further. And the world called Andrew heartless. 

 

Wymack comes on, scowling. “We are here to discuss tonight's game. Only Exy questions, or the interview is over.” 

 

Dan answers a few generic questions about the game before they get to leave. She wraps an arm around Neil slowly, giving him plenty of time to pull away. He doesn't, but he appreciates the care that his team has shown him these last weeks. 

 

The lockers are empty by the time Neil showers and dresses. Which means no one is around to wonder why Baltimore is calling Neil's rarely used cell phone. 

 

“Don't run,” he tells himself. He answers the call. 

 

“Hello, Junior. Do you remember me?” It's Lola's voice. 

 

“I didn't give you this number, Lola.” As if that would stop her. She talks, and then she says “are you listening? It's time to go. If you make this difficult for us, you will regret it for your very short life. Do you understand?” 

 

Where Lola was, her brother and Jackson were sure to be near. Neil knows he can't outrun all of them, not without considerable collateral damage. And then she tells him about his father. Nathan was released on parole, back to Baltimore. 

 

“My team knows i'm missing and they won't get back on the road without me.” Neil tries. 

 

“They don't have a choice. We can't kill them but we can hurt them. You'll see.” Lola hangs up before Neil replies. 

 

Neil considers every option, but they all end in running. Andrew is finally letting Neil stand his ground and fight, but Neil can't do that if the Foxes could get caught in the crossfire. 

 

Running would work, but Neil could stay. Could tell Coach, could call the FBI and give them his real name. Neil had wanted to wait for the Foxes to find out who he really is, but they can't afford to wait now. Neil walks down the hall, looking for Wymack. He sees Jackson Plank and Romero, instead. Walking towards him with the Foxes in a group and their hands on their guns. There is no chance to warn any of them. 

 

“If we're all accounted for, we should head out,” Jackson says. Both men are dressed as security. 

 

They lead the Foxes down the hall, and escort them. Andrew seems to sense Neil's anxiety and stays by his side. Neil doesn't want to leave without saying goodbye, but Jackson and Romero are too close. 

 

“Thank you. You were amazing.” Neil settles for these few simple words. He hopes Andrew will know what it means when they find Neil dead, when Andrew learns who Neil really is. 

 

Outside, the Fox fans are at one side and the Bearcats at the other. The smell of alcohol is heavy and cloying in the air. Bottles were thrown along with more insults from the Bearcat fans. Then a shoe. Then a cooker. And then it turned into an all-out riot. Bodies clashed against each other, and the team was split as they dodged the debris thrown at them. Romero grabs Neil's wrist, and Neil can just slips his phone out of his pocket, into the netted pouch of his game bag. He hopes someone will find it later. 

 

Romero and Jackson haul Neil away before anyone notices. The parking lot is in chaos, and Neil doesn't recognize any of his teammates faces. He fights until his arm is wrenched behind his back, close to dislocated. Lola waits for them in the car. 

 

“Rumor has it Junior is all grown up.” She grins maniacally. “And you have some pretty wild sex, too. Up the ass, from multiple men, Junior? Daddy won't be pleased to learn that. Little Riko did quite the number claiming you, didn't he? But the Moriyamas gave us a blessing to take you, so you're ours.” 

 

She tells him how she's going to tear his body apart. Riko could take lessons from her. His hands shake until he shoves them deep in his pockets. Neil knew he was running on borrowed time after his mother died. The last he can do now is keep quiet and not give them the satisfaction of seeing him terrified. 

 

A few miles off the Maryland border, they pull off the interstate. Lola and Romero walk Neil to a waiting Cadillac and shove him in the front seat. Neil keeps a gun trained on him while Lola cuffs his ankles to the chair, and then his arms behind him, wrapped around back of the chair and cuffed. 

 

The metal cuffs on his wrist are an unpleasant reminder of past torture. The knife cutting into his palm is all too familiar. Lola sits in the seat behind him and plays with the knife on his skin for a few minutes. He tugs uselessly at the cuffs, fighting back the black memories of the Nest. He almost waits for the weight of a cock to brush his skin. 

 

“Stop it. Don't touch me!” 

 

“Stop me.” He hears the smile in her voice. She carved into his hands just for fun. Then she tangles a hand on his hair and holds his face still so she can trace the number four Riko forced on his face. 

 

“We heard all about your feud with Riko, of course. The pictures were just lovely-- you were always so pretty when you cried. And I do hear that Riko is turning out to be a talented little torturer. Let me see.” 

 

As if Neil had a choice to ‘let’ her do anything. She runs the blade down his chest to cut his shirt, and she tears away the rest. 

 

“Don't fucking touch me,” Neil tries to pull away from her wandering hands as she stokes the scars in the parody of a caress. 

 

“Ooooh, someone was naughty.” She giggles at the scars littering his torso. She adds a few of her own, slicing up his ribs and chest before moving. She forces Neil to bow forward so she can see the Fox paw tattoos on his back. 

 

“You rebel, you,” she coos as she begins to skin off the one closest to her. 

 

“Stop!” Neil twists and fights in vain. 

 

“Not yet. You're pretty when you struggle.” 

 

Lola always did have a knack for knowing how to get under Neil's skin, and hearing him called ‘pretty’ with cuffs restraining him is a pretty big trigger. Neil nearly hyperventilates, struggling against her. 

 

When she has finished, she is left with pieces of flesh, tattooed orange and stained red with blood. She drops them on the floor carelessly. When she's finished with it, she goes back to the number. 

 

“Did you really think his collar would protect you from us? We don't care who you let fuck you, Junior.” 

 

“It doesn't matter.” Neil grits his teeth. 

 

“It does matter. I can't take you to your father with such a stain on your face.” 

 

She presses the knife against his other cheek, to keep him still. Her brother hands her a red-hot car lighter. 

 

“Don't flinch.” Lola presses to his face. 

 

Neil screams, and presses away from the burning metal, into the knife. It cuts him from his mouth to the corner of his eye-- dangerously close. She takes it away and presses a finger to the burn, just to make him scream again. 

 

Lola interrogates Neil while Romero drives. She asks where his mother is, cutting into him until she believes that Mary is dead. She wraps her hand around Neil's throat and presses the lighter to his face again. 

 

“She's dead, she's dead, she's dead!” Neil yells, hoping to be believed. 

 

He tears his wrists bloody, struggling to get away from Lola and the pain. Blood drips down his fingers, and down his face. She presses the lighter in again, mostly for fun. She believes him, but she really loves hearing Junior scream. She can understand what Riko saw in him-- Nathaniel is so pretty when he cries. And he screams pretty, too. 

 

“Don't. Lola, don't!” He begs her. It makes her smile. 

 

“Is that what you said to Riko? Did he stop?” She mocks him just to see his face shutter. 

 

She takes her time cutting bloody patterns into Neil's arms, from his wrist to just above his elbow. She burns him when she gets bored with the blood. He talks himself hoarse between the screams, convincing her that his little friends don't know anything. When she doesn't stop hurting him, he stop answering and starts hyperventilating again. 

 

The trunk is the worst. They don't have any extra clothes for him before they shove him in with Lola. She tangled around him in the dark, the barrel of her cocked gun pressed to his temple. She bites the burns on his cheek and savors the sound Junior makes. 

 

She wraps her legs around his hips, pulling them flush together in the dark. Neil pulls at the cuffs, his breath little stutters in his chest. Light and quick, like panic. He reeks of fear, worse than in the other car. Maybe Riko was onto something there-- more of the panic, with none of the body parts to clean up afterward. 

 

“You look just like your father,” Lola coos in his ear. 

 

“You look like a strung out whore,” Neil bites out through clenched teeth. The mouth of the barrel presses a bruise into his temple, reminding Neil to keep still as Lola lets her hand wander. Neil shrinks back as far as he can, desperate to be away from the body on top of him, too warm and too close. Her hand strokes his chest, and then down to his jeans. 

 

“Don't. Lola, stop! No, stop,” Neil begs her. “Don't touch me. Please!” 

 

She doesn't listen. She's pressed so close she can feel his heart gallop, and the tears that fall. Though, that might be blood. Most likely both. 

 

“I saw all those photographs that the castaway took. Not a single girl in the bunch. I wonder if you really are a fag.” She hums as she slips her hand inside his jeans. 

 

“No, no, nonononono,” Neil repeats. 

 

“Come on, Junior. This is the last bit of enjoyment you'll get before you die. Let a girl have her fun.” 

 

Neil swallows a whimper as she touches him where he definitely does *not* want to be touched. Her nails are long and sharp, and she isn't gently. Her nails pinch and cut into him as she strokes him. 

 

“Stop,” Neil tries. 

 

“I'm not done yet-- and neither are you.” She giggles. “You're so pretty when you cry. Your daddy is bigger, though.” 

 

She squeezes him meaningfully, painfully. The car bounces up a winding driveway Neil recognizes. Finally, Lola's phone chirps and she draws her hand from his jeans. 

 

“You're no fun,” she pouts. “Your daddy is way more responsive.” 

 

She drugs him with a cloth over his face, and Neil's world goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worry that my Raven!Neil fix will turn out basically the same as everyone else's. Tell me what you think? 
> 
> Also, has anyone done an Alpha/Beta/Omega au? Or perhaps any other au's? Let me know please!!!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE SO GREAT!!! My inblow BLEW. UP. from all the anazing comments you guys left. Seriously, thanks so much! Have another chapter!!!

The last chapter made me really anxious to post it. Seriously, sorry :/ anyway, these are obviously meant to be read consecutively. Just FYI. 

 

 

Neil wakes sluggishly. The drugs made him woozy. His vision spins, but he can see his hand free in front of him. Still attached, for now. Lola had cut crosshatched into his hand and burned his knuckles with the car lighter. He recognizes the basement around him and Lola watching him from halfway across the room. They wait more than an hour before Nathan comes into view. He is much less dressed than he is in public-- dark jeans and a black shirt hat wouldn't stain too badly with blood. 

 

“On your feat. You know better than to sit in my presence.” Nathan looks and sounds much like he always had. 

 

Neil stands. 

 

“Hello Junior.” His voice is as cold as his eyes. 

 

Nathan punches Nathaniel in his ruined cheek, and catches his son by the throat when he falls. 

 

“I said ‘hello’.” 

 

“Hello,” Neil just barely rasps around his constricted throat. 

 

“Look at me when I am talking to you.” It's a game for Nathan, seeing his son bow and squirm beneath his grip. 

 

He cups Nathaniel's battered face between his hands, in parody of a caress. And then he squeezes bruises into the flesh, while the fresh scabs break. New blood oozes down his sons cheeks. Nathaniel moves to grab Nathan's arm, but remembers himself in time. He knows better than to touch his father. He remembers what would happen if he did. 

 

“I've had a couple years to think it over but now jay the time has come, I'm indecisive. I might skin you alive. I might take you apart one inch at a time a cauterize the wounds.” Nathan says conversationally. “I think no matter what I choose, we are going to start by slicing the tendons in your legs. You are not going to run away this time, Nathaniel. I'm not going to let you.” 

 

“Fuck you,” Nathaniel gasps in horror. 

 

Nathan shoves his son away and reaches toward DiMaccio, who places his favorite axe in his hands. It's old and dull from too much use and no sharpening. Then he hands Nathan the cleaver. The man hefts both in his hands, trying to decide. 

 

Nathaniel takes the distraction and bolts for the door. Lola catches him around the waist, and he struggles for just long enough that DiMaccio can grab him. He drags Nathaniel along by his collar and throws him hard into the nearest wall. His head cracks against the bricks and his vision spins-- he narrowly avoids his father's swinging cleaver. 

 

Neil runs to put distance between them, but Nathan does not chase him. He plays with his weapon for a moment, getting reacquainted. Nathaniel considers his options, desperately. He can't fight his father or DiMaccio, and Lola is in the way of the door. Lola, with her knife and gun, is the best option. 

 

Nathaniel runs at her. She slices at him with her knife. He dodges to the side and she misses. He hits her in the throat-- not hard enough, because she comes at him again, cutting his chest open in a long, burning gash. But it puts Neil beside the door, and he hurries to throw off the bar latch. 

 

Lola grabs Nathaniel by the hair and Nathan stalks towards them. He orders Lola to move, but Nathaniel darts to the side. The cleaver screams as it scratches down the door where he had just stood. He scrambles back from where he fell on the floor. His father kicks his ribs when Nathaniel tries to stand, and then punches his sons burned face. He sits on Nathaniel's chest, too heavy to buck off. 

 

The weight on top of him is suffocating and all too familiar. He can't count how many times Riko had stripped Neil bare and carved into him, and then pressed him into the mattress. But thankfully rape was not in Nathan's wheelhouse. His presses the cleaver to his son's throat, watching the line of blood that beads there. DiMaccio hands Nathan his axe. He presses it into Nathaniel's throat so he can carve lines into his sons face. 

 

“Maybe we will do both. Skin you an inch or two at a time and carve the flesh out from underneath. If we do it right, you might last all night. Patrick, have them toss us down the blow torch. It should still be in the drawer by the oven.” 

 

“No,” Nathaniel whimpers beneath him. He can feel the boy tremble between his legs. 

 

“Lola. Would you like the pleasure of crippling him?” 

 

“No,” Nathaniel says again. He should have hit her harder. She might have suffocated to death already, if he had. 

 

Nathaniel kicks his legs away from her, half remembering Evermore and half afraid she'll strip his jeans from him next-- it's an irrational fear, when she's trying to cut his tendons. He kicks at her and struggles beneath the weight of his father. The axe at his throat makes him gag, but it isn't sharp enough to cut him without swinging. Instead, Nathan presses the cleaver into Nathaniel's nose. 

 

“If you do not sit the fuck still, I will gouge your eyes out.” 

 

“Please,” Nathaniel begs them. “Please don't.” 

 

“Can I?” Lola asks, pleased with the offer. Nathaniel shakes beneath him and Nathan wonders how he sired such a coward. He blames it on the bitch. 

 

“We'll slit your knees and then your ankles. And if you try to crawl away I will take your arms from you too. Do you understand?” 

 

DiMaccio sets the blow torch beside Nathan. Neil wants to scream but if he does, he won't stop. After escaping his childhood, and surviving the run with his mother and the many encounters with his fathers men; after surviving Andrew's early scrutiny and Riko's abuse, Neil was going to die here. A nameless boy in a basement, just to disappear. Nathaniel was nothing, and would always be nothing. 

 

He thinks of his year with the Foxes. About Andrew and his promises, his stubborn loyalty, and his careful consideration after Neil returned from Evermore. He thought that whatever happened would be worth it, for his brief time as Neil Josten. But he had gotten used to being real, and he wasn't ready to let it go. 

 

“Please! Just let me go, just let me go, I'm not-” Neil begs uselessly. 

 

The cellar door bangs open from the outside. There is suddenly a fog of bullets all around him, the silencers on the guns making little ‘pop’s that echoed through the basement. Lola's body jerks as she gets hit by a spray of shots and goes down. She does not get up. 

 

Nathaniel curls his aching body into a ball on the floor, staying as small as possible. He tries to keep his eyes on his father. DiMaccio puts himself between Nathan and the intruders, shouting for backup. Nathan's guards rush from upstairs while strangers in suits swarm from the tunnel door. Someone grabs Nathaniel from behind, and he fights. 

 

“Don't touch me,” Neil yells. 

 

But he's dumped in a safe corner and left there. He curls into a ball again, and waits for the bullets to stop. When he dares to raise his head, he sees his father knelt on the ground, surrounded by armed men with guns trained on him. Someone whistled a signal and then another man steps through the tunnel. 

 

Time had not been kind to Uncle Stuart. But then, it hadn't exactly been kind to Neil or Andrew, either. His uncle stares at him. 

 

“Bloody hell. Nathaniel?” 

 

Neil manages a nod. 

 

“Mary?” His Uncle asks. Neil shakes his head. No, she hadn't made it. 

 

“Don't look. This will be over in a moment.” Stuart settles his aim on Nathan. Neil watches as two bullets cut through his father's chest, and Nathan slumped to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, right? Slower than reading the books. Expect more soon!!


	31. Chapter 31

Someone helps Neil up the stairs to the garage. He waits, knelt on the ground with his hands on his head. The Feds morph from the shadows. Someone hauls him up with rough hands. 

 

“You're too late. My father is dead.”

 

“Your father?” Someone asks incredulously. 

 

“My name is Nathaniel Wesninski and my father is dead.” The words taste good on his tongue. Unreal, but good. If Neil had not seen it for his own eyes, he would not believe it. For so long, his father had been a boogeyman-- terrible, invulnerable, and larger than life. It had seemed impossible that he would die while Neil lived. 

 

Someone's hand is on his bare shoulder. It makes his skin crawl, and it doesn't move when he tries to shrug it off. Andrew would have knifed them by now. 

 

“Please don't touch me.” Neil dares to ask, softer than he would like to admit. He's in pain, and his skin and scars are laid bare. He can't handle the touch. 

 

“I'd rather not cuff you in the state you're in, but I will if I have to. Are you going to be a problem for us?” 

 

Neil takes in his arms, bleeding and swelling and oozing. They ache, they burn.the man's touch makes him feel nauseous. 

 

“I've been a problem for nineteen years. I'm too tired to be one tonight. Just get me out of here.” The man nods and lifts his hand away, though he and several others stay close by as they walk him to the ambulance and strap him on the gurney. 

 

 

 

Neil wakes up next in the hospital. He doesn't remember the ambulance ride, so either he passed out or they drugged him. He can feel the painkillers in his blood now, making his mind foggy and his body nicely numb. Two Feds guard him. Neil is cuffed to the rail of the bed. 

 

“Really?” He asks them. 

 

“Were not taking any chances,” one of his guards shrugs. The other does paperwork. Neil tries not to show how badly the handcuffs bother him. At least the walls are a bright white, helping to ground him. That and the sedatives and pain meds in his blood. 

 

Agent Browning tells Nathaniel about going to the station to be grilled on everything the kid knows. They threaten to arrest him if he doesn't cooperate. They threaten to charge him for the fake ODs, the ‘murders’ he had committed in self-defense, among other things. But Neil knows their bluffing, or he just doesn't care-- he just wants to see his team. He wants to see Andrew. 

 

“I'll trade you truth for truth. My teammates were caught in a riot last night the Palmetto State Foxes. Were they hurt?” 

 

“Eighty-six people ended up in the hospital, including three of your teammates. They were treated and summarily released. Minor injuries. They were lucky. A couple people ended up in ICU,” Browning tells him. 

 

“We made contact with Coach Wymack shortly after you were admitted here and asked him to bring his people for questioning. They should be wrapping things up soon. When we are done with them they are free to return to South Carolina.” Towning tells him. 

 

“It's your turn. Where's your mother?” Browning questions. 

 

Nathaniel tells the agents about running from his father, and their ‘reunion’ in Seattle. He tells them about burning his mother's body in the car, about burying her on the beach with his bare hands. 

 

“All this time you were hiding out in Seattle?” The agent sounds annoyed. Nathaniel doesn't care. 

 

“No. that was just the last stop before Arizona.”

 

“What came before Seattle?” 

 

Nathaniel doesn't answer. He's quiet while Browning offers him immunity from his past crimes, a life in the Witness Protection Program, and the opportunity to tear his father's world down. When Neil doesn't agree, they return to threatening him. With jail time, where ‘pretty boys won't do well’. Inside, Neil shivers, but Nathaniel doesn't show his weaknesses-- he knows better than to show how tired and shaken he truly is. 

 

“I want to see my teammates.” 

 

“Be reasonable. Don't make this harder for yourself than it needs to be.” 

 

Nathaniel nearly scoffs. “You think this is hard? Look what I've been through.” Carved apart by Nathan and his men from childhood, running and fighting for nine years, the two years on his own. Neil has been cut to pieces, raped, abused, and neglected. These men don't scare him. “Surviving you is easy. But can you survive me?” 

 

“Are you threatening a federal agent?” 

 

“I wouldn't dare. What I should have said was: can you survive my family? My parents may be dead, but my uncle remembers me. More importantly, he remembers that you gave him permission to take on my father last night. Since when do suits cut deals with gangsters?” 

 

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Browning lies poorly. 

 

Nathaniel rolls his eyes at them. “Whatever. I'm going to nap.” 

 

Neil wakes when the nurse comes to care for his wounds. He watches as she works, too wary to not. Browning is as uncooperative as earlier, but Neil can play the waiting game better. It's over an hour before Browning's temper breaks. 

 

“Feel like cooperating yet?” He snaps at Nathaniel, who is testing his patience. 

 

“I still don't see my teammates, so no. Look, these are the people I chose to stay with, even knowing I couldn't stay long. I picked them over my own safety. So give them back to me and I'll answer any question you ask.” The Foxes were the only thing that made Neil Josten real. Nathan is dead and Nathaniel wants to be real again. He wants to be Neil again. He wonders if he can be. 

 

“You Only think you want to see them. Remember that they just found out who and what you are. If they still want anything to do with you, I'll eat my hat.” 

 

The Foxes had prided themselves on surviving the worst sort of lives-- it was what made them Foxes. But then, none of them had watched men butchered, had killed men, had been born into a family of murderers and mobsters. Only Kevin and Andrew had a clue of who Neil truly was, and what he had been through. But Neil hoped Andrew would wait for him. 

 

Towns continues. “In fact, they're probably on the road south. It wouldn't have taken long to take their statements, and there is nothing else we need from them yet.” 

 

“You're wrong. They Can't leave without Andrew, and Andrew won't go anywhere until he talks to me.” 

 

“You don't know that.” 

 

“Yes I do. You can take me to him, or you can let me rot silently in a cell somewhere. Those are your only options.” Andrew wouldn't leave without seeing him, even if it's only to tear Nathaniel apart for all of the lies and manipulation. Andrew would wait as long as it took, to talk to Nathaniel. 

 

That finally set the agents into motion. Browning leaves to bark something to someone in the hallway. If they had done that earlier, when Nathaniel had first asked, they would be done already. He resists the urge to throw something at the morons. Instead, he naps again. 

 

 

Eventually, a doctor comes to rebandage Nathaniel’s injuries one last time. He is around his fathers age, skinny and tall like Nathan. It's nerve racking, having him close, and touching him while he's still cuffed down. The doctor drones about proper care procedures until Nathaniel snaps at him that he doesn't need the older man's help. He's had enough stitches and wounds that he knows how to take care of them. 

 

Nathaniel is uncuffed and given a set of dark sweats-- he's grateful for the shirt, and a zip up jacket which is long enough to cover all of his bandages, and he can pull the sleeves down over his hands. At least the guards half-turn to allow a modicum of privacy. Nathaniel's hands are burning by the time he's finished, and he's shaking from the pain. They cuff his hands in front and pulls his hood down low over his face. 

 

The agents escort him down to the lobby for more paperwork and Nathaniel's painkillers. They make him carry the bag of pills and creams, and the bandages don't have enough padding to stop the ache it brings. He doesn't complain as they lead him downstairs and out to a black SUV. They aren't gentle helping him inside, but he doesn't expect them to be. 

 

He recognizes the streets as they drive. He remembers the drives with his mother, the shops they had visited, the restaurants they had went to. Most of it had been to keep the appearance of a rich, happy family. It makes his heart ache, but this should not feel like home. The Exy court is his home. He hates that after so long on the run, he still winds up in Baltimore. He hates the sight of the city around him. Instead, he closes his eyes are replays the scene of his father’s death.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!!! Happy Holidays!!! Or not, depending on your practices. Anyway!! Here's another chapter. Christmas is kind of... well, I would enjoy comments as a distraction :)

The Feds give Nathaniel twenty minutes with his team, despite their very loud complaints. 

 

His team is bruised from the riot, but in one piece. Dan yells at the agents, as fierce as always, and Matt has to hold her back. Renee and Allison sit side by side on the far bed, looking relieved that their friend seems to be in one piece. Kevins eyes look hollow, and his throat is bruised. Nicky is sobbing beside the window. Even Aaron looks more upset than angry-- Nathaniel has to wonder how he looks. 

 

His team is right here, and they're all so concerned for his well being. After he had lied to them, and put them in danger. They were here, and they wanted him. And Nathaniel knows it will kill him to leave. But where the hell is Andrew? 

 

“Where is And-” 

 

The door crashes open and a familiar body forces in. Browning draws his gun and Nathaniel grabs his arm in both bandages hands. He pulls, intending to swing the weapon away from his team. The pain sends him to his knees. It burns up his hands and arms, blanking his vision and roaring in his ears. 

 

A familiar hand grips his neck and guides him to his knees. Nathaniel squints his eyes open to look into Andrew's hazel eyes. It feels like he can breath again. The room fades around them, less important than the man in front of him. Andrew is cuffed to Wymack by the wrist. Nathaniel wasn't surprised that he had been trouble. 

 

“Leave it,” their coach barks at the agents. Probably to keep them from dragging the pair apart. Neither boy would react well to that. Not right now, not after everything. 

 

Andrew kneels in front of him, dragging Wymack with him. Nathaniel cradled his arms to his stomach, and lets Andrew grip his chin. Nathaniel looks at Andrew while Andrew studies the bandages on Nathaniel's face. Andrew's face was dusted in bruises, but the worst was on his cheek bone. The blow had been hard enough to break a blood vessel in his eye, spotting it red and hazy. 

 

“They could have blinded you. All that fighting and he never learned how to duck?” 

 

Andrew doesn't answer, he just drags Neil's-- Nathaniel's hood down, out of the way. His face is a collage of tape and gauze. He isn't sure where to start, so he just grabs a corner and pulls. Beneath the first bandage is several long cuts, from the corner of the idiots mouth to his temple. They're carefully stitched together. They'll scar, but there are more bandages to check. Neil flinches when he pulls the next bandage. Where the number 4 had been, now lies three perfectly circular burns. They're an irritated red, weeping and raw and painful looking. It almost makes Andrew wish he had been gentle. 

 

‘Don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face’, he had said. And now Neil's pretty face was shredded and burned. Neil was pretty, had been since he had first arrived, though the tattoo had been an ugly thing. Andrew doesn't know which was worse. 

 

“Christ, Neil,” Wymack curses. 

 

Andrew reaches for Neil's chin, but pauses for Neil to nod before touching him. He turns his face slowly, watching the poor lighting cast shadows. It will all scar. And he doubts that this is the worst of his injuries. He never should have let Neil out of their deal. If Andrew had been watching him closer, he could stopped this. 

 

Neil knew something was going to happen yesterday. He had to have known, he had asked Andrew to break their deal days ago, before they even left for Bighampton. He had lied to Andrew, had lied about who he was, about who was after him, about not needing Andrew's prote. 

 

Neil Josten was one big walking lie. Nathaniel Wesninski was on the run from his father, the Butcher of Baltimore. He had lied about who was after him. The Moriyamas had been a threat, but Nathan Wesninski had been the most dangerous threat. Neil had to have known this was going to happen, and he had lied to keep Andrew safe. Andrew and the rest of the Foxes, but Neil had told him that he didn't need Andrew's protection. That he had needed to stand on his own. And Andrew had believed him. 

 

“Sorry,” Neil whispers. 

 

Like one flimsy word will fix this. Like ‘sorry’ will make up for months of lying to Andrew’s face. For making Andrew believe him, for making him want to believe *in* him, and Neil's strength to stand on his own. 

 

He says ‘sorry’ like any of this is Neil's fault. And it is, because Neil lied to Andrew, who wants to protect this idiot. But it isn't, because Neil deserves none of this pain. He was too young to have deserved his torturous childhood, had only tried to live when his mother had taken him and ran. It wasn't Neil's fault that his father sold him to the Moriyamas, or that he was supposed to have been Riko's tut. And it wasn't Neil's fault that his mother had ran away, and signed both of their death warrants in the process. But maybe if Neil had not lied to Andrew, he could have protected his idiot better. 

 

Andrew wants to hit him, but he can't. His first swings up and back, and he wants to punch this idiot for making Andrew believe him. He feels tricked. Yet here Neil is, battered and bleeding and just as fucked up as Andrew. He's been hurt so many times, in so many ways, and he still trusts Andrew. And he can't let himself hurt Neil. His hands shake but he unfurls his fist. 

 

“Say it again and I will kill you.” 

 

Agent Dickhead stalks up to them, looking threatening enough that Andrew might take his anger out on him, instead. But Neil snaps first. 

 

“You'll what, asshole?” 

 

“The same goes for you, Nathaniel.” Andrew hears him flinch at the name. “That's Your second strike. A third misstep and this is over. Remember you're only here because we are allowing it.” 

 

Andrew stands to shut this asshole up for good-- he's been on Andrew's ass since they got into town. Neil stands in his way, framing Andrew's face with bandages hands, but careful not to touch him. Andrew squints, but doesn't shove him aside. 

 

“Don't lie to a liar. We both know I'm here because you have nothing without me. A pile of dead bodies can't close cases or play the money trail with you. I told you what those answers would cost you and you agreed to pay it. So take these handcuffs off of Andrew, get your man out of our way, and stop using up my twenty minutes with your useless posturing.” Neil snaps. This is the same fiery boy that tells Riko to eat shit on live television, and punched Riko at the Christmas banquet. 

 

“So the attitude problem isn't an act, at least.” Andrew says. 

 

“I was going to tell you.” 

 

Andrew knows better. “Stop lying to me.” 

 

“I'm not lying. I would have told you last night, but they were in our locker room.” 

 

“They who?” Browning interiors. They switch to German and Neil tells Andrew about Plank and DiMaccio, the security guards that escorted them out of the stadium. How Neil went with them because he didn't want the Foxes hurt. Playing the martyr, as usual. 

 

“What happened to your face?” 

 

“A dashboard lighter.” Neil admits lowly. 

 

Nicky must have been listening, because he keens, as if in pain. His tears start again. Neil turns to look, which gives the other Foxes a view of his mutilated face. 

 

“Fuck,” Aaron curses, holding a sobbing Nicky. 

 

Kevin flinches so badly he bangs into a wall. He clasps at his own number 2 protectively. The damned coward. 

 

Matt jumps to stand, and Dan has to hold him back. “Jesus, Neil. The fuck did they do to you?” 

 

Abby stands and rushes towards the injured boy. Andrew turns Neil's face with an audible, ferocious snarl. He grabs a handful of Neil's hair and presses Neil's head down to Andrew's shoulder. His free hand curls into a fist again. 

 

“Get away from us,” Andrew tenses for a fight. He isn't letting anyone near Neil without Neil's own express permission. Nobody is touching him without consent anymore. Nobody will be allowed to hurt him again. Andrew will protect this idiot, whether the martyr wants it or not. 

 

“Andrew, he's hurt. Let me see him.” 

 

“If you make me repeat myself, you will not live to regret it.” Andrew promises. 

 

Andrew's tone is as murderous as Neil has ever heard. But he has never turned that rage against Neil. Andrew protects, he doesn't pick fights without cause. And he has never hurt Neil, even when he could have. Even when he probably should have. He relaxes into Andrew's grip, aching and tired, but safe here. Surrounded by family. 

 

He doesn't turn when he speaks to Abby. He lets himself rest against Andrew, just for a moment. “Abby, I just got out of the hospital. I'm as good as I can be right now.”

 

“Neil,” Abby pleas. 

 

“Please.” Neil has had too many people, too close, for too long. The memory of Lola's hand in his jeans makes him shudder against Andrew. He grips the blonde’s shirt and hair until his hands sting, desperate to keep him close while he can. 

 

“Did they tell you who I am?” Neil asks him, quietly whispering into Andrew's chest in German. 

 

“They didn't have to. I choked the answers out of Kevin on the way here. Guess you weren't an orphan after all. Where is your father now?” 

 

“My uncle executed him.” He asks Andrew what his teammates have said to the FBI-- if they mentioned the Moriyamas. But even after all of Neil's deception, they stayed loyal to him. Why? 

 

“You are a Fox.” Andrew says, like it's that simple. 

 

“Andrew, they want to take me away from here. They want to enroll me in the Witness Protection Program so my father's people can't find me. I don't want-- if you tell me to leave I will.” Neil offers quietly, like he's expecting rejection. Andrew should send him away-- should tell him to leave, so Andrew will stop feeling all of these terrible emotions. Like hope and want and something like understanding. But he doesn't think he has the ability to let Neil go now. Not after everything. 

 

Andrew grips the idiots sweater tightly. “You aren't going anywhere.” He speaks in English so the Foxes can hear-- so they fight for their lost little Fox. “You're staying with us. If they try to take you away they will lose.” 

 

It gets the effect Andrew wants. The Foxes all curse and spit and fight for Neil to stay. They offer him a spot here, if Neil wants it. He doesn't understand, but he grasps to it desperately. 

 

“I don't want to lose any of you. I don't want to be Nathaniel anymore.” 

 

Andrew follows Neil to the police station. He doesn't trust the martyr not to disappear on him again.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another! :) thanks so much for distracting me from this holiday shit show you guys are so nice

“Can I really be Neil again?” He wonders aloud, sitting in the back of the SUV with Andrew at his side. 

 

“I told Neil to stay. Leave Nathaniel buried in Baltimore with his father.” 

 

Andrew doesn't want Neil to get hard and uncaring, to turn vicious like a beaten dog. And Nathaniel has been through far too much to be good anymore. Neil had let Nathaniel suffer in the Nest, had let Nathaniel come out to fight during the worst of things. But Neil was the softer side, was the braver and far more stubborn that Nathaniel. Nathaniel was the Butcher's son, but Neil belonged to Andrew. Let the FBI interrogate Nathaniel, Andrew would make sure that it was Neil he brought back to the Foxes. 

 

“Neil Abram Josten,” he whispers, letting himself want. The name felt good on his rogue. 

 

They lock Neil and Andrew in together, side by side in a room with a desk and two chairs. Agent Browning stops Andrew at the door with a hand on his shoulder. As expected, Andrew nearly flips the man onto his back. 

 

“This is a confidential questioning, Minyard. We let you have your twenty minutes, and we let you ride over, but this is it. You can stay until-” 

 

Andrew glares, but they took his knives when they entered the building. Damned metal detectors. Maybe he should think about getting a set of porcelain knives-- something non-metal to use for occasions such as this. 

 

“No. He stays-- that's not an option. I'll tell you whatever you want, but Andrew stays with me.” Nathaniel's voice is cold and unconditional. Browning scowls between them, but nods. Someone brings in a third chair, and they sit down together, across from Browning. No doubt the camera is already recording them. 

 

Nathaniel states his full name and oath for the record and they begin with Lola's call in the locker room, about Plank and DiMaccio dressed as security so they could escort the Foxes into the crowd. How they had planned the riot, and grabbed him, and cuffed him in a car with his arms bare behind his back. He tells them how Lola had interrogated him with his arms locked behind a chair back, and how she had paid off a couple of policemen for their help, and how they had staged vandalism so the police car could bring him in without notice. On record, Nathaniel omits the part where Lola had her hands down his pants. He saves that for later, for Andrew. She's dead, it doesn't need to go on record because it doesn't matter. 

 

Nathaniel repeats the words his father had told him, about the cleaver and the axe and how they corresponded to the gashes on his face. Three long lines from chin to eyebrow, were from pressing away from the car lighter, but the cut across his nose and under his eye was from the cleaver. Some of the bruises on his throat were from the pressure of the axe, but his neck was one mottled bruise. 

 

Neil described the shootout, and how Romero and Jackson were both still free. He tells the names of the men who died-- his father and DiMaccio, and some of the guards he had recognized from childhood. 

 

They stopped for sandwiches around lunch time, and an agent brought them pizza for dinner, because it didn't require any utensils or mess. Andrew had eaten most of it, while Nathaniel could barely stomach anything. They were Lernout for bathroom breaks, and two cots were brought in. They slept in the interrogation room Saturday night, hardly speaking, because of the cameras. Hardly touching, because this was Nathaniel's element, and Andrew wanted Neil. 

 

Sunday morning brought Browning with a scowl, and greasy breakfast. Nathaniel named people he remembered from Christmas and Birthday parties, and the faces he had seen. He tells them about the four separate undercover cops that worked and disappeared to the cellar-- one nanny, a cook, and two maids. Nathaniel spews whatever he can remember, in regards to Nathan and the Butchers men. He saves the details of his own abuse for Andrew to ask later. 

 

Lunch comes and goes when Andrew demands it. Nathaniel continues his monologue, and lists all of the places he and his mother ran to-- Andrew is attentive as always. He searches his memory for past names and their corresponding locations. He was Alex in Stuttgart, and Stefan in Italy, and Chris in Ireland. He had been twenty two people, in sixteen countries. He nearly confused a couple of them, but the FBI had what they needed. 

 

He tells Browning and Andrew about killing the men in self defense, when they had gotten separated in a Canadian forest, and on a train in Germany, and the men Nathaniel had killed as they fled Seattle. 

 

Browning brings up Witness Protection again over their breaks but Nathaniel adamantly refuses while Andrew glares holes in the agent's head. The boys get called reckless and selfish, but neither care. They've both been called far worse, by people that mattered more. At the end of the day, they skip dinner in favor of signing Neil Abram Josten into legal existence. Nathaniel practically begs for a pen, which Browning throws in irritance and Andrew catches. 

 

They both walk out free men, though the guards are hesitant to give Andrew his bands and knives back.


	34. Chapter 34

Some dude named Stetson drives them back to the hotel where the Foxes wait. Andrew looks forward to sleeping in a real bed, but he thinks he would prefer his own over a motel mattress. Wymack goes for the bus and Neil climbs onto the bed in front of Abby. Andrew sits behind him, back to back. 

 

Andrew watches silently as she unwraps Neil's arms-- the agents had lead Neil away to see the doctor for his wounds, so he was only just seeing them now. The bandages move up to his elbows, covering rows of pattern in a bloody design. Rings have been carved all down his arms, and between them are more perfectly circular burns. Alternating between cuts and burns, in a nearly tribal look. His wrists are torn open from the metal handcuffs. The knuckles on his hands are all burned and his both of his hands are entirely covered in thin little slices. Andrew can feel Neil's body shake-- worse than before, though he hasn't stopped shaking since Saturday morning. 

 

Andrew hears the little whine that escapes Neil's throat. He's staring at his hands and panting thin little breaths. He's panicking, so Andrew clasps the back of his neck and bows Neil's head. He allows Abby to run gentle fingers through Neil's hair as she speaks to him. 

 

“It's over. It's over, you're going to be okay. We've got you.” 

 

Andrew is never letting Neil go again. 

 

The idiot keeps gasping, and his breath hitches. If it was anyone else, it would be a sob but Neil isn't that weak, and he is well acquainted with torture, by now. Still, Neil gasps until Andrew worries about him hyperventilating. 

 

“Stop it,” Andrew orders, because he trusts Neil to listen. 

 

Sure enough, his breathing hitches and then slows to something closer to normal. When Neil goes limp from the exhaustion, Andrew turns and props him up against his shoulder. Neil leans into him, and Andrew let's him stare because he is watching Abby work on treating the wounds. He wants to be able to do them himself, later. He has to unbolt the door to let coach in the room, but he returns to Neil immediately. 

 

“Are we spending the night here?” Wymack asks. He looks upset at Neils injuries. You would think the man would be used to such things by now. 

 

Andrew leaves the decision to Neil. 

 

“I hate Baltimore. Can we go?” 

 

“How much longer do you need?” Coach asks Abby. 

 

“Ten minutes maybe,” she estimates. “We'll be done by the time everyone is checked out and on the bus.”

 

“I'll round them up. They won't bother you until we're back on campus,” coach promises. If not, Andrew will keep them away. 

 

“I promised them answers,” Neil argues weakly. 

 

“The bus isn't set up for conversations like this. Even two to a row, they would be too spaced out to hear you easy. The locker room has a better set up. Nap back to the stadium and deal with them in familiar territory.”

 

What he says makes sense, not that Andrew cares either way. He will agree with whatever Neil wants. For now. But he isn't going to put up with any bullshit. Andrew has to help Neil shrug out of his shirt to tend a wound on his shoulder. Lola had skinned away nearly half of Neil's shoulder blade, leaving a large raw spot about the size of Andrew's palm. It looks painful, and it's still bleeding. It's not deep, but it looks savage. Like when Riko had skinned pieces of Neil's thighs. 

 

They see Matt outside the bus, and Neil stops. 

 

“Hey. Coach made us promise to leave you alone, but are you okay?” Matt eyes Neil, looking for injuries beyond the bandages on his face. 

 

“No. But I think I will be.” 

 

Andrew leads Neil onto the bus. Neil goes to sit beside Kevin, but Allison's clicking nails remind him of Lola, and he can't hide his flinch. Andrew keeps guiding Neil to the back. He shoves Neil down into the very last seat, and sits beside him. Wymack or Abby drive them away from Baltimore and Neil begins to relax. 

 

The boys had hardly slept since Friday, if not before. So when Neil begins to doze and his head bounces down to his chest only to jerk awake again, Andrew sighs in foux frustration and pulls Neil's head to his shoulder. It's hard for Neil to get comfortable with all the injuries on his face, and Neil keeps fidgeting with the bandages on his arms, too. Andrew scoots to the farthest edge and pulls at Neil's shoulder until the idiot is laying his head in Andrew's lap, using his legs as a pillow. It doesn't look much more comfortable, but Neil curls his legs to fit, and tucks his arms to his chest. The pain pills and whatever else must have kicked in soon after, because Neil falls asleep. 

 

Andrew would have loved to sleep too, but Neil is using him as a pillow and Andrew doesn't want to wake violently and hurt him. So Andrew dozes lightly, and the Foxes let them. They stop for coffee just out of town and the slow of the bus wakes both of the boys, but not before Nicky steals a picture. 

 

They look too soft, napping together with their hoods up. Neil's head is pillowed in Andrew's lap, with one hand curled around Andrew's knee and the other tucked to his chest. Andrew has one arm draped carefully over Neil's side, fisted in his jacket. 

 

Dan, Matt, and Renee bring coffee for everyone and then they drive and unload to the stadium lounge. Neil and Andrew take half of the couch but Kevin and Aaron both would rather sit on the floor than near them. 

 

Renee brings them two cups-- one with a lot of sugar, and one plain for Neil. Neil wonders how she knew that, and then wonders because she actually knew. His friends knew that he liked his coffee black, and that he didn't like sweet things, and that he loved fruit and hated vegetables. That his favorite fruits were oranges and grapes. Because those were things that never changed, no matter what he called himself. Because the Foxes knew him, not just who he had pretended to be. And Neil Josten is real now. Even if the Moriyamas kill him, he won't die a lie. 

 

Coach upends a plastic bag of junk food snacks for them-- cookies and chips and granola bars and candy. Nicky hands him a protein bar because he knows Neil doesn't like junk food. Andrew Opens it for him because Neil can't manage, with the bandages. 

 

Kevin nudges Neil and speaks in french. “We need to talk about this.” 

 

“We're going to,” Neil says in the same language. 

 

“This,” Kevin touches his own tattoo carefully, like he might be the injured one. Selfish bastard. 

 

“Not now. Later.” 

 

“Neil-” 

 

“I said no,” Neil snaps. Andrew understands the tone, of not the words, and he doesn't like it. He shoves Kevin away. Kevin rubs at his bruised throat and goes back to the floor beside Aaron, away from them. The attention goes back to Neil as the Foxes settle around the room with their coffee and snacks. 

 

“I don't know where to start…” 

 

“The beginning?”

 

What he told the Foxes was different than what he had told the FBI, because they cared less about his father's business and more about how it affected Neil. Kevin had already told them about the Butcher and their involvement with the Moriyamas, and how Nathaniel was supposed to belong to Tetsuji, just like Kevin and Jean. 

 

So Neil told them about the lavish and horrible parties, and the police visits and the raids. He told them about living on the run with his mother, and the fake aliases. He tells them about the cheap motel rooms and the abandoned houses and homeless shelters and stolen cars. He tells them about being run off the road in France and all of the other times the Butcher or his men had caught up to them.

 

He alluded to killing the men but wasn't as outright as Andrew had been, before. The Foxes know who he is, and by now they have to know how capable is he is, too. They knew he had been victimized by Riko, but Neil didn't want them to see him as that. He wanted them to know that Neil was not just a victim, that he could take care of himself. 

 

He told them about running into his father and how his mother had died, and how Neil had buried her on the beach. How he had played Exy little leagues under Abram, and picked it up again in Millport, despite his mother's wishes. 

 

At the end of it, Allison and Dan and Kevin and Wymack discuss strategy for facing the press. And how Kevin was going to announce who his father is, so they can split the attention between them. Dan tries to pull Neil into a careful hug, but he flinches into Andrew's side, and he glares until she sits down again. Neil knows that Dan isn't Lola, but it's too soon, and Neil is too tired. 

 

Nicky opens the door for Neil and Andrew drives them back to the dorms. They somehow wind up in Matt’s room, and Andrew had followed Neil in. The girls carried in armfuls of blankets and pillows from their room and all nine of them piled onto the floor. Neil found himself in the center, with Andrew on one side and Matt on the other, with the others nested around them. It's comfortable enough that he can doze off again for a few more hours.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the nice comments over Christmas!! The holidays were a war zone but it's fine.   
> So here's another chapter!!!!

As a girl who is Andrew's size, with a girlfriend who is at least as tall as Neil(and def has bigger boobs) I can attest that Andrew and Neil should have no problem sleeping together on a dorm bed. We fit THREE people on a standard single-size dorm bed is possible, so those two tiny murder babies should fit like bugs in a rug. Btw, I do NOT recommend sleeping three to a single dorm bed. It's less ‘cozy’ and a little more ‘claustrophobic’ 

 

 

 

Neil dreams of darkness and Lola's laugh, of her hands on him, and then other hands that aren't even connected to bodies, holding him down and tearing at him. His arms burn, even as he sleep, and the pain carries into the dream. He can feel the metal cuffs on his wrists again, and the walls of the trunk around him. He can feel Lola's nails scratching at his groin, and the sting of the tattoo needle on his flesh, and Riko. All around, Riko and Lola and bodies pressed against him, just taking what they want and hurting him. His father is there and--

 

And Neil wakes violently. He can feel the heat of bodies pressed too close, and Neil lashes out with a fist that punches Matt's ribs. The pain in his hand makes him groan and hunch over his aching arms. 

 

“Sorry,” he gasps to whoever he hit. He can feel himself shaking from the nightmare.

 

A cautious hand on his shoulder makes him jump. “Don't touch me,” Neil begs, though it had never helped before. 

 

“Hey. Look at me.” Neil looks up at Andrew. It's still dark, but he can just see the outline of Andrew's face. “Breathe” 

 

“It's too dark.” It's too dark, and there are too many bodies, too close. He can feel the walls pressing in. His breath stutters. 

 

“Come on.” Andrew grabs his arm above the elbow and leads Neil out of the room, and then back to their own suite. The Foxes that were awake had enough sense to leave Neil with Andrew, thankfully. 

 

Their room is quieter, brighter with Neil's night light on. Neil can breath here, with nobody touching him, alone with Andrew safely nearby. Neil lays on his own bed, and Andrew waits until he stills. 

 

“Yes or no?” 

 

Neil isn't sure he knows what Andrew is asking, but he trusts him not to ask for anything Neil can give. 

 

“Yes.”

 

Andrew crawls in bed beside him, back against the wall so Neil isn't trapped. The beds small, but the boys are smaller and they arrange themselves so they aren't accidentally touching. They sleep until well into the afternoon. 

 

 

 

Monday breakfast was actually Monday lunch. Neil and Andrew didn't wake until after one in the afternoon, but Andrew asks ‘yes or no’ and helps him change into clean clothes and they meet everyone back at Matt's room again. Andrew would rather stay in bed, but he's hungry and he isn't letting Neil out of his sight any time soon. Matt brings Neil a cup of coffee while the girls get dresses. Aaron, Nicky, and Matt are still in their pajamas, but it doesn't look like they're changing. Not that Neil and Andrew are much better, in hoodies and sweats. 

 

The dining halls were closed for spring break, so the Foxes went out to eat at a diner. The pain meds make Neil woozy and won't work without taking food with them, so he's in a fair bit of pain by the time they order. When the food comes, Andrew gives Neil the pain pills he didn't know Andrew had. By the end of lunch the pills have kicked in and Neil is leaning against Andrew slowly. He thinks they must have given him a high dose. Andrew helps him walk back to the car, and everyone is smart enough not to comment. 

 

Kevin and Neil argue all the way back to campus, about Neil's tattoo, and Riko, about kevins tattoo and him supposedly done being second best. Andrew watches in satisfaction and mild amusement, until Kevin storms out. He likes seeing Neil stand and fight for things, even if it isn't for himself. He wonders how the boy isn't broken, yet. When Neil went missing, Andrew had been sure they would only see Neil again either broken, or in a morgue. After everything Neil had grown up with, and all of the times people had carved into him, as many times as Neil has been raped and hurt, Andrew was sure that facing his father would kill him or break him. He's so glad he was wrong, for once. He's so glad that Neil is stronger than Andrew is. 

 

Andrew watches Kevin leave, and follows after Neil with garbage bags and duct tape. 

 

“Shower. Yes or no?” 

 

Neil grimaces, but nods. He lets Andrew help him out of the hoodie, glad he didn't put a shirt on underneath. He lets Andrew strip him down to his boxer briefs, and then holds his arms out. Andrew uses half the roll to make sure Neil's arms would stay dry, and he's thankful he doesn't have much hair on his arms to stick to the tape. When his arms were good, Andrew moved to the spot on his shoulder, and then his face, using prices of plastic and a lot of tape to cover them from the water. 

 

Andrew had seen Neil naked before, so he finishes stripping and steps into the shower. He sees Andrew follow, and doesn't mind. This is nothing new for them, until Andrew steps into the shower behind him, fully clothed. 

 

“Hey,” Neil says softly. 

 

He leans forward for a kiss, wanting to know what Andrew is okay with right now. Andrew closes the distance between them and kisses Neil as gently as he ever has. The kissing hurts Neil's face, but he cares less about the minimal pain and more about Andrew's mouth on his. Andrew's hands are warm on Neil's chest, as they carefully trace the scars they find there, and then check the bandage on his shoulder. 

 

“You're a mess,” Andrew says into Neil's lips. 

 

“What else is new?” 

 

Andrew doesn't answer and Neil melts into the spray, relaxed with the hot water and pain pills and the safety that is Andrew. He doesn't budge when Andrew's fingers slip into Neil's hair, only to tip his head back. He feels the lather of soap and smells the Axe shampoo that Andrew usually uses. Neil's own cheap apple scented shampoo was there somewhere, but he didn't mind. His hair rinses and Andrew leaves the conditioner to set while he washes Neil's body-- with express verbal consent from a very content looking Neil. 

 

Andrew had been trying not to stare at Neil's pretty cock, but as he washes Neil, his eyes catch on the scratches that lie around his groin and member. 

 

“Neil.” 

 

His eyes open at Andrew's tone of voice. 

 

“You didn't say anything about another sexual assault.” Anger consumes Andrew's heart, burning in his chest. 

 

“Oh.” Neil's content is gone, replaced by dead eyes and a stony face. “Lola. When we were in the trunk. She had a gun to my head.” 

 

Andrew feels wild with the need to hurt someone. He wants the world to burn, to hurt like Neil and Andrew had been. 

 

“She's dead, Andrew. I'm here now, I'm okay. I'll be okay.” Neil kisses Andrew's neck softly, feeling Andrew tremble. It takes a moment to push down the rage, but Andrew Is careful and so sure, when he touches Neil. Lips chase the water down the side of Andrew's neck, and the shudder it causes is from pleasure. 

 

“Your neck fetish is not attractive,” Andrew lies. 

 

“You like it. I like that you like it.” 

 

And that, right there, is what makes Neil different. Never before has anyone gotten off on Andrew enjoying something. Nobody had ever liked something, solely for the reason that Andrew enjoyed it. Things like that never happened to him. Often, people had gotten off on the fact that did *not* like, nor want, what they were doing to him. 

 

To prove his point, Neil nibbles at the weak spot on Andrew's throat. Andrew hisses to keep back a moan. He feels Neil smirk in triumph, and pulls the junky away. He pushes Neil gently back, until he's leaning against the shower tiles. Andrew doesn't see a trace of fear or anxiety on Neil's face, so he continues. 

 

“Yes or no?” 

 

“It's always yes with you.” 

 

“Except when it's no.” Andrew reminds him. He needs Neil to remember that he can say ‘no’, and Andrew will listen. He will never, ever take anything that Neil is not willing to give. But he lets Neil guide him to a kiss. 

 

“If you have to, keep asking, because I'll answer it as many times as you ask. But this is always going to be ‘yes’.” Andrew had earned that trust, by now. 

 

But nothing is ever ‘always’. Neil is as fucked up as Andrew, if not more so-- not that it's a competition-- and Neil has no way of knowing what he will feel like in a day, or a month, or ten years. He doesn't think that ‘always’ is a promise that Neil can keep. 

 

“Don't ‘always’ me.” 

 

“Don't ask for the truth if you're just going to dilute it.” 

 

Smartass. Andrew covers his mouth before any more idiocy can fall out. Slowly, he drops to his knees, making his intentions clear. 

 

“Yes or no?” 

 

Neil gasps out a ‘yes’ and Andrew kisses his hip bones. Then lower, over the scratches and auburn curls. He swallows Neil whole, watching the way his lips fall open. Neil tries to hold Andrew's hair, but the bags stop him and he settles for scrambling at the wall. 

 

Neil lets out little gasps and breathless moans as Andrew works. His hands hold Neil's hips to the wall when he starts making little thrusts and sliding down the wall. 

 

“Andrew,” he pants, over and over. He loves hearing Neil say his name like that, breathy and wanting. “Yes, yes!” 

 

Andrew swirls his tongue just along the vein, and Neil's legs tremble as he moans loudly. He's glad they're alone in the suite. Not that it would matter much either way. 

 

“Andrew,” Neil whimpers. “I'm, I’m gonna cum-” 

 

Andrew keeps his rhythm fast and steady, and lets Neil cum down his throat. He swallows and lets Neil slide slowly to the bottom of the shower. His face and chest are flushed nearly the same color as his cock, and his hair is dripping in his eyes. His lips are bitten red and swollen, and he's still smiling slightly, like it's subconscious. 

 

“Do you want-” Andrew kisses him, to shut him up. And because Neil looks so good like this, safe and satisfied and willing. 

 

And Andrew is hard and aching inside his soaked sweat pants. He kisses Neil thoroughly, relishing the little sighs and moans he can coax out of him, and strokes himself inside his pants. He comes in his hand, with a little puff of breath against Neil's neck. 

 

Neil, pleased, hums into the next kiss. Andrew growls his mild annoyance, but the orgasm really takes the hard edge off of the annoyance-- literally. He helps Neil into a towel, and gets the door for him. Alone, Andrew strips himself and washes the come from his thighs and groin, then shampoos himself. When he's finished, he finds a spare towel on the door knob outside. Even after mutual shower orgasms, Neil has enough sense not to come in the bathroom uninvited. 

 

Neil is still dripping onto the carpet when Andrew comes out in his own towel, and Andrew helps him dry. He's careful of the injuries, but makes sure to be rough everywhere else, just to annoy. He ruffles Neil's hair vigorously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end!!! Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Prompts? Let me know!!


	36. Chapter 36

“Did you have any plans to do anything? Besides the obvious, I mean.” Matt doesn't even cut a glance to Andrew, so Neil wonders if he means the blonde or Exy. Neil couldn't play Exy with these hands yet, so he's inclined to think Matt meant the former. 

 

“I was going to take a road trip.” Neil pauses at the looks he gets from his teammates. “Mom and I traveled to survive. I've never gone anywhere just because I could. I wanted to know what it was like.” 

 

“You've never taken a vacation?” Dan asks dumbly before she can catch herself. Or remind herself who she's talking to. “Scratch that. Forget I said that.”

 

“Where do you want to go?” Renee asks. 

 

“I don't know. I haven't looked around yet.” 

 

“Resort?” Allison suggests to Matt, considering. 

 

“Doesn't seem like his type of thing. And it's too early for the beach. Cabin?” Matt offers. 

 

“Blue ridge?”

 

Neil is lost on the conversation, and Andrew isn't helping. He's playing with a butter/steak knife. 

 

“Haven't been yet, but I hear they're awesome!” 

 

“Neil?”

 

“What?” He hadn't been paying attention-- he had been admiring Andrew's hands. 

 

“Yes or no? We're going to the mountains for the week.” 

 

“We?” Kevin asks and Matt indicates the Foxes, as a whole. Andrew doesn't argue but Kevin does. “No. Regardless of what happened this weekend, we are still in the middle of spring championships. We need-” 

 

Kevin shuts up abruptly. Neil can guess that Andrew had stopped playing with the knife and had jabbed a warning into Kevin's side. The blonde looked innocent enough, sitting with his elbow on the table, holding his head in his hand. The Foxes let Andrew do as he pleases, because it benefits them. It's easier than arguing with Kevin, so nobody represents Andrew's actions. 

 

“Anyway,” Allison begins again. 

 

“Kind of last-minute for booking, isn't it?” Dan wonders. 

 

“It's March,” Allison explains with a flick of her nails. She dials a number on her phone and waits on hold while the waitress brings their food. She doesn't give Neil the overly curious stare she had earlier. At the end, their vacation is booked and they're expected before 8pm. It's like magic, how quickly Allison has things planned and done. 

 

After dinner, and Kevin’s meeting with Wymack, and the information share with the Foxes, it only takes a few minutes to pack-- a habit learned from a life on the run. Andrew packs his own bag full of sweaters, but throws some actual clothes for Neil to pack in his own bag. Neil wonders why, but doesn't ask. Usually Andrew has a method to his madness. 

 

Of course, Andrew and Neil are finished first, and they wait with Matt while the rest pack. Matt carries Neil's duffle bag for him, considerate of his wounded hands. Actually, ‘wounded’ is being kind. They're closer to ‘mutilated’ than anything else. Matt is glad Neil is such a tough little shit, or he might not have made it out of Baltimore alive. 

 

Matt leads them in his truck, but Andrew stops along the way and Nicky buys bags of alcohol-- literally, several paper bags filled with different bottles of alcohol. Neil sees tequila and vodka, whiskeys and schnapps and beer and ciders. Really, probably anything and everything alcoholic. It's not a surprise, really. It's just a ton of alcohol. 

 

Neil realizes that Andrew had packed his actual clothes in Neil's bag so that the alcohol could be stored in all the sweaters Andrew had packed. That makes sense now. He's relieved Andrew packed actual clothes, though. Neil naps in the passenger seat for the rest of the drive. 

 

The cabin was massive, with wide windows. The inside was all smooth wooden walls and polished hardwood floors. Plush rugs decorated the floors, while paintings and windows decorated the walls. The view of the trees and snow was beautiful. The kitchen was new and well stocked, though they would have to shop for something edible and non-alcoholic. Though, the office served a buffet that was scheduled on a magnet on the fridge. In the back was a game room, with speakers and leather couches and chairs, and a large fireplace. There was foosball and a pool table and a large television mounted to the wall. On the back deck is a hot tub large enough to fit all of them. 

 

One bedroom was downstairs and the other four were upstairs. Nicky votes that Andrew and Neil share the master bedroom downstairs, though it only has one king bed. Andrew doesn't argue so Neil doesn't either. Upstairs was paired off to Renee and Allison, Dan and Matt, while Kevin and Nicky got their own rooms. 

 

Allison demands alcohol, so Nicky goes inside to play bartender. He turns to Andrew. 

 

“You doing Renee's? It's against my religion to make virgin daiquiris.” 

 

Andrew doesn't comment, but follows inside and of course Neil follows behind. He and Neil sit on the counter, almost close enough to brush their shoulders together, but not quite. Nicky is forced to use the space around them, but he doesn't seem to mind. He never really does. He gets out the alcohol and both of the blenders that Renee had pointed out earlier. Nicky mixes everyone daiquiris, he makes himself something and goes back out to the deck with the others. Andrew takes the time to rinse the blenders and pours two rock glasses of scotch, to the brim. He hands one to Neil. 

 

“I don't drink.” 

 

“You don't drink because you're afraid of losing control. What do you have to hide now?” Andrew says like it's obvious. 

 

Neil had been drinking since he was on the run with his mother and they used it for pain killer. She often kept a bottle of bottom shelf vodka, the cheapest they could buy. After run ins with Nathan or his men, they would drink while they stitched each other's wounds. They had gotten him drunk at the Nest once, but Neil didn't remember most of whatever had happened after. He had voluntarily drank at Wymack’s after. And really, all of that doesn't matter because it's *Andrew* handing him the glass. 

 

He takes it and Andrew raises his glass in a tiny toast. They drain the glasses and it takes Neil a moment to decide if the burning in his stomach was nausea or relief. It settles into comfort when Andrew takes the glass and lights a cigarette for each of them. It's uncanny, how the boy who cares about nothing takes such care to read Neil's emotions to see what he needs. Nobody has seen through his disguises with such ease like Andrew has.

 

Andrew brings their glasses and the bottle of scotch outside to the deck. The others are in the hot tub already but Andrew and Neil go to the other side of the porch. Andrew fills their glasses again. Neil drinks his in one more slow pull. Even from here, he can hear Nicky gasp. 

 

“Oh my god! Was that alcohol? Did you just give Neil alcohol, and did he really just drink it? Did I miss the memo that Neil was going to start drinking with us?” 

 

Andrew's glare keeps everyone from asking more questions. At eight, they walk the half mile or so to the office for dinner. The teams bruises from the riot are still dark enough to earn them stares but Neil keeps his hood up and Andrew glares viciously, keeping Neil close. Thankfully the staff were polite enough not to ask and they left without bloodshed. After, Matt lit a fire in the living room and the Foxes curled amongst the couches and chairs and just drank and talked. Neil gets up for a glass of water and finds Aaron in the kitchen. Aaron leads him to the back porch again, to talk. 

 

“Nickys kind of stupid. He made the mistake of saying something to Andrew instead of waiting until he could get you alone. Andrew almost cut him open when he didn't get the hint fast enough. That leaves you with me, since Andrew didn't see the need to warn me off.”

 

That sounded like a threat to Neil. “What is the last time Andrew saw fit to talk to you st all?”

 

“Last Wednesday.” 

 

Neil knew that Aaron had started sitting in on Andrew's sessions with Betsy, but he didn't know that they were actually using the time to work their issues out. The words bring a wave of triumph through his chest. 

 

Aaron continues. “So now you're going to talk to me and I'm going to give you exactly one chance to tell me the truth. Are you really fucking me brother? Do you take your cues from dead men?” 

 

The implications of those words knock the breath out of Neil. “What?” 

 

“Just wondering how you went from your whole ‘I don't date’ high horse, to Andrew's bed. Either you were lying to us to hide the fact you're a flamer, or you saw drake rape Andrew and realized he's easy prey.” 

 

Neil lashes out with the resolution and anger of Nathaniel. But since he is Neil now, he punches Aaron in the mouth, rather than the throat. Pain shoots up his arm, the scabs breaking and burning. How dare he say that, after he went to Evermore to keep Andrew from harm. After seeing photos of what the Ravens had done to him there. How dare Aaron see Andrew as anyone's victim-- as anything but strong and capable. 

 

“Fuck you,” Neil growls. “Walk away while you can.” 

 

“Nicky guessed it's nothing more than hate sex. I'm hedging my bets on it being something more. We'll know soon enough, right?” 

 

“Stay out of it.” 

 

“I won't. You wanted me to fight for her. Do you think he'll fight for you?” 

 

“No.” Andrew himself had said that Neil was nothing, that there was nothing between them, no ‘this’. It wasn't the same as what Aaron felt for Katelyn, surely. 

 

 

 

Note: you guys are going to looove the first half of the second chapter. So stay tuned!


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I was having the worst evening and I went through to clean my inbox and reread all the great messages and I just-- you guys are so great? When I broke my finger I got so much love!! And you're soooo supportive over the holidays. Seriously you guys are so imaging. You've earned yourself another chapter :)

Neil undresses and redressed in sleep clothes with help from Andrew, who is mostly gentle. Neil eyes the bed with trepidation. He had only ever shared a bed with his mother, and had gotten used to sleeping alone. And that was before Evermore, too. Neil wonders at the chances of waking from a nightmare and hurting Andrew before he can stop himself. 

 

Andrew doesn't seem so hesitant, and Neil follows his lead. He leans into the kiss that Andrew presses to his lips, lets Andrew's hands wander across his clothed shoulders and back and chest. His kisses are not gentled because of the injuries on Neil's face, but his hands are careful on Neil's body. Andrew lays him back on the bed because he knows Neil can't support his body with the stitches on his chest and bandages on his arms. He tucks Neil's shirt up around his head with Neil's consent. Andrew is careful not to make him feel trapped or crowded, kissing his way down Neil's scars. 

 

Andrew compared the individual scars to the stories Neil had confessed on the bus to Bighampton. The bullet hole where he had been shot, the iron brand where his father had burned him, the one on his collar where someone had held a knife to his throat. 

 

Andrew didn't know the stories to at least half of them. There was a shapeless scrape of scar from his left shoulder to his navel that looked like road burn, larger overlapping scars on his abdomen looked old enough to have been from his childhood, though many were new enough to be from Riko. Andrew didn't know how Nathaniel had gotten the roadburn and he never spoke about his childhood. But those were questions for another time. 

 

He mapped the scars with his lips and tongue and careful scrapes of teeth. He memorized what was numb and what was overly sensitive and what made Neil whimper in a very good way. The babble of ‘yes, Andrew, yes’ told him to keep going. It was for both their benefit-- to remind Neil that it was Andrew touching him, and to let the blonde know that everything was okay, and very much wanted. Blue eyes follow Andrew's movement. 

 

The chatter got mildly annoying by the time Andrew was sucking marks around Neil's hip bones. But it was almost… a fond annoyance? An annoyance he didn't mind, which was a new feeling. Neil was always bringing out these new feelings he didn't know he could feel anymore, and it was why he both hated him, and needed him to stay. Andrew had spent a long time trying to feel something real-- had spent hours on rooftops remembering fear because at least it was something other than apathy and boredom or anger. It kept him interested. 

 

Neil is loud enough that Andrew nearly tells him that it's just kissing, he hasn't even touched Neil's cock yet. But he remembers that Neil has never been like this willingly with anyone but Andrew. For so long, touch has been a harsh thing to Neil. Andrew understands all too well. And he wants Neil to remember that Andrew is safe, won't hurt him, and this is his way of reminding the idiot. That, and he thinks loud enough to keep Andrew awake. He doesn't want Neil to think himself into nightmares tonight, though bad dreams are almost inevitable tonight. He wants to be the one to make Neil to feel good. 

 

He takes Neil in his mouth again, slower this time. After all the pain of the weekend, and all of Neil's wounds-- both mental and physical-- still aching, Andrew wants Neil to feel good. Instead of ‘fine’. 

 

Andrew lets Neil weave his hands into his hair, and the idiot grips tight enough that he hisses in pain a few times, and Andrew has to remind the idiot. Neil's babbles turn into moans. He wonders how solid the wall floor is, then decides that he doesn't give a damn if the others hear them. 

 

Neil comes with Andrew's name on his tongue and Andrew swallows, if only to save on the mess. Andrew snakes a hand into his sweats and comes soon after. Neil is a pliant pile of bones and flesh when Andrew is finished with him. Too blissed to feel anxious about sharing the bed. 

 

Andrew fetches a wet washcloth from the adjoining bathroom and cleans himself. Neil is already redressed in sleep pants and a big shirt. The junkie looks good, sex-mussed and satisfied. Andrew checks the idiots bandages for bleeding, but they look fine. He lets the junky pull him into a few soft kisses before he turns the light out and catches a few hours of rest before the nightmares start. 

 

 

Neil dreams about suffocating in that black trunk. He can feel nameless hands touching him, and he wants them to stop but either nobody hears him begging or they don't care. Probably the latter. Nobody had ever cared when he begged. Hands spreading his legs apart is almost a familiar feeling, but he can't see who they are. He can't move his arms, they're pinned down by a weight he can't see. Maybe cuffs, maybe hands, it doesn't matter. His arms burn with it, like fire licking at his nerves. 

 

Pain strikes up his spine as memories twist in the dark. Somebody fucks him and they don't care when he begs them to stop. His shoulder burns. Is someone biting him? Probably. His skin feel sticky with blood and other things. He still can't breath. Riko's hands must be choking him, but he still can't see. We're the walls of Evermore really this dark? He wants to fight against the hands holding him but he can't see. 

 

Neil feels his eyes open and his muscles jerk and he can hear his pulse in his ears, so he knows he should be awake. But the room is pitch black around him still, and he can feel someone in bed with him. Neil thought he was awake somewhere safe, and away from Evermore and he knows how much Riko loved catching Neil unaware. He doesn't know where he is but it doesn't matter because someone is in bed with him, and that has never been a good thing, not when his shoulder throbs and his arm burn. 

 

Neil scrambles from the bed with the grace of a clumsy three legged dog. He throws himself from the bed but his legs are tangled in sheets. His legs twist on the bed but his torso falls to the floor. Neil tries to catch himself on his arms and yelps at the pain that it causes. 

 

Someone curses and the bed shakes with the movement of the other person's weight. He sees the shadow reach out to him. Fear makes Neil gasp out a warning. 

 

“Don’t touch me!” 

 

The hand retreats with another curse. There are other words, but Neil doesn't listen as he kicks his legs to be free of the sheets. His ass falls to the floor next, but it doesn't hurt as much as he thinks it should. 

 

Neil stumbles away until his back hits the wall. A lamp clicks on and Neil doesn't recognize the room around him. He does recognize the shadowy door, and fumbles at the knob with his bandaged hands. He's out into the living room before he remembers where he is. The fireplace has burned out by now, but light filters in from the moon outside. He recognizes the walls of the cabin at Blueridge. And then Andrew's shadowed figure following him out and stopping out of arm's reach. 

 

He looks rumpled from sleep and scowling. Neil had probably woken him rudely. But he's too glad to see Andrew to care. The relief makes his legs shake as the adrenaline fades away. 

 

“Andrew. Sorry.”

 

“Shut up. You good?” 

 

Neil nods but lets his legs collapse to the floor. Andrew doesn't look like he's going to come any closer but Neil wants him close while his heart still tries to still. When he blinks he sees the black walls and sheets of Evermore. He can still feel the phantom sensation of hands on his skin. He just wants Andrew beside him. He reaches a hand out and beckons to the blonde. 

 

Andrew kneels in front of him and clasps the back of Neil's neck. Neil curls forward over his aching hands, until his forehead brushes Andrew's knees. He stays like that until the shaking subsides and his breathing calms. After that he lets Andrew drag him bed again. 

 

The next day they hike in the morning and sign up for a horseback ride after lunch. Neil has a hard time holding the reins with his bandages, so Matt helps Neil sit in front of Andrew on a double saddle on a larger horse. Andrew holds him steady as they ride, careful of the stitches on his chest. It's a two hour ride with Andrew's firm chest at his back and strong arms nearly wrapped around him. 

 

When they get back to the cabin Andrew unwraps Neil's bandages so he can shower-- who knew he was allergic to horses? Neil's face and neck were itchy where the horse had nuzzled him for a treat. Neil showers and comes out in a towel. He's surprised to find Renee on the bed with three bottles of water for them. She doesn't so much as flinch at his exposed scars and the gruesome injuries. 

 

“Are you going to let them air?” She asks, analyzing them with a critical eye. 

 

“I should, but I don't want these on display,” Neil admits. 

 

“I will ask them not to say anything,” she offers kindly. 

 

When Neil doesn't object, she slips from the room, supposedly to go talk to the others. Andrew helps Neil pull on boxers and black sweats and roughly towels his sopping hair before dragging him out. 

 

He's grateful that Renee talked to them because their reactions already want him to turn back around. Allison looks away as quickly as she can, eyes diverted to Renee. Nicky flinches and does the same but Aaron openly stares. Dan nearly says something before Neil flinches and she catches herself. Or maybe Andrew's glare reminds her. Matt goes from shock to anger in an instant. 

 

Kevin stares in obvious scrutiny. “Can you still play?” 

 

“Yes. It's going to hurt, and if the Bearcats get too rough next week I'll have some problems, but I still have my grip.” Neil makes a fist to prove his point, though it burns and some of the scabs crack. “I'll just be extra careful.” 

 

Dan tries to protest, and for once, Neil thinks she might be right. There was no way he would be ready to play in a week, not in a rough contact game. He cedes. 

 

“I trust you. Thank you.” 

 

“Oh wow!” Nicky gasps. “Who's humanizing who in that relationship, anyway?”

 

Andrew reaches for the knife block and Neil is glad Renee is there to bat it away. 

 

Neil curls in the corner of the sectional and Andrew sits protectively in front of him. He taps an uneven beat on his fingers, and ignores the way Neil's leg just over Andrew's knee. Just enough that the warmth of a safe body can ground Neil from the uncertainty he feels, being so bare. Nicky fetches drinks and Matt puts something on the television.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Considering more Raven angst...


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mostly only posted this so I could ask you all the questions at the end...

After a night of hot kisses and drinking, Neil is woken by Neil's tapping on the door. He jumps awake, scrambling for the gun he used to keep under his pillow. Instead, he accidentally smacks Andrew and shoots more pain up his arm. Andrew had left a lamp on last night, and Neil can see the annoyance on his face. He leaves Neil in bed, but he can hear Andrew and Renee's voices just outside the door. 

 

“I'm sorry,” she whispers. “I need to borrow your car. I will bring it back before we check out.”

 

“Renee?” Neil wonders what she needs with Andrew's car in the middle of the night. 

 

“Kengo is dead.” She announces. 

 

Neil know immediately that Riko will not have handled the news well. Jean would have taken the brunt of Riko's anger. 

 

“Jean?” 

 

“Riko hurt him. I am going to go get him.” She says calmly. 

 

“They won't let you into Evermore,” Neil tells her. 

 

Her smile does not falter. “Yes they will.” 

 

Andrew handed her the keys and she's gone. Neil's thoughts turn to Jean and Riko's favorite brand of torture. He remembers being beaten with Exy racquets and strangled and drowned and cut into. But if Riko was truly furious, he would likely lack creativity and go straight to the beating and cutting. Neil shudders at the memories. And it must truly be bad if Jean had to ask Renee for help. 

 

“Shut up,” Andrew blurts. 

 

“I didn't say anything.”

 

“I can hear you thinking about it. Quit.”

 

Neil sits silently again, scowling at Andrews back. The blonde's breath evens out as he falls asleep. Neil stays awake, stewing in his dark thoughts and memories. He doesn't sleep again that night. 

 

In the morning they explain everything to the rest of the Foxes. Kevin locks himself upstairs in his bedroom to panic with a bottle of booze. They still go on their hike later that day, and Andrew and Neil lounge on the bank of a river while the others jump in to swim. Matt and the girls run to the store in town for a few essentials. They make s'mores that night, and Neil keeps lighting the marshmallows on fire until Matt takes pity. 

 

That night, it's Andrew who has the nightmares. Neil wakes up when Andrew shifts in the bed, and gets up. Neil drifted to sleep, uncaring. He wakes a little while later to find the bed beside him still empty, and he walks out to find Andrew. There's only one light on in the cabin and Neil follows it to the kitchen. Andrew is sitting cross-legged on the counter with a spoon and a gallon of ice cream. 

 

“Hey.” Neil whispers. Andrew doesn't answer and that's fine. 

 

He grabs himself a bottle of water from the fridge and sits on the other counter across from Andrew. They sit quietly while Andrew shakes off the last fear from his nightmares. They go out for a cigarette and Neil watches the way the light plays in Andrew's hair and casts shadows on his cheeks. He looks impossibly handsome like this. Neil's chest warms with some fond feeling he can't name. 

 

He had came to Palmetto to play Exy, to be someone and belong somewhere, just for a few months. That ‘something he couldn't lose’ had been Exy. But now he thinks that might be changing. Even if Andrew was only using him for hate sex, Neil couldn't help that warm feeling. When everyone else in world felt dangerous, Andrew had been his safe space. A rock to anchor himself to. 

 

Andrew had walked him to classes and bought him a night light and had gone out of his way so many times, for Neil. To make Neil feel safe. And Neil thinks that maybe Andrew might be that thing that would kill him to lose. 

 

Andrew finished his cigarette and they go back to bed. 

 

 

Renee returns late Sunday morning with Andrew's car. She informs them that Jean is alive, and mostly in one piece. Apparently he's in about the same condition that Neil had arrived in, in his return from Evermore. As expected, Kevin retreats back upstairs with a bottle. This time, Neil follows after him. He find Kevin on the bed, his knees brought up to his chin and eyes distant. The bottle is held protectively in his hand. Neil sits cross legged at the end of the bed. 

 

“How do you do it?” Kevin speaks after a few silent moments. “After everything that's happened this year, after Riko and your father and the FBI and knowing Lord Ichirou has found out about you, why aren't you afraid?” 

 

“I am,” Neil admits. “But I'm more afraid of letting go than I am of holding on.”

 

“I don't understand.”

 

“You do, or you wouldn't have trusted Andrew and coach in the first place. Problem is you put yourself in their hands and refused to commit any further than that. You think Riko will hurt you for your defiance, so you're afraid of stepping too far out of line. But this middle ground won't save you forever. Kevin, figure out what you want more than anything, what it would kill you to lose. That's what you have to lose if you let Riko win. Calculate the cost of your fear. If it's too much, you need to fight. Wouldn't you rather die trying, than never try at all?” It's the most words he's spoken to Kevin since the pictures were released. 

 

“It's death either way.” 

 

“Die free or die a failure. The choice is yours, but pick your side before you see Jean again. If he think you're bluffing you'll never win him over.” 

 

Kevin doesn't say anything, and Neil takes that as his cue to leave. He hopes that Wymack was right earlier, when he said that Kevin had began looking to Neil for courage. 

 

Andrew and Neil showered together again, though Andrew kept only his boxers and armbands on this time. Then he dressed Neil's wounds and helped him slip into jeans and a long shirt. They packed and loaded the cars, then drove down to the office for breakfast and checkout. 

 

On the way home, they stop at Abby's so Kevin can see Jean. They tell Wymack of their decision to keep him, just until he's better. Andrew doesn't want to take on another Raven and they agree that they Foxes have enough trouble, between Kevin and Andrew and Neil. But they'll hide him until he has somewhere safe to go. 

 

“Neil, the board knows you're coming back today.” 

 

“They want to talk?” Neil guesses. 

 

“They told me to call them as soon as you've returned. Have you returned?” 

 

It was tempting to procrastinate as long as possible. But then, this can't be any worse than the ‘leaked’ photos of his rape. And classes start tomorrow, so he won't have long to hide. 

 

“Yeah. I'm back.” 

 

Wymack leaves, and when he comes back Neil motions for Andrew to stay while he follows coach. Wymack drove him to the house of Charles Whittier, college president. 

 

“Chuck.” 

 

“Coach,” Whittier replies and welcomes them in. Neil still has bandages on most of his face and he can see Whittier staring. He leads them back past the kitchen to his office and gives them both a glass of iced tea. Neil clutches it to steady his shaking hands. 

 

“Lets begin.”

 

Neil and Coach Wymack are out on a phone conference with at least twenty different people that Neil doesn't know. They discuss Neil's leaked photos, and the bad press it had brought the school and coach argued on Neil's behalf, stubborn and furious at some of the accusations thrown the boys way.

 

Neil is give a chance to present his side. He insists that the photos weren't taken with his knowledge, and swore that it would never be an issue again. Talking about it is one of the hardest things Neil has ever done, but by the end of it, most of the men are on Neil's side, with sympathy. Next is Nathan and last weekend's disaster. Through all of it, Coach staunchly defends Neil. 

 

After they have finished interrogating Neil, they bickered amongst themselves. About how it would look if they released Neil at the end of the year. Neil, an obvious abuse victim of at least one sort, though the question none of them dared to ask was if Neil had been raped, too. But nobody actually asks if it had been non consensual, because none of them want to know. Then they weigh the benefits of keeping him-- his Exy stats and the upcoming championships, and the promotion of abuse victim survivors. 

 

Neil becomes increasingly uncomfortable, sipping his tea and gnawing at his lip and pulling at his hair with bandages fingers that shake. What would he do if Palmetto State doesn't want him?

 

Wymack only tolerates this for a few minutes. “Look,” he barks. 

 

“Look!” Again, louder. The chatter on the phone quiets. Wymack proceeds to give the longest speech he has ever heard from the man. And far more persuasive and motivational than his usual pre-game pep talk. He ended with admitting Kevin Day was his biological son, and the news would be released after the blood results came back. 

 

Coach returns him to Andrew, who had been waiting for Neil. He doesn't sleep much that night, either. 

 

On Monday, classes start. Neil walks to his first class on his own, and is badgered by kids asking questions Neil didn't want to answer. They were annoying at best, and disturbing at worst. Neil replied with ‘I don't want to talk about it,’ repeated louder and louder when someone wouldn't listen. By the end of first period, Neil is reconsidering his decision to venture out today. He thinks maybe he should have stayed in the dorms. Between the photos and the news of his father, Neil was constantly harassed, even in class. 

 

He was more than relieved when Andrew was there after class to walk him to second period. Andrew had to physically shove a few exceptionally stupid people away, but Neil at least appreciated the company. 

 

 

At the end of Andrew's day, he slips off campus, to Abby's. Neil can walk himself back from his last period easily enough, and there is a Frenchman in need of interrogation. He picks now to do this, because he knows Abby will be at the store. He picks the locks on the door and lets himself in. 

 

Jean is asleep when Andrew enters, but he startles awake when the door slams open. He eyes Andrew warily, as he should. Jean knows how unstable Andrew is-- everybody speaks of Andrew like they would a beaten pittbull. Everyone but Neil, who rarely talked about Andrew-- but when he did, it was with care. Riko had gotten to Neil by using Andrew as leverage. It was obvious that Neil thought Andrew was something special, but Jean didn't see it as he sits under the blonde's scrutiny. 

 

“Jean. Jean Valjean.” 

 

“What?” He snaps. “What do you want?” 

 

“From you? Nothing.” 

 

He flicks a knife out of his band and takes a step forward. Jeans face pales more. 

 

“You touched what was mine-- you hurt Neil. You held him down for Riko and touched him and raped him when your master ordered you to.” Andrew does not phrase this as a question. Neil may not have told him, but he can guess. Jean does not protest, and Andrew takes that as a confirmation. “Why shouldn't I kill you?” 

 

Jean stares at him, frightened and then resolute. The face of a man waiting for death. 

 

“I did. I didn't want to, but I did. You can't defy Riko in the Nest. We did what we had to, to survive.” 

 

Andrew considers him, for a moment. Andrew could kill him, and nobody would know where he went. They would assume he returned to Riko and the Moriyamas, or had fled to France or something. Of course, Neil would know better. And he had already told Andrew that he didn't blame Jean, that Andrew should leave him be. He reconsiders, but keeps his knife in hand. 

 

“Listen carefully, because I won't repeat myself. You do not touch Neil again. You don't look at Neil, you don't speak to Neil. I won't be so nice if we have to have another chat. Do you understand?” 

 

Jean nods. “Yes. I understand.” 

 

Andrew turns to leave but Jean speaks again. 

 

“Riko wants him. If you don't win championships, Neil will have to sign with the Ravens. If you care for him like he cares for you, do not let Riko have him again.” 

 

Andrew growls. “Never again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of you wanted angst but like... in almost done with chapter 40 and if 10/10 angst is death, then chapter 40 is like 8.5/10 ,,, thoughts? How much angst did you little monsters want because I just love tearing these boys apart. Someone stop me.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mostly just posted this so I could ask the question at the end... comment your thoughts!!

Neil Is stopped on his way back from his last class-- Andrew must be busy, or in class, because he wasn't there to escort him back to the dorms. 

 

A tall Japanese man stops him. Neil follows the man to the nearest parking lot and into a plain black car with dark windows. They took him to an empty construction site at the other end of campus. Another car waited there for him. 

 

Ichirou Moriyama wore a black silk suit, an expensive haircut, and a stern face. Everything about the man screamed power and wealth. Neil had grown up around it enough to know. 

 

“May I come in?” He asks before he steps into the other car. Nathan had raised him with manners, after all. Lord Moriyama waves him inside wordlessly. Neil sits. 

 

“Do you know who I am?” 

 

“Yes,” Neil answers. “You are Lord Moriyama.” 

 

“Yes. You are aware that my father is dead? I have not yet heard your condolences.” 

 

“Offering them seems presumptuous. It assumes you value my words but I'm just a nobody.” This is Nathaniel speaking-- he had grown amongst men like this, was supposed to have belonged to them. The Moriyamas have no use for Neil but Nathaniel may still be an asset for them, and this is Nathaniel's element. 

 

“You are not no one. That is why I am here. You understand.” 

 

“My father is dead at my uncles hands and the FBI is investigating what is left of his ring. I am a loose end that must be dealt with one way or another.” 

 

Neil hopes he lives to see Andrew after this conversation. Because he brings up Riko next, and the trouble the young man can-- and has-- caused for his family. He tells Ichirou about Proust and the money trail there, and the leaked photos Nathaniel's rape that could incriminate nearly half of the Ravens lineup, and the loss of both Jean and Kevin due to Riko's abuse. The man listens intently, but Nathaniel makes no assumptions. 

 

“I'm not saying your brother is out of line, but he is not being careful. He is escalating because he feels threatened, but there is too many people watching now. They will catch him soon enough, and I am afraid of what will fall back on you. I won't ally myself with such a risk, so I cannot play for your uncle at Edgar Allan. I'm sorry.” This is Neil speaking. Nathaniel would have run. Neil is the one that keeps fighting to stay. 

 

“Look me in the eye and listen very carefully.” Neil drags his gaze to meet the Japanese man's. “Where I come from, a man's word is only as good as his name, and his name earns weight from the blood he has spilled for my family. You are untested and untrue. You are not worth the air you breathe. I would balance the red in my ledger with your death and consider it a fair repayment.” 

 

Neill tries not to let the uncertainty show on his face. He balances on a very thin edge here, dancing on the blade of a knife. 

 

“However,” Lord Ichirou continues. “You are your father's son and your father was someone to me. He is the reason I came down here myself when I could have sent anyone to speak with you. Do you know what I will do with you if I think you are wasting my time? Do you know what I will do to anyone you have ever met or spoken to? I will kill everyone who has ever stood by you and I will make each death last a lifetime.” 

 

Neil knows this is not a threat, it is a promise. He doesn't want the Foxes to pay for any mistake Neil might make in the future. The thought of Andrew hurt makes him sick. “What can I do to convince you I'm telling the truth?” 

 

“Nothing,” Lord Ichirou dismisses. He says a few words in Japanese to the two men up front, but it sounded like he was going to let Nathaniel live. But then again, he could be arranging the messy deaths of all the Foxes. Neil waits anxiously. 

 

“Perhaps your life has a price tag, after all.” 

 

Eighty perfect of Nathaniel's professional pay. Similar deals for Kevin Day and Jean Moreau. The relief hits Neil hard enough to nearly make him sick. They were letting him live, they were letting Jean and Kevin stay. They belonged to Ichirou now, which looked a fair sight better than belonging to Tetsuji, or more accurately, Riko. 

 

“I understand. I'll talk to Kevin and Jean immediately. We will not fail you.” 

 

“Then for now you are dismissed.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

He doesn't really believe he's free until the car drops him off in front of Fox Tower. Instead of going inside, he walks in a shocked haze to Kevin's History class. He sits with his back safely against the wall and waits for Kevin to get out. 

 

Neil rises to his feet and gets Kevin's attention. He speaks in French. “I'm taking you to Abby's. We have to talk to Jean.”

 

“Not right now,” Kevin tries to dismiss. 

 

“Yes now,” Neil insists. He grabs Kevin's jacket on the way by, dragging him to a stop. “Ichirou came to see us.” 

 

Kevin's face pales and he looks over Neil for injuries. But Ichirou is not his brother, and he hadn't seen the need to beat the lesson into Neil. He knows it could have been much worse. 

 

“Don't joke about such things.” He stares at Neil in disbelief. He knows that Kevin is seeing Nathaniel, the darker half of him. But Kevin is wrong. Nathaniel was good with pain, and surviving, and running. It was Neil who would tear himself to pieces trying to stay-- it was Neil who made the deal with Ichirou. “No. He won't even see Riko. He wouldn't come here.” 

 

“Come on.” Neil drags Kevin to the dorms so Andrew can drive them to see Jean. He's happy to take a cigarette when Andrew lights two and hands him one. 

 

Jean is asleep when they arrive but Neil knows this is important enough to wake him. Jean was a loose end expecting execution. Neil knows he would want to know he's free now. 

 

Neil lets Kevin and Andrew follow behind him and knocks only a second before he pushes the door open. He hasn't seen Jean since Evermore. He visibly tenses when he sees it's Neil there. Neil shoves his hands deep in his pockets, though it hurts, so Jean knows he won't touch him. 

 

He looks rough. Riko had nearly killed him this time. Jean's face is one swollen bruise. His nose is broken and both his eyes are blackened, his lips busted and swollen and stitched. Pieces of hair have been torn away. Stitches hold his chin and cheek together. Neil knows there must be scores of stitches under his clothes and bandages, and he shudders to think what else might have been done. 

 

“Hello Jean,” Neil says softly. 

 

“Go away. I have nothing to say to you.” Jean's voice is hoarse with pain and hatred. He understands that Jean has every right to hate Neil, for the punishments Neil had earned him back in December. That doesn't matter now, that isn't why he's here. 

 

“But you’ll listen because I just told Ichirou where you are.” 

 

Jean pales worse than Kevin had. Neil tells the three of them about Ichirou’s visit and the deal he struck. 

 

“It's not a pardon, and it's not really freedom. But it's protection.” Neil glances at Andrew. “We are assets for the main family now. He King has lost all his men and there is nothing he can do about it without crossing his brother. No more knives, no more handcuffs, no more..” he stumbles. “No more rapes. We're safe. For good.” 

 

Jean breaks into sobs in his hands. Neil understands. He knows that Jean was desperate for a way out, for any way out. He didn't know that Jean was planning his suicide by graduation night. Kevin gives them both a haunted look. He hadn't been touched by so much of Riko's sadism, but he had witnessed enough of it. Kevin hovers beside Jean, whose sobs make Neil's own chest ache. Neil leaves them there to comfort each other-- he knows when he isn't wanted. 

 

Neil walks outside and collapses to sit on the stoop. Andrew does the same, lighting another cigarette for Neil to hold in his shaking hands. Neil lets their knees touch, the barest hint of Andrew's warmth is enough ground him. 

 

“How does it feel to sell yourself out?” Andrew asks him after a few silent moments. 

 

“Worth every penny.” 

 

Kevin stays with Jean or Wymack that night. Neil drags Andrew to dinner with the Foxes that night. He tells them about the deal and it's the closest thing to victory Neil has ever known. After, Neil and Andrew have a few celebratory drinks alone in their suite while some movie plays in the background. It's something Andrew picked out, with lots of swearing and fast cars and explosions. They're pressed close together on the couch, with their thighs and shoulders touching. Andrew eats ice cream straight from the tub. They share a few lazy kisses. 

 

“Exy forever must be a dream come true. Did you cum your pants when he told you?” 

 

“No, only you can make me do that.” Neil smiles. Andrew narrows his eyes. 

 

They sit quietly for another moment while Neil daydreams. “Lets all play in the olympics some day. We'd be unstoppable.” 

 

“Exy is your obsession, not mine.” 

 

“Borrow it until you have something of your own.” Neil tangles his fingers in Andrew's shirt when he tries to pull away. “Isn't any of this fun? Having a place, having a team, a different city every week and cigarettes and drinks in between? I don't want this to end.” 

 

Neil says it sort of breathlessly, like that and Andrew is everything he ever wanted. But Andrew isn't so naive. 

 

“Everything ends.” 

 

Andrew pulls away and leaves. Neil thinks he's gone to bed, but a moment later Andrew returns with a box he drops in Neil's lap, and then walks away again. Neil opens it with ease. Inside is a small lump of black cloth, and he picks them up. It's two black armbands, matching Andrew's. Matching phones, matching coats, matching arm bands. Neil smiles and follows Andrew to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel kind of bad writing the next chapter,,, but it's so much fun? I love tearing these boys apart. I might have gotten carried away. Someone stop me.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is absolutely the most editing I've done to this fic-- seriously, I've had this finished for like 3days, and I just now finished editing because it's just so MUCH. 
> 
> I'm so nervous to post this. Just remember that you guys were ok with anything ‘not death’... welllll, not a Fox death…. Anyway, I'm really sorry. This one got away from me. Read with caution.

The next day begins with Andrew retreating back to his shell. Neil wasn't sure what had caused it, but after he gave Neil the armbands he just-- shut down. Neil gives him the space he obviously needs, and walks himself to class. At practice, Andrew doesn't even try. He doesn't move the racquet once, and glares silently every time someone tries to include him. Even Wymack shushes Dan when she starts to go off on Andrew. He drops the racquet and walks out, and everyone lets him. 

Practice finishes and Kevin goes into their suite. Neil continued to the roof. He finds Andrew there, a cigarette in hand and an open bottle of whiskey by his leg. 

“I should have pushed you over the edge when I had the chance,” Andrew says as Neil sits beside him. An arms length away, because today seems to be a bad day. 

“I'd pull you down with me.” 

Andrew makes a noncommittal sound. Neil leans over to steal his cigarette and a swallow of the whiskey. 

“I'm glad I didn't jump,” Neil says. “This was worth it.” 

“There is no ‘this’.” 

Neil shrugs and stands. When he goes to the suite he finds Kevin staring at the mirror with a pale and tormented expression. Neil thinks he can only be staring at the tattoo on his face. The number that had dictated his place in life for almost 21 years. 

He looks deep in concentration so Neil leaves him be. He work on homework until Andrew comes down. Only then does Kevin look up from his daze. 

“Take me to the court.” Kevin demands. 

Andrew doesn't argue and Neil comes along. Kevin changes out and they watch him shoot balls at an empty goal. Andrew tolerated this until the basket is empty, and he stands. 

“He really is pathetic.” Andrew sighs. 

“Aren't we all?” 

They watch Kevin collect balls and then switch to his left hand. Neil pounds once on the glass and doubles over with the pain it causes. 

“Andrew!” Neil gasps. 

They watch Kevin lob ball after ball at the same spot, practicing with his left hand. Finally he hits his mark, and then again and again, over and over. Andrew surprises them both by leaving and returning in his full goalie gear. 

“You're going to play with him?” 

“Someone needs to keep an eye on that idiot.” 

Andrew doesn't knock, but the sound of the door unlocking is enough to draw Kevin's attention. Andrew sets up in goal, racquet hung lazily over his shoulder. Neil doesn't know why Andrew geared up and went out if he wasn't going to help, and Kevin shot half a dozen goals right past him. 

Kevin must be getting frustrated with his apathy, because the next ball strikes Andrew's helmet. The next ball is deflected right back at Kevin. And then at his knee, again and again. Kevin has to dodge to avoid being hit by Andrew's deadly aim. Kevin scores twice in quick succession, and then their speed picks up. Neil watches, amazed at the skill on the court. He had forgotten how good Kevin was, when he had used his dominant hand. 

Really, it was inevitable that Kevin win. Andrew had raw talent, and speed but Kevin had been trained by the best, from childhood. And he had been beaten for every mistake made. Andrew had only started when he was in juvie, and never trained with the team. Kevin scores five in a row and then throws his racquet aside. He storms up to Andrew and grabs the grill of his face guard to push him against the wall. Kevin has nearly a foot of height on Andrew, crowding him and trapping him. 

Neil knows how Andrew should react-- with a knife in Kevin's gut. He runs to get between them, but he's halfway there when he sees Andrew hasn't moved. His fist was pulled back to strike, but he hadn't yet. He appeared to be listening to whatever Kevin was snarling in his face. 

Andrew drops his arm and pushes Kevin away. Neil watches them march back to the lockers in angry silence. Andrew follows a few moments later and says nothing as Neil starts to pick up the scattered balls. The ride to Fox Tower is silent and Kevin goes straight to bed when they return. Andrew goes to smoke by the window. Neil follows Kevin to bed. 

Kevin is back to his bitchy self on Wednesday morning, and Andrew is still distant. Neil walks himself to class and spends the day avoiding the press and the students still hounding him for answers. They ask about his father, and the photos, and how it will affect the upcoming game. Neil doesn't want to answer any of it, and he is furious and astounded that most everybody thinks nothing about prying into his personal life. The accusations against the Foxes and ‘their venture into bdsm’ actually make Neil feel sick. 

By lunch, he's taking the secluded routes around campus to avoid the people. When class is over, he sneaks his way back to the dorms through the maze of stinking alleys that most people avoid. There's an alley for the dumpsters, between the dorms and another building. 

It's a relief to be inside, away from the prying eyes. Andrew is still being reclusive, so Neil leaves him at the dorms to have dinner with the Foxes. When they return, Andrew is still gone-- probably to the roof of the dorms, or the amphitheater, but Neil thinks he probably needs this alone time. 

Neil's arms ache, so he takes a pill from the doctor and goes to bed early. He dozes for a while, waking when Kevin comes in, and then again when Andrew crawls into the bunk above him. When he sleeps, he dreams of his mother. Of her gripping his shirt and pulling him close. 

‘Never stop running,’ she told him, as fierce as ever. Even as blood bubbled in the corners of her mouth. 

He read somewhere that you can't smell in dreams, but the air smells like chemicals and burning hair. He can feel the darkness close in as he holds her. He can smell blood and sweat and musk now, too. His mother slips from his fingers and hands close around his wrists. 

‘You should have ran, Nathaniel,’ Riko's voice hisses in his ear. The weight of a body settles against Neil's back, down into the mattress until he can't move. He can still hear his mother whispering below Riko's taunting. 

‘Run, run, run,’ she urges him. 

‘You're mine, Nathaniel. Don't be afraid to cry-’ 

‘Run! Run! Run!’ 

Neil jerks awake to see the outline of Kevin sleeping across from him. The room is lit dimly by the night light. 

Neil doesn't even wait to catch his breath before he gets up and walks out. The sleep sweats are fine for jogging, so he doesn't bother changing out. He finds his shoes by the door but he has to go back to the bedroom for a jacket. He sees Andrew glaring at him in the dark. 

“What are you doing?” Andrew asks as Neil looks for his Exy hoodie. Andrew doesn't bother to whisper because Kevin sleeps through everything. 

“I'm going for a run.” 

“At two a.m?” 

Neil shrugs. Andrew scowls for a moment before he sighs and lies back down. 

“Andrew? Yes or no.” 

Andrew lets Neil kiss him once, quickly. It's more of a reassurance than affection, and Andrew allows it. 

“Don't do anything stupid,” Andrew warns him. 

Neil shakes his head so his red bangs shake into his eyes. “I won't. I'll be back for breakfast.” 

“Take your phone,” Andrew reminds him. It's charging beside his bed where he plugged it in, and he puts it in his pocket. 

Neil does a few cursory stretches before he begins lapping perimeter road. The sky is dark and the light pollution hides the stars. The street lights make the path shadowed and orange. The sweat burns his wounds but he keeps running until he can't think. Until Neil can't feel anything besides the burning in his muscles and his panting breath.

He doesn't stop running until his anxiety is exhausted and his muscles tremble from the abuse. It's been more than an hour, his phone reads four thirty. They would have to be up for practice in two and a half hours, so Neil uses the last of his energy to jog back to the dorms. 

He is half way to the tower when he sees someone following him, half a block behind. Someone else is across the street. Neil cuts through the alley and sprints toward the dorm. He reaches into his pocket to flip his phone open and calls Andrew on the speed dial, careful to leave it in his pocket so the men don't see him calling for help. 

A large man springs from the shadows and tackles Neil to the ground. His injured shoulder hits the ground first, followed by his head and then the rest of him. The air is forced from his lungs in a wheeze. He recognizes the voice when the man speaks. 

“Still such a quick little fuck.” 

It's Jameson, one of the backliners for the Ravens. One of the men who had raped Neil over Christmas, who had made Neil finally break enough to call Riko ‘king’, and to beg for mercy. Of course, there had been none. 

Neil doesn't even have time for his blood to freeze or his heart to race as he is tackled to the ground. He thinks, ‘no, not again-- never again’. More footsteps echo through the night as the other two men followed them into the alley. 

Neil tries to strike out, but Jameson has his wrists clenched in his hands. He brings a knee up to the man's crotch, and pulls his wrists free. Neil punches the man in the side of the head to push him off, and then rolls to his feet. There are two men blocking both ends of the alley. 

Neil strikes out at the first man to approach him-- it doesn't matter which one it is. He ducks around Neil's fist and tackles him against the wall. The back of Neil's head bounces against the brick and he sees sparks. 

Someone throws Neil down and someone else grabs his arms. One of the men holds his feet from kicking. They try to tear the sweatpants from his hips and Neil fights to kick out. The heel of his shoe crunches against someone's throat-- he can hear them gag. He hopes he kicked hard enough to kill the man. 

“You little shit,” someone growls at him. Another voice he recognizes, but it doesn't matter. 

Neil claws at the hands holding him, and a second man kicks Neil in his ribs and back. He curls on his side, and bites the leg of the man holding his arms. The grip loosens with a yelp and a curse. Neil scrambles for anything to use as a weapon, but there is none. Too late, Neil thinks he should have borrowed Andrew's knives. He stands there between the men, weaponless. 

"Be good, Nathaniel. I've missed you. The way you wiggled around when I fucked you, you were perfect. Riko's perfect Raven whore,” the boy grins. 

“I'm not Nathaniel anymore, and I will never be Riko’s.” Neil snarls. 

“He sent us here to have some fun, to remind you where you belong. Now, if you be good and bend over, we’ll be nice about it. If not, I'll enjoy making you bleed.” His voice is rough from Neil's kick to his throat. 

“Don't touch me!” Neil takes a step back. There are two men in front of him, and one behind. Three-on-one are not good odds, but hopefully Andrew would be here soon. 

Neil settles on rushing the one man behind him-- he nearly gets around him, but those blows to the head must be making him slow because a meaty hand grabs his hood and yanks. Neil falls back and his phone clatters out of his pocket. The three men are on him before he can stand, and Neil kicks out. Someone grabs his arms and someone grabs his ankles. The cuts on his arms burn as someone squeezes bruises over the injuries. 

“Let go of me! Let go, you sadistic fucks!” 

Someone laughs. "The mouth on you!"

They pull his hoodie over his face and tie it there, so Neil can't see to fight back. He kicks out blindly, pulling uselessly against the grip on his arms, despite how much it hurts. His fingers claw uselessly at empty air. Unwanted hands stroke over Neil's abs and scars, and then pinch some of the sensitive skin there. 

The men roll Neil so he lies on his stomach, and the gravel cold and rough against his flesh. The grip on his leg loosens just a little and he can kick his leg back-- he feels the hit of something something solid, maybe a chest or a shoulder. 

“Some of a bitch! You little cunt,” the man curses. Someone punches Neil in the kidneys a few times. The other two men laugh. 

“That's twice now! Little bitch kicks like a goddamn fucking mule. Come help me hold him.” 

Neil's blood thrums with panic. He tries to scream but it comes out too muffled to carry. 

Hands pull Neil's sweatpants and boxers from his hips and he can feel the night air on his skin. He thinks he might be shaking, but it isn't from the cold. Neil keeps thrashing, even as he hears the sound of a zipper opening behind him. Next, the hands on his ass-- meaner, rougher than Andrew ever is. 

 "Don't fucking touch me!" Neil tries to yell at them, but the material muffles it. 

“Can't wait to fuck you again-- that ass.” He slaps Neil's rear in emphasis. 

One of the Ravens kneel on the back of Neil's thighs, pinning them. Fingers shove inside of him, blunt and too wide. It burns and Neil forces himself to quit thrashing before he tears something inside of him-- he had learned that lesson from Riko. Neil screams, and it comes out muffled. 

The men laugh around him and the fingers pull away. He starts struggling again as soon as the touch is gone, kicking out and trying to free his hands. Something bigger and hotter than fingers nudge at his hole. Neil bucks and screams, he fights to get away. He tries to get his limbs lose but three on one is too much. The Raven shoves his way into Neil slowly, ignoring the way his victim screams. He's just starting to thrust when something makes him pause. 

One of the men shouts. “Hey! This is none of your business, keeping moving.” 

Neil did not hear the footsteps approaching, but the man pulls his cock out of Neil quickly, painfully. His wrists are let free as the men stand. A booted foot on his back keeps him down. They left his pants around his knees and the cold ground scrapes his stomach and hips and cock. 

“Fuck off, midget!” 

And then-- “oh fuck, is that Minyard?” 

And the smack of metal against bone, and someone howling in pain. The sounds of a fight begin around him. Now that his hands are free Neil tears a seam in his hoodie, ripping it away from his face. He scrambles for his sweatpants next, tugging them up as far as he can. Only then does he look around-- Andrew swings a crowbar at one of the men, and Renee is luring one of the men back with her knives on hand. 

Neil notices there are four Ravens-- one must have been keeping watch somewhere. Poorly, apparently-- probably distracted by his teammates stripping Neil down. 

Neil is in a bad position for fighting, but he punches the man's leg anyway. It isn't enough to injure, but the Raven lifts his leg off of Neil's back and moves to kick him in the head. Neil grabs his foot and forces it upward, over him, and yanks. The other man topples backward onto the ground. 

Neil sees Renee knock one man out by slamming his head forcefully into the bricks. Andrew is pinned face-first against the brick by two of the Ravens. Renee forces one of them away, and Neil ignores his pain and jumps onto the back of another. 

Neil's legs wrap around the man's torso and Neil chokes him with his arms around his throat. The man stumbles back and knocks Neil against the dumpster, trying to dislodge him, but Neil tightens his grip. The man claws at Neil's arms, and his wounds ache because of it, but he doesn't dare let go. 

These men have beat him and raped him and has given him just as much to fear as his father had. He still had nightmares about these men, and others too. He doesn't want them coming after him again. He refuses to be weak, to be a target. Neil tightens his grip around the man's throat. With a cruel twist of his shoulders, Neil breaks the man's neck and he drops. 

Andrew and Renee look over the scene, three men on the ground, one unconscious and one dead, the last could be either. The fourth man flees. Andrew looks like he wants to go after him, but Neil is more important. Their eyes checking Neil over for obvious injuries. He's bruised and shaking and his hole is burning from the intrusion. His arms ache from the fighting. Mentally, he isn't sure yet. 

“Thank you.” Neil's voice doesn't shake, but the rest of him does. 

“Are you okay, Neil?” Renee asks. Gone is her permanent smile, replaced with the blank face of violence. 

Neil shrugs, “I'm fine.” 

His ass and arms burn and his legs and torso ache from the beating. But he doesn't think there had been any tearing. Neil doesn't feel any blood there, it just hurts, he's fine. He should be fine. 

Andrew gives him a look, to which Neil shakes his head. “I'm okay, Andrew. It's not that bad,” lie. “I'm not bleeding. Worry about me later.” 

Andrew takes the few steps forward, closing the space between them. He lets Neil fist his hands in the front of Andrew's shirt. In exchange, Neil lets Andrew grip the back of his neck. Neil drops his head down to Andrew's shoulder, and the blonde holds him there for a moment while he trembles and fights to compartmentalize what had just happened. 

All three of are still dressed their pajamas. It's probably after five in the morning, and there is at least one dead man with them. 

“Are they dead?” Neil asks, staring over Andrew's shoulder, to Renee. She checks the bodies- two unconscious, one dead with a broken neck.

“Just this one.” She states calmly. 

“For now. I should slit their throats as a warning to every other pervert who wants to fuck Neil,” Andrew says coldly. The grip on Neil's neck tightens. 

“You can't protect me if you're in prison,” Neil reminds him. 

“I don't think Riko will be sending any more Ravens, once he knows Jameson is dead,” Renee, the voice of reason. “The other might come back for his friends later. We should move the dead one, though, if we don't want to get arrested.” 

Renee points to the Masarati. Andrew nods once. Renee pops the trunk and Neil and Andrew heave the dead man inside. It pulls at his injuries, but those aren't the priority-- getting the dead man out of sight is. 

Sitting in the passenger seat hurts. Renee had suggested he lay in the backseat, but Neil would rather be as vertical as possible right now. Renee has Andrew drive to the dorms and she runs upstairs to borrow the keys to Matt’s truck and clothes without blood on them. 

“I doubt Ichirou or Tetsuji will be pleased.” 

Neil cringed at the reminder. “I'd better call uncle Stuart to let him know what to expect.” 

The conversation is quick and Stuart is sure that Ichirou will not have minded Neil taking care of a loose end for him, provided they clean up after themselves. 

Rather than wake Kevin or search through their clothes, Renee brings them some of her own sweatpants and shirts. Andrew takes the black ones and throws the purple sweats and white shirt to Neil. She also passes Neil a few white pills. 

“Painkillers, left over from Abby. Just in case. They're fairly mild, so they shouldn't put you to sleep.” 

Neil swallows then dry. 

Renee follows them in Matt's truck as Neil directs Andrew down an unpaved road. The sky is still dark, but slowly lightening into dawn. Neil pulls over on a flat stretch of road, before the Maserati bottoms out on any of the rough terrain. The two of them move the dead Raven from the trunk to inside Matt’s metal toolbox. 

Andrew is loath to leave the Maserati behind, but it's fairly safe on the rarely traveled country road. They drive the truck into the country, using the four wheel drive to crawl through a creek and over rocks. They stop just as the sun peeks over the trees-- they're nearly two hours up the mountain. They pull over and burn the body, bury the bones and then collapse a small mountain of boulders over top. 

It's another two hours down to the Maserati, and another hour to Palmetto. Neil wishes he could sleep but every time he closes his eyes he sees the Ravens faces and can feel their hands They run both vehicles through a car wash and shampoo the trunk of the Maserati. Renee sprays the inside of Matt’s toolbox thoroughly. It's past noon before they return to Palmetto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. This one didn't start out that bad it just... snowballed, the more I reread what a canon piece of shit Riko is. And then I thought 'oh, my readers would love/hate this! Let me know what you think cause I'll edit if it's terribly ooc or something.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another!! Sorry for the wait. I ran out of the rewrites. Enjoy!!

The Foxes are waiting anxiously in the girl’s room when they return. They drop Renee with the upperclassmen and Neil lets Andrew steer him towards their room. Kevin stays with the others and Andrew locks him out with a chair against the door knob. Neil hadn't said as much, but Andrew knows that he doesn't want a crowd of people around him right now. Not when Neil is still hurting and trying to compartmentalize what had happened in the alley. Neil needs a few moments alone to deal with his injuries. 

 

Neil turns the water in the shower as hot as he can stand it and strips from Renee's borrowed clothes. He lets the water burn him, and he checks for blood in his boxers. He had gotten off lightly this time, he wasn't bleeding. The man hadn't had time to do any real damage, had just roughed him up and shoved in. The water stings his arms and the scrapes on his back and chest and pelvis. It's steaming hot, but Neil still shakes, he can't seem to stop the shivers that make his legs and hands tremble. He stays until the water runs cold and Andrew bangs on the door. 

 

“I'm fine. You can come in.”

 

Andrew brings him a towel and some clothes that will fit a little loose on Neil's body. If he sees how badly Neil is shaking, he doesn't mention it. The baggy sweatpants are discarded in favor of jeans. The rougher material rubs his scrapes and bruises, but Neil wants something that's more difficult to take off-- something that doesn't just slip off his hips. He hides his torsos in another long sleeved short and the fuzzy blue sweater. He pulls the sleeves over his knuckles and worries at the hem. 

 

Andrew tries to keep his space but Neil pulls him closer. When they finally leave the suite they get swarmed by their teammates. Matt reaches a hand out to Neil's shoulder and he flinches back. Andrew glares at them all until they take a step back. 

 

“What happened? Renee came in at, like, six this morning and needed to borrow my truck. She said there was an emergency, but wouldn't tell me what. Did you get in a fight?” Matt gives Neil a concerned look, watching the way he limps and holds his arms around himself. 

 

“We went for a hike.” Renee tells Andrew and Neil conspiratorially. The others scoff around them. 

 

“Yeah-- ‘went on a hike’, my ass,” Allison growls as she flicks her nails at them. 

 

“Allison, I asked you nicely not to pry.” Renee warns her, that deceptive little smile returned to her face. There is a bruise on her eye and cheek, and her lips are swollen. 

 

“And I'm saying it's bullshit!” 

 

Dan looks over Neil and Andrew, and then Renee. She takes in their bruises-- Neil's forehead has a bruised and swollen lump, and his cheek is scraped. He has another knot on the back of his head, and Andrew suspects at least a mild concussion. Most of his injuries are hidden beneath the bulky clothes. Andrew's nose had been bleeding earlier but it had stopped, and his jaw was bruised. 

 

The Foxes start arguing, talking over each other and demanding to know what had happened. Neil wants to leave, to go back to their suite where it's quiet. He wants to lean against Andrew and let himself feel safe. But these are his friends, and he can't avoid them. Hes fine. He's just not used to so many people caring so much about him. 

 

“Down, girl,” Andrew says to Renee. “I'm sure they will find out soon enough. Maybe next week, maybe next month-- Jameson, the Raven backliner, went missing today.”

 

“Holy fuck Andrew! Did you kill him?” Nicky gasps. Just like he had when he learned about how dear aunt Tilda had died. 

 

“Oh, no, that was all Neil. We just helped scare the other carrion away, and dispose of the trash.” Andrew says it calmly, but he grips Neil's neck again. The ginger leans into his touch. 

 

Aaron looks over at Neil, glancing between him and Andrew. Nicky looks like he might be sick, while Dan and Allison share a shocked expression. Matt looks at Neil in disbelief. Andrew thinks they must be incredibly ignorant if they thought Neil had made it this far in life without a little murder in self-defense. He was the son of killers, after all. 

 

“Riko sent some Ravens to beat me up,” Neil enlightens them. 

 

Oddly, it's Aaron who changes the subject. The others are still staring at Neil like a veil has been listed away. 

 

“You missed our appointment with Bee,” Aaron reminds his brother. 

 

“I had more important things to do,” Andrew stares blankly at him. 

 

Aaron shrugs, uncaring. “I rescheduled us, we have to there in twenty minutes.” 

 

Andrew stares at his brother for a moment before he nods. It's only now turning three in the afternoon, and he missed most of today's classes anyway. Neil should be safe in their suite, and the other Foxes will be more alert now. He leaves Neil with their teammates-- with Renee-- and allows Aaron to ride with him to the psychiatrist's office. 

 

 

The Foxes huddle together in the girl's room, and Matt orders in several large pizzas when Renee mentions they hadn't eaten today. Their ‘hiking’ trip is a mute subject for the moment, but everyone is sure to give Neil space. This is less because of Andrew's glare, and more because Neil keeps flinching away when people come too near. Sitting still hurts, and Renee brings him a pillow from the couch and a few pills from her reserve. Neil sends a quick text to Abby that he needs to see her later-- Neil hopes Jameson hasn't picked up any diseases since the last time. 

 

The pain pills make him drowsy this time, and he thinks one of them must have been a mild sleeping pill. Or the stress is catching up with him. Either way, Neil manages two slices of pizza before he curls in the chair in the corner and closes his eyes. After a while the others start a conversation in low voices from the kitchen. Neil can still hear them, and they must think he's asleep because they talk about him. 

 

“Renee, tell us what happened. Is Neil okay?” That sounds like Dan. 

 

“He's started flinching again. You guys look like total shit, and Andrew already mentioned the Ravens.” Allison adds. 

 

“We just want to help, Renee.” 

 

“Recovery is an uphill battle.” Renee answers primly. “Neil just needs our support right now, I think. And maybe some space.” 

 

Neil expects to be woken and interrogated, but the Foxes put in a movie and let Neil sleep. He wakes when Andrew comes to fetch him, looking surly in that subtle, blank face of his. In their suite, Kevin is scowling at them with an old Exy game playing on the tv. 

 

“You missed practice today. I expect you on the court with me tonight, to make it up.” 

 

“No we won't. Neil needs an appointment with Abby tonight,” Andrew tells him. The ‘and I'm staying with him’ is silent. 

 

“Abby? You're supposed to be taking it easy so you can heal for the next game! If you can't play because you got into a fight, I'll-” Kevin stops abruptly when Andrew steps between him and Neil. 

 

“You'll what?” 

 

Kevin scowls between the pair of shorter men. 

 

“Fine. Whatever.” He sulks into the couch and drinks straight from a bottle of vodka. 

 

Andrew passes Neil his pills from the doctor, and they eat leftovers from the fridge before Abby has them meet her in her office at the stadium. She swabs Neil's cheek and draws a little blood for testing. She looks furious and ill at the same time, but her hands are quick and steady. She examines Neil carefully, with minimum touching. There is no tearing or broken bones, only bruises and scrapes. She keeps sighing, but seems to know better than to lecture them anymore. She gives Neil some soft glances, but knows better than to touch him beyond what is necessary. 

 

It's a quiet drive back to the dorms. The pain pills do their job and Neil relaxes against the door. He has to sit sort of sideways on his hip to avoid the pain there. Andrew knows, he's been there before. When they get to the dorms they don't bother arguing with Kevin, they go to sleep-- it's early, but they're both sleep deprived from the previous night’s catastrophe. Neil dreams about Riko and dark alleys. Andrew wakes every time Neil jerks awake. 

 

 

 

Thursday brings Andrew to escort Neil to and from class. They're both stiff and aching, and Neil's limp is just as prominent as the night before, but he doesn't want to stay in bed. Neil is trying to act like he's fine, but Andrew can tell that he's faking it. Neil is dissociative today, going through the motions of taking notes during practice and smiling at Nicky's lame jokes and generally just showing everyone how ‘fine’ he is. Despite the fact that he was raped again the day before-- the Foxes don't know that, only Renee and Abby and Andrew. 

 

Neil woke up feeling empty again-- something new that had developed some time after he returned from Evermore. He fights to interact with the Foxes, to be normal so they don't worry-- their concentration is best spent focused on the court. Yet, his chest feels hollow his body is numb. He isn't tired, but he doesn't feel awake, either. The world feels distant. He wonders if this is how Andrew feels. 

 

He drags Neil to the library after class and Neil follows because it's Andrew, leading to a place he actively avoids. He turns to Neil and grabs the knives out of his armbands-- cleaned and returned by Renee. 

 

“Take these or I'll use them,” he warns Neil. Neil nods and slides them up his own bands.

 

Neil knows that the library is Aaron and Katelyn’s hiding spot from Andrew, and he can guess why they are here now. They find Katelyn with her study group, and Neil tilts his head so she knows to follow. 

 

Andrew leads them to a corner of the library that is secluded and quiet. Neil wonders when he had the time to check out the layout of the place. He knows Andrew has wanted Katelyn out of the picture for months now, and he's glad that Andrew handed over his knives. 

 

Katelyn makes the mistake of coming too close, and Andrew throws her into the wall. Neil knows Andrew hates that she's the reason Aaron wants to break their deal. He also knows that Andrew won't let that happen. He still winces when she hits the wall. 

 

“Please! Please, I-” Neil cringed again when she begs. Andrew hates the word ‘please’. 

 

“Shut up,” Andrew growls at her. “Don't speak. The sight of you is intolerable as it is. The sound of your voice tips the scales out of your favor. You are a tumor. I should have cut you out and thrown you away when you were still benign. Now it's too late, and here we are. Don't you dare fucking speak.” 

 

Neil is glad he has Andrew's knives, and he is loath to come between them. The breakup will hurt Katelyn enough as it is, she doesn't need any injuries to make it worse. She makes the mistake of glancing at Neil for help-- Andrew grabs her chin and forces her gaze back toward him. 

 

“Do not ignore me. Your life hinges on how well you can listen. Can you listen? The conditions of your survival are simple. Do not ever mistake this for acceptance and do not ever, ever speak to me.” 

 

Neil is in shock-- he had expected Andrew to threaten Katelyn into leaving Aaron alone. Aaron had said that if he couldn't have Katelyn, he would make sure Andrew couldn't have Neil. He had asked Neil if he thought Andrew would fight to keep Neil, and Neil had known he would not. He had never expected Andrew to want to keep Neil as much as Neil wanted to keep Andrew. It leaves him reeling, half-drowned from the shock after a day of feeling numb and faint. 

 

“You are part of his life, but you will never be part of mine. If you forget that, I will remind you and you will not survive the lesson. Do you understand?” 

 

She nods frantically and Andrew releases her. 

 

“I hope you two are miserable together.” 

 

Andrew turns to leave and Neil follows after. He still can't believe that Andrew was choosing him over Aaron. He lets Andrew get to the overlook before he tugs at the sleeve by his elbow. He wretches out of Neil's grip, but stops. 

 

“What changed your mind?” Neil asks him. 

 

Andrew ignores him and takes the stairs down. They walk in silence to the dorms. Neil considers how Aaron will react when Katelyn calls him in tears. It reminds Neil of the question he's been mulling over. 

 

They continue up the stairs to the roof. Neil hurts too much to sit at the edge so he stands. Andrew lights a cigarette and they pass it between them. 

 

Their game of truths has been mostly put on hold since Baltimore, but Neil is made brave by the odd numbness that has settled in his chest, and by Andrew's intervention. Neil thought the smoke should calm him, but his chest still feels hollow-- even after the scene in the library. Especially after the scene in the library-- this feels too good to be true. It feels like a dream, he keeps expecting to wake up in pain-- maybe back in Baltimore, maybe in Evermore. 

 

“Is now a bad time to take my bonus turn?” 

 

He takes Andrew's silence as acceptance, and continues. 

 

“Who said ‘please’ that made you hate the word so much?” 

 

Andrew takes a long drag from his cigarette before he answers. “I did.” 

 

That is almost enough to cut through Neil's dissociation. He stares at Andrew's impassive face as he waves the words off as nothing. Then he continues. 

 

“He said he would stop if I said it.” 

 

“You believed him.” Neil says before he even realizes. His mouth is as numb as the rest of him. 

 

“I was seven. I believed him.” 

 

“Seven.” He gazes at Andrew, unwavering. Andrew thinks that's better than horror or pity. 

 

Neil does not flinch away from Andrew's past, just as Andrew does not flinch from Neil's. Andrew had moved in with the Spears when he was twelve, and gotten himself thrown in juvie just a year later. He knows Andrew had been passed through twelve foster homes before the Spears, and that none of them had been good. 

 

Andrew had nearly killed Allison for slapping Aaron. He had nearly killed four men outside of a club when they had beaten Nicky. He had nearly killed the men in the alley night before last, had come running with reinforcements when Neil had called for help. But he couldn't care less about harms done to himself. Neil hates everyone who made Andrew think he wasn't worth saving. 

 

“After everything they did to you, how can you stand me?” Neil tries to put Andrew in the way of his father at the beginning of the year, had knowingly put him in harms way. And then Christmas break happened, and Neil became a constant reminder of what Andrew has suffered. “How is this okay?” 

 

“It isn't a ‘this’,” 

 

“That's not what I'm asking, you know it isn't. Andrew, wait.”

 

Andrew turns away, turns to leave and Neil reaches a hand out to snag his sleeve. The numb in his heart and head makes him brave enough to try and keep Andrew beside him. 

 

“No,” Andrew says. Neil's hand drops from where he's nearly touches Andrew's arm. 

 

“That's why.” 

 

 

Andrew disappears for several hours after dinner. He leaves Neil with the Foxes-- with Renee-- and strict instructions not to leave or do anything stupid. Matt and Dan set up some video game with Nicky and Aaron in the girls’ front room. It seems to be decided that the girls’ room is common ground. Renee braids Allison’s long hair and offers to dye it, while Allison paints Neil's toes a soft blue to match the jacket he basically stole from her, before she admitted defeat and let him keep it. 

 

The Foxes seem to sense the odd mood Neil is still in, and they stay close enough for comfort, but don't touch him. He still has room to breath, and Allison is careful to ask, rather than demand. They don't bother Neil with a lot of questions, either. They let him settle into quiet reserve, for the most part. 

 

Andrew returns after dark and summons Neil bath to their suite. Neil follows and helps put away the ice cream and things Andrew had picked up from the store. Andrew tosses a box onto the counter right in front of Neil, and leaves with a new bottle of vodka to hide from Kevin. Probably to the roof. 

 

Neil opens the box and finds two knives, the perfect size to fit into the matching sheaths. He will have to sew the sheaths into his armbands, like Andrew had. The knives themselves are fairly small, and matte gray. They match the phone Andrew had bought him-- and the identical replacement Andrew had given him after the picture incident. Neil's favorite color. 

 

They're nothing like the ones the Butcher or his men used. The handle is just long enough to curl his fingers around, and the blade itself is short and more triangular. This isn't a carving knife or a cleaver. They are not the long switchblades Romero preferred or the embellished pocket knife Lola carried. Nothing like the heavy black thing Lola had taught him to use during his childhood. But they're sharp, and Neil thinks that he probably appreciates the thought and effort Andrew put into finding these, rather than giving him any blade. Neil thinks he appreciates Andrew in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dissociative Neil!! Sorry.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Hand_of_the_Alex!!!! Because they posted a new chapter :) go read it!!! It's so original and new and shiny!!!

Friday's rematch against the Bearcats was vicious and violent. It didn't take long to figure out that they were trying to take out a player-- the Foxes were playing with minimum plays and if they took one out, the Foxes would have to forfeit. Yellow cards are dropped frequently on the opposing team, but they have enough players on their lineup that it doesn't matter. Abby unpacks her medical bag in preparation. 

The Foxes fight to keep their cool on the court, and two Bearcats are given red cards. Nicky is pacing, yelling even though they can't hear them. 

Matt's striker takes a swing at him, and Matt takes it without returning the blow. Dan takes the foul shot and scores. The Foxes are doing what they can to avoid the fights, and by halftime they're all stewing in anger. Even Wymack's pep talk is cut short because his players are being hounded enough on court. 

“Anyone else have anything to say?” 

Dan looks stubbornly fierce as she smacks her racquet against the floor. “We're halfway there. Lets wipe the floor with these assholes and then get wasted. Tell me someone has alcohol back in the dorm. ABC will be closed by the time the game is over and I'm down to half a case of beer.” 

Nicky shakes his head. “Not enough to make up for this. We used most of it Monday. Andrew drank the rest when those three got back from their ‘hike’.” 

“Katelyn has some. Between her and the Vixens, we might get a decent haul.” Aaron suggests this without looking up from tightening the strings on his racquet. More importantly, he doesn't look at Andrew. But then, Andrew looks as indifferent as ever, standing beside Neil. 

The room around them freezes and stares at Andrew for any sort of reaction-- probably a violent one. Everyone treats Andrew like a ticking bomb. 

“Unless you don't want it?” Aaron raises to look at Dan. 

“Uh, yeah. Sure. If they've got some to share, the more the merrier, right?” 

Neil doubts he and Andrew will go, so the rest of the conversation hardly matters. He had been getting better about Andrew and the monsters socializing with the upperclassmen, but he doesn't really feel like socializing with strangers, after the last run in with the Ravens. Maybe he and Andrew will go up to the roof with the bottle Andrew had hidden. 

The second half is worse-- the Bearcats are desperate to make championships. Still, the Foxes win. 

Dan and Kevin take press duty. A reporter shoved a mic in Kevin's face. 

“You're up against Edgar Allan again, too, in the biggest match of the year. Thoughts?” 

“I don't want to talk about the Ravens anymore. Ever since my mother died, it's been Ravens this, and Ravens that. I am not a Raven anymore. I never will be again. To be honest, I never should have been one in the first place. I should have gone to Coach Wymack the day I found out he was my father, and asked to start my freshman year at Palmetto state.” 

“The day-- did you say coach Wymack is your father?” The woman sputters in shock. 

“Yes I did,” Kevin confirms. The rest of the interview that follows is directed at Kevin, but Dan stands by his side. They seem to have made up over their vacation. Kevin even manages a few jabs at the Ravens, disguised in the rest of the excitement. 

“Tell the Ravens to be ready for us, won't you? We're already ready for them.” 

At least Kevin waits to collapse in private. Wymack's post-game speech is prophet than usual. 

“Welcome to semifinals. It's you, USC, and Edgar Allan. You're toe to toe with what's left of the big three. No, don't make that face. Don't be afraid. Be rowdy. Be proud. No one thought you could get this far. No one except for the people sitting in this room. You've earned this. *You have earned this.* Bow go out and get trashed.” 

One of his best speeches yet. The Foxes shower in a hurry, Andrew going last. Back at the dorms, the Foxes haul their collection of booze down to the study rooms in the basement. Neil finds himself there with them, the result of Dan and Matt’s peer pressure. Neil chooses to see it as him thanking the team for their win. They all know how nervous he's been about not playing. 

He stays until the Vixens start showing up, but by then Nicky is nearly glued to Neil's side. Matt and Dan have snuck off to make use of their empty bedroom. Neil would rather be on the roof, sharing a bottle and a cigarette with Andrew. But Dan and Matt will be back soon enough, and his team deserves this. 

It's not so bad-- the vixens are all really sweet to him, and Nicky keeps him distracted and chatters away by Neil's side. Even Aaron is acting civil, now that he can have Katelyn.

“Speaking of getting some,” Nicky teases Aaron in German. “How is he suddenly ok with this? What the hell did you do?” 

“I returned the favor. Neil used Katelyn against me, so I used Neil against Andrew. Depending on how you look at it, Neil is as much of a violation to our deal as Katelyn was. Andrew could break our deal and let me go, or break things off with Neil.” 

“Wait, he chose Neil over you? That sounds a little serious for a fling, don't you--” 

Neil stops listening. The way Andrew's family talks about them is grating, and he doesn't want to listen to that right now. Nicky talks about it like Neil hadn't been raped a few months before-- a few days before, but the Foxes don't know that. Nicky talks about Andrew like he is the kind of person that would use Neil like that, after everything. And Aaron is annoying on the best days. 

Kevin is still downstairs where the alcohol is and Andrew is curled in a beanbag chair nursing a bottle of vodka. The television is turned off but Andrew still stares at the screen like he can see something there. Neil locks the door behind him and curls into another bean bag and draws his knees up to his chin. He snags the bottle from Andrew and takes a few long pulls. 

“Come here.” Andrew crooks a finger at him. Neil kneels in front of him, between his spread legs. “Yes or no?” 

With a ‘yes’ Neil leans down to the soft kiss Andrew presses to his lips. “Last time I checked, you hated me,” Neil muses. 

“Everything about you,” Andrew is quick to agree. 

“I'm not as stupid as you think I am.” 

Oh, but yes he is. Neil can be oblivious and too stubborn for his own good. “And I'm not as smart as I thought I was. I know better than to do this again. Perhaps it's the self-destructive streak in me?” 

Because Andrew used to know better than to let someone in. He had nearly killed himself trying to keep Cass, trying to have a family and *belong*. He should know better than to let this continue. Every time Neil is hurt, it feels like a wound in Andrew's own chest. And every kiss makes his lips warm-- it both unsettles and calms his heart that grudgingly beats there. 

“I'm not a pipe dream. I'm not going anywhere.” 

Of course Neil would remember those words. “I didn't ask you.” 

“Ask me. Or stick around long enough to figure it out for yourself.” 

“I'll get bored of you eventually.” It's inevitable that Andrew lose interest. Or that Neil crosses a line-- everyone does, in time. Or that Neil finds someone better and leaves him. 

“Are you sure? Rumor has it I'm pretty interesting.” 

“Don't believe everything you hear.” 

Andrew picks Neil's hand up and places it on his own chest. Anyone would take that as permission to touch, to do what they wanted and use him. They had before, after all. But Neil scowls in something like worry as he stares at his hand on Andrew's chest. When he looks up to his face, his eyes look haunted. Andrew can feel Neil's fingers shake on his chest. 

“I won't be like the. I won't let you let me be.” 

“One hundred and one. Going on one hundred and two,” Andrew warns. Because Neil says the right thing, and it's too good to be true. It's annoying, how good Neil is, even when Andrew is pushing his own lines. 

“You're a terrible liar.” 

 

Neil has nightmares again that night. His brain seems determined that he never have a full night's sleep again. On the run with his mother he had been able to sleep anywhere. He had slept in cars and bus benches and alleys and cots in homeless shelters surrounded by strangers. He has slept on park benches and under trees and bridges. He and his mother had slept back to back for years, guarding each other. 

Tonight he dreams of a different weight behind him. Of Jameson raping him as his head bounces in his shoulders. He can feel gravel scraping his chest, and nails raking down his back. Lola strokes him until he gets hard. 

“Just like your father,” Riko says with Lola's voice. “The Little Butcher. Murder is in your blood.” 

“Butcher.” He hears his father scoff behind him. “Little Bitch.” 

The weight behind him is gone and Neil is turned into his back. He sees his father looming over him, swinging that axe back and forth beside him.

‘No! No, please, please don't. Please don't!’ 

Neil tries to scramble back, but he isn't moving anywhere. Nathan closes the small distance between them and swings the axe down on Neil's feet. He screams. 

Neil wakes up screaming. He can hear himself, and he closes his mouth, clamps a hand over his lips to muffle the whimper that follows. Kevin thumps back against the wall, jolted awake. Above him, Andrew thrashes, striking out at the darkness. Neil brings his knees up to his chest, under the covers, and wiggles his feet. The dream had been so realistic. 

“What the fuck,” Kevin moans. 

Neil runs for the bathroom. The adrenaline turns sour in his stomach, and he heaves into the toilet. His pulse is still drumming in his ears and his body trembles. His breathing is still ragged. He doesn't hear Andrew walk in and he jumps when he feels someone kneel beside him. 

“I'm fine.” Neil's voice is hoarse, he coughs and spits. “Just a bad dream, it's fine. You can go back to bed.” 

Andrew doesn't save anything, just sits quietly beside Neil until his pulse has calmed and his breathing regulates. Andrew helps him stand on his shaking knees sofa. He puts a movie on the tv and grabs his book from under the couch. Neil sits close to him, but not touching. He can feel the redhead shaking and hands him the blue jacket from across the room. 

Normally the junky would be running laps around campus, but not anymore. Not for a long time, at least. It takes hours before Neil's eyes start to droop. His body relaxes slowly-- first the trembles slow to the occasional shudder, and his muscles relax back into the couch. He unclenches his fists from his sleep sweats and crosses them loosely around himself. Neil's head begins to drop and Andrew tugs the idiot down into his lap. 

Neil smiles softly, but his eyes are still haunted when he looks at Andrew. His breath is warm on Andrew's leg, and slowly Neil relaxes into the cushions, into Andrew's lap. Andrew doesn't sleep again that night. He lets Neil rest in his lap, his weight against Andrew's thighs is a comfort. He reads while Neil sleeps.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and fluffy!! Enjoy!!!!

A knock on the door wakes Neil. Andrew scowls when Neil jumps awake with a gasp. It's a Saturday, they aren't expecting anyone this morning, especially not so early. To his surprise-- Andrew hates surprises-- it's coach and Theodora Muldani. Andrew slams the door in their faces. 

“Kevin!” Andrew yells. 

Of course the coward doesn't wake. Thea is banging on the door and coach is yelling at them through the barrier. Neil has sat up on the couch, eyes still as empty as the night before. He stares at the door with a haunted gaze. Andrew leaves him there and wakes Kevin with a glass of water poured on his face. He comes awake sputtering and cursing and Andrew drags him to the front door. He drags Neil to the bedroom when the others start yelling. 

“Get dressed.” Andrew orders him. 

The blonde strips and redressed in his black attire. Neil knows he's being ridiculous, but he doesn't want to take the sweats off. He doesn't want the feeling of his clothes sliding down and leaving him bare. It's irrational, because he knows he's safe here, and Andrew is just feet away. But he finds himself anxious nonetheless. 

“Issues,” Andrew scolds him, throwing a pair of jeans at him. Andrew turns his back and goes to stand between Neil and the door. He's never seen the striker dress so quickly. Neil looks like a walking personification of anxiety and dissociation. 

He packs a bag for Neil, who stares at him from his spot on the bed. He glares at Thea when they pass and he loads his idiot into the Maserati. 

They spend the weekend in Columbia-- they leave Nicky and Aaron and Kevin at the dorms, and hide away. They eat takeout and watch shitty tv and Andrew reads through a new series of books. It has an unsatisfying ending. 

The goal of the weekend is to bring Neil out of the trance he seems to have put himself in. They're safe in Columbia, just the pair of them alone in the house. Neil's nightmares still wake them, but that's to be expected. Andrew doesn't like it, but he understands. His own memory is a treacherous monster, twisting his memories with his fears to create new and horrifying beasts. As if the actual memories aren't vivid enough, aren't terrible enough as they are. 

So they rent movies and sleep when they want and don't when they can't. They have no classes or practice to schedule their sleep around. Neil takes infrequent naps on the couch, but never the bed. Andrew finds that if he is out of the room when Neil wakes, Neil slips into that dissociation easier. If he wakes and sees Andrew, Neil can more easily remember where he is, and that he is safe. That they are *both* safe. Neil seems to have as many nightmares about Andrew being hurt, as he does himself. 

Their peace ends when they return Monday night after dinner-- because last week was hell, and Andrew knows Neil has been pushing himself to be ‘fine’. But the fact of the matter is that Neil is NOT fine. He's scared and repressing and dissociative, and has been struggling for days. They have hardly slept since Wednesday night, and they have a game against the Trojans at the end of the week. Andrew thinks they deserve an extra day-- he calls Wymack to tell him as much, and turns his phone off when Kevin tries to bitch at them. 

Tuesday forms a routine-- walk Neil to classes, glare at the idiots who dare to stand too close or stare too long. Shove the assholes who think they are entitled to know about Nathan, or the photos from Evermore. He calms Neil when he wakes up screaming, but he doesn't see Neil cry. Not since that day on the roof, months before. Neil doesn't cry, neither of them are the type-- but still, Andrew awaits the impending breakdown. Renee still has all of the knives. 

On Wednesday night, Neil doesn't sleep. Not really. He dozes for maybe a half an hour-- his eyes close and his mind wanders and he can still hear Kevin snoring, but it's distant. He's almost asleep when his imagination begins to play dirty tricks on him. He feels a hand ghost over his leg, as though the sweats aren't even there. 

Neil jerks from the fog between sleep and wake. He curls his legs to his chest and looks around the room. Kevin is sleeping, snoring loudly and softly lit by the glow of the nightlight. Andrew shifts above him-- Neil hopes he didn't wake him. He knows he should sleep, but he doesn't want to sleep in bed. Not when he keeps waking up expecting to be cuffed. Not when he keeps feeling hands on his skin, when he should be alone and safe in his own bed. 

Neil wonders how Andrew can still sleep, after all of the abuse he has suffered. With a sigh, he slips out of bed. He is exhausted, but knows he won't sleep on the bed. Maybe the couch will have give better results. 

“Where are you going?” Andrew questions from his bunk. Not asleep, then. 

“Can't sleep. I was going to the front room.” Neil admits. 

“Come up here, if you must,” Andrew offers in his own off-hand way. 

Neil shifts his weight, unsure about the offer. He pulls at his bangs, yanking them into his eyes. His tattoos have completely healed, and his hair is getting long again. The roots are a different red than the dye the man had used. He wonders if Allison will drag him to another salon to get it redone. 

“Get up here.” Andrew commands. “Unless you don't want to.” 

That is what tips the scales in Andrew's favor-- the reminder that Andrew would never hurt him, would never make Neil do anything he didn't want to. He climbs into the top bunk and kneels at Andrew's feet. Andrew rolls to the far edge, letting him have the wall. Neil's wounds are fresher, he needs it more tonight. 

Slowly Neil lays down in the space between Andrew's solid warmth and the wall. Andrew throws the blanket over them both, and resigns himself to a sleepless night-- he doesn't dare chance waking violently and hurting Neil. 

 

The game against the Trojans is an away game. The stadium is completely sold out, the red and gold seats filled. Andrew and Matt stick the closest to Neil, though none of the Foxes roam far. They wait until the locker rooms for the game to begin. The Trojans wait until the last minute to present their lineup sheet-- Kevin nearly squeals when he sees Jeremy Knox. 

“You guys are causing quite a stir this year-- between the whole thing with the Ravens and, uh, other things. Your new striker is a firecracker. I'm sorry to hear about-- well, everything. You guys have had an eventful year, we're glad you made it this far.” 

He shuts up with Andrew's glare. 

“Right, sorry-- Our lineup. It's late to be getting it to you, I know, but we're trying to avoid as much of a backlash as possible.” 

“Backlash?” Dan asks. She reads over the page and pales. “Your pity is misplaced. Tell coach Rhemann we don't want handouts.” 

“This isn't pity! We're doing this for us, not you. Your success this year has us rethinking everything about how we play. Are we second because we're talented, or because we have twenty-eight people in our lineup? Are we good enough as individuals to stand against you? We have to know.” 

“You're joking. You're joking,” Kevin stammers. “You're not?” 

For everyone's benefit, Matt reads the paper aloud. “There are only nine names on the list.” 

Jeremy nods. “Two goalies, three backliners, two dealers, two strikers.” 

Jeremy takes his cue to leave and coach begins his pregame pep talk. The warmups are slow, dan taking it easy on them in consideration of the impending game. Andrew takes laps and stretches at Neil's side. 

The first forty five minutes are a struggle-- the Trojans are quick and talented and fierce. But they don't play any dirty tricks, and they don't call Neil a whore as he bolts around them. Still, the Trojans are not second in the league for nothing. The first half ends seven to four, in the Trojans favor. 

When they return, the only fresh players on the field are the goalies-- Andrew and Laila Dermott. With no reason to hold back, the Foxes give the last half their everything. The Trojans are fantastic players, and Laila is nearly as good as Andrew, but Neil's monsters shuts down the goal. The Trojans aren't used to playing full games, and their lead closes. The Foxes win Thirteen to Nine. 

Alvarez, Neil's backliner mark, is gasping behind him. Still, she grins and offers her hand. Her knees buckle and Neil helps her to her feet. She doesn't linger in his hold, and her smile is genuine happiness and excitement, no malice. 

“Babe!” Alvarez calls over her shoulder to Laila. “I think I'm dying. Do I still have legs? I can't look down. I don't think I'll ever walk again.” 

The goalie jogs over beside them. Andrew does the same-- which is unusual. 

“Uh huh. You'd better figure something out, because you're definitely too heavy for me to carry off this court.” 

Alvarez glances at Andrew who comes to stand beside Neil. She gives Neil another smile-- a fond one. 

“It's a good thing we love our goalies, right, Josten?” 

Neil nods dumbly and watches the girls limp off the field. The Trojans are not angry at their loss-- they are all rooting for the Foxes at the next game in a few weeks-- when the Foxes will face off against the Ravens.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I just finished typing out the last chapter and I must say, it is super satisfying.

Andrew loads his group into the car and drives them to Columbia to celebrate. They skip the line and the bouncers let them in. They pull Kevin and Aaron into those manly half-hug, chest bump things, and Andrew drapes an arm around Neil's shoulders. Thankfully they know not to ‘fuck with the angry blonde and his boyfriend’ 

The bass thumps in Neil's chest, pulsing through his bones. Between the game and tonight's music, and Andrew's arm around him-- this is the most *alive* Neil has felt in days. They make their way to the bar and Nicky catches Roland's eye. 

“Hey guys! Long time no see. Again. You guys have got to stop dropping out of contact.” The bartender mixes their drinks as he speaks with them. 

“It's been a crazy year,” Nicky tells him. 

“So I heard. How are you holding up?” Roland asks Neil. 

Neil startles-- had Roland seen the photos? They were still circling the net, trending, or whatever. Neil doesn't know why so many people would be interested in seeing him naked. It's disturbing. Or maybe Roland is meaning the news about Nathan-- everyone was desperate to find any information about what it was like having a serial killer for a father. Neither subject is something Neil wants to talk about. He flinches back, against Andrew. 

“I'm fine.” 

Roland glances between Andrew and Neil, the arm around his shoulders-- it's a little awkward because of their height difference. 

Nicky squeals-- “oh my god! You did *not* know about them before I did! Oh my god, you did! How the hell? We just figured it out a few weeks ago. How long have you known Andrew was gay?” 

“Are they a ‘them’ now?” Roland avoids Nicky's question smoothly. 

“One of ‘them’ is going to stab you. Be useful and find us a table.” Andrew warns. 

“Neil loves me! He would do that. He couldn't hurt a--” Nicky must remember last week's ‘hiking trip’, because he shuts up. 

Andrew glares Nicky away until he pulls Aaron along to find them a table. Roland laughs and finishes their drinks-- he leaves a soda for Neil, and piles the rest of the tray with alcohol before he passes it back to Andrew. It's dangerously full, but Andrew carries it with ease of practice, and Kevin clears a path for them-- his scowl is scary, if you don't know him, and people move out of their way. 

Nicky waved them over to their table and downed one of the bright blue cocktails Roland had mixed for him. Kevin and Aaron throw back several shots in a row, and the three of them disappear into the crowd. Neil takes another shot and leans into Andrew's side. At the end, Andrew piles his monsters back into the Maserati and back to house-- Neil's spot in the passenger seat goes uncontested. At the end of the night, Neil and Andrew curl on their opposite sides of the bed. Their nightmares are quieter that night. 

 

On Monday Wymack tells them that they will face the Ravens at Evermore. Only the press of a warm hand on the back of Neil's neck keeps him from panicking. Kevin goes straight to the bottle. 

Coach passes around a clipboard for the eighteen seats reserved for the Fox’s guests. Eighteen seats might not be many, but the Foxes couldn't fill them. Neil, Andrew, Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin didn't bother writing any names down. Nicky doesn't even try to invite his parents. He hasn't spoken to Maria or Luther since the disaster in November. Allison passes the board along, too-- her parents have cut off all communication with her. Renee only lists her adoptive mother. Matt lists his mother, then his father and the new girlfriend. Dan takes the remaining fourteen for her stage sisters. 

Neil and Kevin spend the days until championships practicing, rather than wallowing in their anxiety. Neil's bad dreams wake him and Andrew every night, frequently enough that Abby gives him a few sleeping pills to help. The nightmares are worse, but Neil sleeps through them. The bags under his eyes all but disappear and his renewed energy on the court is the benefit. 

Aaron and Nicky join them on Monday night, after the meeting. The rest of the Foxes join them the next day-- much to Kevin's approval. 

Kevin begins practicing with his left hand at night. Neil knows that they're hoping it will startle Riko, the Ravens, seeing Kevin defy everybody who said he would never pick up a racquet again. Kevin is going to defy Riko, and the Foxes are going to win. They have to. 

Neil runs suicides between watching match tapes, pushing himself to run faster, to swing harder, to do better. He spends time on the court so he doesn't think about being trapped in a room with the Ravens-- with the men who had beat him and touched him when he told them ‘no, stop, don't, please’. 

It would be fine. He would be fine. The Foxes would have his back, and Andrew would be there this time. They wouldn't let anything happen, they won't let Riko touch him again. Jameson is dead-- Neil had killed him. Andrew and Renee helped him take care of the body. The news about his ‘disappearance’ has yet to hit the news, probably due to whatever Uncle Stuart told the Moriyamas. Neil doesn't care, because it's one less sick fuck to be let loose with on court. One less rapist in the world. 

Thursday night, Kevin skips practice. Neil wonders if it's a break in his confidence, or if it's something more like defeat-- or the preparation of. That is, until Kevin comes stumbling into the dorm several hours later, with a nearly empty bottle of vodka and a bandage on his cheek. Neil stops ‘studying’ to stare. Andrew, sitting beside him, looks up from his book. 

Kevin's unsteady hands tear off the gauze on his cheek to reveal the new ink underneath. Gone is the number ‘2’ that had confined Kevin to be second best-- always below Riko. In its place is a chess piece Neil doesn't know. 

“Let Riko be king,” Kevin slurs. “Most coveted, most protected. He'll sacrifice every piece he has to keep the throne. Whatever. Me? I'm going to be the deadliest piece on the board.” 

“Queen,” Andrew elaborates. 

Personally, Neil thinks Andrew is probably the deadliest. But Kevin is definitely a queen, and he finally made a leap in reclaiming his life. Neil wouldn't begrudge his methods. After all, he had done the same thing by placing fox paws over his bite marks, a fox over Riko's name, and his pride flag over the Ravens claim. 

“He is going to be furious,” Andrew taunts. Because really, he is an instigator at heart. 

“Fuck him! Fuck all of them! Waste of time to be angry. They should be afraid.” 

“Hell hath no fury,” Andrew quips. Neil just stares as Andrew helps Kevin to bed-- how the hell had he even managed to get up the stairs? 

Andrew must be as excited as Neil-- or as excited as Andrew is capable of being-- because he walks up the where Neil is leaning against the wall. 

“Yes or no?” 

Neil breath a ‘yes’ and Andrew is kissing him hard, the way Neil likes. He doesn't mind being pressed against the wall, because it's Andrew in front of him. And then Andrew is dropping to his knees and hovering his hands above Neil's tented zipper. He asks again. 

“Yes,” Neil says, nodding. He wants out of his head, and Andrew is the best at that. 

He pulls Neil's jeans down to his knees and grasps the base of Neil's cock with one hand. The other palms Neil's thigh. Andrew's mouth is hot and wet around Neil, and Neil can't keep the little moan of appreciation from escaping. The blonde lets him tangle a hand into his hair, but he pins Neil's hips down to keep him from thrusting. 

“Andrew,” Neil gasps with a little moan. 

His cock is heavy and hot on Andrew's tongue. Salty from precum, but clean from the shower after practice. He tastes and smells like *Neil*, and it's good. Almost as good as the little sounds that slip past Neil's red lips. 

“Andrew! I-- I’m--” Neil sputters, and cuts off with a high moan. 

Neil's head thumps back against the wall. His cock pulses on Andrew's tongue, and he cums. His thighs tremble under Andrew hand, and his eyes flutter open to meet Andrew's. His pupils are wide and hazy, cheeks flushed down his neck, to his chest. 

“Kiss me?” Neil asks in a warm tone. Andrew obliges, shifting his own erection in his uncomfortable jeans. 

“What about you?” Neil asks when they part. 

Andrew looks sharply into Neil's eyes, trying to decipher whatever he sees there. Neil doesn't look away, doesn't back down. Andrew slips a hand into his boxers and strokes himself. He keeps his lips pressed to Neil's, revelling in the happy hums and sighs the redhead makes. Neil pulls back for only a second. Their lips brush when he asks. 

“Can I?” 

It's hesitant, in a way that Andrew had heard before. Neil wants to, he just isn't sure if he can. The idiot is pushing himself again, as he has been all week. Andrew considers a compromise. He shoves his jeans and boxers aside, letting his cock wag free. 

“Put your hand over mine.” 

Neil's hands are steady, if clammy. They're covered in calloused and smaller than Andrew's own. He helps Andrew stroke himself to completion, hard and quick. He kisses Neil ferociously, to ground both of them. He cums with a shudder and a sigh. Andrew pulls away and looks up to see Neil lick his hand clean. A blush darkens across his cheeks and down his throat.

“Was that good?” Neil asks, eyes wide and concerned. 

“Don't ask stupid questions.”


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near!

The drive is tense-- Kevin doesn't look as nervous as he had the first time they played against the Ravens. But Neil gets more anxious with every mile they drive. They stop for a late lunch, and Andrew follows Neil off the bus. The waiter, tall and Japanese, brushes against Neil and Andrew as he rushes by. The striker tenses at the contact and flinches away, bumping into Kevin. Andrew shoves the waiter away before the man can mutter an apology. 

Neil can hardly breath by the time they pull into the parking lot. The black and red decorations are suffocating and Neil's instincts are telling him to run. *Runrunrun*. 

Andrew pulls Neil aside as the other Foxes file off the bus. Not even Kevin waits. Andrew cups Neil's cheek, and the back of his neck. “Look at me. Breathe.” 

Neil takes a deep, shaking breath. He looks ready to bolt, and Andrew can't blame him. 

“Abram. You're safe with me-- nobody is going to touch you. Fuck Riko and Evens, and everybody that you're afraid to face again. They have to go through me to get you, and that's not happening ever again. Okay?” He waits for Neil to nod. “Don't waste your time worrying about them-- that's my job. You worry about the game, junkie. I've got your back.”

Neil nods. “Kiss for good luck?” 

Andrew closed the little space between them, and kisses his idiot soundly. Just the once, briefly, but Neil exits the bus with new fire in his eyes. 

Evermore is packed to the ceiling with a cheering audience, and actual policemen and security-- Neil doesn't recognize any of the faces as his father's men, though he still studies the exits and the people around them. Beside him, Andrew is doing the same. He looks unimpressed as he scans the crowd for threats. Renee is quietly praying and the rest are obviously nervous. 

Only Kevin stands proud, impenetrable with his knee tattoo. He was committed to this team, and to himself. He faced Evermore like it was an obstacle in his way to the top. Kevin was a rising star, and he was here to prove the world wrong. 

Neil wished he felt as certain as Kevin. He isn't afraid of facing Riko on court-- he is afraid of the consequences of losing. His heart is racing by the time they are lead to the lockers-- a familiar room with black walls and black benches and black lockers. The same lockers Neil had been cornered in months ago, where Riko and his followers had beaten him into the floor until his blood had glistened red against the black tile. Where he had been raped by the backliners, one after another, after another-- until Neil's voice had gone hoarse from screaming and his legs had gone numb. 

Neil had called Riko King and begged him to make them stop. He hadn't. He had laughed and told Neil it hadn't been good enough. Too little, too late. They had not stopped. Neil had thought he would die before they stopped fucking him. 

Neil didn't realize he had stopped breathing. He turns to run, and nearly hits Andrew, who stands only a step behind him. He doesn't give Neil an option to leave, he stands with him, solid and unwavering. A rock in Neil's ocean of panic. 

“You're safe. I'm here, and they're not. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you.” 

Neil's nods slowly, trying to remember how to breath correctly. 

“Neil? Are you okay?” Matt asks from across the room. They spread their orange gear around the room to try and deflect from the black abyss. 

“I'm fine.” 

“Are you sure? You look like you might faint,” Nicky worried aloud. Neil shakes his head and sets about unpacking his gear. 

He and Andrew are the last to change out. The Foxes are met with a wave of booing. 

“Jesus Christ,” Nicky gasps faintly. “I don't think I can-- ERIK!” 

Nicky screams. The reserved seating for the Foxes guests were filling in, and Nicky bolts towards a man and throws himself into his hands. He clings desperately to him. This must be Nicky's fiancé, Erik. Matt’s parents are waiting, too. They look proud as they pull him close. Renee's mother holds her for a long time. Dan had four women enveloping her and Alison in hugs. 

Neil stays back with Andrew and Kevin. He can't help but think how much his mother would hate this. She would have beaten him for daring to come this far into the public eye-- she would have beaten him for not running that first night when he was introduced to Coach Wymack. No, she would not be nearly so proud. But Neil would make the choice over again if he had to. If he had to choose between his mother, or this, he would choose this. The year has been the most painful that he can remember, but the Foxes are worth it. Andrew is worth it. 

Betsy is the last to come in. Neil knows Andrew hadn't invited her, so it must have been either Wymack or Abby. Andrew goes to her, but Neil stays with Kevin. 

“You two could at least go say hi,” coach chastises them. Neil doesn't understand why he would go speak to people he didn't know. 

“There's no point. All they are is a distraction,” Kevin says. Logical as usual. 

“It's called a support network.” 

“Thea is watching from the south tonight, and my father comes to all of my games. That is enough.” 

“Your mother would be proud of you,” coach says, looking proud, himself. 

“Not just of me,” Kevin tells him. 

Neil feels awkward by intruding in everyone's personal moments. He steps back, off to the side, and studies the crowd. The Raven fans are louder than the Fox fans, and the boos drown out the cheers. After a few lonely moments where Neil argues against the ache in his chest, a guard comes to escort him to his uncle. 

Uncle Stuart stands alone, off to the side of the inner circle. He's there to deliver a warning-- keep in line, don't do anything rash, there are eyes everywhere. Things Neil already knew, didn't need reminding. He doesn't wish Neil good luck, or tell him how proud he is-- none of the things that he overheard the others saying. But Uncle Stuart does promise to look into Proust, from Easthaven. It's good enough. 

Coach calls them all to the court for warmups. The Ravens took the Home half and the Foxes took the Visiting side of court. Being locked on the court with the Ravens is nothing short of terrifying, but after Stuart's words, Neil knows he can't mess up. He is resolved to force past his issues and reclaim the court. Neil had given up everything to play Exy. He wouldn't let the Ravens take this away from him. Even if he was scared. 

It's hard for Neil to take a fortifying breath when Riko's presence is choking him. But he does. He has to. He reminds himself that Andrew is watching, and nobody can do anything on court, anyway. 

He follows Kevin to the lineup. From twenty feet away he can see the fury on Riko's face. Kevin ignored the promises and threats Riko was snarling in Japanese, until he accuses Kevin of siding with druggies and whores-- the last was pointed at Neil. Kevin passes Riko a cool look, but ultimately ignores him. 

Riko twists his gloves around his racquet like he can imagine his hands around Kevin's neck. He turns his threats to Neil. 

“I've missed having you beneath me, whore. You always look so good when you cry. I can't wait to have to again.” 

Neil has heard worse. It's not that bad. He head heard worse than that during the first weeks after the photo scandal. He won't let Riko's tricks work. He won't be rattled. 

The game doesn't start out violent, but it quickly escalates. The Ravens are feeling angry from the investigations, and the loss of Jean, and putting up with Riko's fury over all of it, plus the loss of his father. The Ravens were vicious when they were wounded, but the Foxes were a better team than they were in October. Kevin runs the court with a sneer and a new tattoo and Neil isn't cowed by the threats the plays taunt him with. Renee tried her best to keep up, but the goal lit red every time Riko or Engle got the ball. 

Neil has to stave off panic when Beck slams him against the barrier hard enough to knock the breath from his lungs. It takes him a moment to recover. Under the guise of helping Neil stand, Beck grabs him. 

“I heard what you did to Jameson. I heard you let him fuck you first, behind a dumpster in some filthy alley. Is that what gets you off? Blood? I didn't know you missed us that much.” 

He legs go of Neil's jersey and lets him stumble back. He's close to panic, can already practically feel the hands under his clothes. 

A snap echoed through the court. Neil's head jerks from Beck’s predatory smile to where Andrew stood up to pound on the glass. Neil shakes the memories off, and steels himself. He motions to the refs to continue. 

By halftime, the Foxes were sore-- their bodies were tiring and their pride wounded. Yet, they were holding their own. Sort of-- Nicky was dry heaving in a corner and Renee looked more disappointed in herself than she ever has. Neil has to lean against the back wall because he doesn't want anyone standing beside him. Andrew stands at his side. He nudges Neil's knee with his own, a silent show of support. 

Second half starts with the Ravens leading seven to three. The Foxes were up against a fresh lineup. Andrew stood in goal now, and Kevin switches his racquet to his left hand as they stepped onto the court. The crowd goes wild, screaming at the move. 

Without Jean there, Kevin and Neil could shout at each other in French. Kevin played like a demon with his left hand, and the Ravens couldn't seem to manage. They were slipping up now that Kevin was back to his dominant hand, and wasn't holding back, for fear of showing Riko up and being punished. Kevin could play his all now, and he did. He exploited every weakness he knew of his former team. He scores two points in the first ten minutes of the second half. 

Andrew was… there were no words for how Andrew played. In earlier games, he had been able to shout pointers to the other Foxes, when they were desperate. Now, Andrew was concentrated on the task at hand that didn't say a word. He was fast and determined and more intense than Neil had ever seen him. And he had no words. 

It doesn't take long after for tempers to snap. The score is eight-six in the Ravens favor, but the Foxes were quickly closing the gap. One of the plays reacts to Kevin's goal by punching him-- and then kept swinging. The other plays break up the fight, and Reacher gets red carded out while Matt and Kevin get yellows. Kevin scores on the foul shot. Eight-seven, Ravens favor. Allison was screaming insults to every Raven wishing range. Excitement overcomes the fear in Neil's chest. 

And then one of the Ravens runs full speed into Andrew, an obvious foul. Neil is sprinting towards them before anyone else moves. Andrew shoves the Raven away, and Neil has to force himself to Andrew, instead of tearing Williams apart, like he wants to. He lets the refs deal with him. 

Andrew leans against the wall-- the breath has been knocked out of him, and he wheezes sickly. It's not a nice feeling, Neil knows. It's even worse when you have to fight back lashes of violent memory. Andrew will be fine, but Neil changes his mind-- he round on Williams, who stands there laughing. He hears something about Drake being said, and Neil shoves the Raven back hard with both hands. He lands on his knees and Neil is lunging for him again when hands drag him back. He's goes to fight when he realizes it's Matt's voice in his ear. 

The Ravens get another red card, and Tetsuji subs out players. Riko comes back on court with another fresh lineup. On the Foxes side, Andrew takes control. 

“We're subbing Dan for Neil, and Neil for Matt.” Andrew says, as serious as ever. Gone is the bored expression. He is on Neil's side, he wants to win. 

“We're what?” Matt asks like Andrew is crazy. 

“You're limping. You're no used to me right now. Get Abby to put a brace on that. Neil can hold them in the meantime.” 

Andrew was right, Neil knows. “I started this game as a backliner, remember? The Ravens put me against Riko when I stayed with them in December. I know how he moves.” 

And how Riko's blade feels in Neil's skin, and how his breath and teeth feel against his neck, and other things he doesn't want to think about. He doesn't want to get that close to Riko, butt he will because Andrew is right. 

“Two weeks of practice don't make you ready to face the best striker in the game,” Dan scowls. 

“Kevin is the best striker. And I don't have to be the best backliners to counter Riko. I just have to be faster than he is. We all know I am. Trust me. I can keep him away from Andrew while Matt rests.”

Neil sounds more confident than he feels. But this is his chance to show Riko that Neil isn't afraid of him. This is to defy Riko and the Moriyamas who have hunted Neil for eight years. He will do what he has to. 

Matt leaves and Dan comes on. “You're crazy,” Neil tells Andrew. 

“This is news to no one.” Andrew grabs his jersey before Neil walks away. “Give him hell.” 

Neil grins, his worries settling. Andrew has his back, he'll be fine. 

Riko's smile is predatory and cold. Neil feels smug inside-- Neil knows he had been terrible defense over Christmas, but that was because of constant torture-- being filleted and raped and beat into the floor. Neil had been caned into unconsciousness within the first half hour of walking into Evermore. Now, Neil was in his prime-- he was excited and angry and had Andrew at his back. 

Neil tails Riko with every step, blocking him with his stick and his body and checking him when he gets the ball. He ruins Riko's shots and keeps him back, away from Andrew. They dance around each other, twisting and stepping and snarling. Neil bares his teeth in his father's smile, and Riko's smugness fades. 

“I'm going to tear you apart, whore,” Riko growls.

Neil laughs. He tackles Riko to the ground at the next opportunity. Something in his shoulder pops and goes numb but it doesn't hurt and he can hold his racquet, so it's fine. The ball goes flying a fox catches it. Kevin scores. Eight to eight now. 

The Ravens get a shot around Aaron, but the Foxes catch up on a foul goal. Nine to nine. 

Matt and Nicky get subbed back into court, and both the Raven strikers are stuck again, trapped behind the Foxes defense. Andrew bats away every attempt on goal. The minutes tick down. 

It looks like they might have to go into a shootout to decide the championship winner. Neil's legs are numb and his lungs burn, and the numb in his shoulder has been replaced by burning. His arms ache from checking Riko, and he thinks Riko might have broken one or two of Neil's toes, from the odd numb/ throbbing sensation and the sheer number of times his feet have been stomped on. 

The buzzer sounds as Neil's knees collapse-- he isn't sure which happens first. His vision is beginning to black out, the game a distant roar in his ears. He barely catches himself with his trembling arms, desperately clinging to consciousness. 

The buzzer goes off again and Neil is shocked into looking up. Ten-nine, Foxes favor. They won. 

The Foxes won. 

Neil's legs still won't work, and his fingers tremble so badly he can barely tear his helmet off, but he can't breath with it on. His vision is still watery and grey, threatening to fade. The weight of the helmet makes it worse. He lets it roll to the side. 

Riko's reaction is worth everything. Kevin scores an impossible shot in the last two seconds. Riko stares at the board in disbelief. Neil's vision slowly begins to clear as he breathes, but his arms still threaten to buckle. The Foxes won. Riko would never touch Neil again. 

The Foxes scream in triumph, running towards each other, but Andrew runs to Neil. He hates the way Neil is on his collapsed from exhaustion and pain-- he had seen some of the tackles his idiot made. And Andrew hates that Riko is standing above him, angry and desperate. 

“I’d ask you how it feels, but I guess you've always known what it's like to be second, you useless piece of shit.” Neil gasps. 

Riko lifts his racquet and swings before Neil can move, but Andrew was waiting for the inevitable tantrum. He sees Riko move, and Andrew swings his heavy goalie racquet in an arc, catching Riko's arm and swinging the blow away from Neil. The way Riko's arm cracks as it shatters, and the screams that follow, are a nice bonus. Andrew had been tired of picking up the pieces of Neil after every attack-- Andrew was always too slow, before. Not this time. Never again. 

Riko is the only one screaming. The rest of the court has gone silent in shock-- they had witnessed Neil's collapse and Riko's breakdown. They had seen Andrew come between them with brutal precision, as always. 

The Foxes swarm Neil, frantic with their concern. Andrew allows it. Neil stares up at them, too tired to grin. 

“Hey. We won.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please!! Are you excited for the last chapter? Should I double post? Should I leave everyone hanging in suspense? Haha!


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This is, by far, the longest fic I have ever written. I know most of my stuff tends to be horrible and traumatic and violent and angsty, but you guys have been so great about it! You awesome people are just the BEST!!!! Truly :)

Andrew has to practically carry Neil off the field, though his own arms are aching. Riko is loaded into an ambulance, screaming at Neil in Japanese, about mongrel mutts and whores. Police take statements from the Foxes and Ravens and the coaches. Only then we're the Foxes allowed to return to the lockers to shower and change. Neil and Andrew are the last to shower, per usual. They stay under the stream as long as they dare, their muscles aching and tired. Neil has to lean against the wall because his legs don't want to hold his weight. 

Andrew doesn't seem to have that problem as he walks over to Neil. He weaves a hand through the red hair and leans his forehead against Neil's. 

“Yes or no?” 

“Yes,” Neil sighs, eager to close the distance between them. They kiss with mashing lips and knocking teeth. Andrew tastes like the cigarettes he smokes, and the sweet drinks Abby had made everyone drink. Andrew pulls away first and pushes Neil to dress. They're intercepted outside the locker by several guards. 

“Neil Josten. They have a few last questions for you.” 

Andrew moves to follow, and a guard stops him. “Just Josten.” 

“It's fine, Andrew. I'll be right back.” 

Andrew darts between the guards to put himself between Neil and the hall. 

“You always say that, and you're always wrong. I'm not letting you out of my sight until we return to Palmetto.” He fists a hand in the front of Neil's hoodie. “He isn't going anywhere without me.” 

One of the guards pulls out his phone and makes a quick call in a language Andrew can't understand. Then he hands up and nods at them. “Okay. This way.” 

Uncle Stuart, Ichirou, Tetsuji, Riko, and a strange man stand in the center of the large room. Six Ravens sit across from Riko-- all of the backliners that had played for the Ravens tonight, most of the Ravens who had fucked Neil-- save for Jean, who was well on his way to playing for the Trojans, and Jameson, who was dead. 

Neil tenses but makes himself step out of the elevator. Andrew is right beside him, but the guards had stripped him of the knives in his armbands. They enter the room and stand silently, waiting. 

They wait for several long minutes before Ichirou moves. The stranger has his gun trained on the pair of them, as do the guards. Andrew snarls but doesn't attack Neil is holding him back. 

“Andrew, wait.” 

Only then does Ichirou move. He motions to the strange man, who hands a glove and the gun to Nathaniel. Ichirou gestures to the Ravens. They don't look as proud as they had on the court. They don't look as fearsome as they had when they had pinned Neil to the floor time and time again. They look afraid-- they should be. 

“Do it,” Ichirou nods to Nathaniel. Nathaniel nods back respectfully. He knows this is both a peace offering and a test. The backliners are loose ends, liabilities that need to be gotten rid of. This will bind Neil further into the branch, will concrete his deal with the Moriyamas. This is what will save him and Kevin and Jean-- and Andrew, who stands beside him. 

Nathaniel fits the glove over his hand before he accepts the pistol. His father had preferred knives, but his mother had taught him how to shoot. They had spent hours practicing in the middle of nowhere, shooting at cans and squirrels and rabbits and birds. He ignores their screams, as they had ignored his. It only takes six bullets to put the Ravens out of his misery. 

The stranger takes the gun from Nathaniel and hands it to Ichirou. Ichirou turns from watching Nathaniel and walks to Tetsuji. They speak too quietly for Neil to hear. Tetsuji bows low as they quiet. Ichirou comes to stand before Riko, who looks up with pleading eyes. 

“Ichirou…” Riko begs. 

Ichirou puts the gun to the side of Riko's head and pulls the trigger. The Ravens scream and stumble back. Neither Neil not Andrew flinch-- Neil knows better than to smile. 

The strangers takes the gun and presses it into Riko's limp hand. Ichirou turns to Nathaniel. 

“You have cost the Ravens their coach, their captain, and six of their best players. Are you happy now?” 

“Your people are safe, as are mine. Yes, I am satisfied.” Nathaniel admits. 

“Let them call you by whatever name they like. You will always be a Weaninski at heart. You are dismissed.” 

Ichirou waves them away and the guard escorts them back to their team. The Foxes are gathered by the lockers, obviously waiting for their wayward pair. Neil savors the sight of them, safe, and the light feeling of relief in his chest. He feels a grin stretch across his face-- not his father's cold smile, but a happy one. Riko is gone, the Ravens who touched him are dead. His father and Lola are dead. This must be what freedom feels like. 

“What's so funny?” Nicky asks. 

“Life.” 

“Let's blow this joint. We've got a party to get to. Anyone who's not on the bus in two minutes is staying here overnight.” Wymack is full of empty threats. Andrew and Neil curl together in the back of the bus for the ride home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys sooooooo much for reading and LOVING this fucked up little fic of mine!!!! I never would have finished it if you guys hadn't commented and showed so much support. You are are just the best audience I could have hoped for! 
> 
> Also, I'm editing the first chapter of a new au, that should be posted sometime this week (ideally) so keep me in mind, and check it out! Xoxo


	47. Chapter 47

Andrew helps Neil carry their stuff into the Columbia house. Nicky was dropped off at the airport yesterday, back to Germany to spend the summer with Erik. Aaron had left with Katelyn. Kevin was trying out the whole ‘family’ thing by spending time with Wymack and Abby. That left Andrew and Neil alone for the summer, with the house all to themselves.

It's not the first time they've been alone in the house-- just a few weeks ago they had spent a long weekend together here. But that had been to decompress, when Neil had been a dissociative mess, basically catatonic. And Andrew had been so careful not to push, not to ask for anything that might trigger Neil.

Now, though, they're free for the summer. They have nowhere to be, and nobody to answer to. Riko and the Ravens are dead, and Neil is free to play his little junkie heart out. This is as free as either of them have ever been. They spend the summer road tripping, using the house as their base when they tire of hotels and car fumes.

Surprisingly, they never tire of being together. They begin to share hotel beds when they realize Neil sleeps better with his back to Andrew. He's used to sharing beds with his mother, on the run-- he told Andrew as much. It had been the best way to keep each other safe, and if Andrew thinks Mary sounds possessive and abusive… well, she's dead so it doesn't matter. But as a result, Neil doesn't shift much in his sleep, and as long as he wakes with his hands to his chest, it's not reminiscent of being tied to the beds in Evermore.

Andrew can grow used to sharing a bed with him. Neil doesn't shift much, and is always careful to leave space between them while they sleep. They both still suffer from nightmares and lash out, but they're learning to deal with those as they come. And sometimes it helps, when Andrew dreams of losing Neil and running, but never finding him-- on those nights, it helps when he wakes up and can turn over to see Neil sleeping next to him.

Intimacy is sometimes harder. Both men have been hurt and victimized and sometimes they take one step forward, and two steps back. It's only been two months since Jameson raped Neil in a dark alley, and there are still days when Neil wakes up with a scream and spends the day curled silently in the passenger seat. It's only been eight months since Drake, and seven since Proust. Andrew still wakes violently sometimes, and spend the day silently fuming.

Today is a good day. Andrew lets Neil drive then back to Columbia after a two week trip away, and it gives Andrew ample time to stare at the redhead. Neil's hair lights up from the sun, dancing like fire. He's singing to the song that Andrew has playing, something about heathens-- it's fitting. Thankfully it's turned up loud enough that Andrew can't hear Neil’s awful singing voice, but his pretty lips mouth the mouth well enough.

Suddenly Neil turns to glance back at Andrew. He smiles-- not Nathan’s cold and vicious baring of teeth, but a happy little upturn of his lips. He looks gorgeous like that, Andrew thinks.

“Staring,” Neil teases him.

“Eyes on the road, junkie.”

“What are you thinking about?” Neil wonders aloud.

“How much I hate you.”

Neil smiles again. “Of course. I probably should have guessed.”

They pull over in front of the house and Neil stops to smile at Andrew before he gets out. Andrew grabs their bags from the trunk and throws Neil's at him.

“Hey. We're home.” Neil grins stupidly.

Andrew wonders what put him in such a good mood today, but decides it doesn't matter. They've gotten past asking ‘yes or no’ for kisses, so he pulls Neil close and kissing the smile away. Once he's satisfied-- for a moment-- he pulls away. He forces himself to ignore the needy whine that comes from Neil when they pull away, and unlocks the door.

Andrew slams it closed behind them, and clicks the locks in-- just in case. He throws his bag to the ground and pulls Neil to him again. The other boy comes willingly, smiling into the kiss. Andrew licks his way into Neil's mouth, savoring the little noises he makes. He tugs Neil's lip with his teeth, and pulls away to bite his neck once.

Neil's hands are still in his pockets, and he's slow to pull them out, even after Andrew steps away. He's always so careful around Andrew, in all the ways that nobody else has ever been. He even picks up Andrew's bag from the floor and carries it to their room upstairs. Andrew goes to the kitchen to scrounge for something to eat-- nothing. They had thrown out the food again when they left for their trip, and the kitchen is bare.

“Neil! What the hell are you doing?” He shouts up the stairs. Maybe he can bully Neil into fetching some Chinese or something. Some sort of pasta, preferably.

Neil doesn't answer, so Andrew follows upstairs. The bathroom door is closed, and their bags are on the floor by the bed. It's hotter in Columbia than it is in the mountains where they had stayed last night, and Andrew strips his long shirt into something cooler while he waits for Neil. Jesus, is he in the shower? His stomach rumbles impatiently-- maybe it would be quicker to order in.

“I'm ordering Chinese, what do you want?” Andrew yells in the direction of the bathroom door. After a moment, Neil comes out. There's a bottle in hand and his brows knitted together in confusion.

“Andrew. What is this?” Neil holds up the bottle of lube, and tosses it to Andrew when he motions for it.

Andrew catches it and glares from the bottle, to Neil. He drops it to the bed, discarded.

“Lube.” Andrew answers, his eyes carefully eyeing Neil's face.

“Lube?”

He has to keep himself from snarling, because his anger rises up like a tsunami wave. Of course Neil wouldn't know what lube was-- he had mentioned being prepped and stretched by Moreau before Riko's fucked up gangbangs, but Andrew should have suspected that they hadn't done it properly. Sadistic fucks.

“Lubricant. For sex.” He forces himself to say. It comes out flat and hollow.

Neil blushes from his cheeks to his ears, and down his throat. “Oh.”

“Oh?”

Neil is staring at the bottle on the bed with open interest. Andrew wonders at this fool and his ability to form sentences. And at how he pushes himself, constantly. It's enough to make Andrew's head hurt.

“Can we try it?”

Neil looks at Andrew with wide, trusting eyes and an honest face. Nothing there to show that Neil is uncertain. Or if he is, he hides it well.

Andrew shrugs. “Later. Food first.”

Neil nods consent. “You said Chinese? Let's go to the store instead. It will take longer, but I learned how to make spaghetti, when we were passing through France. I can probably manage it, if you want.”

Andrew considers this. He's hungry *now*, but he can pick up a snack in the store while Neil shops. And they're out of ice cream and milk and literally everything else. They will have to go to the store anyway-- they need condoms, if Neil is still wanting to try things, later. And watching Neil attempt to cook is interesting, if not always edible.

During the two months of summer break, Neil has attempted to make raw yet burned hamburgers, charcoal pancakes, and mush that was supposed to be macaroni and cheese. The French fry fiasco nearly burned the house down, if Andrew hadn't dumped a can of salt on the grease fire.

In the end, Andrew relents and they load back into the Maserati to go grocery shopping.

“Why France?” Andrew asks. Spaghetti was Italian, and Neil had spent a few weeks in Italy.

“We spent a while there, actually. We were in a safe neighborhood, squatting in an apartment. Some of the neighbors noticed of course, but they didn't really care. Mom was gone for longer than she expected, picking up some IDs. We were going to head towards Canada. Anyway, one of the neighbors noticed-- an older woman. She showed me how to cook it. It was a while ago, but I think I can probably figure it out.”

At the store, Neil grabs the cart and Andrew grabs the first bag of chips he sees. He gets tired of walking and climbs into the cart-- Neil quirks little smile but doesn't say anything. He pushes Andrew down the aisles, some for the spaghetti things, and some because Andrew orders him to. Such as, the cookie aisle and the candy aisle and the icecream aisle. The latter takes the longest-- Andrew stares at the freezers for longer than necessary, justto annoy the old man that keeps sending them both glares. He's trying to decide between mint, rocky road, or chocolate caramel. In the end, he gets all of them. Neil thinks he must be making up for treats Andrew didn't get as a child.

Back at home, Neil puts the spaghetti noodles on the same time that he starts the tomato sauce, and by the time the sauce is finished the noodles are too soggy. Andrew turns the sauce down to a simmer so it doesn't burn, and put on another pot of noodles. The smell of cooked sausage and tomato is enticing enough to be worth the wait-- and not even Neil can mess up spaghetti sauce, though he forgot the garlic.

Andrew scoops a bowl of ice cream after, with two spoons, while Neil showers.

“Be thorough!” Andrew calls after him.

Neil takes his time washing-- his fingers find the puckered hole between his cheeks. The water helps ease the way as Neil slips a finger in, imagining its Andrew's instead. It feels strange, but good, in anticipation of what's to come. When he comes out, redressed for lack of a better idea, Andrew offers him a spoon and they finish the dessert.

Neil makes a show of licking his clean after every bite, and he tastes like chocolate caramel when Andrew pulls him into a kiss. Neil moans lowly, happily, getting exactly what he wanted. It spurs Andrew to bite his lips, to suck Neil's tongue and draw more little noises from him. He pulls the redhead into his lap and kisses him soundly until he can feel the outline of Neil's cock hardening against his belly.

“Upstairs?” Neil suggests before Andrew does.

Neil's blue eyes are bright with excitement and want. He stares at Andrew openly, like he is the solution to life's mysteries. Andrew shoves him off, and Neil rolls to his feet with a breathy chuckle. They race each other up the stairs, and Neil wins with those damn long legs of his. He flops onto the bed and wiggles out of his uncomfortable jeans-- Andrew does the same, and his shirt too. He wants Neil to feel safe, even if that means Andrew has to feel a little vulnerable.

“Still yes?” Andrew checks before he kisses Neil again.

The redhead nods vigorously. Andrew gives him permission to touch anywhere above the waist. Neil's hands are desperate as they stroke down Andrew's back and shoulders. The muscles are hard from practiced use, but his skin is soft and hot. The polar opposite of Andrew's cold persona. He pulls blonde hair as Andrew kisses him again. Neil pulls away to kiss down Andrew's neck, and savors the little shudder it earns.

“Shirt? Yes or no.” Andrew asks, tugging lightly.

Neil strips his shirt off, nearly tearing a seam in his haste. Andrew pushes him into the pillows with a hand on Neil's chest, and pauses with his lips only a breath away. Neil can feel them brush his own when Andrew speaks.

“Is this okay?” His voice is husky with need. He smells like cigarettes and *Andrew*, and tastes like sweet chocolate when Neil leans up to kiss him. Andrew has to pull away to get Neil to answer verbally.

“Yes, Andrew, yes. Always yes, with you. Just you.”

“Shut up.” Andrew tweaks Neil's nipple in retaliation, and is a little shocked at the loud moan of pleasure he makes.

“God, Andrew. Do that again.”

It's always a little surprising, how sensitive and responsive Neil's body is. Maybe it shouldn't be, considering how touches had never been a good thing for him before-- that Andrew is the only one that's ever touched him like this before. Or maybe it's because Neil is a mouthy little bastard. He's always sassing someone, when he talks at all. Either way, Andrew likes it. He likes knowing he can give Neil this pleasure.

Andrew licks his way down Neil's neck to his chest before he swipes his tongue over his nipple. Neil bites into his lip and pulls a hand up to tug on his own hair. Andrew strokes his free hand up Neil's side, dancing lightly over ribs and sensitive scars. He lets his hand wander down, to tease just beneath the band of Neil's jeans-- he hardly ever wears sweatpants anymore.

Neil's hips buck up impulsively. Andrew's mouth is hot on his chest, and one hand pulls and teases little strokes over his other nipple while Andrew's free hand roams at will. Neil pulls at his own hair to help ground him, to remind himself that his hands are free, not cuffed behind his back or over his head to the bed frame. He grips at Andrew's shoulder, and scratches down his back. Neil's nails catch on skin and Andrew lets a low growl rumble from his chest.

Andrew pulls back to look up at Neil, his hands playing meaningfully with the button of Neil's pants.

“Is this okay?”

Neil nods furiously. “Yes. It's good, yes. Keep going.”

“Eager, are we?” Andrew teases lightly. To anyone else it would sound as bored as always. But to Neil, he sounds carefully attentive and his voice is a shade deeper from arousal. Neil can feel Andrew's erection straining against his thigh.

“Yes.” Neil smiles. “Kiss me again?”

Andrew complies. He kisses Neil soundly, cupping his jaw. Neil stops tugging at his hair so he can pull Andrew closer. One of Andrew's hands deftly unbuttons Neil's jeans and he pulls away.

Neil grins and lifts his hips. “Yes,” he answers before Andrew can ask.

The blonde tugs Neil's pants and boxers down and tosses them away. Andrew glances at Neil again, reads his face to make sure it's still okay. It is-- Neil stares at Andrew with trust and lust in his wide blue eyes. Andrew strips his own clothes away, leaving them both bare.

Neil drinks in the sight. It's the first time he's seen Andrew naked, save the bands on their arms. Andrew's skin is pale and fit, despite the pounds of candy and ice cream he devours weekly. His arms are muscled from playing with the heavy goalies racquet and his chest and abs are chiseled. His legs are strong and sculpted-- there isn't an ounce of fat on Andrew's body, despite all the junk food.

Of course, Neil has seen Andrew's cock before, but not like this. It's bigger than he would expect, longer than Riko's, smaller than Jameson’s. It's thick and erect, circumcised and as pale as the rest of him. The head is flushed from want. Blonde hair curls around the base. It's prettier than Neil expected, and he lets himself stare until Andrew draws him into another kiss.

“Can I touch you?” Neil asks.

Andrew lets him. Neil kneels on the bed in front of him, and Neil gently takes him in hand. He strokes slowly, getting used to the weight in his palm. He leans down, kneeling back, and down until he's level with Andrew's cock. He looks up for permission, and Andrew nods. His breath quickens as Neil licks a slow, hesitant strip from base to tip. His tongue catches a drop beading down from the tip.

“If you keep that up, this won't last very long,” Andrew warns him.

Neil gives one last lick to the head before he sits up again. He sits down on his heels and lets Andrew hover over him without even a spike of fear or apprehension. Neil knows without a doubt that Andrew would stop if he said no. Andrew isn't like Riko-- he isn't a psychopath, or a sociopath or whatever. Andrew has earned Neil's trust over and over again. He knows this is okay-- it's great, when Andrew's hand slips down Neil's back and grips his ass. A finger grazes his hole, pliant and loose from playing with himself in the shower.

“You were thorough.” Andrew's voice is husky, like gravel and whiskey and cigarettes.

“Yes,” Neil nods. Andrew's gaze intensifies, gauging Neil's reaction.

“You can say no at any time. Just say so, and I'll stop. Okay?”

Neil nods.

“Say it,” Andrew orders, squeezing his ass.

“I trust you. But I'll let you know if I need to stop. It's okay, Andrew.”

“Bend over-- hands and knees. It's easier that way.”

Neil obeys without much hesitation. He listens when Andrew tells him to let his shoulders down, until his chest is on the mattress and his ass is in the air.

“Is this alright? You can say no,” Andrew's reminds him.

Neil nods. “I know. It's fine. You can keep going.”

Andrew kisses and licks down Neil's back, spending extra time to kiss over his tattoos and scars. Neil expects a finger, but the lube is still on the mattress beside him. Instead, Andrew palms his ass and spreads him apart. Then a tongue, hot and wet, brushes the outer ring. Neil can't bite back the moan that draws out, and he's glad they have the house to themselves.

“Mmm- fuck. Andrew, god!”

“Good?”

“Yes, yes, don't stop, yes!” Neil babbles, bucking back.

Neil moans and writhes under Andrew, gaps of ‘yes’ and ‘more’ tumble from his mouth. Neil claws at the sheets beneath them. Andrew thrusts his tongue past the ring, and Neil sobs.

“Andrew! More-- I can take more. Give me more, Andrew. Come on, I want it.” Neil begs without ever saying ‘please’.

Andrew pulls back with a smirk, and watches how Neil clenches and quivers. His hole shines with saliva, and Andrew can't help but run a thumb over it, pushing gently. He slips in with ease, but pulls back to grab the lube. He coats some fingers with it and leans forward to kiss Neil.

“Yes or no? Want me to keep going?”

“Yes! Yesyesyes. Andrew, yes. Keep going, it's okay. Good, Andrew, it's so good.”

“Let me know if it stops being good.”

Neil nods. Andrew kisses him again, a desperate clash of tangling tongues and teeth. Andrew sucks a mark into Neil's throat and pulls away.

He slips one finger in easily, and Neil moans lowly. He thrusts slowly, getting Neil used to the feeling. Andrew pulls away to add more lube, and presses his fingers  in slowly. It's a tighter fit, and Neil stills beneath him.

Neil tries to tell himself it's just Andrew, that his hands are free and nobody is holding him down. Andrew stretches him slowly and adds lube liberally. When he presses three fingers in, it burns. For a moment he feels hard tile underneath him, and black walls around him. His calm breaks and he has to tell himself it's Andrew behind him, not Jean. There's nobody but Andrew and Neil here. It doesn't help much.

“Please,” Neil whispers before he can stop himself. “Please stop.”

Andrew pulls away like he's been burned. He scrambles back off the edge of the bed, putting space between them. Neil is quick to roll over to face him. His blue eyes are wide and bright with a hint of panic, but he calms when he sees Andrew before him. He bows his head, embarrassed.

“Sorry. I'm fine, I just-- I couldn't see you.”

“Did I hurt you?” Andrew asks, carefully judging Neil's reaction. He's not shaking, though his erection has flagged minimally.

“No, not at all. It was good-- you're amazing. I just forgot for a moment, I thought maybe you were Jean. But it's fi- it's okay. I'm okay.”

Andrew nods once, and climbs slowly back onto the bed. Neil welcomes him, and wraps his arms around his shoulders, stroking softly over the scratches he had marked there.

“I'm okay, Andrew. I want to keep going-- just maybe a different position. I think it would be better if I can see you.”

Andrew nods and Neil lays back on the bed. Andrew leans over him, judging for a reaction but Neil is calm again. He pulls Andrew in for a kiss, spreading his legs for Andrew to settle between.

“Do you want to try again?” Neil asks, his lips brushing Andrew's.

“Yes. But tell me when to stop.”

Andrew leans over to grab a pillow, which he shoves under Neil's hips. He licks and bites his way down to Neil's softening cock, and swallows it down. Neil moans beneath him, eyes fluttering but focused on Andrew. After a few strokes, Neil bucks up into the wet heat.

“More. Andrew, I can take it. It's good, I promise. Just give me more.” Neil begs.

Andrew pulls away and reaches for the bottle of lube again. He reslicks three fingers and slides them slowly inside. Neil takes them with ease, keening with appreciation. Andrew spreads them slowly, carefully searching for that one spot. When he hits it, Neil almost bucks off of the bed.

“Oh god, fuck!” He cries.

“That's the idea,” Andrew teases as he circles around his prostate.

“Andrew, yes, fuck.” He continues to curse in every language he knows, babbling and writhing with pleasure. He chants Andrews name over and over  

He stretches Neil to four fingers, because he doesn't want to chance hurting him. Neil is a blushing, talkative mess by then, cum dribbling from his erect cock.

“Andrew, I need you-- fuck me. I want you to, I want to cum with you inside me.”

“Fuck,” Andrew growls.

Neil is stretched enough, whining and begging to be filled. Andrew reached for a condom and rolls it on before coating himself in more lube. Neil's thighs are already sticky with it, and they'll have to wash the sheets-- and maybe buy a new pillow.

Andrew spreads Neil's thighs and wraps them around his waist. Neil's ankles rest just above his ass, and urge him closer. The head of Andrew's cock slips just past the ring, and he stops to look at Neil. To make sure he's still okay with this, that this isn't triggering to him. Neil moans and bucks again, pulling Andrew further inside.

“It's good, it's great, keep going, Andrew.” Neil pants.

Andrew slides slowly, relishing the slick heat-- still tight, despite the stretching. He can't hold the groan that comes from deep in his chest. He stops when his hips smack against Neil's ass, and gives Neil a moment to get used to the feeling.

“Mmmm, god. Oh, fuck. You feel so good, Andrew. Sooo big, perfect. You're amazing. Glad I chose you, Andrew, you're so amazing.” Neil babbles, grinding down against Andrew's cock.

Andrew thrusts slowly at first, gauging Neil's reaction. The junkie gasps and claws at the sheets for something to hold onto. Neil begs him to move faster, and Andrew thrusts into him, slowly building the pace. He knows he isn't going to last long, and he angles his thrusts to hit Neil's prostate with every thrust. He wraps Neil's arm around his shoulder and slams into him at a brutal pace. He fists Neil's cock with a few quick strokes, and then Neil is cumming.

Neil cums with words cursed in German, and a cry of “Andrew!”

He clenches around Andrew's cock, and then Andrew is coming too. He thrusts through his orgasm, Neil pliant around him.

Andrew is careful when he pulls away, careful not to hurt Neil. He ties the condom and tosses it aside. Then he check on Neil-- who stares at Andrew with a dazed but blissful look on his pretty face. His breathing is calm, and his body limp. His hair is a mess of red tangles that stick up, and his lips are red and swollen from biting back cries of pleasure. He looks well fucked.

“Was that good?” Andrew asks, still needing to hear the words. To know that he hadn't gone too far, or passed what Neil was comfortable with.

Neil grins stupidly. “Good. Amazing. I didn't know it could be that good. God, Andrew. I'm never moving again.”

Warmth fills Andrew's chest-- pride and affection, he thinks. He forces himself to stand and walks to the bathroom on shaking legs. He wets a cloth in the sink and throws it at Neil to clean himself off. He grabs his cigarettes and lights one as he flops onto the bed beside Neil.

“Better than running?”

Neil is already asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END!!! <3<3<3


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